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All I can think of today is why? Why does everyone around me get to be happy about the holidays? Why did Jason have to die? I cant understand anything anymore. We were so happy and now I am so miserable and I cant take it anymore. We used to say as long as we had each other we would be ok. Well we were right because now I am not ok. I had my sister over and we put up the tree Yesterday. I really have been thinking about taking it down and not celebrating at all. The only reason why I feel that I have to is the baby. I was talking to my Mother in law and she said Jason wouldve wanted us to celebrate. I know he wouldve but I just cant get happy. I want to just lock myself away until next year. I needed to vent.

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I know, I know, I know. I'm saying the same thing myself. I don't know if I can put up a tree, even though we enjoyed so much picking one out. I just don't know if I can do it or would it be worth it?? When people say to me Larry would want you to keep going.... what does that mean?? Larry would know I am devastated and heartbroken. What am I supposed to do just snap out of it because its Christmas and act as if nothing has changed? I just can't. Deborah

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Chrissy,

My friend, I wish I had an answer as to why, I ask that myself a lot lately. If it weren't for Carson, I wouldn't be putting up a tree either. I will say this, your baby is so new, he won't remember this year, if you were to skip a year this should be the one. After this you won't be able to skip any. I hung the lights on the outside of the house today, it was difficult, but I know Carson enjoys them. I pray for you and hope that God will give you peace.

Love

Derek

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My dear Chrissy, why? such a hard question, we keep on asking why without an answer, and I think even if I had one, it would never be enough reason, ever.

Everybody is so cheerful for christmas, the trees, the lights, the songs.. songs I cant bare at all. Last years I was working night and day with some blueprints, he was always around working as well, and I had just christmas songs playing. This week my mom started putting the lights on and the tree and I even try to avoid looking at them. I know I'm not a great support here since I feel just the same, but know I do understand you. I think Derek is right, if you feel seriously about skipping a year, it should be this one.

I have thought about the locking thing as well for christmas, but you know, though we don't feel like celebrating that day we have to remember something, that still around you there is people that still love and care for you and viceversa, and appreciate their company too while we have them around, so maybe forcing yourself a bit to have a christmas dinner would be fine, but anyway, you know how you will feel better. Id prefer to lock myself as you said, but I still have my parents and my brothers, and since now I see how fragile life is, I rather spend it with them and just have one more christmas memory with them.

I send you lots of love, and a huge hug,

Gaby

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I feel the same way about Christmas...I can't bear to think about getting a tree or doing any of the celebratory things...my family expects it but I don't think they can have any idea how hard it is. George was so much a part of the holidays...he was always so eager to go get a tree, to get into all of the church things, to take things to the mission, to help out those less fortunate, to decorate the home, to make and send out cards, to shop, wrap, and mail packages, to play the music. I am just not in the mood. If it were up to me I'd skip it...I don't feel like decorating, shopping, anything. How do we get through it all without being a damper on everyone else's celebration? My sister is coming for the bridge lighting ceremoney and sugarplum festival next weekend like she always does and I can't hardly bear to think about it...

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Thank you all for your help. I had a feeling and it made me realize that Jason wants me to celebrate Christmas. Its so weird sometimes I feel he is here. I walked into the living room yesterday and really thought he was there. The holidays are hard. I was having more good days than bad before Thanksgiving then it all hit me and the bad days were much more intense and frequent. I put a special ornament on the tree for Jason it says "I am with you always because you remember me" :) I am feeling better today and again thank you all for your support. Happy holidays.

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