Autopsy Report

[chrissy777]

Yesterday I received my husbands autopsy report and it is bothering me alot. First I really wasnt too keen on giving the permission to have it done because in my eyes it didnt matter because he was gone and he died after a 2 year battle with cancer so to me it was cancer that killed him.. My husbands bone marrow transplant Dr explained to me how it could help others if they have the same fate as my husband maybe they would be able to respond quicker etc.. Well when he said that I looked at my husbands lifeless body and wanted so badly for him to give me the answer but obviously he wasnt saying anything so I had to think Jason believed when he died thathis body no longer was needed and he wanted to be cremated anyways so I very causiously said ok. They did the autopsy on July 7th and I received the report yesterday. I am having a very hard time dealing with it. I had a hard time reading the weight of his brain, liver etc.. The fact that he had a specimen number and that at the time of death he was cancer free???? We fought for 2 years to hear that and I hear that now that he is dead... He died from cardiac and pulmonary problems resulting from all the large amounts of chemo he recived and the transplant itself. I feel as though he is angry with me for giving the ok because of all they had to do to his body.. And I hated the specimen number I mean my husband was not a number and he had the most precious body I had ever layed eyes on how could I let them do that to it,...Im sorry to go on and on but I am having a hard time dealing with this..

[Bebekat]

Please, try to not be so hard on yourself. You did what you thought was right at the time. It is all any of us could do. I'm sure it is hard to read the report about specemins and such. Try not to think of it as him. You said yourself that it was just his body and he didn't need it any more. That report cannot reflect or represent what Jason was to you. You know that he was cancer freee when he died. That's great, but while the chemo was killing the cancer, it was taking its toll on his body. You have to believe you did the best you could with what you had at the time. How could he be angry with you for that? You have to believe, in order to get the courage to get through the next moment.

[STOO]

Chrissy,

This is such a difficult time for you - I'm so sorry that you have this new grief to deal with. Please don't be critical of yourself and think that you may have made a mistake. YOu made the decision to allow the autopsy only after considering the wishes of your husband and the good it could do for the medical community and other people. Especially - you considered that Jason had chosen cremation and how he felot about his body after death. YOu considered Jason's feelings before making the decision, It was not a decision that was made lightly, and it was a loving and selfless choice. I'm sorry that the autopsy results were sent to you - I think it may be unusual that you got a detailed report. I believe that usually the family gets only a summary of the findings, to spare the loved ones the feelings that you are going through now.

JAson was and is so much more than a specimen number. He was and continues to be a part of you. Remember and grieve for all the things that he was - friend, lover, confidant and more.

You are coping the best way that you can. Making a considered decision is not something that you should criticize yourself for. Everyone here understands the difficulties we face when we are grieving and our hearts are broken and we need to make decisions. I don't think Jason would fault you for a decision you made thoughtfully and with love and selflessness. Please don't be so hard on yourself. We're here to listen and support you.

~Stoo~

[TerryB]

Dear Chrissy,

I am sorry that you are having a difficult time. The doctors and nurses ask so many questions at such an emotional time, when the last thing you want to think about is making important decisions like this. It sounds to me that you thought it through and did what you thought Jason would have wanted.

Not that an explanation for having Jason listed as a specimen number on the report will make it any easier for you, but maybe that is done for privacy reasons.?

When my husband, Doug, died, They also asked me if I wanted an autopsy. At first I said yes then I looked at him and he was so black and blue from all the blood draws and iv's and he had had so many wires and tubes in him I just felt so mad all of a sudden and I thought to myself they are not going to do anything else to him. He has been through enough. The doctor said it could help others and even if it sounds unkind and uncaring I said I didn't care. The nurse asked if I wanted her to call the organ donation people. I have always believed in donating organs. After all Doug was on the transplant list. But the nurse said because of the sepsis they might reject his organs. I thought if I say yes and they say they can't accept any of his organs it would make me feel even worse than I do. So again I said no.

I think it was very unselfish of you to consider others and have the autopsy done. I was not as strong as you. You did the right thing.

TerryB

[dpodesta]

Chrissy,

I am so sad that you are having to deal with this. It is tough when right after a loved one dies there are so many descisions to be made. What you did was the right descision, think of it this way, if by his death and autopsy he can save another life by what the doctors can learn, then it is the right descision. When Karen died, they asked me if I wanted to donate cartilidge. After much thought and conversations with her family, I decided to do it. Karen and I have never talked about it, but I felt if through her death someone can have a better way of life, then Karen is living on in those people. I got a letter about a month ago from the donation place saying that the donation would help some 30 people. While it was a very difficult descision, I know now it was the right one and one that Karen would agree with. Jason would want to help in any way possible and the results from the autopsy just might save some one else from what you are going through and that is worth more than anything. Please don't be hard on yourself, you made the right descision.

