I lost first her father, than I lost her

[Kevin13]

Hello guys,

 

I am going trough a terrible time. Meet this wonderful girl couple of years ago, started dating not much time after and we were togheter since a year.

Then everything went slowly to hell. 

31 January 2021, her father was diagnosted with cancer.  Her father was her everything. She loved him so so so much, incredibly much. She felt destroyed, and me with her. I gave her support and space. Two weeks after he got operated. Then, sadly, a month after the first operation, he passed away. Again, I supported her with all my heart and with every single ounce of energy I had left in my body. Seeing her devastated at the funeral was the most brutal thing I have ever experienced in my life. Just brutal, I cried nonstop, seeing her like that ripped my heart apart.

 

Now, after 2 months, she left me. She told me she feels empty, with no emotions. She told me "You are amazing, but I can't go on, I can't live a relationship. You deserve more and I can't give you anything at the moment, and this causes me even a more stress. And I have already an enormous amount of stress. I can feel that you are not happy at the moment and you just deserve more. I wish you the best. But at the moment, I can't. I need space for myself, just respect that. I also don't even know if this is the right decision to do, I'm just listening my gut". Even tho, at the moment I DON'T NEED ANYTHING FROM HER! And I told her, but she just don't want to listen. I told her I will just be here. Waiting. Giving support.

 

I have the feeling that she is just running away from the situation because of (of course) this incredible amount of stress. I also feel that this is not a ractional choice, but everybody react differently. 

 

I am destroyed. Still going on in my life, but destroyed. I am also super worried about her, she lives alone and I am just terrified about what she could do.

 

She still has my stuff at her place, I hope she will reach out and maybe she would talk a bit.

I am hoping. Maybe I am wrong hoping that she will be back. I don't know what to think about this.

Will she ever come back? I am so scared.

 

I just need help.

[kayc]

I am so sorry.  I have read (and responded to) each and every post in Loss of Love Relationship section, almost unilaterally all the same thing, and I don't recall any that made it, thought one did, but no, they came back later and said not.  This is classic.  I lost my fiance of a year due to the same thing.  He actually jumped the gun, broke off with me when his mom was dying, by Fed Ex, so I didn't get the benefit of a conversation about it.

The common thread is they can't do a relationship.  Or they feel guilty for each moment spent with us that could have been spent with their parent/loved one.  They feel stressed.  They are void of feelings/emotions other than grief.  

I hate to see you hope because they really leave nothing to hope FOR.  My best advice is to go no contact to give yourself a chance to heal.  That said, no one seems to heed that at first, still hoping/wishing...and I get that.  THIS IS A PROCESS.  And it seems we all have to learn it ourselves, when we are ready.  But going no contact not only aids your healing, but it could potentially preserve what was, I know that seems an incongruity, but the more you have the door slammed in your face the harder it is to love the person slamming it.  No matter how understanding we are.  We're human too and now YOU are grieving.  I'm so sorry, I wish this never happened.  Not everyone responds this way in grief, but enough do that it can be considered a classic response.  It is not your fault, nothing you said or did differently would have made a different outcome.  It is how SHE responds...and frankly, I would want my partner to go through thick and thin with, not dump me when things were hard...because guaranteed in life, it's not "if" but "when" things get hard, we lose someone we love, or other hard place.

I truly wish you the best going forward, no matter how you choose to handle it, you sound like someone that did not deserve this in the least, I'm also sorry she is going through this, none of us truly know how we'll respond until we're there.  I have been through a LOT of grief in my life, including losing my soulmate and best friend, my husband nearly 16 years ago...yet I never pushed anyone away in my grief, the opposite happened, our friends all disappeared overnight.  No one asks for this yet it seems to come unbidden.  My best wishes and prayers to both of you.

