What Else Can I Say?

[chrissy777]

What else can I say that I havnt already said? Today is such a horrible day for me. I never knew I could cry this much. I feel so guilty not being happy for my babies sake. Its so weird yesterday I was ok (as ok as I could be) Today I feel like I was hit by a train. I know I have to start a new life but I cant leave my old life with Jason. I just wish he could come home. Im sick of this rollercoaster and I want off. I was going through old greeting cards and found one from Jason on our last and only anniversary together. I also found one from our freinds Joe and Deb. It said we had been through so much in our first year of marraige but things should get easier and they wished us many more anniversaries together. We only had one anniversary he was alive for. I needed to vent and I hope tomarrow is a better day. Thanks for listening.

[dpodesta]

Chrissy,

I remember that all too well. There were those days where I just couldn't get rid of that feeling. Believe me when I tell you it will get better. I still have those days, but I am going longer between the bad days. I will be praying for you and thinking about you. I hope this will pass quickly for you. May God grant you peace.

Love always

Derek

[Laurie]

Chrissy, I know what you mean. You can have an "OK" enough day, then like you said, it just hits you again whenever. I have been wondering if it could almost be like a panic attack, because it all just comes bubbling up out of control and you feel like you're going to lose it. I sort of almost have a pattern going with me. I am very sad in the mornings, but by the time I get to work, I lose it-- it's really bad. After a while though of being around my friends and customers, I feel a little better. I'm always really bad on my drive home though, I hate coming home. But with my kids, I'm usually OK for the rest of the day, until bedtime comes. I hate going to bed even though I'm so tired. It's so sad and lonely, and I still have to leave my TV and light on all night. So yes, it's just like a roller coaster. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you Chrissy, This has to get better eventually. Laurie

Derek, You give me hope... Thank you, Laurie

[chrissy777]

I have been having some rough days lately and I think I know why. It may sound strange but I think I finally have realized he is never coming home. It is almost five months and it took me this long to realize that. I think in the back of my mind I thought I could see him again or something. I was wondering if it took this long for anyone else. I think I have finally realized that I have a new life to start. It is hard and a very strange realization.

Edited November 16, 2006 by chrissy777

[Brooke]

Hi Chrissy

I know exactally what you are saying, it's like I was explaining in my post "Four months" it's crazy how we think we are fine and healing as well as to be expected, and then one morning WHAM it hits like a ton of bricks that they are never coming home, I am hoping this is the worst part of all of this after we can get through this part then we can start to move on and process our new lives we are all left with to make the best of. I find it really hard too being a single mother throughout this when our babies lost their fathers so early, and then trying to comprehend starting a new life and a future with someone else one day. All I can say is my thoughts are with you at this time, and if you ever need to talk I really do know what your going through especially with a new baby and all.

Take care,

Brooke

[AnnC]

My grief counselor told me that is classic, that you realize around 5 to 8 months later that the shock has worn off and you realize the person is not coming back. It doesn't help the pain, but you are reacting normally, at least.

After 2 1/2 years, I still have my bad days, but not as often.

Ann

[janieb0828]

I hope things get better for you Hon!! We are on a rollercoaster, I agree, I want off of it too. I want my Michael back and I want to be happy again. My boys need me, I am trying my best.

I have to say keep on this website everyday, it has really been helping me the last week and a half since I started. Just letting your feelings out and not having to hear someone say, you are strong you will make it through, sure we are and sure we will, but that is not what we want to hear. We want to hear I want him back too, I miss him so much also, someone to sit down and cry along with us.

Take care, we are on a rollercoaster, and soon it will stop so we can get off. When I don't know, the sooner the better.

[kayc]

Chrissy,

I was told that around six months was really hard, and of course, that's probably give or take a couple of months, but I know it was a hard period for me. I don't feel the intensity that I did when it was fresher, but always, there's this deep heaviness/sadness, like something's missing, inside of me. Something IS missing, it's HIM! It's been 17 months for me this Sunday. I never even thought I could SURVIVE 17 months! I think it's probably hitting you harder because you were busy focusing on the baby and now it's hitting you with full impact. Just be very very kind and patient with yourself and expect to have some okay days and some hard hitting days...it WILL get a little better. Three steps forward, two steps backward...

[chrissy777]

Thank you all for your kindness. It helps me so much to come on here and vent and have others who can understand and be so caring . I am going back to work soon and I am focusing on that and not to mention my little guy. I am actually happy about getting back to my job. I talk to others at work and of course they are complaining about staffing, etc etc. but I cant wait to get there. Iam working Christmas eve and day too and this is the first time I am actually happy about that. Well thank you all again God bless you all.