My boyfriend broke up with me after his father's death and he's having his mother move in with him

[MaryMae]

Thank you Marty and Kayc.

I finally unfriended him on Facebook yesterday. He's had his account for several years and he's never posted anything on it, like ever. Yesterday, he wrote his first post, about the new car his mother bought. It had to be about her. It made me angry and disgusted. It reminded me of how he chose her over me, because she supposedly had financial problems and he had to help her out. It also reminded me of what he said, that he couldn't be with me because I was too introverted around other people (his mother). I cried for a while in the shower, then decided I had to do something different to feel better, so I unfriended him. I hadn't before because I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but I decided it was time to stop putting his feelings before my own. He didn't choose me, so it was time to choose myself. And I did. And it was so hard, I cried for a long time afterwards. I just hope it'll help me feel better soon.

[MartyT]

Good for you, MaryMae! Good for you! ❤️

[MaryMae]

I'm so angry. I just woke up and realized he had sent me a picture on Messenger at 11 pm yesterday. A picture of his dog (that I miss so much) in bed. This is just cruel. I don't know why he's doing this. I guess unfriending him wasn't enough. I'll have to block him. What the hell? Who does something like this?

[MaryMae]

Little update, I asked him if there was something he wanted to tell me, because one might argue that when your ex sends you a picture of their dog in bed at 11 pm after you've unfriended them, it might means something else (I don't know, it felt a little too intimate. He wasn't in the picture, only his bare shoulder, but still. Maybe I'm a prude, but it feels inappropriate to me to send pictures of your naked shoulder and your dog in bed at night to your ex). He hadn't realized I had unfriended him 🤦‍♀️ It seems like he's from a different planet. He said he just wanted to send me a picture from his dog from time to time, and he acted surprised that I had unfriended him. I said I had done it for myself because I still had feelings for him and being friends on Facebook wasn't helping. He left me on read. I thought he would show a little decency and would say something empathic like "I understand." You know, the bare minimum. Nope. Nothing at all. I guess I have closure now. 

[kayc]

@MaryMae  I am so sorry, this wasn't showing up until now...I am so proud of you for blocking/unfriending him!  Maybe that was what you needed to see his lack of empathy or cluelessness.  You do for YOU and let him do him!

[MaryMae]

On 9/8/2023 at 9:12 AM, kayc said:

I am so sorry, this wasn't showing up until now...

Don't worry about it! I'm just very thankful I can vent over here. Not many people can understand what I'm going through; breakups usually don't happen the way they happen on here. I'm still trying to make sense of it, even after 2 months. I think about it a lot.. I've tried to identify what I said or did that caused this... but I can't think of anything. Unless I'm completely delusional, I feel like I was a really good girlfriend to him. I treated him with love and respect, I took care of his daughter and she loved me, I was good to his dog and got her treats all the time, I didn't any create drama with the mother of his child, I was nice and respectful to his family... The relationship was doing well, my ex and I were really happy, and then it just stopped. Out of nowhere. It's very upsetting. Since then his behavior has been so erratic. I'm glad I unfriended him, but I still miss him so much. I wish I could just be mad at him and that my feelings for him would go away. 

[kayc]

10 hours ago, MaryMae said:

I've tried to identify what I said or did that caused this...

You didn't.  A certain % of people break up when grieving, they can't handle relationship AND grief.  It  has nothing to do with you.  It AFFECTS you though, and that is what is so hard.  You get the fallout from his father's death.   Nothing fair about it.

10 hours ago, MaryMae said:

I wish I could just be mad at him and that my feelings for him would go away. 

It would make it easier, wouldn't it.  As hard as it is, we realize they are clueless about how/why they are being like they are.  But try to let go as much as you can, continue to do you, let him do him, that's what his choice/decision/action dictates.  I know, nothing easy about this.

[MaryMae]

9 hours ago, kayc said:

A certain % of people break up when grieving, they can't handle relationship AND grief. 

I understand, the thing is, I'm not even sure grief is the real reason he broke up with me. I believe the unhealthy relationship he has with his mother is. She's his top priority, even before his daughter it seems. Before I unfriended him, I saw he was selling his daughter's furniture and toys from her play room in the basement, where his mother now lives. In the ad description he wrote "I need room". They were things she still played with. It felt like he's putting his mother's needs before his own daughter's.

