Random Things

[kellymarie]

Has anyone noticed that going through loss and grief has made you slower? I've noticed that I walk slower and talk slower/less/quieter. I feel calmer and slower. I'm less talkative and outgoing in a group of people. I just feel like my whole world is on a slower pace now. I like it better; it's more calming this way. It's just very noticeably different.

I'm very very happy to report that yesterday what I've been hoping to happen for the past 5 months happened! I keep saying that I can't wait for the time when my memories with Josh make me smile instead of cry. Well, yesterday I was listening to a song from Josh and it made me happy!! (Then I cried because I was finally happy about a Josh memory but anyways....) It only took less than 5 months! And tonight I was able to be happy about something in my life and not feel guilty for being happy. (I think this all came about because this weekend I confronted a big "first" without Josh that I was very scared of. And I did it; I survived. I cried a lot but I did it.)

On the other hand, I've been having trouble sleeping the past 2 weeks. The first month, sleep was complete crap. But after that, I was sleeping just fine. But for the past 2 weeks, I've been having a hard time falling asleep and then I wake up throughout the night. I thought I was over this, and I actually thought I was feeling better in my grief process. Why the trouble with sleeping then?

[Paul S]

Hi kellymarie:

Yes, come to think of it, I think I have become a little "slower" . However I prefer to think of it as being more "careful" and "deliberate" . Although it was only really recently that I kinda noticed this. For me, I think its a part of a maturation of the grieving process, and somewhat related to the stuff discussed in that "weeding through" topic. Not wanting to waste time on people, places and things that cause you pain or frustration, and then you "weed them out", one also may see the flip side of that, you appreciate certain things more. Not just people, but where you're at.

I think the cliche is "You stop and smell the roses."

You are more reserved in certain situations and you take things more easily.

Got nothin' for ya on the sleeping thing, except the usual stuff about how all this hits us differently, and perhaps there are 'relapses' of sorts. My sleeping patterns after the first month or two after Mom's death I think levelled out to a regular 7-8 hours nightly. During the first 2-3months I was getting 9-11 hours. Before Mom died (last Nov) 6 hours was a good night.

I do dream heavily.

Congrats on beginning to recall the happy memories. I'm still working on that.

Paul

[dpodesta]

Kellymarie,

Paul hit the nail on the head when he said you stop and smell the roses. I have become aware of that myself. I look at life through a different pair of glasses. I realize now that we aren't guarunteed tomorrow. Things I took for granted I no longer take for granted. I am trying to live life to the fullest now.

I think sleeping is a patteren that will come and go through the first year just like eating is for me. When I am feeling good about myself, I eat regular meals, when I am depressed, I go back to not eating like when Karen died. Sleep will sometimes run the same. My problem is it is hard to get to sleep but once I am asleep it is very hard for me to get up. Everything will work out.

[KathyD]

Kellymarie,

Congratulations on being able to associate your loss with a happy memory and smile! Sounds like a complete oxymoron to be able to do this but I think a main goal in grief recovery is to finally be capable of having fond memories that aren't drenched in sadness (I told a grief counselor that I thought it was an important hurdle and she agreed but who am I to say anything?).

I agree with Paul when it comes to going slower or being quieter in that it's more of a deliberate action instead something that was once spontaneous. I'm an outgoing person but after my Dad died four months ago I've had to force myself to "act" like I used to, which again comes back to the issue of putting on faces. In some ways I am calmer because I know I'm a different person but I do feel as though part of my quietness is due to my putting on a false facade, which I hate to do. On the flip side, though, if a person can get to that state of tranquility without feeling like they're acting it is a great thing!

