My boyfriend broke up with me after his father's death and he's having his mother move in with him

[MartyT]

I hope you will bear in mind that feelings are not facts. Feeling stupid, used and humiliated does not mean that you are, in fact, all those awful things. Feelings are neither right or wrong, good or bad. They just are. We can't always control what we are feeling ~ but we most certainly can control what we DO with what we are feeling. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling ~ but also let the feelings see the light of day; share them with trusted others (as you will find right here) so you can examine them more objectively ~ then without judgment, allow yourself to let them go. What really matters is how you behave and how you act in the face of your feelings. You've used your own common sense in this most difficult situation. Tune into the more positive feelings that you certainly deserve ~ feelings like pride, self-esteem, self-worth, self-preservation, positive regard for yourself, and confidence in knowing what you deserve, what is true and what is best for YOU. ❤️

[kayc]

14 hours ago, MaryMae said:

I feel stupid for falling in love with his fake persona and for getting this invested, whereas he was using me as a distraction. I feel used and humiliated. 

I felt this way to the umpteenth degree when mourning the loss of my husband, I was steeped in grief fog and ended up married to con John (as I've dubbed him), I thought of all the people in the world I was the one duped by him!  Still paying for years later, I didn't have $ but he used my credit to the tune of $57,000, it'll be three times that by the time I get" it paid back.  I remember seeing a Dr Phil show years ago about a lady who got scammed by someone...he told her "It's on him, not you.  YOU think like a normal person, not him.

I love that!  I've told myself that many times.  I've shared my story to warn people away from getting involved too soon.  Not everyone's story ends that way, but mine did, he never even lived with me.  He wasn't even my type of person. But grief fog is real.  It''s humiliating, horribly, but still, if I can help one person avoid my situation...

You may not be going through grief fog but all the same, YOU think like a normal person...not him.  It's HIS to carry, don't take any of that on.  (((hugs)))

[MaryMae]

Thank you so much kayc for sharing that. I'm so sorry it happened to you. No one deserves to be used like that. 

I'm also angry at myself for overlooking the early red flags. We first met on Valentine's Day. When he asked me out at first, I said no because I had just seen the posts from the girl he just had stopped seeing, but that he had never mentioned. The pattern was right there and I saw it. He had seen her right after his long-term girlfriend cheated on him, and he was trying to date me right after he ended things with her. I didn't follow my intuition because talking to him felt really good and the chemistry was insane. The writing was on the wall, I saw it and I chose to ignore it. I trusted a man's words more than my own judgement and I'm disappointed in myself. 

1 hour ago, kayc said:

I've shared my story to warn people away from getting involved too soon. 

That's awesome that you're doing that, thank you. You've just made me realize that in a sense, Damian is also a con artist. He's not doing it to get money, but he created this very charismatic and attractive version of himself to get love, validation and sex. He moves really fast, so you're completely hooked before you truly get to know him. And when you do and you start to see the cracks in his personality, he disposes of you and moves on to the next person he can fool. 

I was the one who wanted to take things slowly in our relationship, he would try to pressure me and rush me into the next stage. He would say things like "Am I the only one who feels it?" and that he never felt this way for anyone before. We were intimate on the 4th date, 2 weeks after our first date and he acted like I made him wait for a very long time... He asked me to be his girlfriend 3 weeks after we first met. I remember feeling it was too fast, but I went with it because he seemed so sure we were right for each other. I definitely let myself get rushed into a relationship. He always wanted to picture himself as this grandiose and talented person, and when I started seeing the imperfections and asking him about them, he didn't want to talk about it. 

I guess that's why I'm left feeling so confused, I think I fell in love with a con artist and I was gaslighted big time. 

[MaryMae]

16 hours ago, MartyT said:

Tune into the more positive feelings that you certainly deserve ~ feelings like pride, self-esteem, self-worth, self-preservation, positive regard for yourself, and confidence in knowing what you deserve, what is true and what is best for YOU.

Thanks Marty! Knowing my worth and setting healthy boundaries is really something I struggle with. My father has narcissistic tendencies and I was devalued my whole life. I was in an abusive relationship from 2015 to 2019 with a man who was identical to my father. When it ended, I was left with no self-esteem and I had completely lost myself and my dignity. It took me 2 years to heal myself and to get back to a good place. When I met Damian, I was feeling great about myself. Now, not so much.

Of course, I can't say that Damian is a full blown grandiose narcissist for I was with him only 5 months, but reflecting on our relationship, I can see that he definitely has some personality traits.

He's self-centered; he would make life-changing decisions without even talking about it with me, and he expected me to adapt to his lifestyle and go with his decisions.

He's very arrogant and lacks empathy; I once explained him that I felt unimportant when he canceled plans with me last minute without any real explanation. He ridiculed me and said "Wow, your life must be very easy if this is such a big issue for you." Moreover, when I told him I was anxious about his mother moving in, he belittled me and said he had more life experience than I did because he had owned 3 houses already and that I was living in my parents' basement, so we were in different places in life. As if we were incompatible because I had never owned a house before, and that made me inferior to him.

