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Getting Off A Mark


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Up and down and up and down. 14 months since my father and close friend passed and ...any advice for moving forward. Yes, I have made progress but I seem to be looking for an advance. Something to guide me through this growth period and if it is even right in front of me, I feel I wouldn't see it. Went through grief counsleing with a wonerful guide and she thinks that I was knocked off center by this death and need to regain my balance. I have always felt things deeply. My Dr. thinks I am "normal" but suggested Prozac. Seems to help but I HATE taking this stuff and want to move forward. I have received some excellent thoughts through this posting board and wanted to see if anyone could lend their expereince. I want to turn this corner and am trying many things, but up and down and up and down. Life is too short to miss stuff and my head is...somewhere else.

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Hi i am sorry for your losses. mine is just recent my mom passed on 7/03/06 amd this has been the worst time of my life. each day i pray will be better. i come here alot to read others stories and that helps. i am in therapy and started some meds for anxiety i to hate taking them. they do help me think rationally otherwise i get so low. i am also going to talk to the dr. about a antidepressant b/c sometimes the lows get way to low and i can't function, my mind races. i am dealing with some guilt and that is what is eating me up inside. i go to therapy once a week. i have a wonderful husband and two little boys who i know need me. i go on for them. i also try to think that my mom would not want me to be like this. i can't tell you its easy i am hoping that like people say time makes it easier. i am afraid to take meds b/c i am afraid that i won't be able to get off them but i have to accept the fact they i may need some help. sometimes that is a hard thing to accept. i am trying my best and i quess thats all we can all do. Do you have a good support system? My siblings do not speak to me so that makes my grief harded since i am dealing with the loss of my mom and the loss of them ( if though they were never really around). keeping on going , get the help you need and talk alot . this seems to be a good place to come, i just started but i come everyday and it helps to know that what you feel is normal.

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Charlie 1,

Well, to be frank, were I not currently in anticipatory grief and being a primary caregiver myself ( after the loss 2.5 yrs. ago now of my Mum and oldest brother ), I would have already been returning to some of my 'former' passions in life.....like dance, nature hikes, helping animals, learning more energy work, etc, etc.....just to 'get the blood flowing' again, so to speak. I believe these passions will, at some point in the future, be my saving grace. The only reason I'm not able to do most of them right now is because I'm too involved in being a caregiver, but I do still do what little I can with them from home. And if I had no such previous passions, I'd be on the lookout for new ones, things that might send me into the 'zone' w/o me even having to try very hard to get interested and involved in. For example, I've considered it a real mark of progress whenever I start movin' and shakin' to music my soul seems to NEED to dance to....even if I don't actually get up out of my chair. It's a sign that I want to start living again. And if I could ACT on that, I sure would follow my bliss to the nines!

And as I've said already many times here and elsewhere, if you don't WANT to take drugs.....just say "no!" ;) It strikes me as such a sad testament to the state and attitude in so-called 'health' care these days....if your doc thinks you're "normal" and are just grieving naturally, why would you need a drug? If you hate them, try valerian, or St. John's Wort, or green tea, or any other number of natural and much safer and cheaper substances from Mother Nature's 'Pharmacy' to give you more of a sense of calm, or whatever you need to keep taking one, little step at a time. Even plain, old exercise ( of a type that you actually LIKE! ) increases serotonin levels in the brain, helping to increase those natural feelings of happiness. There's a plethora of different methods and substances readily available, but it's up to us as conscious consumers and grievers to find out for ourselves what's out there. In my opinion, when in grief, the health food store should be one of our first stops! Everybody keeps saying they don't like drugs, don't want to take them, but then they do anyway. We're not even listening to ourselves, our own inner voices. I just don't get it....

At 14 months, you're not 'done' with grieving, but the fact that you WANT to progress some more is enough to tell me you can and will, if you keep working on it. THAT'S your inner voice, your life-force, waking you up in little increments. If you honour yourself by listening to yourself you will get to where you want to be. For an extra 'boost', you might ask your counselor to list the ways she thinks you've progressed ( I had to do this, too ), or sit down and write it out yourself if you can see a few ways. This will give you more encouragement and trust in yourself to keep going.

