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Making Strides

My church has a “Grief Therapy” class held each week. Historically it was held in programs (Ie from Date A to Date B).  

In the past when I have inquired about attending, for one reason or another had missed the class start date, and was told I could not join mid-program as I would “be behind” and not benefit from it. Thus was informed I would have to wait until the next session started (up to six months later). 

THANKFULLY, someone new has taken over leading the group, and has a different perspective altogether. Now, they distinctly point out people are free begin attending at any point, as the  classes are now self-contained and no longer linear.  

The importance of this, in my opinion, is the program no longer has to turn people who are grieving away.  As you can imagine, it’s an oxymoron to say “we care about you and are committed to helping….but you will have to continue grieving alone for six more months.”

My thought is they ended up having to to turn quite a few people away, and someone with a heart simply thought things through, and did the right thing. 

Regardless, this is both surprising and encouraging to me.  I don’t know what to expect, but will first meeting Tuesday night!

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I also want to point out I hope this is a positive step for me. Due to the isolation, and frankly depression I’ve allowed myself to fall in to, I have been very complacent in seeking any sort of help for this terrible state I am in. 

While I realize it is a lame excuse, I imagine part of it is due to the fact I had zero encouragement from anyone.  I think this put me in a mindset of “if no one else cares, why should I?”

This, in general, is a huge aspect of my life where there is a void My wife was always diligent in helping me find purpose and essentially telling me to keep my act together if I fall in to any level of sadness/anxiety  This is how people who care about each other respond in these situations   

To that end, while I continue to evolve through this ongoing soul-searching exercise of mine, I’m beginning to at least identify what I know I should be doing toward taking charge of my mental health, and I just pray that come Tuesday, I am not in some level of lethargy/depression that I have little motivation to go.  Honestly this has become a definite problem of mine I’ve  identified and am battling overcoming these moments. 
 

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I'm happy for you. I actually did look into a group locally, but at the time it was on hold because of COVID, of course. 

I don't think I could talk in front of people. I am daily losing the ability to talk and "act normal". I don't really have to be that communicative here. Annette and I used to hold conversations just meowing to each other. Being normal is difficult. I'd be interested in meeting  widows, but ultimately it wouldn't lead to anything. I'm a man of means by no means. I just have to accept my fate. I have no motivation to change, no support. 

Kudos to you, and I hope it goes well! 

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Nashreed, I personally enjoy your posts/feedback, and frankly thank you for them.  Thanks you are among the few widowers I’ve ever dialogued with.  If you have looked around, I imagine you have noticed there do not seem to be any services geared toward widowers. 
At one point, I was going to propose something to my city, Dallas, where they offer services to widowers, and eventually to widows.  
My idea was to simply monitor public records for death certificates.

The use case would be as follows:

1. Man loses spouse (identified in a system I would be happy fund/help maintain) and an alert is sent to a specific group of volunteers. 
2. Among the volunteers are other Widowers.  One of them is assigned to the new Widower, and reaches out to him to be a “buddy” so to speak.  Gives the new widower information on services that might be available, checks up on him (maybe meet for coffee), basically fellowship with the new Widower.  This is assuming the new Widower is interested. If not, no big deal. His decision.

I just have this sneaky feeling. there are a LOT of widowers out here; who lose their wife, go into isolation, and essentially sit around waiting to die. That saddens me and I wish there is something I can do.  
 

Regarding meeting a Widow, interesting you mention that. I have a question for the group for will post a desperate thread on it. 

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Wow, that's pretty ambitious. Since I'm surprised your power grid is still functioning down there, I don't think Texas is known for having their citizens best interests in mind or the infrastructure to organize that. (Please know that there are a lot of great people in your state, and one of my favorite artists is from Houston, but I've spent time there and it's not my favorite state. I do not intend to disparage it- it's just my opinion) 

I know by and large, widows seem to be much more disinterested in another relationship- just from being on here and other research. 

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1 hour ago, nashreed said:

I know by and large, widows seem to be much more disinterested in another relationship- just from being on here and other research.

The widows I talk with in my widows group all feel this way, they're from older generation than me and have a "one and done" mindset.

I think maybe widows don't want the possible responsibilities that may come with an new relationship. The widows with money tell me they don't want another man to use them as a purse, others say they don't like men who don't take care of themselves and are maybe unhealthy, as they may just be looking for someone who can cook, clean and care for them as they age. Others don't want to inherit another's family drama. I get that, and responded to one widow, "the only drama I enjoy is in my lashes," and to that I got a laugh. 

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6 hours ago, Boho-Soul said:

I think maybe widows don't want the possible responsibilities that may come with an new relationship. The widows with money tell me they don't want another man to use them as a purse, others say they don't like men who don't take care of themselves and are maybe unhealthy, as they may just be looking for someone who can cook, clean and care for them as they age.

Yep, pretty much it in a nutshell.

12 hours ago, Sad_Widower said:

As you can imagine, it’s an oxymoron to say “we care about you and are committed to helping….but you will have to continue grieving alone for six more months.”

For sure!  I have led grief support groups and never closed them to newcomers.  Pretty hard to do considering one can lose their soulmate at any given time!

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Thank you for each of your responses.  
i agree that Widowers seem by an large more unlikely to seek companionship and “help” for their grief…and I also think sometimes they perhaps just need priming. 
 

it really breaks my heart to think of all these good men, who are possibly at an elderly age, lose their wife and then spend their remaining years in isolation and sorrow until they just die.  
The proposal I had put together would at least provide an opportunity for them, so even if they thought they could cope alone, in the event it became too much they had least had a point of contact to reach out to.  
 

Yes, the proposal was ambitious but I had it all planned out (and it would not cost the city any money at all; although we would accept funding should it be offered. 

i had it pretty much planned out and was positioned to speak with the Director of Human Services (I think that was the division) but then Covid came, and then after pretty much losing the rest of my family I decided my efforts would have more impact overseas, so will be taking my wife’s remains to a location across the world where she wanted them disbursed, and staying there with her to help that community.  
 

Finally, thank you for those who provided links for potential assistance. I will surely check them out.  Unfortunately, I could possible still be here for up to the next 12 months, and feel comfortable enough to let you know it’s a struggle I’ve been too (something) to battle—but I also realize I owe it to myself, and more importantly, my wife. As I know she does not seeing me in this state. Sigh. 

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Oh, and no of course I take no offense regarding your thoughts on Texas, Nashreed (but thank you for clarifying).  Not that I would have under normal circumstances, but I’m sure one thing we all agree on:

After the loss of our loved one, we have been humbled to the point petty things no longer affect us—at all.  I can honestly say since my wife has passed, I have not felt anger toward anyone or any situation.  Disappointed? Yes.

I imagine some of the things that might effect the “normal” population—we just view them as small and petty when compared to “real life”.  I do view this as one positive.  Most if not all of us view the world in a different way now. 

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