I Am Very Sad Today

[LoriW]

Hi All,

I am very sad tonight. I have been all day. You see, a year ago today was the last time I saw my Mom alive and the last time we spoke. I don't miss her any more today than I do any other day without her but today has been hard. A year ago today was my last kiss from her, my last hug...she made me some poached eggs and toast before she left for work. I can still see her go out the door in her purple nursing scrubs and stethescope in her pocket and then that is it. She died 5 days later.

I don't think...no, I know I haven't been very nice today. I have gotten into a big arguement with my husband and now he is mad at me. I tried to apologize for my nastiness but he has not accepted it yet. My Dad called me from Pennsylvania to tell me what a wonderful time he is having with his lady friend. My mother-in-law is jealous that if my Dad does re-marry this will take away from her time as Grandma to my girls. She even told my youngest that..."she is the only Grandma...." I know it was not meant to hurt me....but my Mom was their Grandma too.

I am just so sad because I miss my Mom. I cried a bit on Thanksgiving morning and my husband asked if I was going to be sad forever. He asked me if I felt like I didn't cry that would mean I am not missing my Mom enough. I DON'T cry everyday and I smile when a memory of Mom makes me feel good...that's how I know her spirit and love live within me...but, I cry because I have no one like her left here. I feel the loss and it cuts me to the very core sometimes and I am learning to deal with it. I know I am going to be okay but certain things spark that feeling of loss and I have to cry. I don't think I should not and I don't think I should be ashamed to. I am not sad all of the time...and I am trying not to let this horrible anniversary effect me but it is. I can see it. My mother-in-law asked how I felt about my Dad and his new friend. I said I wanted him to be happy...she asked how I was...I was okay yesterday...her response was that my Mom would not want me to be sad. I know this!!!!! Damn it...I know this!!!! But no one is listening. No one in my life is comforting me...except my girls. As young as they are (10 and 7) they know when to give me a hug...a touch...they know when to love me and just let my tears come.

I am hurting tonight...thank you for listening.

Lori

[Trudy1964]

Lori,

I am so sorry for you sadness today. As if the holidays are not bad enough, you have the one year anniversary. My Mom passed in July. For me Thursday was just Thursday. When someone would wish me a Happy Thanks..., I couldn't even reply. I'm not sure what Christmas will bring but I'm sure it will not be too great.

As for as your husband and Mom-in-law, don't be so hard on yourself. I have learned that grieving takes so much strength and doesn't leave a lot of extra patience for anybody else. Your husband is a big boy. You can't help what you're feeling right now. I also know my Mom would not want me to be so sad right now, but none of us can help how we feel. I would give anything, anything for one more day with her.

Take care. And we're here for you because sadly we are all here for the same reason.

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

[shell]

Lori,

Of course the one year anniversary would make you sadder! Anyone who doesn't understand that is an idiot! But, sadly, a lot of people in our lives just want things to be back to "normal" and they don't know how, or want, to put up with someones grief. I know you are trying your very best to NOT be sad, and they should be thankful for that. Some people don't even try and they don't think of the affect they are having on others. You do, and that is a huge step and also an added burden of sorts. I do the same thing...try my best to be happy, but I still cry a lot too. And you're right, you shouldn't be ashamed to cry and you shouldn't not cry, so cry away. If someone doesn't understand, tough.

Hang in there.

Hugs,

Shell

[NancyM]

Lori,

I know exactly how you feel. Thanksgiving was nice but there's always that underlying sadness of missing my Mom. The next day, the 24th was my birthday, first one without Mom, and she passed on Feb 24th, 2006, so the tears came a few times that day.

You don't want to have to tell your family all the time "I miss my mom" and sometimes I just feel they don't remember that I miss her everyday especially on the 24th of each month. It's almost like my family never wants to mention anything about Mom for fear it will upset me but I feel it would make me feel better just knowing they remember my pain of missing her.

I know she is happy now and not wanting me to be sad, but that is easier said than done, now especially with the holidays coming up......and the first ones without her.

It really helps to read all the posts and know that others feel the way I do and understand. It also helps to write it out here and vent your feelings to people that validate your feelings. Thank you all.

Nancy

[shell]

Hi all,

It just occured to me the other day that grievers "go into hiding". At least some of us, I know I have. We don't want to deal with people not understanding us or being upset that we're crying and on and on! So, we try to put on happy faces and do our grieving behind closed doors, alone...hiding. We feel bad enough, without other peoples insensitivities thrown into the mix, and so it's easier to grieve alone. I know that's pretty much what I've done. Anyone else feel that way?

Hugs,

Shell

[lorikelly]

Lori

I understand how you feel, my mom is gone 5 mos and it is hard. i cry alot but i cant help it. i do try to hide it b/c i know people don't understand. they think the crying should stop. i did ok on thanksgiving , the day before was worse. i was waiting for thurs and i was a mess.. i don't think there is anything wrong with missing our moms being sad is part of it. i told my mom in her ear the night before she died that i would miss her everyday of my life and i will. nothing will change that. you are not alone here . lori

[LoriW]

Thank you all...I am glad I have this place to come to when I need some healing. You are all so warm and you listen to my words and understand.

Shell...I think you've hit it on the head. I have and do go into hiding with my grief. I am so worried about bothering others with it I take it all on myself. Except when I come here. I too try and feel "normal" but then some comments come out (like my mother-in-laws) and it creates a hurt and I grieve again. I think I am becoming better.

So, I got through that yucky day and yesterday was good. I appreciate everyone!

Lori

[shell]

Lori,

That's the great thing about this place...we don't have to hide our feelings! That's also why I feel closer to most of you than to my own friends and some family! Thanks to everyone.

We all survived Thanksgiving and we will survive Christmas and then it will be gone and over! We can get over the "holiday jitters"!

Hugs to everyone,

Shell