Hope some of this helps and best of luck always!

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It has been my experience with the antidepressants, that do help, as far as becoming addicted to them I wouldn't worry about it too much. The doctors who prescribe these will also give you a plan for getting off of them. You cannot just stop taking them, they can mess you up if you do. When ready to stop taking them the doctor will gradualy have you start taking less and less, this is about a 3 week process. The other thing to consider is that herbal drugs are good, but consult someone who knows a lot about them. My step mother was looking into some and found out that some of them could have severe reactions to some of the other medications she was using. My experiece is that the antidepresants don't help me to grieve, I don't need help with that, but I do need help with being able to function in a day to day capacity. I still have the lows, but they help to make the lows not so low and allow me to work at the same time allow me to feel my feeling and to grieve.

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I have to agree wit Maylissa with not needing a drug to cope with our sadness and hurt, and pain, but to deal with it in our self with a little help or a lot from our family (if any) and friends. I don't think that just cause someone is hurting (man am I hurting I am so numb) that the answer is medicine. Yes they have to make a living but we have a life to lead and naturally would be nice. I am not against medicine in anyway but, if only that is the last resort than so be it but not right off the bat. Maybe just having an ear that can listen a shoulder to lean on and a huge hug would help just as much and if not better. I have to say that me coming to this site has helpped me so much I get to vent and cry and lean on you all and that helps I wish I had someone close to me that I could trust and beable to be face to face but you guys are great and I look forward to coming here everyday as much as possible its like we all connect in a family like way to help each other out. I know that it is not the only answer but like I have learned from everybody here it helps alot. I also know that some of us does need that extra boost that medicine give you but try to make that your last resort.

Thanks

Haley

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Just to clarify my opinion on prescription drugs:

If someone wants them, fine, that's their choice. I only offer other ways and means when someone says they're not comfortable with them, but seem to feel there aren't, or aren't provided with other, healthier options. Derek makes a good point about speaking with someone who, ideally, is a certified herbalist ( because your regular docs won't generally know anyway, although some herbs ARE listed in their Physician's Desk Reference ), just as you would consult with a surgeon if you had to have your arm amputated. However, there are also far more known and harmful interactions between drugs and drugs, drugs and foods, and drugs and herbs, than herbs with other substances. ( many drugs today originally came from specific components in herbs, but they isolated one or two substances and added other things and often don't work as well as the original natural substance because of that isolation )And most herbs don't kill people, but many drugs do, so there is much less to fear with most herbs AND other supplements than from drugs. Checking for possible interactions is just a common sense thing to do before you put anything in your body...although most folks don't even think about all the harmful foods they eat as a matter of course, either. Just as with drugs, there are usually a number of different substances as alternatives if you can't, for any reason, use one or another.

I'm simply happy to provide other options when someone seems to want to know more, as statistics ( and personal stories ) bear out the dangers of so many drugs, and especially some of the most commonly-prescribed antidepressants, which can and have caused suicides, among other bad side-effects, which I find terribly tragic. This is a purely personal choice though, and each to his own good judgement. This is also not to say that anyone may not really need something to aid them in their grief, because many of us do and there's nothing wrong with that, but only that there are a wealth of other substances and methodologies available, besides drugs. But yes, watch what you want to mix ( also according to any current health problems you may have, as even some plain old vitamins either don't go with, or the dosage may have to be different with certain health conditions ) and talk to a professional in that particular field whenever you can. Some places even have free health lines where you can get nursing staff to look up interactions for you and they phone you back with the results...check your Yellow Pages for this. Even simpler, you could try yoga, breathing exercises, meditation, Tai Chi or other such forms that have been proven to have demonstrable good effects.

