Weeding Through....

[HSMom]

Hi all:

My dad died almost 4 months ago. I was his main caregiver and he died in my home with us and hospice by his side. It was a life changing experience for me. Can't even put it into words yet. But I've changed.

I find that I am weeding through relationships that really were shall we say surface after such a life-changing experience. It actually feels good because I am beginning to feel a freeing-quality life. I feel like it's a gift from my dad. To be more specific, I had a friend that was very phony with me and I knew it. She was not reliable and I was. I just kept hanging on for various reasons. Recently I complained on how she was late every time we met for something, how she would come up with ideas for our kids to do some things but never pulled through, how she offered to help when my son was in the hospital but left my daughter hanging for two hours waiting, so we canceled her picking her up and my husband came home from work. And so on and so on....... She got pissed and said "I need a break from you and I'll just chalk this up to your grieving right now." I agreed to the break and then sent her a "closure letter" wishing her well. At first it hurt, but now I feel very free. My dad had told me three years ago to get rid of her because of how she was treating me. I feel like he's orchestrating some of this. He was very good at giving his advice as to what he would do. And I have to smile on that one.

So I'm weeding through. Hanging with who I love and feel safe with PLUS who shows love back and treats me with respect. Otherwise, goodbye. Is this a process of grieving? Or is it the chapter in my life? Anyone else experiencing this?

Thanks,

HSMom

[Paul S]

Hi, HSMom,

Yep, it's part of the process of grieving. Grief does have a way of re-writing your address book, (to borrow a phrase from a grieving book I read) and it may be an unintended, but common side-effect of the grieving process.

I think the reasoning is that you've experienced death close-up. You are thus re-acquainted with your own mortality, and that you're not going to be here forever. Time is precious, regardless of the age you're at. All of a sudden certain people, places and things just don't seem all that important anymore and you start to 'weed out' what seems unnecesary. You are aware that the time you've got left isn't to be wasted on trifles.

We all, I think, at some point in our grieving process, experience this.

Good luck in your gardening.

Paul

[shell]

HS Mom,

I went through the same thing. I had a friendship that went way back to high school (and at my age, that's quite a long time ago, unfortunately!) and when my dad died she sent a card about three or four months later and I haven't heard from her since, except for forwarded emails (NOT personal at all!). I have "weeded" her out of my garden and the funny thing is, my mom said she always was selfish and never a true friend. And, of course, she is right. So, like your dad, we should take our parents advice more, I guess!

I think Pauls theory is right on the mark. I know I just won't deal with anyone now that is not adding something good to my life and someone I can trust. There's no reason to put up with stuff like that from people. And your right, they have to be able to give love back and respect me! Well put.

Hugs,

Shell

[kell84]

My dad died almost 4 months ago. I was his main caregiver and he died in my home with us and hospice by his side. It was a life changing experience for me. Can't even put it into words yet. But I've changed.

hs mom, im not quite sure why but when i read your words "but ive changed" it just brought on so many tears. i have been/felt so shut down for weeks now. its been so hard to bring my grief to the surface. very long long story but at the same time that i have been working on grieving the loss of my mother (in november) i have also been doing my own weeding and tending my own garden. i am currently working on some very old issues (both my parents who now are deceased, were both alcoholics) while i didnt have close relationships w/ either of my parents, my mothers illness (alzheimers) and subsequent death have been the catalist for me to beging a new chapter in my life...a healthier one. life altering events (such as a death) i think are wake up calls for us all to really evaluate our lives and who we choose to keep in our circle. i too am weeding out those people who bring me down. good luck in your journey.

[kellymarie]

This, too, has been one of the most life changing aspects of losing a loved one for me. I feel like a completely different person, and the one thing I feel the most is with relationships with everyone in my life. I used to see relationships on a gradient from black to white with all the shades of grey in between. I was much more tolerant of "semi-real" relationships or more "one-sided" relationships. Now, relationships seem very black and white to me. I can either talk to someone and get directly through to their true self, or I can see the other person as shallow or having a wall around their true self. It just seems so simple now. There's no need to bother with this second group of people when we should be investing our love, time, and effort with the first group of people. It seems that the beauty in life is made of the true, deep relationships we have with others.

I, too, love that passage from Companion through the Darkness by Stephanie Ericsson that Paul mentioned:

"Grief makes what others think of you moot. It shears away the masks of normal life and forces brutal honesty out of your mouth before propriety can stop you. It shoves away friends, scares away so-called friends, and rewrites address books for you.... Grief will make a new person out of you, if it doesn't kill you in the making."

[Paul S]

Its amazing how that passage from the Ericcson book keeps popping up for me, and helps to endorse or validate actions. I think it was one of the first texts I read wayback when (yeah, wayback, as in wayback in January. Almost a lifetime ago). Glad to see it means something to someone else. Another chapter in that book, I forget the chapter's title, also helps in 'weeding through' relatiunships. It's the one near the end, on dealing with the Evil in people. A very useful chapter to read, if in your grief you've been harmed by others. (I'm being charitable in my use of the word 'harmed'. I could have used a stronger term ) .

I think an important part of this weeding process is the removal of certain parts of ourselves. Opinions, attitudes, behavior, etc. It's a neccessary consequence of 'weeding through' that ends up with our noticing things like "I've changed". You notice, in bits and pieces, what's important in yourself, and what is so shallow, or a wall (although putting up a wall may be needed from time to time. I have to learn to disern when to lower it). And what beliefs are non-negotiable. "This is what and who I am, take me or leave me." You become a little bit detached from others, or the world, beacuse of this weeding through.

