Dealing With Insensitive People

[jc1030]

Last week, if it weren't for the fact this man is my boss, I would've been tempted to punch him. When he walked by my office he caught me in a moment where I thought about my dad, and he came into my office to tell me to cheer up. Naturally I wasn't exactly thrilled with his lecture. Then he pointed out that the man who was his father-figure in his life had recently passed away although it wasn't unexpected. One thing I always knew about my boss is that he expects people to think just like him; to read his mind; and he's not exactly the most tactful person in the world. It's nice to know that he knows how to deal with the death of a loved one, but unlike him, my dad's death was my first experience, and I didn't realize that there was a timetable to get over it. Maybe his heart was in the right place, but his approach was wrong. At least in my opinion it was.

One of my friends told me that when her father died 20 years ago, she would hold off her grieving until she got home from work, and then one day her then-husband came out and asked her to get over it already. He hadn't yet dealt with the loss of a close loved one, and this was the starting point for the disintegration of their marriage. I'd be curious if he has finally had the chance to deal with this in his life and perhaps have a different perspective on the issue.

On the whole, I would like to think most people are understanding, even those who have not dealt with the death of a loved one, but it's frustrating to deal with those ocassional people who, for whatever motive or agenda, decides that people should "get over it already".

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.

Jeff

Edited December 17, 2006 by jc1030

[MarieR]

Hi Jeff..

I'm dealing with some of the same stuff right now with family members. No one in my family has had to deal with the death of a person close to them..so I find very little support within my family.My husband says he knows it takes time, but at the same time I get little jabs pertaining to my reduced motivation and functioning. Makes me want to slap him...scarier is that it is affecting my feelings/opinion of him.I've noticed that some of my family members have dissappeared as well...meaning..I used to talk to them once a week and now it will be a month or so. I could understand if I moaned nonstop about my pain in our conversations, but I don't. I am very aware of how much of my grief I allow to come out with certain people..just in my own attempt to protect them and to protect myself from their judgements about how long it's been going on. I don't know if it's me, if I am being too sensitive..but I pick up almost a disgust from people if I say or show my grief. These are the people who haven't lost anyone.Although it may not be very evolved of me, a part of me thinks..."one day you'll be in this hell yourself...and remember your judgement of me". Your boss was probably coming from the right place...but left his tact behind.Wouldn't it have been better if he had just said..."I get it" and left you alone.I guess this is just one of those hard things about grief...we are alone and it's very personal. My grief is different from anyone else's. I guess I'm to the point where this forum is where I come to for the understanding and support I need and deserve. Once i feel "back on my feet" again...I'm not sure how I will feel towards the people who have shown so little support. Grief has a way of clearing out the clutter they say.Sorry for the rambling...but this is a hot issue for me lately. Know that I get it and understand...let it take as long as it takes. peace to you...Marie

[Paul S]

One thing that is common to everyone's grief experience is that we all learn that there are 2 types of people in the world: those who "Get it" and those who "Don't Get It." The former are those who have experienced loss through death and have done griefwork of some sort, the latter never have. The latter think that there is a timetable, that you should be over it by "now". The former know that such a thing is silly. Those who have experienced death, even if it is a death different from yours, have a clue as to what you're going through. They are sensitive to what can and cannot be said.

As to what to say or do with these people who don't get it? Just cope. They will not understand until they have that experience. They may have a glimmer of an intellectual sort if you explain it to them, but it's not the same. Develop a thicker skin. People are going to just not be aware of how stupid or callous they sound. If possible, discard them from your life. While that may be impossible or just wrong if it's a spouse or boss, with other's you can.

I've basically jettisoned my family after Mom died. I was closer to her that any of them. They didn't get what I was going through, life moved on for them and I just don't have time for them anymore.

If you have to continue to deal with them, a spouse may need explaining. Set him/her down and just say what you need and how much space. "This is the deal with what's going on and this is what I need from you." A nice time to remind them of the "For better or worse, in good times and bad..." part. A boss requires more sacrifice on your part. Just try and cover/suppress your emotions on the job so the boss thinks you're past it. I know that is hard, but to keep your job or defuse office situations you may have to keep your mind off of things outside the workplace. Again, it's really hard.

Hang in there.

[MartyT]

Hi Jeff,

Dealing with the insensitivity of others is one of the hardest aspects of mourning, most especially when such unhelpful responses come from a person who's supposedly experienced a significant loss of his own, and still doesn't "get it."

I think you might find these articles helpful:

What Is a Compassionate Friend?

You Should Be Over "IT"

See also Christine Jette's insightful articles on this important topic.

[KittyLove]

I think your boss' intentions were to try to be helpfull. If he gave you the major blow off and said something like 'suck it up' or something like that, now that would be majorly insensitive!

But he shared something with you. I see the good intention in it. I try to remind myself that I am overly sensitive right now, *I* am the one out of whack, not everyone else.

[jc1030]

Maybe you're right KittyLove, that my boss was well-intentioned, but he still needs to learn how to deliver his message. Again, it's because he assumes everyone else around him thinks just like him. For now, the less I have to deal with him the better.

[sarahm]

I lost my mother in February this year. I know where you're coming from. One of my cousins told me that it's okay I'll get over it but I should think about how difficult it is for my father. She told my newly married sister in law that she has always seen my parents together so she knows how my father feels better than my sister in law. My SIL is already upset that she never got to spend anytime with my mother since she died within 15 days of my brother's marriage. 

Now I have supported my father as much as I can but that isn't going to lessen my pain. I lost the person I was closest to in the world.

One of my friends made fun of my looks when I posted a picture of an infant me, with my brother and mother. I told him to know the time and place for jokes and he kept asking what's wrong with me. He guessed that it must be because of my mother but he just seemed pissed that I got mad. 

These people won't ever get your pain until it doesn't happen to them. Even the most well meaning people can come off as jerks because they don't know how to react in such a situation. 

[kayc]

@sarahm,

I am so sorry for your loss.  Yes your father is grieving, undoubtedly, heavily.  But that doesn't take away from the fact that YOU are as well.  I'll post an article on how to be there for him in his grief, but I want you to know that your grief is very valid in it's own right.  You are right that people say inappropriate things to grievers.  Our society is sorely lacking in teaching people how to respond to grievers.  I could post you a list of dumb things people say.  When I lost my soulmate and best friend, my husband, my BIL sent me a card and wrote in it that he knew how I felt because he'd lost his bird...then went on to say it came back (it didn't even die!)!  Oh my gosh, I was flabbergasted!  They stretch it in their attempts to "relate" or "make us feel better."  To joke is NOT appropriate!  My bible verse for today was to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep (Romans 12).  That lays out how we should respond to grievers in case we're not astute enough to know automatically!

I am glad you said something to him.  I grew some moxie when my husband died, but I won't kid you, every friend we'd had disappeared.  I felt hit again.  If you have one good friend that is caring and stands by you through this, you are rich indeed.  I found such a friend and we became close besties but she remarried and moved away so I am missing her now.  I've heard it said that if you want a friend, BE a friend, so I have practiced that over the years...but during this social isolation it feels back to square one.  

I hope you will feel comfortable coming here and posting, reading (see loss of parent section), it helps to know you are not alone, that there are others that get it.  My mom passed almost six years ago.  Every year FB sends me a "memory" of our last Mother's Day together...I treasure that photo.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2011/10/helping-grieving-parent.html