Missing Aaron

[holly]

Almost a year ago I lost my son in a car accident. I drove him to the airport to visit friends and within a couple of hours of landing in California the accident occured. He had turned 20 years old a couple of weeks earlier. Now we are approaching his birthday and I am finding this the hardest milestone yet. Aaron and his sister shared the same birthday, only three years apart. He would have been 21 and she will be 18. They had been planning for years how they would celebrate this birthday together. Now of course they can't, my daughter is so sad and is dreading her birthday. He was my oldest child and brought to me the gift of love that I could never have dreamed of prior to his birth. I know that I will have to be there for my daughter on this day, but I am so sad myself that I am afraid that I don't have enough left anymore. I miss him so much and feel so heartbroken. I have a husband and two other children (also a seven year old) and subsequently have to keep functioning and moving along.

I haven't had much opportunity to talk with others who have lost a child. I have many caring friends, but I know that they don't understand and are uncomfortable when I really tell them how I am doing. Its hard to articulate when I can't even identify what I am feeling. Haven't found a therapist that is helpful and feel that I just need to get this stuff out. I know I need to reach out somehow, as I am starting to have some painful physical manifestations of my grief, neck crinks, back aches, headaches. To most people I look like everything is going great and that I am moving along. In some ways things are better, but it is such a weight knowing that things will always be way out of sorts because of Aaron's passing. The hole that I have in my heart and my sadness will always be there. I have wonderful memories and know that his memory and my love for him will never go away. I am happy about that and cherish it. I believe that he is in a peaceful and good place and I try not to worry about him any longer. So much of who I am is wrapped up in being a mother to my children.

Thanks to anyone who reads this, and I really hope that this forum will help me to let some of my feeling out.

Holly

[lorikelly]

I am so sorry for your loss, i could not imagine losing one of mine. you are right when you say so much of of you is wrapped in being a mother. the physical pain you feel is real, grief can do so much to you physcially and emotionally. this is a great place to come, i found it soon after i lost my mom on 7/3/06. i don't know what i would of done if i didn't find this site. all these people are wonderful and understanding what you are feeling. pls come back and write what ever you are feeling, we are all in this together. lori

[Penny1]

Holly...

I am so sorry for your loss... I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through in losing your son.....

We are all here trying to deal with our grief in losing our loved ones, and know how difficult this journey can be... there are so many people in our lives that just expect us to carry on... (easier said than done)

As you have probably already experienced, there are always days that are easier than others.... a birthday.... it must be so difficult for you especially since your daughter shares the same day.... I wish I could give you some sound advice that would make it easier on you and her.... It sounds like your son and daughter were very close as mine are.... I would talk to her and ask her whether or not she even feels like celebrating her birthday....I bet she is dreading it just as you are... maybe for this year, you can make it Aaron's day.... just a day to cherish what a wonderful son and brother he was... I bet your daughter would prefer a low key day instead...

I have done so much reading & counselling to help me overcome losing my mom.... I can only recommend the same for you.... I know that counselling is so expensive if you are expected to pay for it out of your own pocket... and with having a family and finacial obligations some days it seems so impossible to even consider....

I am not sure if you have inquired.... but we have here a crisis counselling clinic where I am that is government funded....no cost to me and believe me I had to go when my world was falling apart...

We also have a victim's services organization that offered free counselling and support.... not sure where you are but it may be worth it to look into it... these are people who deal with specific areas and may be of help to you... I know how difficult it is to connect with someone who can relate, understand and help with this....

Everyone on this site, are so wonderful.... supportive and understand what you are experiencing... they are here for you....

I wish I could somehow reach out and take your pain away... you are in my thoughts and prayers....

[gabrielle_land]

Holly,

Words will never ease that much pain you feel or express how sorry I am for your loss. It is so painful to know that somebody so young as him had to leave, and as I may only imagine, since I haven't been a mom yet, your dealing with an enormous grief, it's just something no parent should ever feel..

I understand how hard will it be when his birthday comes for you, your daughter, and the rest of your family. I'm sorry you have to go through this, and as you say you have to be strong for you and your family, I pray God gives you strength to keep on guiding your family.

I hope this place may be of any help for you, I'm sure you'll find caring people and mothers/dads that as you are dealing with the loss of a child. There's always people that will be willing to read your posts and try to give you at least some comfort through this so difficult moments.

Unfortunately, some people think that the grief is shown outside, they don't seem to understand that one deals with it deep inside and can be even bigger than one can take... as you say, things wont be the same after the passing, but hopefuly ( I really hope) in time, there will be a day in which dealing with it will become a little easier, and you are right those wonderful memories you have are yours and nobody can take that away from you, is there is something left here that can be that meaningful is the love you both shared.

Take care, and send you lots of blessings,

Gabrielle

[MartyT]

My dear Holly,

We share in your sorrow at the tragic death of your beloved son Aaron, and we welcome you to this warm and caring place.

I don't know if you've had an opportunity to explore some of the topics posted by others in this forum, but I want to point you to this particular one, as it contains some information that I think you may find especially helpful:

Griffin...forever 17

And as you approach this double birthday shared by your son and daughter, you may find these articles helpful as well:

Including Your Absent Loved One in Holiday Celebrations

Creating Personal Grief Rituals

[holly]

thank you to all who replied. It is indeed a blessing to have found this site.

I appreciate your thoughtfulness and the resources that were mentioned. I particularly loved the idea of a candle wreath. Today we are celebrating our daughter's birthday with her and remembering Aaron's life and birthday as well. My little one and I are putting together memory pages for her and the two of us made a little scrap book for her sister's birthday gift. It is good to look at pictures to remind me of our happy days.

Peace to all.

Holly