This makes sense? Can you tell when someone has built a wall around them to project a false front, or if they are just...detached? Detached from the world because of their own grieving process?

Take care, all.

Paul

[shell]

Paul,

What an interesting point! Can you tell the difference? I'll have to think on this one for awhile, but would love to hear what the others think. I'm not even sure I know the difference in myself....when I'm putting up a wall and when I'm just detached!

Hugs,

Shell

[Paul S]

shell: One may never know the difference. May be a matter of perspective, combined with a knowledge of the person. Sometimes you have to give them the benefit of the doubt if you just don't know them,or what's going on inside.

But like kellymarie I think, implied, if its a false front inasmuch as they're being fake, cut 'em loose. Who has time for that?

[kellymarie]

Okay you two, you've got my brain thinking about this one for a couple of days now. And I actually realized something very interesting in my own life. A previous boyfriend of mine (not the one who died; although dating me is dangerous; 1 of 4 boyfriends have died, a bad statistic. SORRY! ), who was 28-29 years old at the time, had lost his father in a car accident in his early twenties. His mother quickly re-married, and he was always disturbed about this. But, our entire relationship, he had a wall up around his emotions. I fought and fought to tear down that wall. Over two years, I never felt like I got through; I never really loved him. But after we broke up, we remained friends, and I helped him get and put up his Christmas tree one year. I didn’t realize at the time but he had never been able to enjoy Christmas since his father died. Within a short time after Christmas, he finally came to me to talk and the wall had finally been torn down. (Unfortunately, I had already moved on, and I have stopped dating people with walls! ) BUT I never considered, because I never understood grief before, that his wall may have really been his detachment due to his grief over his father’s death.

So I don’t think, in the past, I could tell the difference between a fake wall and detachment due to grief. I would hope that I would now be a bit more understanding and maybe a bit more discerning. But I think you do truly need to know a person really well to see this subtle difference. So I guess that’s where the benefit of the doubt comes into play when dealing with grieving people.

But as for anyone in my life with a false front, no depth of emotion, and no known history of loss/grief, I don’t have time to waste! Life’s too short!

[shell]

Interesting perspective, Kellymarie. I think you and Paul are right, that we may not know the difference and the benefit of the doubt thing is wise. I also agree with you about having no time for shallow people. I feel the same way.

Hugs,

Shell

[Paul S]

This is a little off-topic, but kinda related. Last nite at a grief support group I attended, the point was made towards the end by someone about all the well-intentioned things that well-meaning but clueless people say to us about our grief. The point was that WE may have said similar things wayback before our own grief experience, and its a shame that it took someone's death before we realized how hurtful or irritating such things can be. Too bad people can't be sensitive enough from the get-go when others are hurting and either say nothing at all, or say some things a little more well-considered.

Just a little aside, cuz WE at some point may have been 'weeded out'. May explain why my life at times seems like a compost pile .

[kellymarie]

That's an interesting point. Makes me wonder if I should get in touch with the ex and apologize for anything I may have unintentionally said/done way back when I was so naive to death/loss/grief.

[KathyD]

As to what Paul said about the possibility that we may have said things unintentionally insensitive or non-helpful prior to our own grief experience, I completely agree. I had a friend who lost a long-time love two years ago and when she died I had no idea what to do for him or how he felt (I certainly do NOW). I tried to be sympathetic and be there for him but I also did things that are irritating to me during my grief experience, such as trying to get him out and about before he was ready. I thought being social would boost his spirits but since that's the last thing I currently want to because it doesn't do squat I can see how I might have been pushy without knowing it. I also told him that he'd move on from his loss and now cringe at the thought that I said that. He thankfully didn't weed me out of his life (and he is giving me all the space I need) but when people annoy or upset me these days I think back to how I was with my friend and try to remember that it's hard to understand what a person is going through until you've actually been there yourself. This doesn't mean that I don't get irritated or don't feel like screaming, and it is unfortunate that you have to walk in another's shoes before you can relate to them on some level, but this experience has made me much more aware.

That said, I definitely do believe that losing someone definitely opens your eyes to who your true friends are and at times it's unbelievable that a person or people you have tried to support for years suddenly doesn't have time to call or even attempt to be helpful. In my mind it only goes to show (as others have said) how shallow people can be and in a way the weeding through process saves us from wasting our efforts on people who are "takers."

Kathy

[Paul S]

At yet another timely and relevant grief support group meeting I attended last nite, a buncha people had mentioned that we grievers quite often put on a "mask" to protect others, who may not know what they're doing, inasmuch as they are uncomfortable with us in our grief. We do not wish to share what we are going thru, and therefore build a wall about us, or a mask as they said.

One specific point to illustrate this is when others ask us "How are you doing (or feeling)?" And if we tell them exactly, then maybe we'll never see them again. And so we don a mask to protect them.

And the point was made a few times about how it took a death of someone close to us to generate this sensitivity in ourselves, or to install a "BS detector" in our brains.

Interesting meeting. I was thinking about this topic. "Oh, gosh, I wish they were here."

[Haley]

Paul

At your next meeting ask how they think we should put the mask away and express our selves. As for the mask I can see that but I don't even really no how I feel or how to put it in to words. The main word I can see is WHY???

Why my MOM ???

Why me ???

Why now???

Why just everything is why to me?????

Haley