Also, I wouldn't be surprised if he was struggling with the breakup, too. Sending me meaningful songs and intimate pictures late at night indicates that he's still thinking about me. I never thought he really wanted to break up. I'm sure like he felt he had no other option because he felt like he had to take care of his mother and he knew we wouldn't get along. She's crazy and he doesn't see it. I know for a fact that he felt responsible for her. Of course, I'm just assuming everything else, but this is what I believe happened. Grief may be a part of it, but I think his never-ending devotion to his mother and to her needs is the real problem. 

[MartyT]

5 hours ago, MaryMae said:

Grief may be a part of it, but I think his never-ending devotion to his mother and to her needs is the real problem. 

I agree, MaryMae. The real problem here is the unhealthy attachment between this man and his mother. He is putting his mother's needs ahead of his own ~ and most certainly ahead of yours. Nothing you can say or do will change that. This is something that only he can change, and only if he wants to do so. 

Be grateful that you have enough sense to recognize the giant red flag that is warning you to walk away from this. Listen to your own good instincts, and give yourself permission to mourn what YOU have lost.

[kayc]

I agree with Marty on this one, I think you dodged a bullet!  I also kind of wonder if many of them that suddenly broke up due to grief had underlying issues that they had not perhaps expressed.

[MaryMae]

On 9/13/2023 at 7:28 AM, kayc said:

I also kind of wonder if many of them that suddenly broke up due to grief had underlying issues that they had not perhaps expressed.

I'm not sure I understand. Do you mean those who would break up after experiencing loss would kind of use it as a way out because the relationship that had other issues they hadn't expressed? It may be possible, but I really don't think that's what happened in my situation. My ex was expressing how happy he was with the direction our relationship was taking and how much he loved me all the time. He looked deeply into my eyes and told me he was in love with me 48 hours before breaking up with me. He even said he was going to marry me that same day. The fact that the only reasons he could find to pretend our relationship wasn't working were that I'm too introverted around his family and that I didn't push him enough to be active shows me that our relationship had very few "real" issues. It is true however that my ex was terrible at having hard conversations. Communicating wasn't his strong suit at all. He would just shut down. 

Like I said, I'm not sure anymore his grief was the main reason why he ended our relationship. I think he's somewhat immature, and he chose to push me away instead of confronting his toxic mother. Had his mother not moved in with him, I don't think he would have broken up with me.

[kayc]

No but perhaps had an unexpressed doubt or something.  Mine did the same.  I wonder how many of them don't express these doubts to ud, all we know is what we're told but sometimes you wonder, the way this was clear out of the blue.

[MaryMae]

I can't speak for every situation, but in my case it's really something I wonder about. I'm sure my ex was all-in, but I also believe he's immature and has poor boundaries. I don't think he ever doubted our relationship before his mother expressed her doubts about me. He relies on his mother's opinion too much in general, not only for his romantic relationship. He has to find his own sense of identity before he can stand for himself and make his own decision.

[kayc]

All true...

[MaryMae]

Overthinking everything is so exhausting 😅

[kayc]

Get him out of your mind and thus world.  As long as he is in it, he is still there affecting you and your life.  
1) Block him on social media, phone, email, etc.

2) Occupy your time with things more worthy to engage in...go on nature walks, strike up friendship with those in tune with your insterests, join something of interest, go with a friend to a museum, engage in theatre, birdwatching, nature, etc.k

3) Volunteer at your senior site, walk dogs, etc.

In time you will build friendships and a life apart from him and his mother.  Because you can't include one without the other, you know.

 

[MaryMae]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

Get him out of your mind and thus world. 

Easier said than done 😅

I'm doing better since I got back to work. I'm a teacher, so I had a lot of free time this summer to obsess over the breakup... I'm busy, but I still miss him when I go to bed at night and when I wake up in the morning. 

4 hours ago, kayc said:

In time you will build friendships and a life apart from him and his mother.  Because you can't include one without the other, you know.

Oh, I know! 😅 He recently started a new job and created a professional Facebook page... his mother is the only person who liked his profile picture 😂

Mommy's his #1 fan

[kayc]

At least your days are occupied with being a teacher.  Seriously, it'd help if you'd get out and develop new contacts...