[Kevin13]

14 hours ago, kayc said:

I am so sorry.  I have read (and responded to) each and every post in Loss of Love Relationship section, almost unilaterally all the same thing, and I don't recall any that made it, thought one did, but no, they came back later and said not.  This is classic.  I lost my fiance of a year due to the same thing.  He actually jumped the gun, broke off with me when his mom was dying, by Fed Ex, so I didn't get the benefit of a conversation about it.

The common thread is they can't do a relationship.  Or they feel guilty for each moment spent with us that could have been spent with their parent/loved one.  They feel stressed.  They are void of feelings/emotions other than grief.  

I hate to see you hope because they really leave nothing to hope FOR.  My best advice is to go no contact to give yourself a chance to heal.  That said, no one seems to heed that at first, still hoping/wishing...and I get that.  THIS IS A PROCESS.  And it seems we all have to learn it ourselves, when we are ready.  But going no contact not only aids your healing, but it could potentially preserve what was, I know that seems an incongruity, but the more you have the door slammed in your face the harder it is to love the person slamming it.  No matter how understanding we are.  We're human too and now YOU are grieving.  I'm so sorry, I wish this never happened.  Not everyone responds this way in grief, but enough do that it can be considered a classic response.  It is not your fault, nothing you said or did differently would have made a different outcome.  It is how SHE responds...and frankly, I would want my partner to go through thick and thin with, not dump me when things were hard...because guaranteed in life, it's not "if" but "when" things get hard, we lose someone we love, or other hard place.

I truly wish you the best going forward, no matter how you choose to handle it, you sound like someone that did not deserve this in the least, I'm also sorry she is going through this, none of us truly know how we'll respond until we're there.  I have been through a LOT of grief in my life, including losing my soulmate and best friend, my husband nearly 16 years ago...yet I never pushed anyone away in my grief, the opposite happened, our friends all disappeared overnight.  No one asks for this yet it seems to come unbidden.  My best wishes and prayers to both of you.

Many thanks for your reply.

 

I started no contact the same day she broke up. After her (really little) discussion to get to the breaking up point, I just texted her a sms after couple of hours with "If you will need anything, or just talk, I am here" she thanked me, wished me the really best and apologized for her decision, but again, she told me she could not do anything different. And I respect that and I also understand it. She just can't be in a relationship right now. That's as hard as it is, one can just accept this and just do a step back.

 

After that I went totally no contact. No more stories on Insta, no more Facebook activity, nothing. I vanished to heal myself and to respect her decision to leave her space and time to heal too. 

I am hoping? Yes of course, as I said. But again, thats totally normal I guess. Time will heal my wounds. She still, as I said (I think) my stuff at her place. Nothing that I really need right now, but in 4 weeks she will move away (to a nearby city), she was so so so happy to show me her new apartment, she even tought many times to starting living togheter in that apartment. We also (back then, like 2 months ago) agreed that I'd pick up many furnitures from his apartment, to take in mine where I am living now.

 

I'm just extremely sad and destroyed for her. Least person in this world to deserve all this.

Sometimes I ask myself "what have our relationship could be" if this horrible thing never happend. 

I will never know. I feel like someone took her away from me without letting me experience everything with her. That's sad.

But I know. I will be better.

Working on myself.

 

But yes, now I have my last question regarding my stuff + forniture: should I reach out, in maybe 3 weeks and break no contact or I should wait for her? I mean, she will need to let me know if she wants to give me furniture and my stuff back. Again, I'm kinda lost and I don't know what to do. I am just focusing on no contact at the moment but I also need to plan this thing. Many thanks if you could help me out here.

 

Thanks again.

[Kevin13]

Also, sorry if I add something:

 

A week before the breakup she came to my apartment and she left some stuff in my wardrobe, she made basically her little spot where she can bring her own stuff to use when she's at my place (before me moving in a bigger room with bigger bed she wasnt coming much to my place, I was the only one going to her). Plus she was always "Now that I am moving, I will come so often to you! I'm really excited to see you more". She introduced me also to her family, shortly after the father died. And I mean, her WHOLE family (mother, brothers, aunts..uncles..basically all the relatives). I felt really part of her family and then boom. All gone. 

