I lost my mom to substance abuse a few weeks ago...

[RoseSher98]

A few weeks ago i got the news that my mom who was 47 years old passed away and it's like it hasn't really felt real since then and i'm not sure if it will ever sink in. There were a few years that we had a complicated relationship, but luckily at the beginning of this year we were talking, but i still hope that she didn't think i was mad at her. Since quarantine, she went down hill really quickly and it was all sudden. I had known that she was an alcoholic before quarantine, but it got worse with the stress of Covid and trying to adjust to a new normal. I still don't really know what happened, but she started drinking a bottle of vodka a day and her symptoms got worse. She got a diagnosis from the hospital and they said she had 3 to 6 months and that she had cirrhosis, but another hospital said a few years. After getting the diagnosis she would just drink more and more and be verbally and physically aggressive with my step dad and my brother who were back home, i'm living in the States trying to get a green card, long story. In the last few weeks it was hard for her to eat or drink anything because she was puking all the time. It was really hard to watch her suffer from a distance, i didn't realize that was her last night or i would have called her and talked to her for hours. She passed away on July 29, 2020 and it doesn't feel real, i am in disbelief. I am at a loss for words and keep thinking i will wake up from this dream some day. I already miss her so much and i feel like i didn't get a proper chance to say goodbye. I miss her so much, i love you to the moon and back mom.

[kayc]

Wow, 37, so young...my daughter had a good friend pass away at 24 from that very thing, it's years later and it still doesn't seem real.  He was born on 9/11 and left behind a twin brother.

I'm sorry you were unable to be with your mom and have that "last talk," my own mom passed from dementia so it was hard to have a conversation with her but at least I was able to be there for her and show love to her.  I can't imagine being that far away and during the pandemic when it happened.  My heart goes out to you.  Do you have anyone around you, any support, friends?

Even if you were unable to express yourself to her then, you can try to now, maybe write her a letter or even just talk aloud to her, who knows but maybe they can hear us, so much we do not know about life beyond.  And when you have your own children, you can share stories with them, even as I did my dad, who died when I was in my 20s.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/02/parent-loss-continuing-their-song.html

[RoseSher98]

Sorry that was a typo, i meant to say 47...but still really young. I am so sorry for your loss and for your daughters loss, it is never an easy thing to deal with. It seemed like a really brutal way to go, but somehow she still made it beautiful in a way too.  She knew she was going and appreciated every moment that she had left and was filled with so much love for everything and everyone. It was really hard not being there to say goodbye in person, i did talk to her through video, but it wasn't the same. I wanted to be there to hold her one last time and hug her. She told me before i left to Iowa to be with my now husband, "If i had known it was the last hug, i would have hugged harder." and i feel the exact same way. 

I do have some support, my family has been supportive, my dad paid for me and my husband to stay in a hotel during the pandemic while we quarantine before the funeral and my brother has messaged me checking up on me. I do also have a counsellor that i talk to over the phone because i was going through a loss that also happened a couple of months ago before this, she has also been helpful. My husband i've noticed will sometimes expect me to roughly be over it, and although i consider myself at peace with it, i'm most certainly not over it.  It's a very tough thing, that unless you go through it, you wont understand the pain it causes upon a person. 

Everyone has their own grieving process, i occasionally think i'm still in denial, and sometimes it's true. I just keep pushing forward, as i like to say, and it sucks to be in quarantine.

[Southern Girl]

Dealing with loss is never easy, and like kayc said, I can’t imagine how you must feel having to grieve from afar. 
There may be moments when you feel alone, and guilt stricken, we have all been there, but try to focus on the positive things. This is easier said than done, but think about how much your mother would want you to remember the good moments that she had with you. 
When you wrote that you didn’t realize that was her last night, that you would have called, I can’t tell you how much I greatly relate to that sentiment. The day that my father died, I was at the airport dropping off my friend who needed a ride. I had not left my fathers side while he was sick, and the tragic back luck I had was that I was away when he passed. I had this sense of guilt and regret. I had lots of questions for God and wanted to know why these things had to happen to me. 
 You may not believe this right now, and you may not believe this for a very long time, but you are stronger than you know. Think about the obstacles that you have had to overcome, and think about the accomplishments that you have obtained. She would want you to remember that and to push forward. 
 As far as your husband, God bless him, but no one can tell you how your heart is suppose to grieve. And you’ve gotta remember that as sad as it is, sometimes those around us can’t comprehend that feeling unless they have been there. I didn’t understand that for a long time, I kept thinking I was suppose to figure out some way to numb myself. No, dear, you’ve gotta go through the motions and feel that pain. You’ve gotta shed those tears, feel everything inside, so you can finally push through and start to look at the good. I joined this forum 11 years ago, right after my father passed away and I was in the same spot as you. I was lost, confused, depressed, just couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, and the encouragement that I received here was incredible. I found others who knew exactly what I was going through, and I was able to vent and let everything out inside of my head, without judgement, without someone pushing me to get over it. I experienced a safe place to talk, and I hope that’s what you receive. Just know that everything takes time, and as humans we are entitled to take all the time in the world to process our feelings and not have to feel bad about it. Think of it as a therapy session. 