What's ironic is that while I initially couldn't sleep after Dad died I for a while slept fine but now - four months later - can't sleep for the life of me. The past two weeks I can be as tired as can be but still can't sleep even after three hours of lying in bed. I do yoga and breathing exercises and although they helped now they're of no use! I don't know what it is...I think it's because my brother's family is flying in this weekend to celebrate birthdays and there's an underlying stress there. I have to go back to my childhood home, see Dad's car gone, his things gone, etc., and try to act like I'm enjoying myself. So maybe your sleeping troubles are related to an event or issue you haven't thought about? Or maybe it's because on some level you feel guilty about feeling happy again for a little while (which you shouldn't)? I've been driving myself nuts trying to figure out what my problem is as far as sleeping goes and concluded that it's the family get together. I don't have any answers but I guess I realized that there some things that seem completely ordinary which aren't after a loss and that it can take its toll? Hope this makes a bit of sense...

Kathy

[shell]

Kellymarie,

That is so wonderful that you had a happy memory! There will be more to come.

My sleep has been so irregular that I never know how well or how long I'm going to sleep! I think it's just a mystery!

I agree that I have gotten slower too. And I think Paul is right about "stopping and smelling the roses". In fact, there are times when I'm trying to do three things at once, and I stop myself and go look out a window at the birds or flowers or something. It's like meditating almost. And I feel calmer and more peaceful. It just seems "right" somehow that we have slowed down. I can't even explain it.

Hope your sleep gets better.

Hugs,

Shell

[Haley]

The lack of sleep that I have is because I am on the go from the time my eyes open until the time that I finally get to TRY to go to sleep, that is when my mind really starts for the day. Sounds off the wall, but if you really think about it,it is true. (with me anyway) I feel as if I have a program in my mind during the day I get up the same time and do the same routine during the day and even when Iget home like work, and cook, clean you get the point and than finally when I lay down in bed my program is done but my mind starts. I can sit and try to tell youhow but I am sure that we all know. I wish I new how to get my mind to stop for a while to rest and relax and get caught up. I can not pin point what I think about its just everything. I dofeel it is stress but not aniexty, we all have stress its just how we handle it and at times it is easier to face it head on and deal withit right then and there, and other times it is easier to push it to the side and figure it out later.

Thanks

Haley

[AnnC]

My counselor says grief does not improve at a definite pace and regularity. She said that instead, we recycle through all the stages of grief over and over. That's why you may feel like you're having "relapses" -- I have them, I will think that I am so much better, and then suddenly I will have a day of crying all day long, or insomnia, or just depression. She says this is normal. It's a very up and down process. But over time, these "down" times become less frequent, and the times when you can smile at your memories and enjoy your life become longer and more frequent. The loss never goes away, but you learn to enjoy life again. I'm finding this to be true -- lately, now that I am past the two year anniversary, I notice I am able to enjoy and look forward to things again. Only sometimes do I wake up feeling that the world is cold and gray and there's no reason to get up. It used to be that way every morning. But sometimes I will have a stretch of days like that. It's all part of the process.

[kellymarie]

Wow everyone! It's so wonderful to have you all here. I really like the way Shell put it...

I feel calmer and more peaceful. It just seems "right" somehow that we have slowed down. I can't even explain it.

Today I was wondering if a little bit of our soul went with our loved ones, and that is why we have this peacefulness about us.

And, Kathy, I think you might be right about the sleeping problem. I had been very stressed about going away last weekend. I wasn't sure if I should go or not; it was a big "first" without Josh. I decided last minute to go on the trip; Josh's mom was my advocate. She had to do something similar the weekend before. She said the driving alone was the tough part but she was glad once she was there. So that's what I did too. And I am glad I went, loads of crying in the car but "okay" once I was there. This week I won't be getting sleep because of work but hopefully after this week, I can sleep again. I hadn't realized how stressed I was about that trip! Being scared was preventing me from making a decision and affecting my sleep!

Again, it is so wonderful to have you all here. What would we do without this site? hugs and kisses

[shell]

Kellymarie,

I never thought about that, but yes, I think you might be right. That a little part of our soul went with our loved one. What a beautiful way to think about it. I feel every time I lose someone that there is a little hole left in my heart. I always picture my heart looking like Swiss cheese...haha. But not in a bad way, just that part of me was taken with them, but it IS a very peaceful feeling.