This always planning the short future with me...uff. Hard.

 

Does this change anything? Or..I don't know. 

I know I'm trying to find everything to have a bit of hope.

[kayc]

Jim broke up with me by Fed Ex, I got it at 9:30 am at work.  They asked me to leave as I was crying.  It was shocking, humiliating, it felt passive/aggressive for him to do it that way, and I don't understand that as I'd always been so good to him.  How you go from being their all to their nothing I still don't get. That night I boxed up everything he had at my place and dropped off at his place the next morning on my way to work.  He was gone, his roommate was there.  I skedaddled out of there!  

Of course you will have to pick up your things if she does not drop them off.  I would not use it as a time to start a conversation, but perhaps you could bring a friend with you who will help keep you on track.  

The sooner you let go of hope, the sooner  you will heal and have clarity.  It is false hope, but one I understand!  Like I said, this is a PROCESS!  

My heart goes out to you, I know how painful this is.  

[Kevin13]

@kayc

 

Little update. She broke no contact couple of hours ago. When I saw her name on my phone I had my heart goin up till my throat. Unreal feeling. Of course I'm not over her at all, but that's normal.

 

She wrote something like "Hey. I hope you are ok. Listen, can you with your flatmate reserve a day maybe in the weekend to come here and take the furniture you need or want to have home? I wish you a good day :)"

This means anything or means basically nothing at all?

I would of course like to see her again but..alone. Without my flatmate there (but heck, of course I need my flatmate there, can't transport a sofa and a gardrobe on my own lol, even tho im pretty strong :P)

 

Any advice? Didn't replied yet.

 

[Kevin13]

I replied. We talked a bit. Was really nice.

We are going to see eachother next Sunday and I will take up the furniture.

 

I miss her so much.

[kayc]

3 hours ago, Kevin13 said:

This means anything or means basically nothing at all?

It means she wants you to come get your furniture.  
Try not to read something into it that isn't there.  Be guarded of your heart, realizing this could set you back if you let it.

[BaxterBurg]

7 hours ago, kayc said:

It means she wants you to come get your furniture. 

I agree. Hope is the worst thing you can have right now and it will only delay your healing; your mind is trying to get any dose of it it can right now.

7 hours ago, kayc said:

Try not to read something into it that isn't there.  Be guarded of your heart

 

[Kevin13]

@BaxterBurg@kayc

 

Yes, hope is hurting me, I know.

I have another question since me and her really never discussed about the breakup.

 

Will make sense, sooner or later, having again a discussion with her? If it was her loss the main reason of breakup

I just have so many question without answers and this is driving me crazy, I'd like to know those answers so I finally start my healing process and stop overthinking the whole damn time.

 

Something kinda a closure

[kayc]

Let it go.  By coming up with more questions, you're really just wanting contact with her, which you're best not having...let it go.  Yes, it's like getting a fix.  Right now it'd only prolong your healing and hurt you.  There's nothing she could say to make you feel better short of, "I was such an idiot!  What was I thinking!!  I want you back!"  and that's not going to happen.  When these thoughts occur, go for a walk, talk to a friend, clean your vehicle, tie your hands behind your back, do anything BUT talk to her!

[Kevin13]

@kayc @BaxterBurg

 

Hello guys, quick update.

 

Yesterday I saw her. I went there with a friend because the furniture are kinda heavy to move alone, and even for a bit of emotional support (that I happily didn't needed).

She's beautiful as always, clearly not in a Sunday outfit tho, she put something really nice on, but she was clearly kinda nervous, never really looking in to my eyes or any kind of contact. She packed also my stuff (couple of tshirts and underwear) in a furniture, I discovered that once I was home, kinda sad tho. I had to re-wash the stuff, was smelling like her and I was just driving crazy.

At the end she was like "Hey, enjoy the furniture. Send me a photo" She then was basically closing the door, I was kinda leaving then I asked her for a hug. We hugged, I told her that if she needed anything I would have been there, she thanked me. We said bye.

