The Rut

[Janine]

For the past few weeks since J. & the kids left, I have been playing "catch up" at home. Being busy doing laundry, sports events with my kids & work has left me little time to stop and think about the past few months. I had a few days off last week & hit a wall. Now the things I do seem so automatic. I don't know if it this deep freeze the Midwest is in or if it everything else sinking in on top of the cold, but I suddenly cannot motivate myself to do my best at anything. Concentrating has become a blur. If you ask how I feel, I would say "ok", but if you asked what I was thinking, I could honestly say "I don't know". I am so monotone in everything. How do you pull yourself out of a rut?

Janine

[LoriS.]

Hi Janine,

Everyones way of dealing with their grief is different as you know. I had to go through my "rut" to get out of it, which I'm still learning how to do. I guess there isn't a specific time table for any of this and you just have to listen to your body and mind. When you had those few days off last week, your guard was probably down and it allowed you to think and remember. Maybe these feelings had been deep inside of you hidden because you had to do normal everyday things with your job, the kids, etc.. Maybe you need a little extra rest...if you can find the time...see if you can ask for help with driving the kids to their activities, etc.. I know...it's hard to ask for help, but maybe at this time, you need to do it. Go treat yourself to a massage or a pedicure where it's just time for YOU to relax. And don't feel guilty about it!!!

I don't know you, but I hope I made some sense for you!

Take care...Lori

[lorikelly]

I have felt that way. for me it go real bad around the holidays i thought i was losing my mind. finally in jan i broke down and started meds, for me they have helped. i still feel lost but i am slowing working on it. i meet for therapy every week w/my therapist and also every week w/my priest. i take one day at a time. Peace Lori

[Trudy1964]

I too am on meds and also see a therapist. I tried to handle it on my own but couldn't. We all get in the "rut" I think. It's getting better, but after talking to friends who have experienced this before me, I don't know that life will ever be a "10" again. Don't be too hard on yourself. Everything is still so very fresh for you. My Mom has been gone 6 1/2 months and I feel like I am back at denial and numb. One day at a time and when thats too much---one moment at a time. Take care of yourself and do what you can handle and nothing more.

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

[AnnieO]

Hello,

I have been reading but not posting lately. I am in a strange place right now and knew this was the place to find support. It's amazing how "well" I am doing. "I am so much better than I was a few weeks ago." These are the comments people are making to me. And I know why people think I am doing so much better, that is how I am acting. I realized the other day, I am not letting myself think about my mom (my mom died Dec 7th) at all. If any sad thought comes up, I force it away. I am keeping sooo busy during the day, I just crash at night. I can't let myself feel the pain, I am afraid I won't be able to pull myself together. I tried a counselor 4 times. I didn't get anything out of it. She never said anything helpful , she really didn't say much at all.She just kept telling me how strong I am . I guess it just wasn't a good match. I know I have to let myself be sad and cry... I am just surprised I feel like this now. Is this some type of denial again? I know it will only be harder the longer I do this..

My dad is still in the hospital and I have to go everyday to help him, so maybe that's why I am not letting myself think about my mom. I know many of you see a therapist/counselor, without invading your privacy, what type of help does this bring you? What types of things does a therapist help you with.Thank you for listening.

[Janine]

Lori, you are right about doing something for myself. I looked at my nails after reading your post and realized I hadn't picked up an emery board in months. I used to indulge every six weeks or so with a manicure, but I just haven't thought about myself in so long for fear of seeming selfish.

lorikelly, Trudy1964 & AnnieO

My doctor prescribed me cymbalta last month & I still haven't picked up the prescription. I don't know why I hesitate to try medication. Maybe it is time to do so. This group has been the best therapy. It is comforting to know that there are people that listen and offer advice without judging your actions. I am not sure I would even be getting out of bed if I hadn't stumbled on this group.

I hope all of you know that you are part of a great healing in this broken heart.

Janine

[shell]

Hi all,

I can relate to just about everything everyone said. Just when you think you're getting to a "steady" place somewhat, it changes! I did grieve for my dad (and the others I lost in a 2 month period), but I was so worried about my mom that I think my focus was on that more than grieving. Or maybe in addition to grieving. I'm still worried sick about her and so my pain never seems to let up. I think I'm back to the numb stage (from worry and tiredness if nothing else) and sometimes I feel like I'm "sinking", if that makes any sense! I just don't know if the emotional rollercoaster ever ends.

I think most of us are on automatic when it comes to going through our days. Janine, I can totally relate to the "I don't know" feeling. I think i'm just so darn tired of thinking! It's like my mind has gone on vacation...it knows better than I do!