[chrissy777]

Thank you everyone for your replys they really did help. I know I made the choice that Jason wouldve wanted me to. Its just hard to make these choices even small daily ones without him. He was always the most worldly and smart person and made the right decisions I sometimes wonder how I make it through a single day without him and very soon I am going to have our son another human being who depends on me alone.. Its scary.. Thank you all again and take care

[kayc]

Chrissy,

I have been having problems with my computer cooperating and I was just now able to view this posting. I am sorry that the results were so upsetting to you. Medical personnel sometimes refer to thing in their daily routines in a way that comes across callous to us...they don't mean to...what is routine to them in life and death to us. Your husband was not a specimen number, he was everything to you. There is a song on the radio about that (country) that a guy talks about how his wife is just this or that to other people but to him she is everything. That is how it is with us...that's why our love, our relationships are so important to us...in this sometimes indifferent world, it is important to know we are special to someone. You and he were and are that to each other, regardless of death's separation.

As for learning about his being cancer-free...that is a very bittersweet piece of news...one the two of you had always hoped to hear...but not like this. It seems very hard to swallow that the very cure is what killed him. But think of it like this, Chrissy, didn't he have to try? The alternative was he would have died anyway, and at least you have the consolation of knowing that he did everything humanly possible to beat all the odds and that he his best to LIVE! You were everything to him and still are! Your getting the autopsy report didn't change anything except your knowing and if it helps anyone else be spared what you're not going through by the staff learning something, at least it gives meaning to what seems a senseless and harsh death. I am so sorry you are going through this Chrissy, I've come to care very much about you and wish I could spare you your pain.

Edited September 19, 2006 by kayc

[chrissy777]

Kay C,

Thank you for your reply. Do you know what song that was? It sounds nice and Ive always loved music to help with my emotions. I have gone out and bought so many CDs after Jason died. Mostly country CDs. A few songs I like are, " I probably wouldnt be this way"- Leann Rimes ( Idont know if I spelled that right) " He gets that from me"- Reba McIntyre Well those are just a few.

I am a nurse and it really does hit home to see that he had a specimen number (as morbid as it sounds) You get used to saying "the pt with pneumonia, or the hip in room such and such,. I dont see myself doing that again any time soon. I know why my husband fouhgt to live, basically for me. He told me a few times how he wanted to give up and if he didnt have me he wouldve long ago. That kinda makes me feel bad and good at the same time. I in a way feel like all his suffering was in vain and now he is gone. I know he wouldve done it again if he could just so we would have more time together. It makes me feel good because I know he loved me so much. While he was dying he told the social worker tell her not to come... He didnt want mo to go through the pain. He was a wonderful man. Well Thank you again for your kind words. I hope you are well. Take care of yourself

[kayc]

Chrissy,

I'll try to find out the name of that song for you and get back to you.

[kayc]

Chrissy, here it is:

http://songlyrics.com/song-lyrics/Brad+Pai...rld/255551.html

If you have a good connection, you can download the music...here are the words:

To the teller down at the bank

You're just another checking account

To the plumber that came today

You're just another house

At the airport ticket counter

You're just another fare

At the beauty shop at the mall

Well you're just another head of hair

Well that's alright, that's okay

If you don't feel important, honey

All I've got to say is

To the world you may be just another girl

But to me, baby, you are the world

To the waiter at the restaurant

You're just another tip

To the guy at the ice cream shop

You're just another dip

When you can't get reservations

'Cause you don't have the clout

Or you didn't get an invitation

'Cause somebody left you out

That's alright, that's okay

When you don't feel important honey

All I've got to say is

To the world you may be just another girl

But to me, baby, you are the world

You think you're one of millions

But you're one in a million to me

When you wonder if you matter, baby look into my eyes

And tell me, can't you see you're everything to me

That's alright, that's okay

When you don't feel important honey

All I've gotta say is

To the world you may be just another girl

But to me, baby, you are the world

[WaltC]

http://songlyrics.com/song-lyrics/Brad+Pai...rld/255551.html

If you have a good connection, you can download the music...

Hi kayc,

Thanks for that link, however us Canadians cannot download the music - it is restricted to USA residents.

[kayc]

Walt,

I'm sorry...I didn't know. Most of the time I don't even try...in my area they only have dial up connection available and most downloads get hung up with that.