My Story Continues...

[LoriW]

I hope all of my friends here had a nice Christmas. I am so glad I have this place to come to. It has helped me so much in the past year!

Basically, I had a pretty emotional Christmas. My girls and I took some little Christmas trees out to my Mom's grave the Saturday before Christmas. It made me sad...more so than last year. I think I may have been more of the shock mode at that time as it had only been 3 weeks since my Mom had died.

Christmas Eve we went to mass and then went to spend the evening with my mother-in-law and her husband. It was a horrible night. They drink quite a bit and my MIL said some very insensitive things to me relating to last year and my Mom passing away and I would not let her get away with it. I had to respond. Anyway, she got mad at me and then it all went down hill. Not to mention her husband said some very nasty things to me as well...and frankly, I choose not to associate with him ever again. It was an awful evening!

Christmas morning was a nice morning with my daughters and husband and then later I was making dinner for my Dad, my father-in-law and my good friend. My Dad said he was coming all along and that was what I had planned, he had to work during the day but insisted he'd be there and spend the night and then I would take him to the airport so he could go visit his lady friend back east. Well, he called me and canceled coming to spend the night and have any part of Christmas with me. I was hurt. However, he said he would be at my house at 6AM the next day so he could drop off his dog and I could take him to the airport.

Dec 26th: He calls me at 5:15 AM to let me know he was nearing my house. I got up and he got here about 6 AM. He got his suitcase in, his laptop and his dog. He opened his gifts and then he showed me his pictures of Thanksgiving where he spent back east as well. My Dad's background is now a huge photo of his lady friend. He stayed until 7AM when he wanted to leave for the airport...his flight was leaving at 10:45AM. That's all the time we spent together.

Today: He called me tonight. His girlfriend's birthday is today...they got engaged. I'm surprised but I am not. Not only do I feel like I have lost my Mom.....I am losing my Dad. He will be moving across the country. He rarely spends time with me or my daughters and this has hurt me. He knows nothing about what happened to me at my in-laws....he's in his own world. He even said to me, "so, you're going to have a step-mom". I am a 40 year old woman, I don't need a step-mom. She lives an entire country away from me.......I feel very alone.

I have done a lot of crying this weekend. I've cried because I miss my Mom and if she hadn't died none of this would be happening, I've cried because I feel like any relationship I have had with my in-laws has never been sincere. I've cried because my Dad doesn't seem to be understanding of my feelings.

In the end, I congratulated both of them and wish her a Happy Birthday because I do want him to be happy but I want him to be mindful of my feelings too. I can't wait to get through all of these holidays and start a new year.

Thanks for the listening ears.

Lori

[shell]

Oh Lori,

I am so sorry you had such a hard time! I can imagine how horrible all this was and I would like to slap all of them! Sorry, I tend to be really honest about my feelings. I don't mean any disrespect (especially to your dad) but these people just don't seem to care about anyone but themselves! I would hug my husband and girls and anyone else in your life that is supportive, and let go emotionally of the others. Easier said than done, but sometimes there is just no "going back". I wish you some peace and contentment for the New Year. You deserve it. Hang in there, Lori. Maybe some of the changes will be blessings.

Hugs,

Shell

[LoriW]

Shell,

Thanks for your words of understanding. I have decided to cut my MIL's husband out of my life. He treats people as if they are disposable and I have yet to respond to his interpretation of an apology. To be hones with you, his apology just added salt to the wound. My MIL, I will be eventually okay with but I will never go to her house again....at least when he is home.

As for my Dad....well, I am just surprised as to how he has been about this entire relationship thing. My Mom's family still do not know and now I don't care if I tell them.... I have had a lot to digest since last November and there really doesn't seem like there is a break in sight. I have constantly had to adjust. I have been very mindful of my Dad's feelings and his loss and now I feel like he's not been of mine or others who also lost my Mom.

Thanks Shell, you are always a great help and I appreciate your taking the time to respond to me. Have a Happy New Year!

Lori

[shell]

Lori,

It sounds like you definitely don't need your MILs husband in your life! I'm glad you decided to cut him off. I had to do that to what was once one of my best friends. It's so hard, but the hurt they inflict just can never be forgiven. I don't have time in my life for that anymore.

I have to agree with you that your dad hasn't seemed to think of anyones feelings but his own. Some people just seem to desperately cling onto something else (this other woman, in his case) to get through the grief, or possibly to distance themselves from it. It's hard to tell what's in peoples minds sometime. Maybe him moving, and there being some distance between you, will actually help. I know it hurts, I know. But maybe it will help you to deal with it, whichever way it ends up.

Good luck with all of this and Happy New Year to you too!

Big hugs,

Shell

[Leann]

Hi, Lori...I've been away for a while, so I'm just logging on this evening and catching up with everything and everyone. I'm so sorry to learn that the holidays were so difficult for you. Some of my relationships with family and friends have changed a lot since my Dad died, too. There have been some folks who have been very supportive that I didn't expect would be, and that has been a pleasant surprise. Then there are some I thought would be right there beside me, and I haven't seen "hide nor hair" of them! I have seen the best and the worst in people since beginning my journey. So I guess I'm better off without those people in my life. It sounds like you handled things the best you could and did what was best for you. That's what matters.

Hugs,

Leann

[LoriW]

Leann, thanks for your kind words.My Dad comes home today from his trip. I will be pikcing him up from the airport. He won't stay, he'll want to get home and he has a 2 hour drive. However, he and I need to sit down and have a "heart to heart".

I am truly going to miss my Dad when he leaves. Our relationship will never be the same. He is going to be so far away. I know that everything will work out and that it is all a matter of time and adjusting.

[BeeMay]

Hi Lori, It seems we are still living parallel lives.