Anyway, hang in there everyone!

Hugs,

Shell

[Trudy1964]

AnnieO,

I can only tell you from own experience. When we brought my Mom home from the hosp. to die. I had to put it in the back of my head (and heart) that she way dieing. There was just to much to do. Meds to be given every 2 hours. Trying to give her water. Keep the company quiet. Now when I talk to other people and they tell me that they were surprised when they heard "wasn't going to make it through the weekend." That thought NEVER went through my mind. We had to give her blood to get her home because her blood count was so low. I made the decision to give her blood because I did not want her to die at the hosp. I still didn't get it. Was that denial, or what!

My therapist just lets me talk. I don't cry very easily in front of people. He has a way of just letting me talk and cry, talk and cry, and talk and cry. Sometimes when I leave his office I'm not even sure what we talked about because we didn't necessarily talk about my Mom. I just feel so much better when I leave there. Maybe try and find another one or even your minister or priest of your church.

Sometimes I think you do what you do to survive. You still have your Dad to take care of. Maybe that's your way of coping with so much going on in your life at the same time.

I'll be praying for you and your dad.

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

[Trudy1964]

Janine,

I fought the meds also. I went to the doctor with sever migraines 6 out of 7 days caused by stress. The answer was topamax, lexapro, and ambian. I still have the headaches when any little thing rocks my world but it's a lot better. My Mom didn't take any kind of anxiety meds or stress meds. I wanted to be strong like her.

This site has been a Godsend for me also. I don't post very often. I mostly read.

We all have many friends who listen to us and try to be their for us. Many of them have never experienced the losses and pain that we are going through right now. The friends at this site has. Together we will all get through this. The first thing I do in the morning is check this site. The last thing I do before I go to bed is check this site. We are all in it together Janine.

God Bless everyone.

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

[LoriS.]

HI everyone...

These boards have been the best therapy for me, too. I had a therapist that I have been seeig onn and off for years and for this particular situation, I just wasn't getting anything out of it. I switched therapists just last week and we focused on my anxiety and my shortness of breath more than anything. I, too am on medication, but I have been for years because of panic attacks and depression. All was well with those meds until about two months ago when I fell into the black hole of depression, anxiety and grieving. I went to a new dr. and he prescribed me a different set of meds and I am starting to do much better. But I attribute most of my "healing" to all of you on these boards who have become a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen to without judgement.

Janine, maybe you should give the meds a try. It doesn't mean you are weak. You can always go off of it if it doesn't work for you, but maybe it will. It isn't going to change who you are. Some work better than others for different people. It might take a few weeks to see a difference, but it may be worth it for you. When I first started meds several years ago, I was very reluctant, but they have changed my life (for the better).

My thoughts are with all of you every day. All of you have been so helpful to me. Whenever I tell anyone about this website and how it has truly made a difference in my life, people are amazed!

Hang in there, everyone!

Love and hugs...Lori

[Paul S]

I am trying to recall where I read this, but I think somewhere I read that being in a rut isn't such a bad thing when you're going through grief. It may be your mind (and body) telling you that "This is all we can handle right now, please take it easy. Let the autopilot run things for a while."

Time to heal and figure things out. Something will happen to get you out of the rut, a confluence of events ("...when the cosmic tumblers click into place..." from the movie "Field of Dreams") and you'll turn the page.

That is if you're doing your griefwork.

[Janine]

"There is a magic about it…a time when all the cosmic tumblers have clicked into place and the universe opens up for a few seconds, or hours, and shows you what is possible….Your mind stops, hangs suspended like a glowing Chinese lantern, and you feel a sensation of wonder, of awe, a tingling, a shortness of breath.…And then you not only see, but hear, and smell, and taste, and touch whatever is closest to your heart's desire.

I live an hour from the field of dreams. It is one of my favorite movie lines. I used to keep it above my desk to remind me to slow down, to stop and breath in life. When I moved things around in my office it was taken down & lost.

Thank you for reminding me.