 

Then after less than an hour we chatted a bit on Whatsapp. Showed her the photos, then I asked couple of things. She told me that I did nothing wrong in the relationship, she also told me that I can't imagine how sadly deep she is and beacuse of that I can't really understand what she is really going trough.

 

Also asked her to talk a little about our relationship, because during the breakup we didnt talk basically. 

She agreed, but "I will contact you when I feel ready for a conversation like that. I don't know when, probably will be when I will have tidied up my life a little bit".

 

But yea. Now I'll go again in no contact.

Giving her the space she needs and giving myself time to proper heal now. 

Even tho, my hope is still there and I would like to ask her something like "Would us two have a chance again to be togheter when you will have your life in your hands again?"
If its no the answer, I will immediately leave any hope and just then I could start healing. Now I feel like I'm just postponing it

 

Thanks for the help

[kayc]

I would venture to say "no" but she may not realize that fully yet, she is stumbling through this as grief does to us, winging it.

Try not to give place to hope for the relationship, it can hold you back healing and moving forward with your life, I know, easier said than done.  I'm glad you have your things back and that is behind you now.

[BaxterBurg]

I can only speak from experience here, and I don't want to cause you anxiety, but my ex and I agreed to have a meeting to talk about the relationship too, but she just ended up finding someone else and brushing me off.

Unfortunately the hope you are feeling will probably last a while, but:

5 hours ago, kayc said:

Try not to give place to hope for the relationship, it can hold you back healing and moving forward with your life, I know, easier said than done. 

The hope really hurt me and really delayed my healing. There were days I was totally convinced we would be back together and it only left me devastated when I saw this new guy was in the picture. 

Do your best to stay away, and read the Ovid quotes in my profile description if you like--it's ancient knowledge. 

Take care!

[Kevin13]

23 hours ago, kayc said:

I would venture to say "no" but she may not realize that fully yet, she is stumbling through this as grief does to us, winging it.

Try not to give place to hope for the relationship, it can hold you back healing and moving forward with your life, I know, easier said than done.  I'm glad you have your things back and that is behind you now.

Yea. I tought a lot yesterday. Was a really sad day for me. Cried a lot in the evening, but I guess better crying it out that keep those feelings inside. 

I guess even if I ask her, she would not have any clue about the answer herself. So I think this would be a really shitty question from me.

Even if she says "yes", then, how long should I wait before she will be able to be in a normal relationship? I don't want to wait forever.

If she says no, then its over forreal. In either ways, both of them aren't really the answer I am searching.

 

Thanks.

17 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

I can only speak from experience here, and I don't want to cause you anxiety, but my ex and I agreed to have a meeting to talk about the relationship too, but she just ended up finding someone else and brushing me off.

Unfortunately the hope you are feeling will probably last a while, but:

The hope really hurt me and really delayed my healing. There were days I was totally convinced we would be back together and it only left me devastated when I saw this new guy was in the picture. 

Do your best to stay away, and read the Ovid quotes in my profile description if you like--it's ancient knowledge. 

Take care!

Oh, damn. So sorry to hear that. That must have been really painful.

I don't think she is a girl capable of that, after telling me that shes not able to be in a relationship at the moment. But hey, nobody knows. 

But anyway she never uses social media so even if, I won't find it out (better so, I think).

 

By the way she's the most caring and loving person I have ever met and losing her father just killed her.

I hope (again, always hoping) that we could be, at least, friends, in the future. I don't want to loose a person like her

 

But I am also aware that if she will ever come back, she won't be the girl I used to know. This thing changes you forever.

I honestly and from the deepest part of my heart wish her so much strenght to overcome this situation. Sadly without me on her side. But I understand the choice.

 

Thanks again for your help guys. 

I will keep you posted if we will have, sooner or later, a talk. Till then, take care.

[CommanderCody]

1 hour ago, Kevin13 said:

Even if she says "yes", then, how long should I wait before she will be able to be in a normal relationship? I don't want to wait forever.

