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Concerned About Mom


walleye205

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Hello all,

My father past on 10/21/06 and I miss him everyday and all the time. I believe in god and find comfort in knowing he's in a better place now and hurts know more. My concern is for my mother, after 53 years of marriage she is now alone (I'm the youndest of 6) my brothers and sisters try to help in the heeling process, but it's very hard on all of us.

Here's my question: My mother goes to my fathers grave site everyday and I believe she's starting to get addicted to going to the site and feels she is doing something wrong if she doesn't go to the site. Is this normal? how long should she continue to do this? I realize there is no time on the greiving process and it's hard on all of us now, I just don't want to lose my mom, maybe this is something that should be monitored and maybe trying to get her into consuling. Any help or thoughts would be appreciated.

Thank you,

Walleye

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Hi Walleye and welcome to these boards.

There are so many emotions going on with your mom at this time. She and your dad were married for so many years and obviously their realtionship was a strong one. There is not a right or wrong timetable for grieving. Maybe counceling would help her sort out her feelings so she can learn how to adjust to his passing. Her whole adult life was spent with your dad and I'm sure she feels lost without him. Read Marty's article on Disloyalty and see if that applies at all to your mom. It talks about the griever (your mom in this case) feeling "disloyal" to the one who passed if they do something different other than grieve (in your moms case, going to the cemetary every day).

This site has a lot of helpful information.

How are YOU doing with all of this? Remember to take care of yourself through all of this!

Take care...Lori

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Lori,

Thank you for you advice...I'm going to continue checking the boards and hopefully I'll find something I can share with my mom.

I'm taking one day at a time and learning to cope with the pain in my heart, not accepting, just living with it and understanding the love I have/had for my father and choosing to remember all the wonderful things he did for me in my life.

I have three little boys of my own and base a lot of their upbringing on how my dad was with me. I miss being able to call him more than anything, nobody else cares about my golf scores, but my dad loved to hear about every shot. I still look to the skies and talk to him all the time knowing he's listening and watching over me and my family, always making sure I do the right thing.

Thanks,

Walleye

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Marty's article on disloyalty is written in the part of the forum where it says The Latest News. All her articles are great!

By the way you said your Dad passed away on Oct 21, 06'...my Mom passed away on Oct 22, 06'. These boards have helped me out so much. I'm learning to adjust to her death in my everyday life. My Dad passed away in Sept, 03', so now I'm also adjusting to the fact that I don't have parents anymore. I am greatful for my husband, children, family and friends...but I sure do miss my Mom and Dad!!!

Take care...Lori

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Walleye,

What your mother is going through is perfectly normal. You say that your dad died in Oct '06. That is really not that long ago. My husband died almost 21 months ago and I still have bad days. Perhaps counseling will help her, only she will know. We each handle grief differently and visiting his grave each day is not an addiction, it's a necessity to her.

The main thing to remember is it will take time, maybe lots of time. Some people take years even with counseling. Just be gentle with her and don't expect her to "get over it". After all, she was with your dad for 53 years. She needs to know that all these feelings and emotions are normal and that you will be there for her if and when she needs it.

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First i am so sorry for your loss.

your mom is normal. there is no right or wrong way to grieve, even though people we will tell you how to feel and act. if it helps your mom to go to the cemetary let her go, when she is ready she will go less or maybe still go everyday. i talk to my mom everyday and i kiss her urn, i don't think it is crazy, it comforts me. i also sleep on her pillow that she died on, i feel close to her . i know people may think i am crazy but i learned to stop listening to others. someone asked me less then 3 mos after my mom died "when are you going to be normal again", well you know what i never stopped being normal. let your mom do what ever is best for her. give her your love, support and time. lori

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First, let me also say I am so very sorry for your loss. You've found a good place here. We're all going through the same thing. I sleep in my Mom's pajamas. I sleep on her pillow that she used to sleep on. I drink coffee in her mug. We do whatever brings us comfort. Unless your going through it, noone else can understand how you feel. Take one day at a time. Sometimes it will be one minute at a time. That's even too much some days. I will keep you, your Mom, and your intire family in my prayers.

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

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  • 4 weeks later...

Hi Walleye

I'm sorry to be so late in responding to your post. My husband Rick died after 35 yrs marriage. In total we were together for 40 of my 55 yrs. Your mom is feeling a devastating loss especially after having been together for so long. I understand your loss also as my mom died 10 months before my husband - spousal loss and parental loss are so very different yet equally painful. Your mom is lucky to have all 6 of you - I have 2 children - and this is the first time in my life that I have lived entirely on my own - probably your mom's also. We all do what we have to in order to get thro this terrible time. I still sleep with the pjama bottoms my husband was wearing when he died - every night!! I also have a little ritual when I go to bed, a light a candle, turn off the lights and talk to his picture about how I am feeling about his leaving, what my day was like and about our kids and what is going on with them. It makes me feel that he is a part of my life still and that he is still "there" for me. Your mom may do many other things or may continue to go to the cemetary as maybe that is where she feels closest to your dad. We all go thro this in our own way, including you and your siblings. It will be 8 months for me on the 18th. Hope this helps you understand a little about how your mom feels and that it is all "normal". My love to you all Jane

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