Sheemie Posted January 9, 2023 Report Share Posted January 9, 2023 I have all these reasons why I am putting off doing what I am supposed to do and what I want to do. I know what I have to do which is let go of the life I had with my spouse. My reasons range from the weather is too cold, I don't deserve anything, I am scared of my in laws, At this point I think that ship has sailed. They have not contacted me in almost a year, I am still in a place of limbo and I don't know if I ever get to feel happy again. Every place every job just reminds me that I am alone now again and that I don't want to be here or go back to work just sitting or standing with people who will never within an inch come close to the relationship bond my spouse and I shared, tattletales who watch everything you do searching for something to tell on me for to make themselves look good. I am so lonely without his love and support I struggle to even go pay my rent. They all cling to their spouses so that world doesn't close in on them. Do I ever stop running from it. When I met my husband we were almost instantly inseparable. I went on a weekend trip without him and after that we were together just every day. We talked about everything and we shared everything and whilst did not agree about everything we made a team that I was searching for my whole life. The world now to me is just so much get you and got you and caught you I just don't even want to try anymore. I used to search for laid back people like me and my husband and I swear my husband and I are extinct species. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nashreed Posted January 9, 2023 Report Share Posted January 9, 2023 It's good to see you here, Sheemie. I know exactly, exactly what you're saying. I am in limbo, like the purgatory you here about in Catholic School, where you live in penance for your sins until you are deemed worthy for Heaven. This is what life is- a waiting room- waiting until I can be with my Annette again. Truly, it doesn't seem like anyone my age has a drama free life, or a life would allow someone new in after so many years. I cannot even fathom how I would meet anyone, let alone start a friendship or relationship in the real world (as opposed to online). You can try to meet someone online, but my profile would be laughed at out of hand. Literally, I sleep in the same bed (which used to be a bunk bed) that I did 40 years ago (with an "E.T." sticker on the headboard). How is that progress? I have nothing to show for my life with Annette. We struggled because of her medical debt/issues and my mental issues- but we were a TEAM. Always inseparable, and I will never have that with anyone again, yet I stupidly long for it. I can't even keep a friend to text with. I don't try anymore. I had a good life with Annette, and that's it. I just exist now, waiting. People can say "You're young, you still have a lot of life to live", but life means nothing without love. If you've never had the kind of love we had, then you are oblivious and can get by without it. You don't know any better. But, if you know what you've lost, how....why... Why go on. What's the point? I'm so sorry you're in these circumstances, but you're not alone in it, even though you are in this situation, like we all are. I wish all the lonely people could get together, but everyone is so far apart in distance. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 10, 2023 Report Share Posted January 10, 2023 18 hours ago, Sheemie said: I don't deserve anything You deserve to be treated well, with respect and I remember a quote from Dr. Phil "You have to teach people how to treat you." Sometimes you can't change people so in some cases you have to cut ties with them, make it increasing less often, since you haven't had contact in a year that shouldn't be an issue. I understand what James is saying 13 hours ago, nashreed said: I had a good life with Annette, and that's it. As far as having a coupled relationship, I've resigned myself to that is done, but never say never, I'm 70, my friend was 84 when she married the love of her life and they lived out their lives together, happily, so who knows. Yet it's been 17 1/2 years so not looking that way... 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sheemie Posted January 16, 2023 Author Report Share Posted January 16, 2023 Along time ago I had the courage to get out of the hole I was in and moved 2000 miles away. Not without help but considering I had nothing except a tiny car and few thousand dollars that was something. That first 2 years I moved on average 6 times per year, renting rooms, living in apartments, and trailers. It was the most difficult time. Then met my husband who saved me and taught me that I am worth something. I knew when I left all those years ago what I wanted and I need the courage hope and of course faith to go and get it. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 17, 2023 Report Share Posted January 17, 2023 Oh Sheemie, it must have been so hard moving all those times! I can't imagine (I've lived here nearly 46 years). I am proud of you and the initiative you've shown. He showed you the way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sheemie Posted January 17, 2023 Author Report Share Posted January 17, 2023 The hardest thing I have had to overcome in this is blaming myself, blaming others, and hating rhe world that my husband had diabetes and was a professional driver and had other things was life and we lived it the best we could. I could spend rest of my life wishing things were different and that won't change a thing. The world won't change for me but how do I go on in it. I guess as best as I can. I am going home...another elusive thing...where I remember my husband and where we lived...that is my home. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nashreed Posted January 17, 2023 Report Share Posted January 17, 2023 I hate my life and my world and where I am. I live with my Mom and brother in the same mobile home, in the same park that I did when I was a kid- except that now it's a "ghetto", with a lot of rude, inconsiderate people who let their dogs run around loose, bark all day and night, let their kids run riot. Just trashy looking homes (the same ones that have been here since the 70's). It's just not where I want to be. My home was with Annette. I wonder who lives in our house in Tulsa now? We loved that house. My life ended when she left. I don't know why I have to keep on living. Why can't I live in a progressive country that has legal, assisted end-of-life options? This world is not for me anymore. I know how terrible it is to lose your soulmate to Diabetes. Annette had a myriad of health issues, but it all began with the Diabetes that she had since age 14. I don't know why life is so cruel and unfair. Miserable, rotten evil criminals live long lives behind bars or on Florida golf courses, while good, beautiful souls pass away. No one except me and her brother and sister even care anymore. A lot of friends she has over the years probably don't even know she's gone. How would they? I have no contact with them. They didn't bother to keep up the friendships. They missed out. She was the best. