What Is Happening With Me?

[Jennie Harrison]

I'm 21 years old and lost my dear father almost 2 months ago, he had been sick but recovered, and then suddendly his heart just stopped.

My family lives in Sweden and I study in Holland, so I feel so alone right now, even though I'm not.

The worst thing is that I don't know who I am anymore....

I've always been positiv, not jeluos, happy morningperson. My boyfriend has been the best support to me, but I feel like I'm treating him bad, I feel I have so much anger that I take out of him, I have also been very very jeluos latley, wondering, why he is with me? Is he cheating on me? I know he loves me, but I'm thinking so angry thoughts.

Sometimes I just get angry with him for no reason, and I really don't want that.

I'm loosing my self-confidence, it's all very hard.

Anybody that ever felt the same?

[KathyD]

Hi Jennie,

I'm sorry for your loss...I lost my beloved Dad 5 1/2 months ago so I know how difficult it is. He was (and still is) part of who I am but after he died I felt like a chunk of me had been lopped off, which is similar to changes in self-confidence because you have to adjust to life without that part of you. Your feelings of anger are totally normal - I'm a pretty positive person too but have found myself blowing up at people when I never did that before. At first I thought I was losing it but after reading grief books and posting on this site I realized that all the crazy emotions that I've felt recently are quite common. Everyone here pretty much has described the grieving process as a rollercoaster ride and the anger, jealousy, etc., that you feel is part of that process. It's no fun! I think the only way we can rid ourselves of those feelings is to let them come and eventually they'll abate little by little. Our tolerance during grief is so low that a lot of emotions we rarely dealt with come to the surface and it is hard to deal with. It doesn't take much to stir up a pot of feelings that are new to us and as a result we question why we're doing what we're doing (at least I do). You're still the same person, you're just going through an incredibly tough time right now. Hang in there and keep posting here - everyone is very understanding and compassionate.

Kathy

[magdalyn]

Jennie-

I can totally relate with your feelings of anger and jealousy. I lost my father one month ago tomorrow. Then I had some other life-changing incidents occur almost simultaneously. I have been blowing up at my husband and kids. It is very frustrating because after i do it, I instantly wonder where it came from. I have tried to explain to my husband that it is stemming from the grief I am experiencing. Maybe your boyfriend will be a little more understanding than my husband seems to be right now. I have found it highly difficult to function as a "mother/wife" these last few weeks. If only I had a chance to grieve, and not have to force it down just to get through the day! I guess the only advice I could give right now is to NOT do exactly what I'm doing. And I am so sorry to hear about your father. Good luck to you.

Magdalyn

Edited September 26, 2006 by magdalyn

[shell]

Jennie,

As Kathy said, what you are feeling is normal. Grief IS a rollercoaster ride and you will probably feel almost every emotion known to man! But the good news is that most of the time the emotions will eventually "wear" themselves out, I think, and you move on from there.

Maybe if you let your boyfriend read some of these replies (and I'm sure there are other replies on the board that relate to this) he will understand better. One thing I would suggest is taking up an activity (walking, running, hitting a punching bag) that you would help you release some of your anger. My mom has been angry, and yelling at me or snapping at me for nothing, since my dad died. While I totally understand the whole anger response, I have to say that it really wears a person down, to be constantly snapped at out of the blue. So as much as someone loves you and tries to support you, they can get worn down from your anger. So try to divert it a little. Also, I would strongly recommend a book on grieving (there is an excellent list on this site) that maybe your boyfriend would read too. Maybe discussing it would help you two to come together and both understand your feelings.

I'm so sorry for your loss. And it does seem like you don't know yourself anymore when you lose someone you love. But you will find yourself again, and you will never be exactly the same person as before, but a "new" you.

Hugs to you,

Shell

[Jennie Harrison]

Thank you all so much for your replies.

Feels so good to read them, I have been to the gym today, I've been crying a lot, but still somehow it was a nice day.

Another sad thing is that my best friend now found out that her father died... also, 43 years old, it's so unfear.

Big hugs to you all.

[dpodesta]

Jennie,

What everyone has said so far has hit the nail on the head. Like Shell said, the person you were before will no longer be you. You will have a different take on life, you will be different. However the new yyou will still have a lot of the caritristics that the old you had.

I can totaly relate to the anger, I lost my wife almost 6 months ago and have anger built so much in me and no where to aim it at. I have a 7 year old that I am now raising without his mother. Unfortunately, he gets some of my anger, which I have to quickly appoligize to him for. I like you need to find ways to release that anger so that we don't take it out on the ones we love. Please keep coming back and posting there are a lot here who will help you get through this.

[Charlie1]

Jennie,

Hang in there and try to take one day at a time. You have come to a good place where you can find lots of situations similar to yours. Om det ar lattere, jag kan laser svensak battre an jag kan skriva.

Hang in there!

[magdalyn]

Jennie-

I am glad you made yourself go to the gym yesterday. Sometimes we feel guilty for going on living when they are not. But after a while we have to realize that we can't not live our lives. And living means exercising, eating, reading, and anything else that gives us peace.

Yesterday was the one month mark of my dad passing away. Strangely it was a very peaceful day. I went to play golf, which I hadn't done since before his death. It was such a relief! I also had a moment of silence at 11:08 pm, which was the time when he passed. And after I posted my feelings of anger in my reply to you, it felt better that I just got it out to other people that are going through the same thing. So this site is an outlet!

Keep trucking along, and I am sure that you can be a good friend to your friend whose father also just passed, simply because you know exactly what she is going through.

Another thing I did when my father passed away was i bought a plant for my living room in honor of him. I have never had a green thumb, but I am going to keep this plant alive because it reminds me of him, and how he will never die in my heart!

Have a good day!

Magdalyn