Grief and Support

[JimJim]

After losing Nancy Dec 3 2018, the most important person in my life, was in a fog for a really long time, still are, where the days just come and go, with nothing really mattering, so I questioned myself as to why I was still here, I should have left when Nancy did, so since then I have survived 4 suicide attempts, each time thinking I was doing enough to put me to sleep permanently, only to wake up, the last time I slept for 3 days afterwards, but that was the extent, and each time I would end up in the hospital psych ward only to be released to try again, I call them practice attempts now, as I could never get the calculations right, my last attempt was Oct 16th 2019, was trying to hang myself and the bar that I was using for support of the belt broke off, so it was then that I stopped drinking, sober now since, and in that time I have joined zoom groups for grief support by hospice, have talked with several psychologists and psychiatrists, have gone to psychics and mediums, but they seem always to relay the same message of healing, and that Nancy is with me, I suppose ethically they're unable to tell you anything else for liability issues, wish I could find someone to be brutally honest with me about death and dying. I myself have conversations with Nancy all the time, as I could never stop doing that, is a daily habit I have no intention of kicking, but I find that all of her friends, the ones she loved dearly, have all forgotten her, except for one Cathy, she is true blue, but even my friends and family are not interested in me talking about her whenever I do they quickly change the subject, I suppose they've moved on and there's nothing wrong with that, they have their own lives to live, but still you would think that by looking and listening to me, that somehow they would know that my life stopped that Dec night and looking back is all I have, as I will never experience that life of happiness again. So basically everyone that said they would be there for me have disappeared, no longer wanting to hear my story, for them it's out of sight, out of mind, but for me it's 24 hours each day going back in time, to Miss, Love and remember just how lucky I was, the most Beautiful woman in the world to me, Loved me, with that I was able to love myself, Nancy held me together, she's the one that kept me going, now leaving only emptiness inside, I would tell my doctors how can I kill myself when I already feel dead inside, feel like I am on life support needing someone to pull the plug. Just a note, are no longer suicidal nor impulsive to do so, are willing to wait it out till my time comes, but I tell you this, if I were to drop dead right now for some unknown reason, it would be a dream come true> Thank you

[kayc]

This post really scared me as I began to read it, suicide is so permanent!  It's so essential for a griever to give themselves ample time to adjust to all of this, it can take years for that adjustment!  It's so important for people to get help when they need it, to have good support around!  I had a family who loved me but they couldn't begin to comprehend what I was going through.  This is one of the hardest things in the world for someone to go through!

I'm glad you've made it thus far.  One of the scary things about suicide attempts is it can leave you totally incapacitated for the rest of your life!  That would be an even worse state.  I hope you find even an iota of good in today and can recognize it for what it is.  Do not compare to what WAS your life, nothing will measure up the same, but instead try to see something for the value of it itself.      This has helped me greatly in this journey of nearly 16 years now.

[nashreed]

I have to say, even though I have thought about the "suicide route", I couldn't do it to my Mom, and I figure I wouldn't succeed with my luck. If you've survived after that many attempts JimJim, you have to be here for a reason- even if its just to be a piece of this puzzle that all of us here reading these posts are trying to construct. It's more like constructing a Lego house- none are the same, they're wonkily constructed, a lot of odd angels- but hopefully they're functional and can be "lived in" eventually. 

It truly sucks that when I talk to my father-in-law, and when I bring up Annette, he just can't talk about her anymore. He just doesn't want to talk about her anymore. I don't know if he has just moved on or just can't "go there" anymore. He knows she's in Heaven, she's good and that's that. But I want her memory to still be a living, current part of my life and it is so hard to do now. It's easier to just not think of her throughout the day and getting through the day becomes easier that way- but it is such a rude, disservice to her. I can't just go on pretending she didn't exist. I have all these reminders of her, they bring comfort and sadness in equal measure. He calls me his "son", which is nice, I guess, but I don't want to be her replacement that he just uses as a sounding board to talk about his other family and his busy life with them. It's a hard balancing act. I don't enjoy it. Luckily, I have some things that give me some peace and I try to look for little moments of "happiness". I have a friend who I owe my life to, as just knowing that someone cares about me- who I really am and not what they want me to be- means more to me than anything. I'm not looking for anything more right now than a kind heart. 

 

[JimJim]

Truly appreciate all your words of support, and yes going forward, I realize that nothing will ever come close, even a fraction close to what was once was my life, I always try to remind family and friends to tell those whom they love, just how much they matter, make them aware of your love, as I never even had a chance to say goodbye, as it was sudden, and that's what hurts the most, so now all I can do is hope she can hear me as I express to her my love all day long ❤ Mentioning trying to find the good in life, very difficult to do as are unable to find it, except for these times speaking with you fine people, as you all understand the plight we are all in, others just don't seem to get it, so I try to express to them, appreciate that your life is still together, that the person waiting for you at the start and ending of each day is still there for you, this is your treasure, so hold on as long and as tight as your able, as time and life are both  fleeting and always changing! Always thought that I would have Nancy, as our love was the only thing that was permanent and unchangeable, but unfortunately even love cannot stop the tides of time. and yes the people that were willing to listen in the beginning have all but faded, they've moved on, and that's okay, as they have to live their own lives, but would appreciate if even just once, they would reach out to me with even only just a mention of Nancy, but I suppose they haven't held on to the lose,  and is only a memory now, well this memory is still my life, and will remain so till my last breath.  Wishing you Kayc and Nashreed and all others a Truly wonderful day. 