I need you to understand that your relationship will never go back to the way it was before. There is really no waiting here, only moving forward. By waiting for them we prolong our healing process and only adds more false hope that they might return - but they won't. 

 

1 hour ago, Kevin13 said:

I don't think she is a girl capable of that, after telling me that shes not able to be in a relationship at the moment. But hey, nobody knows. 

But anyway she never uses social media so even if, I won't find it out (better so, I think).

 

By the way she's the most caring and loving person I have ever met and losing her father just killed her.

I hope (again, always hoping) that we could be, at least, friends, in the future. I don't want to loose a person like her

 

But I am also aware that if she will ever come back, she won't be the girl I used to know. This thing changes you forever.

I honestly and from the deepest part of my heart wish her so much strenght to overcome this situation. Sadly without me on her side. But I understand the choice.

You are grieving. These questions and responses are normal especially on the early stages after the break-up. Being friends with an ex-lover requires tremendous healing from both sides but it's very rare for ex's to be friends again. I understand that you're holding onto hope that one day she might return to your life - I've been there exactly at your position 6-8 months ago. You can see in my forum (Relationship ended due to that she lost her father) how desperate I was trying to force her to stay in my life. 

You can't really force someone to stick beside you through their difficult times and the fact that she threw you overboard is a sign that she's not the one for you. Choose someone who chooses you regardless of any situation! 

The only right thing to do now is to move forward with you life. Be thankful for the experiences and lesson that you've learned from the relationship. I know it's easier said than done - getting over someone is a process. But take my word for it, you will be okay soon. I promise that. 

[kayc]

4 hours ago, Kevin13 said:

By the way she's the most caring and loving person I have ever met and losing her father just killed her.

Uh-huh, my ex-fiance was also very loving/caring but losing his mom threw him into a tailspin.  He changed on me on a dime!

She's already cut you off, you just have yet to realize it.  I'm sorry.  That's why I said this is a process...it's a PROCESS for it to sink in to you so you can fully realize & accept it.

[Kevin13]

I need help to stop me from doing something stupid. 

I know this is a terrible idea but I need someone external to remind me that.

 

She's moving out of the city in a week (shes going nowhere far, like 15min with car) and she always loved chocolate.

So I tought to buy her a little varaiety of chocolate (really small, 200gr or so, nothing fancy) and put it in her mailbox, with a small letter wishing her strenght for the future.

 

Why? I don't know. I feel somehow guilty that I have might not supported her enough while her father passed away (even tho it was really difficult for me to understand how to act, what do to and so on, I just was there for her..don't know if that was enough) and I would like to do something nice for her one more time. I really don't want to accomplish anything if not just make her smile a bit and think of me like a nice and caring guy (that she always told me, by the way)

 

I know this is probably a terrible idea, could you please confirm that in order to stopping me doing that? 
Many thanks again

[CommanderCody]

Hello, Kevin. 

I understand your need to show her an act of kindness towards her even though you're not obliged anymore. My advice would be simple:

Do what you think is the right thing to do but know and be ready to face the consequences of it. Sending her chocolates with a letter would be thoughtful of you but ask yourself what would you benefit from doing it? Would she take you back and be a couple again? I'm pretty sure she acknowledges everything that you have done for her but she broke it off with you. You have no more obligation to her at this point. Making every inch of contact with her, no matter how small, will only give you more false hope and prolong your healing. 

Honestly, I think you've done everything you possibly can (how do I say that? because we all have/had) for the relationship but sadly it wasn't enough for you two to save it. Be considerate of your inner peace, it's the most important thing you could do for yourself right now. 

[kayc]

I'm not going to tell you not to do something you already have your heart set on doing, that is up to you.  If your point is to show her you care, so be it, if you are hoping for something to come of it, I call that soft manipulations because it's done with motive with eye on results.  Only you know your motivations.  So if you can let go of the hope...

