My boyfriend broke up with me after his father's death and he's having his mother move in with him

[MaryMae]

Hi!
I'm so glad I found this discussion group. I was feeling really confused and alone in my situation, but reading other people's posts really made me feel better. I've decided to share my story, too, in case it would help anyone going through the same thing.

I met my ex-boyfriend Damian on Tinder in February. He told me his father was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer early on. At first, I was reluctant to meet him because I knew the upcoming passing of his father could impact our relationship, and because my ex has a daughter and I don't want children. I gave it a shot and Damian took me out for our first date on Valentine's day.  Three weeks after our first date, he asked me to be his girlfriend. Damian and I were really connected. He told me several times that he had never felt this intensely about anyone before, not even about his daughter's mother. I felt the same way about him. Needless to say, our relationship was really great. Because his father was terminally ill, Damian really wanted to introduce me to his dad as soon as possible. He told me it would mean a lot to him if his father got to see him with a woman like me. So, I met his parents after a month of dating. Then, I met his daughter and we had good chemistry, too. Damian often said that my relationship with his daughter was more playful than the one she has with her mother.

Damian's behaviour started to change when his father's health started to deteriorate considerably. He changed his eating/drinking habits drastically. I suspected he was trying to be healthier because his father was dying from cancer. I supported him, but Damian started pressuring me into stopping drinking Coca-Cola. Besides this small annoyance, our relationship continued florishing beautifully. A couple weeks later, we had planned a romantic weekend at his family cottage, when he received saddening news a few hours before our departure. His parents told him his dad was going to receive medical assistance in dying the following week. Damian had no idea his father had taken steps to receive the procedure. He was shocked, but he still wanted to spend the weekend at the cottage with me, so we went. It was the weekend of Father's day, so we returned on Sunday and Damian went to visit his dad. The following week was obviously emotionally overwhelming, and I told my ex to let me know what he needed from me. I wanted to support him the way he needed to. He seemed very appreciative and he grew closer to me. His father passed on June 22. Damian wanted to be alone on that evening, and I respected that. He asked me to spend the weekend at his place, and I accepted. He was needier than usual. Damian constantly told me that he loved me and that I was beautiful on that weekend. He called me wife material and he was extremely affectionate. However, right before I left to go back to my place, he mentioned having to get material to renovate the basement. I knew he had plans to turn his basement into an apartment for his mother after his father's death, but he hadn't talked about it in months. I wasn't sure if it was still happening. I became very anxious and I asked him when she was moving in. He said he didn't know. I left.

I spent the night over to his place a couple days later. In the morning, his mother showed up unannounced to his place, like she often does. When she left, I wanted to talk with Damian about it, because I feel like he has poor boundaries with his mother and I was worried about the amount of privacy we were going to be able to have once his mother's moved in. His mother is very intrusive. She seems very nice at first, but there's something off about her. She facetimes her son 3-4 times a day, everyday. She shows up unannounced 2-3 times a week, even though she currently lives 40 minutes away from him. She took on her son's hobbies so they can spend more time together. She even went as far as borrowing my bathing suit to take a dip in the spa when I wasn't there. When I first met her, she would constantly badmouth Damian's ex girlfriend in front of the whole family. I didn't really feel comfortable around her, because I knew I was in trouble if she didn't like me. When I shared my concerns with Damian, he shut down immediately. He told me his priorities were to be a strong father to his daughter and to take care of his mother, and he broke up with me. He acted like I didn't want him to help his mother, but all I wanted was for him to set some boundaries. The next day, I went over to collect my things at his place. He looked empty. He insisted that we weren't on bad terms and that he wanted to stay in touch. I told him it wasn't an option for me because it would hurt too much. I asked him not to contact me. 

