Pressure?

[KathyD]

Hi,

I was just wondering whether anyone has experienced feeling overly pressured by things that were no big deal in the past, to the point where it's so overwhelming you explode? This Saturday a friend invited me to go out on the town and then the on the next day I'm supposed to meet my Mom and grandmother for dinner, but last night I became so upset and angry that I wanted to scream. I don't know why but this morning I was crying and screaming in my car (which I NEVER do) and felt that although rationally I know such social get togethers are normal I just felt like I couldn't do any of it. It's only been 3 months since my Dad died and it's been hard for me to commit to any plan, and if I have to I feel pressured. I have people telling me I should do this or that but I'm not ready and have to deal with this in my own time and way. They just don't get it and the more they tell me "it's only a dinner", etc., the more irritated and angry I become. I was so anxious last night that I was having chest pains! Has this or something similar happened to anyone else? I'm normally calm, practice yoga and meditate so these emotions aren't helping me cope any.

Kathy

[Maylissa]

KathyD,

I picked and chose what activities I wanted to do, period, and declined all others that I felt would be too difficult to manage, or didn't offer a quiet, private place to retreat to should I need to cry suddenly. I didn't care what anyone else thought ( except for hoping they'd understand when I explained why I wouldn't be attending ) cuz this was ( and is ) my journey of grief, not theirs. The fact that I disappointed a few people was secondary to this form of taking care of myself and my needs.

People, in general, often don't realize how much of a 'shouldy' attitude they have ( in fact, many of us are taught that this is a normal and okay way to think and express ourselves ), even at the best of times. During grief, it just becomes that much harder to hear/bear. You don't have to let it sway you from what you think is best for yourself.....just ignore it as best you can. Our feelings while mourning are at an all-time high level, and their intensity can be frightening and rather 'primitive'-feeling....all completely normal. We need keep reminding ourselves ( or teaching ourselves if the concept's new to us ) that only fellow-grievers can relate to these commonalities of grieving. I even found that some folks who'd had losses many years ago had somewhat 'forgotten' how intense things are when grief is fresh....but some came 'round once I mentioned it.

The fact that you've had regular practise in yoga and meditation will, I believe, help you along the way, even if you don't see any immediate benefit right now. I was so distraught for the first year that I gave meditation up completely as I couldn't focus whatsoever on anything....but I didn't beat myself up for it. The acceptance of one's feelings, and self-respect for one's process at any given moment, is what's really important and that in itself can be a form of mindfulness. Respect yourself, listen to your own inner guidance and I'll bet you'll do just fine! Besides....heavens!.....3 months isn't long into mourning. It's like being a 3-year-old with a new and unpleasant experience ....it'll take time to adjust to.

[dpodesta]

I can't say I have had the feelings to the extent that you have, but I have felt the pressure and iratation of having to do things, when I want to do something else. The biggest area noticeable to me has been the lack of patience specially when it comes to my son. Even my family has noticed the lack of patience. I think with the death so recent for both of us that things get blown out of porportion very easily. I have had anexity over the things I have to do myself now instead of having someone help with it to the point I have given my self chest pains. What I can say is be sure to make some time to spend with your self, even if it is only 5 minutes a day at first. I started doing that about a week ago and it has helped a lot. Find something to do during that time like write or anything else that you enjoy. As time goes on start increasing the time for yourself. For the first 2 and a half months I was doing everything but spend time for myself and that is where a lot of the iratation came from. Hope this helps

God Bless

Derek

[KathyD]

Thanks for the insights Maylissa and Derek!

As this was the first time I was so overwhelmed with anger I wasn't sure what exactly sparked my intense irritation since everything seemed so benign. Maylissa - you're so right with the "shouldy" attitude people have. I know they think that saying a person should do this or that might help with the grief, but they're not the person experiencing it. Most of my friends have tried to understand and have been there for me, but there are others who only make things worse. I do try to ignore what I tell myself is misguided advice and do what I feel I need to to cope. I just have a tough time when it comes to family, as I feel guilty if I can't be there emotionally and if I try to put on the "face" I wind up feeling guilty, resentful and irritated. It is early in the grieving phase and I find it unbelievable how some people can expect me to suddenly be happy - I had an uncle write to thank me for something I forwarded and he commented that he had gotten the impression I was unhappy. My Dad died three months ago!! How the h*ll did he think I'd feel?

Sorry, got off track there! Time to oneself definitely is the most important thing we can do to help us get through our pain, though, and it's nice to know that there are others out there who DO understand why this is the way it has to be.

Kathy

[Maylissa]

KathyD,

Yah, I know....I had one aunt ask me, with incredulity in her voice, if I was still grieving heavily..only 2 months after my Mum died. I was able, that time, to keep my anger in check, and simply responded by telling her, "Well, of course!!....it's only been 2 months, after all!" This seemed to wake her up and she ended up agreeing that grief takes a long time. It made me wonder how she'd 'forgotten' that fact, given that we'd just had conversations about her sister who'd passed a few years before, and whose death had really done a number on her. Meanwhile, I'd lost my Mum and then my brother w/i 2 months, yet that fact hadn't really gotten through to her in that moment. Serious brain farts, I say! Since we'd been talking every couple of weeks since the deaths, I don't even know how this time-frame had slipped by her, either. However, from then on, at least she expected me to be still grieving, so I was glad I'd piped up.