Sometimes it takes someone a while to come to the point of realizing that no contact is best for your healing and clarity period.  You've already been given advice, it's up to you whether to take it...or not.

 

[Kevin13]

I feel like I am going crazy today.

 

Yesterday I went to a small party with 2 of my best friends. Eventually I had a couple of Gin Tonic more then I should have and at the end of the party I just broke out in tears. They drived me home, fall asleep for a couple of hours, woke up again and broke out in tears again, for a good hour. 

 

I picked up the phone. I tried to sent her 4 or 5 voice messages, but then I always cancelled them and didnt sent them. 

After that, I ended up writing a huge message to her. Never sended, I deleted it just right after I was done writing. So yea, my self-control was pretty strong even tho I was drunk, lol. I could have make huge damage honestly, happy that I didn't sent anything.

 

But now, I am in bed since basically the whole day trying to rest a bit and get back on my legs..I miss her again so incredibly much.

I feel that she was the one, she's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen and I am still sure that she is the one for me.

Even tho I know its totally normal feeling in this way..I don't know what to do.

 

I am so close to just pick the phone now and try to message her a bit. Everytime we talked via phone (in 23 days, happened twice) she reply right away, with smileys and with a normal attitude. I desperately want her back. I never felt like this before in my life, that's really weird.

 

Why she's not contacting me at all? She even muted my stories on Insta..why? (Since like 2 days after breakup)

Its painful for her to see my daily life? Shes already moved on and she doesn't give a damn about me?

She was so unsure about the breakup but it seems, as she act, that she was definitely sure about what she was doing.

 

I feel like everyday is an opportunity wasted to trying to get back togheter with my ex

[Da808Dude]

Hey Kevin, 

I really admire your self-control. I haven't posted in this thread, but just to preface this, I should say my ex had a mother who died of brain cancer and broke up with me back in late December. Granted, we only dated for 4 months, but we were each other's first loves (we were seniors in high school) and we had a lot of firsts together. But I think everyone who has had someone break up with them due to grief has had similar experiences when it comes to healing, so that's why I feel compelled to write to you here. 

The relationship you once had is gone. It's not your fault, and it honestly isn't hers either - it just is, a symptom of her grief. I promise you, she still cares about you. But the truth is grief and the loss of someone so close, like a father, just fucks people over, no matter how they respond. It's a really, really traumatic event. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is this: She viewed the relationship as a stressor, and feels like you deserve more that she is able to give you, and feels guilty she can't give anything to you, so she just cuts contact. This is a very common response to some people who deal with grief, as I've come to know thanks to my experiences, all these threads, and people's experiences in them.

Only she knows why she isn't contacting you, but there could be a few reasons why. It's probably because she feels guilty and torn for breaking up with you, and the way she deals with it is by avoiding you and anything you post. So yes, it is painful for her to see your daily life. She isn't heartless, she broke up with you because her dad died. That's the only reason. If he didn't die, you two would still be together. I know it's so tough because there was nothing you could have done, or assign any real blame to (like if she cheated, or found someone she thought was better, or if you treated her like s***), but life is life and s*** happens and we need to move forward.

I really ask of you to just go through all these threads and just read them all, as so many people have been in your shoes and the insight you will get will be so beneficial. 

My advice to you is this (it's so hard converting thoughts into words, so forgive me if this comes out mean); your goal should be to move on and get over her. Regardless of the reason, she doesn't want to be with you anymore. Period. Try and forget the reason WHY she broke up with you, because now it's irrelevant. Focus on the fact that she DID break up with you, and move on accordingly. It doesn't help us to think, "oh gee, it wasn't my fault or hers, so we should hold on hope." I've been there. I think all of us here have. But really try to move on, and eventually you will! Go out with friends, accept the fact that she doesn't want, or can't handle you in her life anymore(it took me so long to realize this but just try and understand this), go hook up with different people (or if that's not your thing or if you are too old for that, just meet new people of the opposite gender), focus on work and bettering yourself, and do all the s*** you do when you go through a normal breakup, because at the end of the day, a breakup is a breakup. 