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, kayc said:

Do not compare to what WAS your life, nothing will measure up the same, but instead try to see something for the value of it itself.

That’s a tall order as we all know.  I try and do this and have to accept, for me, most days mean nothing.  Actually, all days mean nothing.  Some just have a break with a meeting, counseling or maybe actually getting lost in a TV show for a little bit.  It would seem counseling or my grief groups would cause more focus and keep me in it, but I already live there and not having anyone else to talk to I so need it.  I spend all my other 'talking' time on either business, med probs or listening to others busy lives.  
 

2 hours ago, nashreed said:

I have a friend who I owe my life to, as just knowing that someone cares about me- who I really am and not what they want me to be- means more to me than anything. I'm not looking for anything more right now than a kind heart. 

I’m so glad you have that.  I wish I did.  I have a couple people that care, but I don’t feel I am of paramount in their life.  A feeling I truly miss.  I’m still stunned I lost everyone that completed my life after losing him.  Oddest sense of irony.  People so important to me gone for various reasons including death.  A kind heart.  Yes, that’s the perfect words.  I’ve met 2 women with that, but we’re not very tight.   They are with each other and it sometimes hurts not being a part of it.  But, they do give me something so I’m taking that as a win.

33 minutes ago, JimJim said:

Always thought that I would have Nancy, as our love was the only thing that was permanent and unchangeable,

It’s truly a step into mortal life, even if we knew we all have to die.  It wasn’t something we thought about snd certainly our love was going to continue on unfettered by such a thing.  It isn’t mentally , but physically it is.  I look back 20 years and see how we were happy and each day led into another of, what we thought, were a permanency in life.  When it started happening to friends we still felt it would never be us.  Until it did.  12 years ago I heard the words that toppled our kingdom.....I have cancer.  3 words that changed everything.  

34 minutes ago, JimJim said:

would appreciate if even just once, they would reach out to me with even only just a mention of Nancy, but I suppose they haven't held on to the lose,  and is only a memory now, well this memory is still my life,

Me too.  No one talks about him first.  I bring him up now and then, but it sure would be nice if for once someone, besides my counselors, would talk about him.  Tell me something they remember I didn’t know.  Just act like he existed as they knew him.  It only comes up when I say something or need help like shutting down his music studio.  I’m even getting trained not to bring him up as I  see the look on most people’s faces of 'this again?'.  But they don’t get it, I know that.  Maybe I’d do the same thing. I guess they look at it as yeah, you can say how much easier it would be to do whatever, but he’s not here so figure out a different way.  Like I have a choice?  This is from people still with their partners.  Sometimes I just want some darned validation this is hard.  But then, they don’t know so it’s a very lonely conundrum.  I’m seeking answers that probably don’t exist.  I think that is a huge part of grief.  We know the physics of it, but mentally?   There is no guide.  We’re just muddling thru the best we can.  Running into triggers that can cripple us.  I can get that odd piece of mail addressed to him.  It’s a knife.  Marg ran into a picture she had forgotten.  Talk to a customer rep with his name.  Can’t say hey!  That’s my husbands name happily now.  What I really miss is our pet names for each other.  Those are the hardest to not hear or say now.

[nashreed]

Exactly, Gwen. Every so often, her sister will share a little factoid about Annette when she was young, that I gobble up like water in a desert. But, I have to kind of prod them out of her. And, her sister lives all the way across the country, so its just texting. Her father is the only person I talk to on the phone. I kind of struggle with what to say. Annette was always so willing to listen to other people gab on, and seemed to never have anybody to listen to her talk- except me. I don't care about my father-in-laws little grandson, but thats his main focus, that and his church. Most everyone in my life only gets part of me. I can only share what they are willing to accept from me- what they want out of me, or what use I am to them. 

[kayc]

People do what they can to get by, whether it's blot it out or focus on it, we all carry our grief differently...yet it doesn't mean he doesn't love her, just his way of dealing with it is different.

[Gwenivere]

It’s really impossible to know how her father so dealing with his daughters loss as some people, especially men, have been taught to always be strong.   I’m glad that’s changing for the next generation.  His grandson provides a focus of life.  He may be more emotional at church.  That is a place many have to confront god about their pain with others.  He might also be trying to protect you from adding too your pain by playing down his.  You can only know if you ask.  You have to decide if you want to broach the subject.  Steve’s brother won’t talk about him and I find it very hard to take.  So I have an idea of how hard that is as he is a connection I could really use.  His sister was a huge support but she died.  I really miss having someone that knew him so well to share with.  
 

point being, would it help you to have him share his feelings?  If so, you can tell him and see where it goes.  

[nashreed]

Well, his extended family is leaving on a trip next week, and it will just be him and his wife. He said I can come by, so I will have to gauge the atmosphere at that time and see what I feel comfortable with. I've gotten him to talk about her before, last year. It's sad, because I know he feels like he wasn't there for her, because he had to work a crazy amount of hours, because her Mom couldn't work when she was growing up. It's a delicate dance. I don't know if its worth it to bring it up.

[razorclam]

Well, does his guilt provide you an opening of sorts? Can you reassure him that Anette loved him anyway (if this is true), and then segue into some shared memories? 

[nashreed]

Well, that's how I know and confirmed the guilt that he feels. I wouldn't want to go to that well again, for his sake.

[Gwenivere]

That’s very kind of you, James.  We just don’t know how others are feeling and if he did want to talk about it, he certainly would with her husband.  

[kayc]

Yes, I get that.  It might not hurt to reassure him your Nancy didn't harbor anything but good feelings towards him.