It's not easy is it?

I think sometimes I have come to terms with everything and then.........bam,I get all anxious again.

My Dad had the hide to ring me on boxing Day and tell me he had been waiting for my call all Xmas Day(he knew I was away for the day,my sister told him)So I let him know indignantly that he never gave me his number at his girlfriends house. He was all sorry and made me take the number immediately LOL I have spoken to Margaret twice now, both times he put me on the spot, like "she doesn't bite, she's a nice lady, I wouldn't be with her if she wasn't" etc

Lori, I feel like I've lost my Dad too, at least the Dad I grew up with.

A part of the problem is how death didn't change our lives much when my sisters and I were growing up. We heard that relies had passed on but life was just the same. When my lovely Auntie died ,we continued to visit and for years it was just like she was away,nothing else changed except she wasn't there,the same when my grandfathers both passed.So I fully expected that Dad would stay in his house, maybe join some clubs and eventually meet someone, but basically it would be the same sans mum.

Another thing I am having trouble with is my Dad seems different. A small example is Margaret bought him swimming shorts for xmas,and they were going to the pool the next day..........What the??? WE had a swimming pool growing up and in 15 years I can remember Dad getting in twice!Things like that just send resentment burning in my gut. The money he has spent going halves in the caravan, the van being top of the range with air con etc,now when mum and dad a few years back bought a van, it was whatever he could get for a certain amount of money and no more, he would always make do.......he's a tight arse,always has been LOL The fact that he's spending money on her is bothering me and my sister a lot. Lisa said she couldn't ask him what he got Margaret for xmas,either could I.Last year mum got a jigsaw puzzle!

He told me he is getting married on April 14. Lisa(sis) asked him if he wanted her at the wedding,and he basically said no it didn't matter as she would have to pay for accommodation in Brisbane,so on that score he hasn't changed, he didn't offer to pay for any of us to come to his wedding.

but at the same time he wants us to accept her and chat to her on the phone and visit us if he decides to come down our way o his travels.At the moment I'm happy to keep phone contact and not be visited, it's just too hard.

the other problem is my husband, does not like my father,for various reasons,one being how he takes over when he visits and insults everyone as he leaves LOL,he has no idea how he affects people because no one ever tells him.So hubby is taking this opportunity to get behind me in my unhappiness with dad, but when I seem to accept things he is not too happy.

Family!!

Well only a few days and it will be 1 year. I am sad I cannot get up to visit her grave, but my son has flown up there to see some friends and is going to put some flowers from mums garden on her grave for me.

till my next groan and moan.

take care Lori.

bernadette

[Trudy1964]

Lori and Bernadette,

I'm not in your situation. I just wanted to let ya'll know that I'm thinking of you guys. I'll say an extra prayer for ya'll. The pain of loosing your Mom is great enough w/o feeling like you are loosing a part of your Dad also.

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

[LoriW]

Trudy,

Thanks for the prayers. I could use a few right now.

Bernadette,

Wow! Our stories are so similar. I picked my Dad up from the airport on the 3rd of January. He told me they got the ring and I asked him when he was going back. He said when he gets married. I asked when that was and he said he did not know. They have financial things to set up. I know my Dad has to sell his house and then there are all the belongings in the house too. He got to my house and did not stay of course because it was about 9PM and he has a 90 minute drive home. He briefly said hello to my girls and my husband...got his Christmas gifts and dog and I followed him to his truck.

As he was getting ready to leave he told me that once my brother gets home from vacation he is going to talk to him about coming out to Arizona and taking anything we want from the house (we would have to do that for our other brother as well because he will not be able to come). He is going to sell the house and move back east.

Just prior to him telling me that I asked him if he was going to call my Gramma. He said yes. Well, the next day, he called me and told me that he called and told her he was engaged and he said she did not seem too surprised. I told him that his story at Thanksgiving to them was a bit far-fetched and he should have given my Mom's family more credit to believe the whopper he told them. He was trying to call my Mom's next oldest sister but could not get a hold of her.

I talked to Mom's sister last night. He still had not gotten a hold of her but I told her. She was hurt. Not by the fact that he is marrying already...but by the lie. She was truly concerned about him and the holidays and here he was lying to my Mom's family. I spoke with my Gramma today and she said the same thing. I told her...it's true what they say....it's often times not the actual act or behavior that gets you in trouble it's the lie afterward. I wanted to call them so that they would understand that I wanted my Dad to be upfront with them months ago so this would not be a shock to anyone. I know in the past few years there have been some "rough" spots with my parents and her Mom...but that's just my Gramma. She is 83 years old and not going to change now. My Mom knew this. No one is telling my Dad to stay at her home...he's just not being very thoughtful towards others.

I definitely had a chuckle with your swimming story because my Dad went out on New Year's Eve to go dancing...WHAT? My parents never did this...he doesn't like to dance. Then, they went to Red Lobster...my Mom and Dad have always disliked Red Lobster. He's a bit different too and it makes me sad. Since he has been communicating with her (about 8 months now) his constant mantra is "we're taking it slow"...well if his engagement is anything like his "slow" courtship...then, he should be married soon! But...my guess is this summer sometime.

Like I said. I should be happy that he is not sitting at home crying and feeling lonely. He obviously knows that he does better as a "couple" and wants that back. However, I guess I need to deal with my grief...a little more of my Mom will slip away...but, I intend to take the bell collection she cherished and the wind chimes in her backyard and when I hear them sing in the wind I'll bring to my home the memories of the gentle hands that bandaged my knees, the arms that were always open for me and the woman who loved me like no one else ever could.

I'll be thinking of you Bernadette and I will keep you in my prayers because I know how hard it is sometimes.

Lori