[MamasGirl59]

@RoseSher98 I am very sorry for the loss of your mother. I too just lost my mother 3 weeks ago, also from cirrhosis. It was horrible to watch, as I saw my lively, full of life mother dwindle down to almost nothing. It broke my heart. I am also still in shock. I think the depression of COVID also played a part and I’m angry that I wasn’t around my mother more because I feel I could have pushed her to get help sooner. I live 5 minutes from her house but because I just had a baby, we were trying to keep both her and the baby safe. So many what ifs. I know I can’t live in the land of what ifs or it would drive me crazy and would not benefit anyone. I can’t change what happened. My husband has been a big help to me, but changes the subject anytime I talk about it. I’ve had a lot of friends say some insensitive things, and while I don’t think they have ill intentions, I sometimes wonder where common sense is! I already can feel people getting tired of me talking about how broken I am. There is nothing they can say to make it better. I’m in the same boat as you, you’re not alone! Just reading other people’s stories here has helped me a little. I’ve learned that I need to feel what I’m feeling, whenever I feel it, and know that it’s normal. I seem to hide my feelings when I’m around people, and am able to grieve when I am alone. I hope you give yourself the same space to do that. It helps a little. 

Know that you are not alone and I hope you find some comfort and peace in that. 

 

[RoseSher98]

@MamasGirl59 I am also very sorry for the loss of your mom, it sounds like we are both in a similar situation, although i lost my child a couple of months ago and that has also been adding to the grief and the guilt, but i push forward because i know my mom would want me to. I know what you mean, my mom was so full of life and love for other people, she was a giver and i am thankful that she gave that to me. It was incredibly hard to watch it all slowly fade away, it got the best of her and i don't blame her for it, i hope she knows i'm not mad at her. COVID has made every day life that much more difficult and it's been hard to see it affect myself and others so negatively. I also feel that if i was around more or there in person i could have said the right thing or done the right thing to make a difference. 

I'm sorry about your husband, mine will do the same often. He does sit with me sometimes when i cry but i can tell it's an inconvenience. I would much rather just feel what i need to feel then try to repress it for others to make them comfortable, but the people pleaser side of me often will put up this image that is fake and i cry when i'm alone and break down when i feel like i'm safe. I find that a lot of people mean well, but just don't know what to say, or the right thing to say, but no one should get to determine how you grieve. I sincerely hope that he offers some more support if that's what you feel you need, even if people get tired of hearing it! Just because they don't understand it doesn't mean that they shouldn't be there when you're feeling down, that's something that i've kind of had to learn, people don't like "downers."  Thank you for making me feel a little less alone and i do feel at peace with it, but i am not over it.  Feel free to message me anytime if you want.

[MamasGirl59]

I am so very deeply sorry for the loss of your child 💔. Your mother knows what’s in your heart, I believe that. Death has been a constant in my life, and it may take the people I love, but I know it can never ever take the love I shared with those people. Death doesn’t get to take that from us. I don’t believe we will ever be over it, nor do I want to be “over it” nor do I think anyone should ever tell us to get over it! Thank you for your kind words and support, I am thankful for it. 

[kayc]

18 hours ago, RoseSher98 said:

My husband i've noticed will sometimes expect me to roughly be over it

We never "get over it" but rather learn to adjust to the changes it means for our lives and gradually come to accept that this is our reality now, yes making peace with it is a huge step.  I hope you pat yourself on the back for that!  None of this is easy!

 

10 hours ago, MamasGirl59 said:

I know it can never ever take the love I shared with those people. Death doesn’t get to take that from us.

That's right!  And a good thing to keep in mind.  Death cannot rob us of our memories or our love.