My heart

[DebbieGD]

Hi everyone, I hope all is well....

Im in tears, I miss my Buttercup so much.

I don't understand any of the pain I'm feeling, it's like my whole life has been taken from me. I've lost so much in my life, I made it through all the heartaches, but losing my dog, She was my world, I was never alone having her. I lost my brother and I cried for 3 days, I've lost my dog and I've been crying it will be 3 months on the 4th. She was my heart and my soul. I miss her so much. I have never cried so much in my life. 

[Gracie4ever]

I'm so sorry for your loss, dear Debbie. I lost my Gracie last week and the pain is constant and deep. My heart goes out to you, and is broken, too.

 

[MartyT]

39 minutes ago, DebbieGD said:

I don't understand any of the pain I'm feeling

I know that words can't take away your pain, but I'm hoping that these articles may help to explain what you are feeling and why:

Pet Loss: Why Does It Hurt So Much?

Is Pet Loss Comparable To Loss of A Loved One?

[Jayjay]

It so sad to see how much you are hurting from the loss of your best friend.There are no words to soothe you only that know you shared a bond that can never be taken away even though you are not together physically.She will always be with you in your heart and grateful you found each other to love.I just put my 17 yr old pug to sleep who had many health issues and I still wonder if I did the right thing feel guilt and miss her every day.But it wasn’t fair to keep her here and suffer because she didn’t deserve to suffer and struggle to survive,she wasn’t happy and wasn’t gonna get better so even though we want them to stay with us forever we have to say goodbye when it’s time.I see how much pain you are in now missing her and I understand I’ve went thru it feeling so helpless and angry but remember the great life she had and the love you shared is a gift not many experience you are lucky you did.I hope you will feel a little better in time and you can heal even though the pain now can be unbearable Take care of yourself and cherish your best friends life with you.

[DebbieGD]

Thank you Jayjay, Id never give up my time with Buttercup, but JayJay the pain is so hard, my heart is so broken, Everytime I speak of her the tears start flowing. I thank you so much for your caring, and I'm so sorry for your loss. Sickness is so sad for our animals bc we just don't know how much more they can take, but we also know theyed go through hell and high water as long as they can be with us in the physical, that really hurts doesn't it, it is so hard letting go. Bless their hearts, their the joy of our lives. No matter how hard I try I miss her constantly. Thank you for caring Jayjay, I know you know my pain, and that's a comfort to me, though I'm sorry you've been there. Sincerely, Debbie

[kayc]

The pain IS tremendous as the adjustment is huge for us, but it begins to become more copeable eventually; meanwhile it's hard to get through the day in such intense pain, I know.  I felt my heart would literally burst.  I still feel sad after a year, I carry my Sweetie in my heart always and still talk to him...at his grave, in our home, on walks, which I always used to do with him.  The neighbors must wonder about me...

[DebbieGD]

Hi Kayc I know what you mean, I know people probably wonder about me, I cry constantly, it's been only 3mo. for me, and I'm sure I will be the same in a year from now. Even though I'd buried my baby I couldn't leave her there knowing I was leaving this town so I dug her up and had her cremated, I'm still at odds whether I did the right thing, I haven't moved yet, and I went to the grave site yesterday with her urn sat it on her grave and sat there and cried. I then picked up her urn and left. I miss her so much and as you well know the tears are streaming down my face as I write this. She was such a sweetheart. I had lunch with a friend yesterday and she has 7 dogs she's a strong woman, and I told her I'd feel like I'd be betraying Buttercup if I got another dog, she said that's silly, but it's how I feel. She understands but she's had lots of dogs she has lost so she's been through it for many years. I hope your having a good day....

[MartyT]

There is no doubt that the surest way to protect yourself from the pain of loss is to decide never, ever to open your heart to another animal companion. But the price you pay for that decision is to deprive yourself of all of the unconditional love another animal can give to you ~ and it also deprives another animal of the love and care you're clearly able to give. I encourage you to allow yourself to feel exactly how you feel today, but to recognize that the day may come when you might feel differently. When I lost a beloved cockapoo many years ago, I knew ~ I KNEW ~ that I could never love another dog as much as I loved him. It took ten long years before I felt ready, willing and able to bring another dog into my life, much less open my heart to another ~ and guess what? That dog became the most wonderful dog I've ever, EVER loved.