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted January 17, 2023 Report Share Posted January 17, 2023 James, I think we could say that about anywhere. Yes, some places do fall into neglect. More often I see it’s my perception now that I have changed so much emotionally. Some places look improved or different. I resent that life keeps rolling along with no regard Steve is gone. But that is how life works. People die every day. The difference for us here is it is so affected by such a huge loss. It happens for others, and by so many other things like getting turned down for a loan, for example. Sometimes a cancellation of some fun plans. And some people handle this loss loss, I can’t find the word/s, more effective? I know they still f it, but not so paralyzed by it. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nashreed Posted January 18, 2023 Report Share Posted January 18, 2023 Well, I know that when I was a kid, there were a lot of older people here and people had respect and consideration for each other. Now, there's gang graffiti sometimes on the (mobile park) office walls and there was a shooting, and I saw the bullet holes in the window on my morning walk. I have been reading a lot about reincarnation and the theories about the afterlife. I sincerely, truly hope that I do not have to reincarnate. Can you imagine the world a baby born today will face? Will it even be liveable from climate change? Absolutely no, no, no. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 18, 2023 Report Share Posted January 18, 2023 I don't believe in reincarnation but it's a nice thought when you lose a dog you love and the thought of him going into another dog's body and being there for you once again sounds nice but also sounds like a fairy tale, something for people to hang onto, but then I guess a lot of people think that about my faith/beliefs, so there you go. Whatever we believe... I watched a doctor video yesterday about how fast diabetes is growing, 1 in 2 now, and they don't know 100% for sure why, is it genetics, how we eat? If purely how we eat, why can some eat whatever and not get it? I think it's much more complicated than that, we can control it with diet yet sometimes it seems so elusive after all we do. If genetics then it makes it sound like you're getting it no matter what, I don't think so, how come we didn't see this in the 1800s? So many questions..I keep exploring this, maybe someday by the end of my life we'll know the answers...I keep searching. I learn more about it every day. Like about glucagon. Sheemie, my heart goes out to you, how you want to go home...I am home but can't live here until I die. Those who do have a son nearby that can help them. I don't have anyone. This is harsh country, yet I've lived here 46 years this year. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sheemie Posted January 24, 2023 Author Report Share Posted January 24, 2023 On 1/18/2023 at 5:50 AM, kayc said: I don't believe in reincarnation but it's a nice thought when you lose a dog you love and the thought of him going into another dog's body and being there for you once again sounds nice but also sounds like a fairy tale, something for people to hang onto, but then I guess a lot of people think that about my faith/beliefs, so there you go. Whatever we believe... I watched a doctor video yesterday about how fast diabetes is growing, 1 in 2 now, and they don't know 100% for sure why, is it genetics, how we eat? If purely how we eat, why can some eat whatever and not get it? I think it's much more complicated than that, we can control it with diet yet sometimes it seems so elusive after all we do. If genetics then it makes it sound like you're getting it no matter what, I don't think so, how come we didn't see this in the 1800s? So many questions..I keep exploring this, maybe someday by the end of my life we'll know the answers...I keep searching. I learn more about it every day. Like about glucagon. Sheemie, my heart goes out to you, how you want to go home...I am home but can't live here until I die. Those who do have a son nearby that can help them. I don't have anyone. This is harsh country, yet I've lived here 46 years this year. I moved away 10 years ago and my moving became a job the first few years I moved 5 or 6 times per year and I worked for the government. As a single person with a dog housing choices are lease your trapped in, expensive home rental with 7 roommates, which are strangers. I now live in rv in camper just to be monthly and not feel trapped if I decide to leave. My husband and I moved alot still due to job and stepchildren issues. Home was us together wherever we were. I may never stay in one place again because he is never going to be there anymore and I am trying to find something to love again. I am on the path I will not give up even though I don't stay anywhere anymore I am trying to find something that can help me not just see a world without my person anymore. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sheemie Posted January 24, 2023 Author Report Share Posted January 24, 2023 5 minutes ago, Sheemie said: I moved away 10 years ago and my moving became a job the first few years I moved 5 or 6 times per year and I worked for the government. As a single person with a dog housing choices are lease your trapped in, expensive home rental with 7 roommates, which are strangers. I now live in rv in camper just to be monthly and not feel trapped if I decide to leave. My husband and I moved alot still due to job and stepchildren issues. Home was us together wherever we were. I may never stay in one place again because he is never going to be there anymore and I am trying to find something to love again. I am on the path I will not give up even though I don't stay anywhere anymore I am trying to find something that can help me not just see a world without my person anymore. I am also trying to navigate going back to work or volunteering. The living situation adds to it. I worked with a homeless person recently who completely lived in their vehicle, staying in motel rooms sometimes. I cannot imagine how difficult that is. They can't bathe, use toilet, cook food, have anything. I watch nursing homes going out of business on news and we have this whole workforce that is homeless because of exorbitant rent 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 25, 2023 Report Share Posted January 25, 2023 An RV sounds like a good solution. Do you have a dog? We need solutions on the high rent thing going on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted January 28, 2023 Report Share Posted January 28, 2023 On 1/24/2023 at 9:43 AM, Sheemie said: I am also trying to navigate going back to work or volunteering. The living situation adds to it. I worked with a homeless person recently who completely lived in their vehicle, staying in motel rooms sometimes. I cannot imagine how difficult that is. They can't bathe, use toilet, cook food, have anything. I watch nursing homes going out of business on news and we have this whole workforce that is homeless because of exorbitant rent Sounds like a really tough situation. I feel for you. Things are so hard right now for so many people. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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