Two days later, I received a text message from him. He said he thought about me constantly and he asked me if he had done a mistake. I replied I couldn't answer that for him. Then, he didn't write back. He later told me that he didn't know what to think and how he felt. He apologized for sending that text message and told me he shouldn't have. On his father's funeral day, I reached out to him to tell him that even though I hadn't showed up, my thoughts were with him and with his family. He replied and told me how the day went. The next day, I was feeling very depressed and I reached out again to tell him that I missed him. He replied he missed me, too. Then, he said he thought a lot about our relationship and he realized we weren't right for each other. He said he had never been in love this intensely with anyone before, but that he couldn't be with me because I was too introverted and shy around other people and because I don't push him enough to be  more active. He said he was scared of getting fat and getting cancer at a young age like his father. I'll be honest, I don't believe in his reasons. Damian isn't really extroverted himself. He only hangs out with his family. I'm pretty sure that the introverted thing comes from his mother, because no matter how good I was to her son, no one will ever be good enough for him in her eyes. I wouldn't be surprised if she badmouthed me. Anyway. I replied to his message stating that I would have been more than willing to do more activities with him and to be more active. I added that the issue would have been resolved had he mentioned it earlier. He never replied to my message. 

I don't know if he's being more active lately, but he's constantly online on Messenger. Moreover, he's showing bizarre behaviour. Very recently, he deleted all his private pictures of his daughter on Facebook. I first thought he might want to protect her identity or something, but his daughter is on his profile picture, which is public. Yesterday, I uploaded a new Facebook profile picture, and he liked it within the first 5 minutes it was up. As you can tell, I am overanalyzing everything he does, but I have to admit that I am worried for his mental health right now. He feels responsible for everyone's well-being right now, but I don't think he's taking care of himself. 

I'm trying hard to focus on myself right now, but it's really difficult. What I find the hardest, like most people on the discussion group, is having an amazing relationship ending so abruptly. It's extremely confusing and heartbreaking. Some days, I feel sad for him because I know he must be hurting, too. Other days, I feel angry at him for tearing such a beautiful thing up and shutting me out. 

 

[kayc]

All of your emotions are valid.  Right now you'll have to act with your brain as your emotions may not be what's best in guiding you.  Love can sway us.

Huge red flags! His mom. His grief obscuring his view. His refusal to compromise. His tendency towards control "in your best interest"...maybe in and of itself is nothing but if it's indicative of things to come (trying to get you to stop drinking coke)... He doesn't know his own mind right now, confusion is common in early grief.  Of all of the threads in this section (and I have read and responded to each) not one couple made it through this time intact, a couple seemed to but they messaged me later and did not.  This is a pattern that is hard to ignore!  This section was actually created for myself and Wendy going through this about 15 years ago.

Your feelings are normal right now, remember, this is a PROCESS and not easy or quick to go through. How I wish people going through this would cut them off on FB and all contact with them as it prolongs their pain and healing, however, that's not usually what happens.  It takes time to realize it for themselves and do it.  I was no exception. (((hugs)))  Keep coming here and venting, we're here to listen and care.

 

[MaryMae]

Thanks Kayc,

I'm not naive, I don't think we'll make it work in the future... I don't think I could trust him to be able to communicate his feelings and his needs. I can't be with someone who shuts me out everytime they're going through something. It just hurts because what we had was truly beautiful even though we hadn't been together for very long. I'm almost thankful our relationship didn't last longer. I used to think things would have been different if we had known each other longer, but some people's relationships here have lasted for years and still ended because of grief. I think my ex is just emotionally immature, unfortunately, and the outcome would have been the same, no matter how long our relationship would have been. Moreover, I know things probably would have came to an end sooner or later because of his mother. She seemed jealous of our relationship and she was always trying to find fault with me in a subtle and manipulative way. For example, when we spent the weekend at his family cottage, she facetimed Damian and asked him what we had for dinner, then she said "Mary cooked this for you?" like I was supposed to cook for her son. Her tone was off. I felt like she was judging me constantly. She even made me feel inappropriate because I don't like coffee. She thought Damian had stopped drinking coffee because I don't drink any, whereas it was her son who was pressuring me to stop drinking Coca-Cola. Sometimes, I felt like she was my boyfirend's wife and I was the other woman. I knew hell would break loose once she had moved into the basement. I'm heartbroken it's over, but I don't regret initiating the conversation about having to set boundaries with his mother. It just couldn't work.