Just be patient with yourself. Grief has no time frame. It takes as long as it takes, and that's okay . . . ❤️

[DebbieGD]

Hello Marty, Thank you, And I feel that as well, I'm depriving another sweet animal of all the love and care I could give, there's so many who need a loving master, but I will try my best to pull through this, it's so hard, I've never cried so much ... I loved her so much, she gave me so much joy,  ugg  some "Hold On Buttercup",I want mom... well there wasn't much she ever done that I ever got aggravated about, really not much at all, she was such a sweetheart it's hard right now to even think there's another dog who could be as perfect as she was, and right now I'm afraid I could find myself saying to another dog Buttercup this and Buttercup that, ya know?.? She was so darn perfect ( :  I will allow myself as much time to try to overcome the loss. I loved her so much, and she loved me so very much. As you can see the attachment she's with me, and always looking at at me. I miss her so much Marty. God Bless you.

P.S. I liked the reading you sent about one of the members not understanding about having a grief group for a loss for ones pets, You nailed it!

Thank you,

Sincerely,

Debbie

[kayc]

19 hours ago, DebbieGD said:

I'd feel like I'd be betraying Buttercup if I got another dog, she said that's silly, but it's how I feel. She understands but she's had lots of dogs she has lost so she's been through it for many years.

It's not silly at all.  I've lost 24 dogs and cats plus parakeets, chickens, etc.  NONE were even close to the loss of Arlie!!!  There comes that special one in your life...IF you're lucky.  I think it's natural for us to FEEL like we're betraying them to get another, but it's also good to work through as they wouldn't want us feeling miserable all our lives...if my son hadn't brought me a puppy before Christmas, I would have gone through this social isolation totally and utterly alone, and that is very hard.  Having Kodie has taken up much of my time, provided me with a schedule, all important to surviving this pandemic, AND given me love and affection.  Training a puppy is no easy task and many a time I wondered if I was in over my head, at my age!  But I'm glad I have him.  It's helped to realize that he in no way replaces Arlie, who was my soulmate in a dog, my heart dog.  He does not have Arlie's Husky talk, his amazing communication, his goofiness, his amazing sense of humor.  He's not my "big boy" that I can hug and hold.  But it's also been interesting to see the way he's wriggled his way into my heart, persisting even through my grief.  He is himself and has created his own spot inside of me.  I don't have to feel guilty because he in no way replaces Arlie!  I tell him about Arlie, how much they would have loved each other.  And what's interesting is he was conceived when Arlie died, and he was born on my birthday...almost as if God had to confirm to me that he was meant to be my boy for this time and purpose!  And I'm glad he is.  Him and Arlie would have adored each other, one a gentle giant, the other a small sweetheart.  Nothing will ever detract from or take away from what I had with Arlie.  Those will always be special years to me and I'll never forget my soulmate in a dog.

Here's my Arlie on one of the happiest days of his life...the other when he was dying of cancer...still smiling.

[DebbieGD]