I once caught him gaslighting me. He had been distant all week and when I asked him if he was doing okay, he played it like everything was normal and tried to blame it on my anxiety and make me feel silly for asking. He later admitted to feeling depressed about his father's health, but didn't want to talk about it. I held him accountable and told him he tried to make me feel like my anxiety was the problem and that I was wrong, when I was actually right. I told him he had gaslighted me and that it was psychological abuse because he made me doubt my own reality. He didn't like it, understandably. 

When a conversation didn't go his way, he would just stonewall and ignore me. I would lose sleep over it. 

He needs constant admiration. His mother put him on a pedestal and he thinks he's God's gift. He constantly brags about and embellishes his achievements, while blaming others for his failures. He lied about his career as a flight engineer and about his financial situation. When I addressed those, he simply said he didn't want to talk about it. He only said that he had quit going to work at the military gym because it was a waste of his time. I guess it wasn't glamour enough for him. He wanted to focus on his knife/fur company from which he makes prettly much no money. Apparently, it's his calling because he's so much more talented than everyone else, but he barely makes any sale.

Finally, he seeks validation constantly from dating many different girls. I feel like our relationship followed the classic trajectory of a narcissistic relationship. He first love-bombed me to hook me up. He wanted to send flowers to my workplace after 2 dates only. I thought it was a little creepy. Then, he devalued and discarded me when the mask was starting to slip. I thought he was messaging me songs we liked and pictures of his dog because he still loved me, but now I think he was just keeping me on the back burner in case he changed his mind and wanted to come back. He was talking to multiple girls at the same time, just like my other ex did. Those men want to be admired constantly and jump from a relationship to the next. 

I guess that's why this relationship was so confusing and triggering to me. It reminded me so much of my previous relationship, it somewhat felt like home. I have done a lot of work on myself, but I'm staring to consider therapy. I definitely have a pattern of dating men who don't consider my needs and to whom I'm trying to prove my worth. Just like my dad.

[MartyT]

You have a lot of self-awareness, MaryMae, and I think you would do well to find a therapist who can help you better understand and work through these various issues. Think of it as a gift you can give yourself! Good therapy can be life-changing ~ for the better! You are worth it, and you deserve it! I wish you nothing but the very best! ❤️

[kayc]

Wow, that's interesting, John and his father were both definitely Narcisstic.  I have an ebook Malignant Self Love, I'll see I can send it to you in messaging.

[MaryMae]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

I have an ebook Malignant Self Love, I'll see I can send it to you in messaging.

I'd love that. I feel like I made no progress and I'm back in 2019 when I got discarded by my first narcissistic boyfriend. It's an awful feeling. I had healed from that and now I have to start all over again. 

 

5 hours ago, kayc said:

John and his father were both definitely Narcisstic. 

I'm sorry. It's really the worst type of abuse. They make you feel mentally insane. I definitely suspected Damian's mother to be narcissistic, as she treated him as his golden child and she was very grandiose and entitled, but now I can see that he inherited many traits from her. I feel dumb for getting caught up in a narcissistic relationship again... 

[kayc]

Not dumb.  Remember what Dr Phil said, you don't think like them, you are normal.  It's on them!

[MaryMae]

I keep telling myself "What he did to you isn't the reflection of your worth, it's the reflection of who he truly is." Hopefully, I'll start to believe it soon enough. I know I was a kind, selfless and loving girlfriend to him. It sucks to be taken advantage of like that.

[kayc]

10 hours ago, MaryMae said:

"What he did to you isn't the reflection of your worth, it's the reflection of who he truly is."

Absolutely!  Repeat that to yourself like a mantra!

[MaryMae]

Damian's new relationship is already over. They both uploaded a new profile picture and deleted all of their couple photos... they were not even up for a week. She really dodged a bullet there. I'm relieved for her. I'm also very thankful that this whole situation happened, as weird as it sounds. I was able to see his true colors, and now he won't be able to breadcrumb me by sending random songs and random pictures to keep me hooked in case he wants to come back. I thought he was confused and still loved me, now I know he was manipulative and selfish. It hurts, I'm not going to lie. I feel used and humiliated, but at least I don't feel crazy anymore. I used to think it didn't make sense he broke up with me if he loved me as much as he said he did. Now I know he didn't, only I did.

I know it's going to hurt a little longer, but it's okay. At least I can move forward now instead of being stuck in confusion. 

[MaryMae]

Today's been hard. Damian's deleted all of his social media accounts yesterday, including his Instagram account that he uses to promote his company. I feel kinda bad for him. He must be in a very bad place right now. Not only did his new relationship just failed and all of his Facebook friends witnessed it, but he simultaneously failed at taking on a new job, which was also very public on social media, on top of grieving his father's death. 

I'm quite amazed that I'm feeling worried for him after everything that happened. I almost wrote him to offer him my friendship today. Instead, I was able to focus on myself and complete a few therapeutic activities in my workbook. It helped, but I'm still feeling overwhelmed. 

[MartyT]

3 hours ago, MaryMae said:

I almost wrote him to offer him my friendship today. Instead, I was able to focus on myself and complete a few therapeutic activities in my workbook.

Good for you!