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Hi all,

I too had to take antidepressants (for anxiety attacks) after my dad died. I also don't like taking medications, but when it comes down to be able to function or not, you sometimes have no choice. I had too many people and animals counting on me. I like natural products best too, but when you are severly depressed or having extreme anxiety attacks, I found the natural stuff just doesn't cut it. I think a lot of people don't understand full blown anxiety attacks. Everyone has been anxious and so they feel they know about it, but severe anxiety attacks are a whole other ball of wax. As one person described it, it's like being strapped in a car, unable to escape, and heading straight for a mountain at 100 miles an hour. That, for me, was pretty accurate of the level of fear you feel. If the natural stuff works for you, great (and I agree that you should get "professional" help in what to use, because they have dangers and side effects too) but if not, then taking prescribed medicine when you need it is a wise choice.

As for the risk of suicide in taking them, I have only heard of that in connection with children and teenagers.

My main point here is not to be scared off of prescription antidepressants. I know I went for almost two weeks in a state of constant anxiety because I "didn't want to take medicine". I tried some natural things and they didn't work. I could sleep no more than two hours a day, lost a ton of weight, couldn't eat, etc. before I finally called my doctor. All I can say is that he probably, literally, saved my life, and I wish I hadn't waited for two weeks! I'm in no way "pushing" drugs, I'm just saying if you need them, don't feel bad about having to take them. I wish I had been able to talk to other people who were using them at the time because it would have saved me a lot of worry and fear about taking them.

I hope we all get the help we need, in whatever form it takes.

Hugs to all,

Shell

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shell

thanks for your imput about how you felt about the anxiety attacks. i felt the same way. i have lost 6lbs in 3 weeks and can barely eat. i started taking something and it did take the edge off. my therapist (who does not prescribe meds) told me it is like buying a car you could buy one w/o a/c b/c it is cheaper or you could buy one with a/c and be comfortable. i think thats how i relate to it. i new i needed something and i only take it once a day so i don't overdue it. i also read alot of books about grief, adc and anything i can find. i go to therapy once a week and cry my heart out so i think i am taking all the right steps, i just needed to focus better. it doesn't stop me from feeling or crying it helps me to thinks rationally. i am trying my best and thats all i quess i can do. these last two nights have been hard and i have cried alot wishing i could have my mom back so i could tell her so much. i talk alot to her and pray that she can hear me, i hope this grieving process does not take so long i don;t know if i will make it. thanks for listening.

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Lorikelly,

I have also lost quite a bit of weight that I didn't need to lose, the antidepresants did not help that aspect. When I am down I don't eat. The grieving process is short for some and log for others, but you can make it. Try not to look at the whole picture just look at today. Today is the only thing yu can do anything about. You can't do anything about yesterday, it is done, and tomorrow isn't here yet. That is the hardest thing I had to get through my thick head. When I stopped looking forward into the future and being alone and what I am going to do once Carson is in college and I am here by myself...etc, etc....I started to feel better and not like I was heading for a wall at 100 mph. Just for today, say to yourself I can do it just for today. When tomorrow gets here in the morning say, I can do it just for today. Keep saying that everyday and finally one day you will wake up and you will think to yourself, hey I haven't felt bad for a couple of weeks now. That's not to say you won't have another bad day or couple of days, but it will help alot. You can do this and you can go on, it will get better I promise. I will keep you in my prayers.

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Thanks again to all of you who read and post replies.

I guess the best way to express this is that I am in unchartered territory and looking for help. I wish I had the direction to push through this but have lost my way. Up and Down...

Thank you to all you souls who understand and are willing to share expereinces.

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Hi All,

In the posts before mine a lot of people have different ways to deal with the sadness. In my case I had two major deaths in my family and four major changes so I did go on medication it was the only way for me to live. I am presently cut the medication off and find I have started to cope a little better. I have a counsellor who I see twice a month and did go to a support group for a year. I hope that in time I will be able to do things I liked to do again, but I did start a new hobbie it is scrapbooking it is a way to keep my memories of my parents alive longer Take care and God bless all of you You are all special and thank you for your posts they really help alot. Shelley

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