GM Kayc, what a darling dog, I can see he was a great joy in your life,and I'm so saddened by your loss, looks to say mom I know I'm leaving you but with smiles that will always be looking down at you from heaven. Oh Kayc my heart aches for you. You have really got a full schedule, I commend you, bc I know those tears never stop flowing, mine ither, I on the other hand deal with my grief with this site, it's wonderful and Marty is one farout lady.Im so glad we met Kayc bc we are both I can tell have a relationship upon this awful ordeal, and we are survivors. A recent story I'd like to tell ya, a gf of mine after 7 yrs. of 2 beautiful cats, spunky and Matty, she gave away I hadn't seen her in awhile and when I did I asked where's spunk and Matty, she said I gave them away, I about fell to the floor,and little did I know she had just had a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized a time AFTER giving away her cats. Sherry gave up her support, her cats, it had broken her, she I've heard from a very good source is in a mental ward as of late. I know the support my baby gave me she could calm any storm life had taken upon us. I miss her so much, I miss talking too her, and expecially her kisses. I understand your going through all the steps to overcome the burden of losing Arlie, they are so supporting and when we lose that, hold on to our seats bc hell just bent. I don't go to Church and I get where your at but try and keep the faith . I'll tell you I love the Puritans, and I listen to the sermons on utube, Puritans keep it real for me, bc I find the churches today are alot of blather and money, not to say yours is mind you, but I feel something's a miss there, keep the faith darling. Talk atcha later. Debbie Thanks Kayc.

[kayc]

23 hours ago, DebbieGD said:

Marty is one farout lady.

I love this!    
Yes, kindred spirits, we both love animals, all of them.  My heart bleeds for your GF having a breakdown, giving up her two cats, I can't imagine, she must have been in a really desperate place to do that.  Kodie literally keeps me going.  He not only keeps me busy but he's so loving and a good companion.  I'll never stop missing Arlie though...v

My church is small and less than half come now during the pandemic, I worry about it because half the money comes in since the pandemic, not enough to pay the bills, I don't know what will happen but I keep praying.  I love the people, we are each other's extended family, I don't see my own, my kids don't live here and my sisters spread across the state.  I love some of the old classics, Charles Spurgeon for one, can find on Google, have a lot of books of the old mystics/classics.

[DebbieGD]

Hi Kayc, me too, Charles Spurgeon I watch quite often,so glad they kept those old sermons in a safe place, funny how the world is today, don't know how long it's going to hold on, but just imagine if nothing today is not on paper or in a book which is pretty minimal, and wifi blows all will be lost, just a thought, several yrs. ago I have traveled and these new library's are nothing but computers, seriously. It's kinda weird. Buttercup loved to travel, she loved so much riding. I got both her urn necklaces this last week. I haven't filled them yet I haven't the heart for that, one hangs on the car mirror and the other I wear. When I'm ready I will  fill them, and sprinkle her ashes in a beautiful place. A friend doesn't think I should let her ashes go, what do you think? How's Kodie today, keeping you busy no doubt,they do that don't they, I'm like Buttercup hold on, I said that alot lol 😊 oh she was spoiled!, but I wouldn't give it up for nothing, I miss her so much. I'm glad you have your Kodie, your blessed to have him, he feels your pain, and their so amazing how they want to take it all away for you. God bless you and Kodie. Take care hon, let's keep it going.......hugs

[kayc]

I have a great collection of the old classics of our time, at least I have those!  

It's an individual decision only you can decide, but make sure whatever you do that it's what you truly want and are peace with before you do something permanent like scatter the ashes, once done they cannot be retrieved.  Arlie was buried as the nearest town cremates them all together (they don't volunteer this) so the ashes given back may not even be that of your pet!  I'm glad my son warned me of this.  We needed a backhoe to bury Arlie, he was so big, my son brought his auger but the grown was hard and the handle off one of his tools broke off, it was tough digging, he did 90%o of the work, if not for him I could never have done it although a couple of neighbors would have stepped in if needed.  I think it's great having a necklace with part of Buttercup in it!  I do have the remembrance bracelet I had made for the first anniversary of Arlie's death and I love it.  It comforts me to honor him in this way.

[DebbieGD]

I know about how they put the pets all together, I made d**m sure Buttercup wasn't one of those. He has his own crematorium,and all the pets are done individually, he himself worked for one of those before he quit, I read this ad, and oh my was it fancy, when I got ahold of the guy who cremated her, I told him about them and he said that's the one he had worked for, he didn't like that they did that and started his own, I asked if he was a Christian, really no answer but said he did his college at a Christian college, which I'm a little familar with. There are still some good people out there,and I believe him to be sincere. If it were not so, there'd be hell to pay. I don't know yet what I will do yet about her ashes. 