[kayc]

I totally agree with you.  It's sad, it could have worked IF...but that was a big if he didn't want to deal with.

 

[MaryMae]

The hardest thing for me to accept is that it's over even though we're still in love with each other. I never doubted his feelings for me, not even right now. It makes no sense in my mind that we can't make it work. Two people who love each other as much as we do should be together. 

[kayc]

I know, but unless he addresses the issue with his mom, it has zip chance of making it.  Not to mention the grief and his shutting you out.

[MaryMae]

I know... when he told me his mother had financial issues and that she'd be moving in with him, he said it was a temporary thing. However, I don't believe it will be. She was already very possessive of her son before her husband's death. I believe she'll cast Damian as her substitute husband, and she'll take control of the house. His mother already decorated the whole house, and she wasn't living there yet. She would move the furniture around whenever she felt like it, even though Damian was living with the mother of his child. She would get upset if her daughter-in-law rearranged her own furniture. Maybe I'm just trying to feel better, but I don't believe Damian will be able to date someone or have a healthy relationship with anyone as long as he lets his mother run the show.

[kayc]

I think you're right, listen to your gut feeling, I don't think it'll lead you astray.  Think about what you do/don't want for your life...

[MaryMae]

Well it's hard, because I still want him. It's his mother I can't stand, but unfortunately, they come together 😅 I saw some posts on Facebook that made me feel sad today. He's helping his mother sell some of her furniture. I guess she's about to move in real soon. I didn't unfriend him, but I stopped following him so I won't see his stuff come up anymore. 

[kayc]

Baby steps, it's a process.  

[MaryMae]

It really hurt me at first to see his mom's furniture on Marketplace, but it's helping me realize that it's really happening. She's moving in, there's no going back. I know that he truly loved me, but he was always going to prioritize his mother, even when she's unreasonable. I guess the relationship was doomed from the start and I just didn't see it.

He removed our playlist from his YouTube channel yesterday. That really hit me. The breakup feels more real than ever. He still likes my posts and my pictures on Facebook, and I wish he didn't. We haven't talked in 2 weeks and I won't be reaching out, so I don't see the point in reacting to my posts. 

It's hard, and I miss him, but I'm doing a little better. I'm not crying everyday anymore. Today's hard, though. There are so many things I wish I could tell him. I write them down. It helps, but it's not the same.

[kayc]

Little by little you are processing this, I think it helps to come here, even if all we do is listen, it's a place where people get it and hear you.  I know this is a painful process, it's surreal, I know.  Oh how I've been there...bit by bit you are seeing him move forward with his life, and tthat reality will guide you.  In my situation he didn't know his own mind and would say things that emotionally tugged at me but I also could step outside myself and look at it objectively and realize he was really saying blah, blah, blah, without actions all the feelings in the world mean nothing.

[MaryMae]

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In my situation he didn't know his own mind and would say things that emotionally tugged at me but I also could step outside myself and look at it objectively and realize he was really saying blah, blah, blah, without actions all the feelings in the world mean nothing.

It's the same thing im my situation. I don't believe he knows his own mind either. When he broke up with me, he said things that used to haunt me. He said he thought about me constantly, that he missed me so much, that he didn't know if he had made a mistake, that he never felt this intensely in love before... like you say, blah blah blah. He probably meant it, but it doesn't mean anything to me if he won't act on it. The truth is... it didn't have to happen like that, we could have been together and it was HIS decision to end things, not mine. It makes me rather angry now, actually. I think it's selfish to say these things to someone who loves you and who wants to be with you, when you have no intention of making the relationship work. I do have compassion and empathy for him. I'm sure what he's going through is very difficult, but it doesn't change the fact that I have feelings, too. His situation doesn't allow him to mess with my feelings. I do find his way of dealing with things childish and immature. I've been idolizing the relationship because when things were good, it was SO good. Unfortunately, my ex-bf doesn't have what it takes to be a partner when things are rocky. Relationships are made of ups and downs, and I want someone who's able to deal with his own feelings like an adult. The reality is, everyone will lose loved ones at some point. 