It is wonderful to have all of you. I feel like you are part of my family!

Hugs,

Shell

[Paul S]

Howzabout a part of our soul went with them, and a little bit of their soul remains within us? Basically, a connection is maintained?

[kellymarie]

I really like that idea a lot. Part of my soul is somewhere else with Josh, imparting a peaceful, calming influence on my life. And part of Josh is here with me, loving me just as ever, I can love him, and hopefully, through this connection, he can feel my love. They say a relationship never ends with a death, it just changes. I guess I'm learning to accept our new relationship.

[attachmentid=42]

Shell, Maybe you can fill all the holes of your "swiss cheese" heart with little bits of your loved ones that have left this world. I think they made already be with you imparting that peaceful, calming feeling. I intially pictured my heart being torn to shreds (I actually am in the middle of an art project where I have torn a picture of the heart into tiny shreds). I still haven't decided yet what to do with all these shreds. Hopefully someday I can piece it back together and create something new and beautiful.

xoxoxo, Kelly

(My Gramma used to always sign her cards xoxoxo. )

[shell]

I like that idea too, Paul.

Ahhhhhh.....What a great picture Kellymarie! Wow, what you said about a relationship never ending because of death, just changing made me realize that our relationships DO stay with us, in the sense that you feel those people are still in your life, just differently, but they are still "there". There is something much more profound about this, but I can't explain it.

I think you will definitely make something beautiful our of your shreds.

xoxoxo to you too!

Shell

[dpodesta]

Beautiful picture Kellymarie, I know what you mean about your heart, it felt like for awhile that someone just ripped it out of my chest. It now feels better, but still has the holes in it. I used to end my letters to grandma with xoxoxo's, it has been a long time since I have seen that.

XOXOXO

[kellymarie]

I was doing my daily reading from Healing after Loss by Martha Whitmore Hickman, and today's topic seemed to be getting at what we've been talking about. (This book has helped me so much!)

"In the point of rest at the center of our being, we encounter a world where all things are at rest in the same way. Then a tree becomes a mystery, a cloud a revelation, each man a cosmos of whose riches we can only catch glimpses. The life of simplicity is simple, but it opens to us a book in which we never get beyond the first syllable. Dag Hammarskjold"

"Simplicity is not the tenor of life for most of us. We rush around tending to work, to household, to family and friends. But there are times, particularly after we have been through some pivotal experience-like the death of a loved one-when we are conscious of "the point of rest at the center of our being."

"Whom do we meet there? The Christian tradition speaks of "the communion of saints," by which is meant not only those who have lived unblemished lives (a very small gathering!), but all who have lived and died-or are living now-and even the souls of the yet unborn."

"Each of us has his or her own chosen community of love, and we may find some healing, some rest, if in quiet interludes we can settle into that "center of our being" and call to us the spirits of our loved ones."

So this quietness and peacefulness we are describing, do you think it's our "center of being," our "point of rest" where we can met the spirits of our loved one?

(Thanks for the nice comments about our picture. Joshy's so cute!)

Edited July 31, 2006 by kellymarie

[shell]

Kellymarie,

A very interesting thought! It does seem when I'm at that quiet point that I feel closer to those I've lost. Or sometimes, just thinking about a particular moment with someone I've lost will enduce that quiet, peaceful state.

Hugs,

Shell

[Paul S]

The "Communion of Saints" is what I was describing a few posts above. It is what helped me get away from the unsatisfying "They're in a better place" towards the idea of "They're in a safer place." If they're in a safer place then I feel more that way. Or as shell put it a "quiet, peaceful state".

