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Eleven Month Anniversary Of This Nightmare

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Eleven months since Larry died. My brain cannot figure out this time warp. Where have I been? I have been trying so hard to make time stop, not move forward. Whats next, after eleven months, then the year? Do we stop realizing the months moving by without them? I am so surprised to still be alive. I did not expect to be. A thought occurred to me last night to go to the field where we would walk our dogs. It is so peaceful by a river. We would watch the seasons change. Larry loved being with his dogs and sharing the quiet time with me. I haven't gone to the field since he died. Last night I pictured myself walking thru the grass and going to the edge by the river. No one would notice me and no one would think to look for me there. Just looking for a way to end the nightmare. I miss him so much, my best friend, my love.

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I am so sorry you feel this way. i can relate to your feelings. i am not sure how i made it these 3 mos and i lost my mom not my spouse. i think we just keeping on going because we do have hope that it will get better. i think when we give up hope we have lost everything. i believe you still have that hope or you wouldn't of made it this far and you wouldn't of wrote about it. i wish we all lived close to each other so we could help each other more. i am truely sorry for you loss. my heart aches for you b/c i understand. pls don't ever give up the hope that the sun will one day shine on all of us. God Bless lori

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Larry's girl:

I am sorry you are in so much pain and it never seems to stop. I think you know that isn't the way to end it though. We've probably all had those thoughts at some time or another. I remember wanting to drive 90 mph into a tree...but I couldn't...I have kids, sisters, and now John to think about...and my faith won't let me. I believe in God and don't consider it my right to take my life. Of course I wasn't always thinking about that, sometimes just wanting out of all this, so bad. Even now...being out of work and seeing unemployment ticking to an end, no one seeming to want to hire me, it's very scarey. My whole life is altered. I'm scared, angry, lonely, hurting, and seem disenfranchized. My life was so different once...it was more normal. I looked forward to the weekends so much, being with my Beloved. I had joy in my life. Where is the joy now? We have to believe it will come back someday. I have no idea how or when. I see other people out there that have lived through this and somehow survived...people that it has been a few years...I wonder what they would tell us? I met a woman the other day who is 54...she told me she married at 16 and was widowed at 17, and had a little baby to take care of. Another woman I know, she is about my age too and when she was young with a few small children, her husband had an accident that left him paralyzed and in severe pain. After a couple of years of living like that, he took his life. She raised the kids alone and had to deal with all of that. How? I know older widows who have survived two husbands and now live out their years alone. How? My mom is 84 and has been widowed for 24 years...but she's gone off the deep end. Maybe she's better off there. We're all different and have to find our own way...our own way to survive, but not to end it all. Our lives are different now and seems to have lost its meaning, but it's up to us to find meaning for it again. If you contemplate these thoughts seriously, please talk to a counselor. Please, we wouldn't want to lose you. We want to see you happy and whole again and believe it is possible. No, it won't ever be like it was, but we have to believe there is something good for all of us somewhere down the road. God, please wrap Larry's girl with your arms of comfort and protection and fill her with your love. Help her to realize that even though she may not understand why she has to go through this, you are there to help her through it. Give her strength and courage when she feels so tired and weak. Replenish her. And give her some measure of joy in her life. Amen.

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Larrysgirl - I'm doing 23 months today; the 2 year mark is right around the corner...so very hard for me to believe!

I'm not sure how I have made it this far, either, but for some reason I keep waking up every morning. Then I feel compelled to get up and get myself going. I think you need to remember that if you were to "do it", you won't end up with Larry and I know that's what you want in the end. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, eventually it gets easier - I don't like it anymore than 23 months ago, but it does seem easier.

PLEASE hang in there with us. If you get that feeling again, come here and write us!!

HUGS to you!!!


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Larry's Girl,

You have been on my mind and in my heart all day.....as you already know you and I are experiencing exactly the same emotions at almost exactly the same time (the 13th was the 11 month mark for me without Herman). Your words, emotions, thoughts are mine and I truly ache for you. For me, the only reason I am still existng is what Patti wrote...there is no other reason than that.

Please talk to me when you can...you have been there for me when I need you the most and I cannot make you feel different; I would not even try because the pain is too great and you don't need the lectures that are always given to us by people that do not understand this pain.

I too am struggling and I need you Larry's Girl and I want to try and be there for you if I can.

Please message me if you are up to it....and know that even though my heart is in a million pieces as yours is; I send you arms to hold you, shoulders to cry on and much love.


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