Pay respect

[Sheemie]

My husband passed without a will. The only thing I knew is that he wanted his ashes spread in his childhood home of his fondest memories place.

I feel horrible regret that we did not figure this out for sure because I asked him, what about me, we did not know or expect this so soon so suddenly and I could not accept it.

After his passing I was thinking of burying him where we lived. It was beautiful there and I knew he wanted to stay there despite not being close to family. I was pressured to leave there by family which is another regret to be close to my family in another state. I do not know what to do. I feel trapped now. Upon his passing I got nothing from his family. They either did not know me, or hate me because I did not get along with my mother in law who just wanted control of us and when I wouldn't give it to her it was WWIII. Then all I would get from my father in law was calls every other day about money and stuff. Oh they were so nice to me until they got the money they wanted and now nothing. I am supposed to give my husband's ashes to these people? My husband's favorite person was his father. He saved him from his psychotic mother. My father in law is old I know a shadow of who he once was and I know that is the only person in my husband's family who I care to have a say in this but it's been so hard to talk to him. I've tried and his phone goes to vm always. It's shocking he is not in a home and still on his own. He called me around Thanksgiving to ask if I had a funeral for my husband. I said no and he was like ok bye. He really is not cognizant is what that is. I don't know how to facilitate my father in law. I tried talking to an uncle who was important to my husband and he was saying oh u don't have to come all the way out here to have a funeral at a church he did not belong to. My husband's family seems to be cremate and loved one keeps ashes. I would prefer to bury him in a cemetery and to my knowledge he wanted ashes spread. I don't know what to do. The guilt racks me. I want to have a parade for my husband but it's just me. I am thinking spread ashes where he wanted with my father in law and bury rest I  a cemetery where I can be with him or is that selfish of me

[MartyT]

My dear, for what it's worth, I do not think it is "selfish" of you to want to bury your husband in a cemetery where you can be with him when your own time comes. You are his wife; he is your husband. It seems to me that you should have first say over what to do with your spouse's cremains, and I hope you will pay close attention to your own needs and desires as you come to a decision here. Give yourself sufficient time to decide, and find someone you know and trust who will listen to your concerns as you do so.

Knowing your husband as you do, what advice do you think he'd be giving you today (now that he HAS gone before you), if you were to ask him this same question again: "What about me?" Where do you think he would want YOUR remains to be buried, if not with him?

[Sheemie]

I think he knew or thought he would die b4 me and I think he knew or thought I would meet someone else and not be alone for rest of my years as he kindly would not want me to be unhappy. His last words to me were asking to see my smile. I also don't think we thought about it that much either thinking we had a lotof time. I know I did not. I never cared what they did with me until my husband passed and am forced to make this decision. I also don't know if when I die if there will be anyone around me who cares what my wishes are. I also believe we both thought being buried in a cemetery would be to expensive for us and is not now. I think I need to remember that he choose me to write his story and to do it and forget the naysayers in my head that would complain about my every choice.

 

[Gwenivere]

17 hours ago, Sheemie said:

My husband passed without a will. The only thing I knew is that he wanted his ashes spread in his childhood home of his fondest memories place.

What a dilemma it feels, but I feel you found the answer in what you wrote above.  You were the closest to him and he told you.  Outsiders can complicate things.  He was your husband and partner.  He told you.   He trusted you to do as he wanted.  
 

I know outsiders pressures can be hard to take on top of your own grief.  I faced that myself.  I planned a formal gathering under their pressure til I stood my ground as his deepest confidant and said I would what he asked me.  My hope is he saw his wishes were granted.  
 

It’s only my opinion, but I think you know what to do.  Tune out the others that don’t have the bond you and he did.  💕

[kayc]

My husband died five days after his 51st birthday.  We never saw it coming.  We'd had casual conversations about "what if" and thought we'd scatter ashes on our favorite walk but never talked about where that was.  I held onto them for two years, and all of a sudden it hit me...THIS was the place he loved and felt most secure in his LIFE!  THIS is the place he called (albeit now 44 year old mobile home in the country mountains) "our home in the clouds!"  So I scattered his ashes in front of our forest and creek in our back yard.  Our porch swing we'd bought to grow old on overlooks it, and in my mind's eye I see us sitting there, holding hands, watching the hummingbirds come fight over food and the deer come graze in the back yard or munch the apples.  This is the place he loved the most, and it's where I am.

I've let my kids know THIS is where I want my ashes scattered too, so if they ever have to sell this place, that will be a contingency.  They call it the "family burial plot" as we also have our animals buried here and I have memorial stones where his ashes lay as well as where our pets are buried.

This place is inexpensive and there's always promo codes on line and the markers last the time...Personal Creations

Look within your heart, you will find your answer.  You knew him best.  Your feelings are not invalid either!!!

[bunflo]

On 12/16/2021 at 5:51 PM, Sheemie said:

My husband passed without a will. The only thing I knew is that he wanted his ashes spread in his childhood home of his fondest memories place.

I feel horrible regret that we did not figure this out for sure because I asked him, what about me, we did not know or expect this so soon so suddenly and I could not accept it.

After his passing I was thinking of burying him where we lived. It was beautiful there and I knew he wanted to stay there despite not being close to family. I was pressured to leave there by family which is another regret to be close to my family in another state. I do not know what to do. I feel trapped now. Upon his passing I got nothing from his family. They either did not know me, or hate me because I did not get along with my mother in law who just wanted control of us and when I wouldn't give it to her it was WWIII. Then all I would get from my father in law was calls every other day about money and stuff. Oh they were so nice to me until they got the money they wanted and now nothing. I am supposed to give my husband's ashes to these people? My husband's favorite person was his father. He saved him from his psychotic mother. My father in law is old I know a shadow of who he once was and I know that is the only person in my husband's family who I care to have a say in this but it's been so hard to talk to him. I've tried and his phone goes to vm always. It's shocking he is not in a home and still on his own. He called me around Thanksgiving to ask if I had a funeral for my husband. I said no and he was like ok bye. He really is not cognizant is what that is. I don't know how to facilitate my father in law. I tried talking to an uncle who was important to my husband and he was saying oh u don't have to come all the way out here to have a funeral at a church he did not belong to. My husband's family seems to be cremate and loved one keeps ashes. I would prefer to bury him in a cemetery and to my knowledge he wanted ashes spread. I don't know what to do. The guilt racks me. I want to have a parade for my husband but it's just me. I am thinking spread ashes where he wanted with my father in law and bury rest I  a cemetery where I can be with him or is that selfish of me

I'm so sorry for all the bother you're having with his family members. I know how that can be. As someone said above, do what's in your heart. Block out all the noise from everyone else and think of what he would tell you to do. If you can't imagine what his direct instruction would be, then imagine what advice he'd give to anyone in your shoes ❤️