I'm really sorry you had to go through that. Luckily for me, it was just my first love in high school and I'm almost over it, and by the time I go to college in 2 months I won't even think of her anymore. I can't imagine if I was an adult in a serious relationship and that happened to me, so I really respect you. And I don't want to you to think I'm some young cocky guy but I think experience is experience, and hopefully you got something from this. Just remember that we deserve people that will stick with us through thick and thin, and that wasn't them, and that should be enough of a reason to get over them. I wish you the best Kevin, I promise you'll get over it. And try to forgive her and forgive yourself. 

 

 

[Kevin13]

5 hours ago, Da808Dude said:

1. The relationship you once had is gone. It's not your fault, and it honestly isn't hers either - it just is, a symptom of her grief. I promise you, she still cares about you. But the truth is grief and the loss of someone so close, like a father, just fucks people over, no matter how they respond. It's a really, really traumatic event. 
2. I guess what I'm trying to say is this: She viewed the relationship as a stressor, and feels like you deserve more that she is able to give you, and feels guilty she can't give anything to you, so she just cuts contact. This is a very common response to some people who deal with grief, as I've come to know thanks to my experiences, all these threads, and people's experiences in them.
3.  If he didn't die, you two would still be together. 

I really ask of you to just go through all these threads and just read them all, as so many people have been in your shoes and the insight you will get will be so beneficial. 

       4.  My advice to you is this (it's so hard converting thoughts into words, so forgive me if this comes out mean); your goal should be to move on and get over her. Regardless of the reason, she doesn't want to be with you anymore. Period. Try and forget the reason WHY she broke up with you, because now it's irrelevant. Focus on the fact that she DID break up with you, and move on accordingly. It doesn't help us to think, "oh gee, it wasn't my fault or hers, so we should hold on hope." I've been there. I think all of us here have. But really try to move on, and eventually you will! Go out with friends, accept the fact that she doesn't want, or can't handle you in her life anymore(it took me so long to realize this but just try and understand this), go hook up with different people (or if that's not your thing or if you are too old for that, just meet new people of the opposite gender), focus on work and bettering yourself, and do all the s*** you do when you go through a normal breakup, because at the end of the day, a breakup is a breakup. 

        5.  Just remember that we deserve people that will stick with us through thick and thin, and that wasn't them, and that should be enough of a reason to get over them. I wish you the best Kevin, I promise you'll get over it. And try to forgive her and forgive yourself. 

 

 

Update for everyone @kayc@CommanderCody@BaxterBurg Yesterday we talked a bit via Whatsapp. I texter her normally asking how was going packaging her stuff (she moves in a week in a town close to the one we live both now) and at the end I had to tell her how I was feeling about the whole situation because I never really told her my feelings in 3 weeks of breakup. 

She said she's sorry that I am feeling this way, but also that me opening up hurts her and put her under stress. She asked me kindly to avoid opening up in this way because its really an another stressor for her at the moment. Of course I am going to listen to her and stop sending her huge text where I say what I feel like and what I feel towards her. She thanked me (with a ❤️ smiley, tho, ahah). She also said me she don't want me to fight for her anymore, as again this is a stressor for her. Basically everything I do seems to be a sort of stress for her. 

 

She always reply back really fast and thats a good sign, she still want to talk sometimes. Even tho she made a statement pretty clear telling me "don't make yourself wrong hopes, its not because Im texting you back that I want also our relationship back". But if I am going to text her again, I will keep it lowkey easy conversation and never talk anymore about the relationship or about anything I feel (or how bad I want her back). Again, yesterday she said: I am sorry if this is hard for you and if you don't feel me, but I can't look up to anyone at the moment. Just myself. And that was pretty clear. And understandable. But I feel a bit better. I told her everything I had inside and I took away a stone I had on my heart and on my chest. Now I could finally start my healing process and I can let her go, even if it hurts like nothing I've ever felt before.