I'm trying to do better in getting over her loss my sermons seem to help some, if it's not one thing it's the other I found out my mom was put in a nursing home last week, I cried today when buying her a card, it just keeps coming. And I found out when I called home and my stepdad told me. My brother who I thought I was close to said he'd keep me updated, and even my stepdad was surprised that he didn't tell me. I know he has plenty of time on his hands and could have made a call to me. I'm really mad at at him.... But oh well some people like my brother who claim to be Christian, needs to pick up his Bible, I think.

You sound better today, I hope things are getting easier, we will always be broken hearted, time can never heal that, I think it'll try and put it on the mend, but I don't think there is enough time in the world for that. 

Well love ya woman, I hope you have a good day, it's supposed to be 113 degrees this weekend here, how about where you are? is this another nation wide heat wave were having again. Talk to ya later, Deb

[kayc]

I'm in OR, it doesn't get that hot but still, 90s this week.  No A/C.

I'm sorry about your mom.  So weird that they didn't let you know sooner.  My dad has been gone over 38 years.  When my mom got dementia, stage 3 & 4 my siblings and I were in close contact about how to handle it.  Don't hear from my brother but stay close with my sisters.

I hope tomorrow is better for you!

[DebbieGD]

Thank you Kayc for your kind words. All the sudden the place where my mom is SAYS they suddenly gotten a covid patient so my dad can't visit. Seems strange since the covid patient will be isolated, doesn't it? It does to me, I wrote the home a small note along with a card I sent my mom, I was nice ) :, and asked them to take good care of my mom. I told my dad you'd think for 5 grand a month they could wheel her out to visit and get some fresh air. I'm not happy about these circumstances at all!  Thank you for your thoughtfulness. 

[kayc]

It's very hard on the person AND the family!  I'm honestly glad my mom isn't alive to go through this year, very tough.  A friend is going through this, going to make the several hour long drive to go see her mom (by appt. for just a few minutes) while the getting is good.

[DebbieGD]

Good for her, that's really good, I wish I could go see my mom but family matters yaknow, and with this disease going around. Hope all well for you today Kayc, I thought I seen another post from you, I'm in the middle of going into storage right now, ugh I hate storage, sometimes I wish I could just walk away. 

[DebbieGD]

Hi Kayc, I'm hurting so bad right now, just need to talk, I miss my baby so much, I'm so tired of crying but I don't know anything else that makes me feel better, I think I'm ok and then when I'm done being busy, and I try to relax all I do is think about her, I imagine it's cause when I've done what needs to be done me and her spent all our time together, even being busy of course she was right there. I miss her so much, going to church ya know watching sermons, and talking to God is all I ever do now, I pray that he will help me, but we'll I don't know, that's all I have to help me through this aside of this site and you. I'm so sad so very sad, I wish we weren't so far away from one another in sure we could have coffee and just talk and cry on each other's shoulder. You seem lake a really good person that I'd enjoy doing that with. My family doesn't seem to care. Your lucky you have family close by that cares and is there when you nee them. I didn't have anyone when I buried Buttercup. I wish she was here with me, she was the light of my life. I'm just streaming tears so I will go for now as I can't stop crying. I miss my Buttercup..😭

 

[kayc]

Sorry, I lost power, telephone, water, internet, just got it back, everywhere is under evacuation notice of some sort in Oregon, smoke thick in the air, whole towns burned up!  My son's house is in danger, so is the new place he just signed a contract on.  Oregon is critical right now.  Never had the elec. out in 100 degree temperatures before!
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time this week!  I don't have family close by, one sister but she's very disabled and doesn't drive, she's about 10-12 miles from me, her husband takes care of her and now he's in the hospital, has a stomach tumor and bleeding ulcers, I didn't sleep last night even with a sleeping pill, so much going on here.  My son took off work and drove here to be with me when I had Arlie put to sleep, I really appreciated that, I can't imagine burying him alone.    I'm so sorry you had no one with you.