Re: 'shouldy' statements: I've learned ( long before my losses ) to make suggestions, using words such as "consider" and the like, instead of "you should or shouldn't....It's best to give people options or ideas ( even IF you think something is what they really need! ). In the same vein, I try never to tell someone that I know exactly how they feel, especially with grief, cuz no 2 people's reactions are exactly the same; maybe only similar or very close, but not exact.

As for spending time alone, I wasn't, really. I was with my husband &/or our furchild...my family, where I wanted to be....except for the times my husband and I were the ones having trouble with each other! But I always made sure I was keeping my husband abreast of how I was feeling each day, or each hour out of a day if need be! I found it helped, so that there were fewer 'surprises' for him to have to try to figure out. In fact, I think this helps with alot of people....just apprising them of how you're feeling and why. Most people don't argue over what is a fact for you, as long as you state it w/o taking their heads off and stick to those "I" statements. I guess I done pretty good with the not feeling guilty for grieving thing, cuz I felt I truly deserved to be allowed my mourning. That's what comes from reading and educating yourself, and talking to fellow grievers about the many faces of grief...and more power to us!

[wacked612]

KathyD,

Perhaps your post more adequately explained what I meant when I asked if my gf's detaching from others was something that occured during the grieving process. It was almost like reading what she would have written a month ago. (Her dad died 5 months ago.) Things seem to be settling out some for her now, but there were times when even a phone call seemed like too much pressure. It seems to ebb and flow, and I am learning that each day may be different. I hope you'll give yourself the space you need and that others will respect that.

[shell]

Kathy,

It truly has been such a short time since the passing of your dad that I applaud you for even being able to go do these things! I still could hardly function at that period (except for what HAD to be done....helping my mom with all the "legal" type things that have to be done, which they expect you to do RIGHT AWAY) and I think you are doing well to try to do the things you are doing. It shows how much you care about your family and friends. But that can be draining and you don't need to feel guilty when you don't want to do something. Sounds to me like you are doing more than enough.

Take care of yourself for a chnage, you deserve it.

Hugs,

Shell

[Jester]

Hi, Kathy:

I think I can guess where you are coming from. I have so low tolerance, get irritated and sometimes explode, taking it out on people who have done nothing but try to help. A close friend of mine told me a secret the other day, and I was so furious because he didn't tell me before I almost quit talking to him. He never found out:P

When grieving, we seem to get angry for no reason, or more likely for no justifiable reason. I think it's because nothing feels right. How can things be right or feel right when we are devastated on the inside? People trying to talk us into going out, finding a distraction, we also feel no one understands us. Some people, I can assure you, have no clue what they are speaking of, and some do, but not from our angle, they are not in our shoes. Just take what is good for you, toss away what is not good (or try, tossing away 1 out of 20 things is one less thing to be annoyed at) and always remember, even if you ignore them, that they mean no harm.

[KathyD]

Thanks everyone, it makes me feel so much better to know that this is normal and I'm not alone. Jester's comment really rang true:

"When grieving, we seem to get angry for no reason, or more likely for no justifiable reason. I think it's because nothing feels right. How can things be right or feel right when we are devastated on the inside? People trying to talk us into going out, finding a distraction, we also feel no one understands us. Some people, I can assure you, have no clue what they are speaking of, and some do, but not from our angle, they are not in our shoes."

It's so easy to tell myself this truth but it still angers me when friends can't comprehend why I have to cancel a girl's night out because I can't socialize at a bar or make happy talk about romance, etc. I told one yesterday that coping with death is like having an intense emotional wound, and that if I had a broken leg none would expect me to be able to go for a hike. He understood THAT but no one can see what it's like internally. And with tolerance levels at such a low point (I'm glad that was pointed out here) everything is enough to make you snap.

I'm so thankful for all of you and your advice, after reading your responses I calmed down immediately!

Kathy

[STARKISS]

Hi Kathy,

I too have felt like exploding over things that really meant nothing. I am always going to see my dog at my brothers but each weekend I choose to go I get so upset before hand that I end up staying home and not going. I even have gotten sick after fearing it so bad. Other weekends have been okay so I really do not know what happens to me. But I would try to pick the ones I feel comfortable and say no to the others. Lately though I have not felt very comfortable at all except when I stay at home Take care and I am sorry If I could not help you I will pray for you and keep you in my thoughts Take care and God Bless you Shelley

[KathyD]

Starkiss,

Thank you for your kind words. I think that because our tolerance to stress is so low even carrying out a plan such as going to your brother's can seem unbearable. Carrying out a plan means getting ready to go out, driving there, socializing, etc., and while that may sound "easy" when you're suffering through grief nothing is easy. I had to visit my family this past weekend and although it was supposed to be celebratory (two birthdays over two days) I was anxious the entire week before and got so upset by the second day that I had to leave. At first I felt really guilty but on the flip side knew that I had to do what would help me at that moment instead of putting on an act and making it worse for me emotionally in the long run. So I guess even if other people think that doing this or that is no big deal a loss IS a big deal and anything that we have to handle on top of that, minor or not, is adding to the stress we feel while grieving. Hope that makes some sense...I try to tell myself this whenever I think or am told I "should be able to" do something.

Kathy

[STARKISS]

Hi KathyD,

It does make a lot of sense and thank you for the message you sent to me. I think people who do not understand grief tend to try to make us feel bad for not being able to go and do things like birthdays or visiting family. Thank you again and God Bless You Shelley