 

@Da808Dudethanks for your post. I am going to reply to the points I think they fit with my story:

1. Yes, but not even the relationship I once had is gone, the girl I used to date is also gone. She told me that nothing can be like it used to be. Our relationship can't be anymore like it used to be and she, as a person, she can't be as she used to be when her father was still alive. She's another person. And that cracked my heart when she told me this. I hope she can get back somehow to the amazing person she used to be.

 

2. Nailed it, thats true. I felt it in her actions. Also yes, it seems pretty common response to grief.

 

3. That hit me hard. And thats why I can't stand it. Its was not my fault or her fault that our relationship went to hell.

She was my dream girl, I "fight" so hard to finally start to date her, was everything so amazing with her, that was really my dream coming true. Since the first moment I saw her I tought she was the one for me and then because something like that, terribly, happened, is all gone. It might sound selfish but..I can't really accept it, yet. My head is full of "how beautiful could have been my life with her" and toughts like that. How the f*** can I avoid such toughts? Theyre killing me.

But also, if its really meant to be, we'll find eachother again, I suppose. I don't know if anything like that ever happen, but if we are really meant to be togheter, we will be. Somehow. If not, then it wasn't meant to be.

 

4. I am trying it. Since the breakup I still kept doing all the stuff I was doing before. Training, studying, working. Meeting up with friends. Trying to keep my head away from her. Its difficult tho.

 

5. Also true, yes. But I don't really blame her, or myself (well, maybe I blame myself for I don't know which reason ahaha) but I already forgive her. I know this wasnt an easy solution for her, at all. Breaking up sometimes is harder than being dumped and we can't compare the feelings I am going trough with the feeling shes going trough. I lost her, but she's still alive and if we want we can see eachother again. She lost someone she can't ever have back. And thats heartbreaking. I wish her strenght.

 

I also wish myself strenght to try to overcome this mountain. This aint a small one for me, looks like a damn Everest at the moment.

What doesnt kill you make your stronger.  Right?

[CommanderCody]

2 hours ago, Kevin13 said:

She always reply back really fast and thats a good sign, she still want to talk sometimes. Even tho she made a statement pretty clear telling me "don't make yourself wrong hopes, its not because Im texting you back that I want also our relationship back". But if I am going to text her again, I will keep it lowkey easy conversation and never talk anymore about the relationship or about anything I feel (or how bad I want her back). Again, yesterday she said: I am sorry if this is hard for you and if you don't feel me, but I can't look up to anyone at the moment. Just myself. And that was pretty clear. And understandable. But I feel a bit better. I told her everything I had inside and I took away a stone I had on my heart and on my chest. Now I could finally start my healing process and I can let her go, even if it hurts like nothing I've ever felt before.

I cant avoid not seeing myself 6 months ago in you right now. I felt like I was the one writing this down lol 

Keep in mind that whenever you initiate contact with her, you only hold yourself back from healing and keeping in touch with her wont do you any good. Trust me, I've been there (you could read my forum to get some perspective). I know how desperate we are into keep them in our lives but thats something we cant control.  

One thing to consider if you're going to continue talking to her, walking on egg shells aint an easy thing to do. You will constantly feel stressed of carefully thinking of everything you're gonna say to her; as you have already mentioned that you're " lowkey making it an easy conversation" that's already the start and it's hard, trust me. I know the feeling you're going through, I wish you strength if you proceed with this. 

[kayc]

9 hours ago, Da808Dude said:

The relationship you once had is gone. It's not your fault, and it honestly isn't hers either - it just is, a symptom of her grief.

Very true.  And I'm sorry for your heartbreak as well.  This is hard to get through but can be done, I've been there.

My best to Kevin, drink won't help your healing any, can complicate things, it's amazing you had enough control even so to delete the messages (thankfully).  No contact is best while healing, it will help you see things clearer in the long run but best to keep busy and try not to fixate on her.