I Miss Doug

[TerryB]

My husband, Doug, died July 19, 2006. I still can't believe he is gone. I miss him so much. At times the pain is so intense I don't know how I can make it through. Doug and I did everything together. We were a team. Now part of me is gone. I go through the motions of the day because I have to but the feeling is just not there anymore. I have to force myself to get up in the morning. I was late for work three times last week. I don't think I was late a total of three times in the last 16 years I've worked there. Even when Doug was sick, I went to work as much as possible. I was saving my sick time for when he had his lung transplant. He never made it that far and now I regret that I didn't take off more time to spend with him. How I wish I could talk to him just once more. I need to hear his voice. The last few days of his life keep playing in my head. I never gave up hope, even on his last day when the nurse said to me I might want to call anyone who might want to say goodbye to Doug, just in case. I kept saying "just in case right?" Then the doctors started coming in and wanting to talk about dnr's and comfort care. I still can't believe that I kept it together and thought about what Doug wanted and what was best for him, not for me.

Doug's mom and sisters came back and I let them each have time alone with Doug. Then they left and I sat with Doug, alone, until the end. The nurse called his sister to come back for me. It was about an hour and a half before she could get back. I just sat with Doug. I held him and talked to him and reminisced about different things we did. I laughed and cried. Eventually his sister and niece showed up and I had to leave him. I was alone, forever.

[chrissy777]

TerryB,

It is so very hard to deal with. It has been almost the same amont of time for me My husband died on July 5th 2006. I also wouldnt let myself think my husband was going to die (we were not really expecting it but when your diagnosed with cancer I guess there is always that chance). Its hard to imagine that life is suppose to go on withou them. I know things do get easier with time. That doesnt mean your going to forget him, but I know I cant wait for the day that memories make me laugh instead of cry. I know it has helped me to talk to others that have been through what I have like on this forum, because as much as others want to try to help or understand they really cant unless they have been through it as well. Take care and God bless

[dpodesta]

Terry,

What you described was how my relationship with my wife was. She died on April 6th of this year from a sudden heart attack. The only way I got through those first few days was God, he gave me the strength to keep going. I was the same way, I was late to work a lot for the first 3 to 4 months, I just couldn't get out of bed to face another day without her. You will here this a lot if you spend smoe time on this site, it will get better with time. It has now been almost 5 and half months now, I still have my good days and my bad days, but the days in between the bad days are getting further apart. Just keep coming back to this site, there are a lot of caring people here that have been through or are going through the same thing as you are and there is a lot of resourses that are mentioned that will help you to deal with your loss. I hope to see you more, and will help in any way I can.

[LarrysGirl]

TerryB, My Larry was waiting for a transplant also, a very long wait. So we postponed our dreams. We were grateful for everyday we had together but we never expected him to die while waiting. We never gave up hope. I am glad for those who can find God during this time but as for me I wouldn't know where to look anymore. I haven't come to terms with God and losing Larry. Maybe one day but its almost 10 months and I feel very alone in this grief.

[kayc]

Terry,

I want to say how sorry I am that you are experiencing this. Please keep coming back to this site, it has helped me tremendously...actually, this site is not an "it" but more of a "who"...it is each and every person who comes to it, and we have all been here for each other.

I am very glad you got to have some time with Doug before he died, I didn't get that with my George and I've never been able to get past that. Like you, we did everything together, we were a team. It has been a year and nearly three months for me, and I remember feeling the same way as you...I still do at times, but it does get better with time. It's not that we get over them, but rather that we learn to live with our loss and learn to do this "life without", whether we want to or not. At first I think I was in shock, and it took time for things to sink in and it took more effort than I've mustered for anything in my life just to go on. We've all felt "what's the point?" at times. And our journeys are all different, just like us. I've always been a very spiritual person and was close to God, but when George died, I couldn't even pray...after all, I was praying when he died, so I had a hard time understanding. I felt far away from God and abandoned by him as well as George. But with time He helped me work out my feelings and He was good to grant me the time I needed, and I once again was back to living by faith. By now I understand things much better, but everyone's journey is different and some people may never come to understand the whys...one thing we all have in common, we do have to accept and continue living, want to or not. Most all of us have experienced the same emotions, the same ups and downs. We're here for you, to listen to you, to care, and maybe sometimes one of us will even have something encouraging or inspiring to say...hang in there, it's still really raw and fresh for you.

[AnnC]

I also understand how hard it is waiting for a transplant that never comes. Don came within just a couple of days of getting the liver transplant. They had a liver for him, but his kidneys failed and they took him off the list. I cried for two years. I'm still crying after almost 2 1/2 years, but not quite as often or hard.

I can only say that you never come to terms with it, because it feels to me like that is saying it's okay. For me, it will never be okay that he died. But I am learning to live my new, changed life. I have read that you come to a new balance and weave this loss into your changed life. That is what I think I am doing. I don't even have children to comfort me -- we lost our only pregnancy to miscarriage.

I still have my days when I wonder what the point of going on is. It's just that after more than 2 years, I don't feel that EVERY morning any more. You learn to continue. One thing I do is talk aloud to him. I miss so much that pillow talk, so I talk to him at night, trusting that he can hear me. It helps me, I tell him about my day and how I'm feeling, just as I would if he were still there. Sometimes I feel this warmth, like I'm being hugged. It helps.

[TerryB]

I am grateful that I was able to spend time with Doug before he died. I can't imagine how it would feel to lose someone suddenly. Doug was in ICU for the last five days of his life and I never left the hospital except to shower, when another family member showed up to sit with him. The nurses brought in a recliner chair for me. I know he was scared because the first night I stayed at the hospital I couldn't sleep at all and everytime I would look over to check on Doug his eyes were open. I said what's the matter hon, are you afraid to go to sleep? He shook his head yes. What an awful feeling that must have been. After that night, he had to be sedated so he did sleep. When he got restless I would tell him it's ok, I'm right here and then he would settle down again. So even if he couldn't speak to me, I knew that he knew I was there.

I did as much as I could for Doug when he was in ICU. I told the nurses I wanted to give him his bath and I helped to change his bedding. The nurses showed me how to reposition him several times a day to prevent bedsores.I shaved him, brushed his teeth and washed his hair. Doing all this made me feel better because I felt so helpless otherwise. I couldn't make this go away.

[kayc]

Terry,

I am so glad you got to do that for him too, he was undoubtedly comforted by your presence. George wouldn't let the doctor notify me when he had his heart attack because he didn't want to miss my sister's reunion! I know he meant well but I wish I could have been there with him that weekend, instead of getting there just before he died and we never got to talk alone because there were visitors...I thought we'd have that night to talk but he died instead. And they threw me out when he had his final heart attack so I didn't even get to tell him it was okay...