I've read that you were able to remain friends with your ex-fiancé. Did you ever fall out of touch at some point? Maybe in the future I'll be open to being friends with my ex, but not right now. I think it'll take a lot of time before I'm willing to let him into my life again. 

[kayc]

15 hours ago, MaryMae said:

He probably meant it, but it doesn't mean anything to me if he won't act on it.

Exactly.  

 

15 hours ago, MaryMae said:

Did you ever fall out of touch at some point?

Haha, last August his exwife dropped that they'd be celebrating their 50th in September!  WHAT???!!  He'd told me they'd been married 30 years, divorced two when I met him! He proposed to me! We'd got to premarital counseling! When he went into the hospital with CHF his daughter called and said I was the only one he was asking for!  I didn't talk to him until October, I felt so betrayed! EVERYONE in his life, neighbors, colleagues, friends, roommate, adult children and grandchildren, ALL of them were complicit in this lie!  Not one told me he was married!  I was shocked, I'm still shaking my head over that one. We were together June 09-August 10, friends since, do the math, that's insane! So when I confronted him about his telling me he was divorced, he said, "all but the paperwork." Wow. Even with Asperger's, that's way crossing a boundary.

[kayc]

16 hours ago, MaryMae said:

I think it'll take a lot of time before I'm willing to let him into my life again. 

I think you have to so you can heal and glean some perspective.  In time I think you'll have a different view once your brain is in charge instead of your heart, it takes a while.

[MaryMae]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

Haha, last August his exwife dropped that they'd be celebrating their 50th in September!

Wait, what? Did he go back to his exwife after he broke your engagement? Isn't it illegal to marry someone while you're still married to someone else? He proposed anyway, wow! He would have been forced to tell you at some point, but he didn't seem like he was going to. Like you said, he really crossed a boundary there. 

This morning, my mother sent me an article from a psychology website that describes perfectly the relationship my ex has with his mother. It goes like this:

 

Don't confuse complicity with fusion

These toxic, fusional mothers take up all the space. They can't stand the idea of anyone else being around their child, they're sickly jealous, what's theirs is theirs and no one else's, and they consider their child to be theirs alone. So, in order to leave no room for anyone else, they try to play all the roles: confidante, friend, housekeeper, baby-sitter for the grandchildren, cook... It's not uncommon to hear "She's my mother, but also my best friend" - the mother is no longer confined to her role as mother. The son tells her everything, from his joys to his sorrows, including, of course, his love life. The mother shares everything, absolutely everything. Mother and son phone and text each other dozens of times a day, pushing all other people into the background, often even the son's wife, creating tension within the couple, much to the mother's delight.

This fusion confuses the two individuals to the point of becoming one and the same person. The son doesn't even realize that he no longer has free will, that his judgments are in fact those of his mother, that his tastes are largely influenced by those of his mother, that little by little her mother integrates and absorbs his to the point of leaving his with nothing of his own.

[kayc]

I mean January, no matter, what's the difference?

3 hours ago, MaryMae said:

hese toxic, fusional mothers take up all the space. They can't stand the idea of anyone else being around their child, they're sickly jealous, what's theirs is theirs and no one else's, and they consider their child to be theirs alone...

Yes, keep this in mind when you're missing him.

I imagine Jim would have broken up with me regardless unless he opted to get a very quick divorce...did he not know I would have found out?  It's on  the marriage license application...

[MaryMae]

I was just wondering if your ex fiancé rekindled his relationship with his ex-wife after he broke your engagement. The month doesn't matter.

I asked because I wouldn't be surprised if my ex went back to his ex-girlfriend eventually, even though he described her as being manipulative and abusive. She's probably more familiar to him than I am. Also, she's a lot like his mom.