[MaryMae]

I just learned today that Damian has a new girlfriend. I wasn't looking at his social media or anything, but he appeared online on Messenger and I noticed he had uploaded a new profile picture. Of course I looked it up... Apparently, they've been seeing each other for a month, which means that he was talking to her when he sent me a picture of his dog late at night in bed in early September. I feel so stupid for feeling so devastated while he's over there, in a new relationship already. I feel dumb for believing him when he'd say he never loved someone so deeply, kissed someone this much and been so physically affectionate before. Only 2 months after breaking up with me, he's starting over with someone else. I feel so foolish for feeling heartbroken over him still. When we talked about why I unfriended him, I revealed I had done it for myself because I still had feelings for him. He could've told me then that he was seeing someone. Instead, he chose to ignore me and leave me on read. This is so inconsiderate and disrespectful. 

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry, MaryMae. Still, I hope this disappointing news will convince you that, in the end, you are better without this man. (I wonder how long it will be before his mother finds a way to get rid of this new person in her son's life.)

Thinking of you ❤️

[kayc]

Yes it is disrespectful, but the important thing is you've learned in this and will heal.  Hey, at least he didn't keep being MARRIED from you for 13+ years as my fiance turned friend did!n  Wow, is it any wonder I don't date.  You'll be okay, I promise you.  Right now it sucks though.  Buy a punching bag!  I did that years ago and it helped.  No strength now.

[MaryMae]

9 hours ago, MartyT said:

(I wonder how long it will be before his mother finds a way to get rid of this new person in her son's life.)

Probably not that long. She usually likes and comments every one of his posts and pictures on Facebook. She surely didn't like that one!

I know I'm better without him, but for some reasons, it still hurts. I was completely blindsided. I was really convinced that the relationship was going great because that's the picture he was painting until the day he broke up with me.

I'm starting to realize how unhealthy he is emotionally. His long-term girlfriend, who's also the mother of his daughter cheated on him a year ago. She hadn't even moved out of the house when he started seeing someone else. When I met him in February of this year,  he told me he had been single for 4 months and never mentioned the girl he dated right after his ex. I found out when I saw Facebook posts of hers. When I confronted him about it, he said it wasn't serious and that's why he hadn't mentioned her. They had spent Christmas with his family at his family cottage! He was with her until late January. He had just broken things off with her when he matched with me on Tinder. And now he's dating someone new already, and putting her as his Facebook profile picture. I don't think it's very healthy to rush into a relationship and post them on social media only one month in. They don't even know each other, really. I didn't even know who he truly was after 5 months. So yeah, she's his 4th girlfriend in a year. I think he uses women as a distraction and rushes into relationships in an unhealthy way to tolerate the feelings he can't process. The new girlfriend also put a picture of them as her profile picture and I don't mean to be petty, but she looks way more into it than he does. He's stiff and has an awkward body language in both photos. He has a fake smile on that doesn't reach his eyes. He looks like he's putting on a show, and he probably is. He probably was in our relationship, too. I'm not sure he's capable of real love at this point. I feel foolish for thinking it was the real deal.

1 hour ago, kayc said:

Hey, at least he didn't keep being MARRIED from you for 13+ years as my fiance turned friend did!

I understand, but it still hurts. He still hid things from me, and I don't know if I had been willing to date him had he been honest from the start. I feel violated and betrayed in a sense. I thought I was falling in love with someone, but I was actually in a relationship with someone totally different. He presented himself as this mature and well established man who was emotionally available, but I was actually dating a man on the verge of losing his house who just multiplies relationships. His Tinder profile stated he was a flight engineer, but he was actually distributing workout equipment at the gym on the military base when I met him. Not exactly the same. He hadn't been working as a flight engineer for over a year because of an injury. I don't care about money, I make my own, but I felt deceived because he hadn't been truly honest about his career. He left his gym job when we were together and never mentioned it, I figured it out and asked him. He had no job. This wasn't what I had signed up for, as I'm sure it wasn't what you had signed up with Jim either.

I think my issue is I struggle separating the fake person I fell in love with from the real person that he is. I still love and miss the version of him he created. I feel crazy.

[kayc]

7 hours ago, MaryMae said:

for some reasons, it still hurts.

Of course you are, just because we break up and one moves on, the other was emotionally vested and it can hurt for quite a while.  Knowing you're better off w/o him may help you get over him, but it still takes a while.

[kayc]

I didn't mean to imply it wouldn't hurt just because he wasn't married, just stating that I understand, and scoundrels are scoundrels no matter HOW they do it.  I'm sorry.

[MaryMae]

I feel stupid for falling in love with his fake persona and for getting this invested, whereas he was using me as a distraction. I feel used and humiliated.