[kellymarie]

Hi Paul and Shell, I've been meaning to write back but my life has been a disaster this past week. But this whole concept is new to me. I was raised with the complete absence of religion in my life. I was just taught things like kindness, acceptance, honesty, humility... I never was brought to church, never took a religion class in college, etc. As a small child I was able to tell that my being was separate from my physical being, so I've always believed in souls. However, "communion of saints" is a new concept to me. I find it interesting that I have found this peaceful, quiet feeling as a result of Josh's death, and that religions have some of concept of this. I do know that I like the concept of our "center of being" and "point of rest." It makes me what to go there and find Josh.

[shell]

Kellymarie,

I am like you (in the religion department) so I don't necessarily attribute my peaceful feelings to anything religious, but it is interesting about what Paul said. I have no idea what the "communion of saints" is either.

Paul, we need further info! He really knows about this stuff!

Hugs,

Shell

[Paul S]

The "Communion of Saints" is the spiritual and mystical union shared between those in Heaven, and those still on Earth. I think a narrow, literal interpretation would imply that only baptized Christians are members, but I just read a long, description of it that would imply that non-Christians also share in it, at least by a desire to know God. I need a few more cups of coffee in me to better understand, but I'll stick with that for now.

It's like this: every humanoid life form has an immortal soul. That goes on after we die (hence, "immortal" ) into eternity (Heaven or Hell, but this is getting a little theological, so we needn't debate the existence of either, or who goes where and why as its waaaayyyy off topic, sorta. BTW, anyone in Hell is NOT a member of this Communion of Saints).

Those in Heaven continue to maintain this spiritual bond with those on Earth thru this mystical union. This is like that topic (maybe this one, insufficient coffee in me to remember where) in which a little piece of our loved ones is still with us, and they have a little piece of us with them. This explains why we sometimes continue to dream about them or better yet, feel their presence in our lives.

From little things to big things. A few weeks ago I bought 2 half-gallons of ice cream. Different kinds of chocolate. I distinctly heard in my mind Mom's voice asking me which kind I was going to eat when I got home. It sprang unbidden. Her voice, same tone and all. There are probably rational psychological explanations for this, but phooey, reason denies anything spiritual or mystical and we all end up being just collections of chemicals and tissue responding and reacting according to our biological programmimg. There were other times I heard her volice in my brain, and it was about various and sundry things, but the ice cream thing was the first. And that would be pure Mom.

Boy, is this topic aptly named, or what?

On to the kitchen for more coffee.

Paul

[shell]

See, I told you Paul knows his stuff when it comes to religion! Thanks for the explanation. I think we all have a spiritual connection to our loved ones. They are always with us and vice versa.

That's nice about the ice cream! Your mom is still watching you.

Hugs,

Shell

[Paul S]

Yeah, she's still watching. And being a Mom. ("How could you do that?" " What were you thinking??" )

[shell]

Yep, that's what moms do best...haha. So, you still have to behave yourself!

shell

[Charlie1]

Kellymarie:

Thanks for sharing the quotes. What beautiful and inspiring thoughts.

Charlie1

[dpodesta]

I had a weird experience I just remembered,

At Karen's niece's graduation, Karen's sister tripped and fell as we were going it the building. Karen was always tripping and falling. And the at My niece's graduation there was a scholarship named Karen P. So it was like she was there for both of them. I kinda makes me wonder how she will show herself Friday for her other niece's graduation from Texas A & M.

[STARKISS]

Tnanks Paul,

Your information was very informative and I just knew we are connected to our lost loves. One night I could not sleep and had a lot of tossing and turning. I wanted a hug from my mom and I knew that it was impossible for this to happen since my mom had passed away. I tossed and turned some more than I looked out to the tv room where I saw my mom's old comfy chair. I got out of bed and took my blanket and went and sat in this chair. I was not in the chair five minutes and I felt warm all over, I do not know what it was but if anyone asked I say it was my mom giving me the hug I so needed at that time. Is this possible or am I crazy??? Take care Shelley