Janine

[missing rick]

Hi Janine

I have been taking anti-depressants (paxil) since my mom was diagnosed and died Aug/05 and they did help but unfortnately I had to change to a different one (effexor up tp 225mg) last Feb as we realised my husband was also dying and the paxil just didn't do it for me. He died June 18/06 The worst about anti-depressants when you have been on them for awhile is the slow withdrawal needed before a new one can be started and then a slow proceedure deciding the dose you need of the new one. Again I am having to go off the effexor ( quite qickly from 225 - none in two weeks). I started my new ones - they are the older style nortriptyline a week ago and feel like I am just at the start of my grieving process all over again as there are virtually no drugs in my system right now. I was wondering if I really needed them and now I see what a difference they really do make. I can't sleep - I think I have had 6 hrs in the past three days. I don't feel dopey or anything, but I am sooo tired and my eyes hurt. I don't know if I will continue on this particular drug as it gives me terrible nightmares when I do sleep. I see my Dr this week and will decide then. I'm not trying to discourage you from taking anti-depressants, when you find the right one it makes all the difference in how you feel. I thought I was seeing a small glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. It's unfortunate when you have to begin all over on a different drug. Wishing you all the best, I'll be praying for you Jane

[LoriS.]

Janine...why don't you have that quote from your movie drawn up in some type of artwork to put in your office again? You can include pictures of your sister or whatever you like as a positive reminder of her life...and yours.

Sometimes being creative is the best medicine for me. I knit and crochet and I am currently working on a small wall hanging. It was going to be a purse, than I decided I didn't want to sew up the sides...it just looked too pretty as it was. I am going to randomly put my mom's old costume jewelry on this and hang it up somewhere in my house. We just converted one of our kids rooms into an office/yarn room for me, so I'll probably put it in there.

Just a thought!

Hugs to you...Lori

[Janine]

Lori,

What a great idea. I love to make collages. My daughter is working on a scrapbook project for school and she is probably getting tired of me hovering and wanting to play too. Maybe having my own project will give both of us a break. I have the perfect picture to add to it. I have attached it. When we went to the park to release ballons, my brother took this picture. He said that the shadow on the upper right is a spot on his lens, but I see an angel.

Thank you so much.

Janine

[LoriS.]

Janine...that is perfect!!! When I looked at the picture, the first thing I saw was the "angel" shadow and I was thinking that it was your sister. In my moms last couple days, somehow she reminded of me of an angel and I was never big on angel statues or angel pictures, etc. I kept thinking in my mind after she passed for several weeks about her as an angel. I was at one of my favorite stores at the mall which sells purses, nick/nacks etc. and saw an angel night light with crystal stones and hearts. I had to have it. It is in my dining room area in an electrical outlet nearer to the floor where I feel that my mom is watching my house...not where everyone can immediately see it, but the glow around it is so special when its dark in the room and it just illuminates the living room and dining room very subtly. My mom was a very sweet, gentle soul and the angel night light, for me, was so symbolic of who she was! Now I see angels everywhere...like I did when I first looked at your picture...thanks for that! Let me know how your project is coming along. I promise you will benefit from doing it!

Hugs again to you...Lori

[Paul S]

"There is a magic about it…a time when all the cosmic tumblers have clicked into place and the universe opens up for a few seconds, or hours, and shows you what is possible….Your mind stops, hangs suspended like a glowing Chinese lantern, and you feel a sensation of wonder, of awe, a tingling, a shortness of breath.…And then you not only see, but hear, and smell, and taste, and touch whatever is closest to your heart's desire.

I live an hour from the field of dreams. It is one of my favorite movie lines. I used to keep it above my desk to remind me to slow down, to stop and breath in life. When I moved things around in my office it was taken down & lost.

Thank you for reminding me.

Janine

No problem, Janine. When I was writing and got to the part about "confluence of events" that fragment of the quote from my favorite movie popped in my head. Wasn't sure if anyone would get the reference and you just live down the road from the place! I wanna make a pilgrimage to Dyersville someday. Is it @20 like the kid in the movies sez?

[Trudy1964]

Janine,

I see the angel also. How awesome!!! Your Mom is letting you know she was there with you and your family. What peace that must have brought you...

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

[Janine]

Paul.

Of course not, but when you live out here a country mile is 5. Dyersville is directly off 20 and The Field of Dreams can't be missed once you get into Dyersville..Its just a country mile down the road. If you mapquest "The Field of Dreams" it will give you directions. My first trip there I hit one into the cornfields. It was dusk and I was too chicken to go out and get it. Spooky..

Trudy, Yes, my sister was there. Watching over all of us. Don't worry about the mistake, my mom is watching over all of us too. She still tells me to clean my room.

Janine

[shell]

Janine,

I also see the angel. What a great picture! I'm a professional photographer and over the many years I've been taking pictures, I have had images show up a couple of times, things that couldn't possibly be a "mistake". Just things that weren't there, but are in the picture. Good luck with your project!

Hugs,

Shell