I'll picture his mother wearing my bathing suit when I miss him 😅

[kayc]

In a few years he let her move back in, said she would have been homeless. They aren't romantic or sexual, but do everything together, crabbing, races, family stuff.  Familiarity spoke for him too.

11 hours ago, MaryMae said:

I'll picture his mother wearing my bathing suit when I miss him 😅

[MaryMae]

Wow kayc! I don't mean to judge, but what a bizarre situation! Would you say that Jim had poor boundaries in general? It seems like he could. 

Damian definitely has boundaries issues. His mother, his daughter and his ex-girlfriend can demand anything from him and he'll always bend backwards to please them. He also crosses other people's boundaries easily, mine as a matter of fact. He broke up with me and contacted me 2 days after, even though I had clearly asked him not to. 

I may be wrong, but I feel like people who have poor boundaries tend to get themselves involved into bizarre situations, like Jim and Damian. His daughter's mother was initially dating Damian's high school best friend, Mark. She would tell Damian that Mark was abusive and violent towards her. Then, she got with Damian. Their relationship lasted around 8 years and ended when Damian caught her cheating with their neighbor. Apparently, she was telling the whole neighborhood that Damian was abusive and violent... She moved out and she's now dating Mark again! The whole thing is just insane, but in my opinion,  Damian really crossed a boundary when he started dating his best friend's girlfriend. The funny part is he still believes Mark was abusive, even after she spread the same rumors about him! He's so gullible, no wonder why he doesn't see how manipulative his mother is.

[kayc]

In light of learning Jim was married all this time, yes, I'd have to say he has boundary issues...he always seemed so nice!

[MaryMae]

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On 7/31/2023 at 6:15 AM, kayc said:

he always seemed so nice!

I'm sure he was! That's the same for Damian... I think he has poor boundaries because he's trying to be nice to everybody.

So... a little update. Yesterday evening, Damian texted me out of the blue. We hadn't been talking for almost a month. He randomly sent me a video of a YouTube video we used to watch together and make fun of when we were a couple, and nothing else. He basically filmed his TV and sent me the video. Then, we had a very short conversation, mostly about his dad and his grief, nothing about us. He asked how's my dog and sent me a picture of his. He seemed pretty emotional.

I don't really know what to do. Damian doesn't have many friends he can reach out to, and his whole family is also grieving. Moreover, his mother and his sister don't have the emotional maturity to support him. Damian's their support. I feel sad that he doesn't have a great support system around him, and it might sound selfish of me, but I don't want to become his emotional crutch right now. If we were together, I'd offer him all of my support, but I'm still hurting from the breakup and I feel like maybe I should prioritize myself. It just makes me feel so selfish... I don't know what to do if he reaches out again.

 

[MartyT]

8 hours ago, MaryMae said:

I feel sad that he doesn't have a great support system around him, and it might sound selfish of me, but I don't want to become his emotional crutch right now. If we were together, I'd offer him all of my support, but I'm still hurting from the breakup and I feel like maybe I should prioritize myself.

I once heard a radio therapist say this to a caller: "You were not put on this earth to be your partner's therapist, and he was not put here to be yours." Clearly this man has needs that go way beyond your ability to fix, and his lack of a "great support system" is not your problem.

Your first obligation is to take care of YOU ~ and that is not being selfish. Yes, you are still hurting from the breakup, and yes, you should be putting your own needs first. There is nothing selfish about that. Be strong, and continue using your own common sense and good judgment here. ❤️

[MartyT]

You might find this article helpful: Your Partner Is Not Your Therapist

[kayc]

Personally I think it's time to block him.  How can you be a friend to someone like this:

On 8/13/2023 at 11:12 AM, MaryMae said:

He randomly sent me a video of a YouTube video we used to watch together and make fun of when we were a couple, and nothing else.

No, that says a lot about him, grief or not.  
Who does that!  You do you and let him do him.