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I find that I don't know what to with myself or where I fit in on weekends especially. We (now I ) have a cabin on Lake of the Woods (Ontario). This was our special place - we could only use it for weekend or vacations as we were both working. We did all the finishing work together - it was just a special place for us - beautiful sunsets etc. Two months before Rick was diagnosed he retired and we were so looking forward to spending all of our time out there. It is only accessible by boat and it was just 3 days before he died that he gave me my first boat driving lesson. I could not go there this summer. I did once and his clothes were still there and still smelled like him. We had been staying there since end of Apr as spring came early this year. Rick died June 18/06. I have been there by ice road a couple of times, once I just sat in the truck and cried , listening to Josh Groban - To where you are - a wonderful song if you have not heard it, try it. My son and his girlfriend do use the camp and I went there for a few minutes on New Years Eve - I cried all the way home - they were having a party as we would have done if Rick were still here. My main problem is that I can't bring myself to go and stay there - all of our friends are "lake " people so they are out there. They try to include me but I find it difficult because when I am with them it makes me realise that Rick is really gone and not coming back. It makes me envious that they are still living their normal lives and I don't have one. I also feel like the 5th wheel. I am 55, have no life and not seeing much light at the end of the tunnel. How do you all cope with this???

I have only one friend who lost her husband and one of our best friend in 1998 - age 49_.She is the only one our fiends who understands how I am feeling through the last 7 months, the rest are thinking I should be "coming around by now". I hope they don't feel this endless pain for a very long time, but then they will realise what it is like. Thanks for listening to me Jane

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Jane, I know how you feel. Weekends do bring up more feelings and realizations that we are on our own now. I don't know what to do with myself. Sometimes I want to be around others but then it just doesn't feel right. I guess it never will, at least I know now it will never feel the same. And the truth is, their lives have gone on, but ours are forever changed. Its just going to take alot of time. I'm at fourteen months, and I can barely believe that. It doesn't seem possible. You and I are the same age, my boys are grown and busy living. I don't know what the future will be. I wish peace for us both and strength to carry on. Deborah

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Thanks for answering me, atleast I know that I am not so alone in this. It has only been 7 1/2 months but seems forever. My friend that lost her husband in 1998 said she just avoids situations where there are only couples - yet I don't think that is the answer either. My kids are also grown and on their own. My son, Kelly, is a commercial pilot so he is not around much- besides lives with his girlfriend. He is 27, my daughter, Carey 30 , lives only about 50 miles away . in winter she has been coming home on weekends, but in summer only gets one day off a week. I feel that she thinks she has to babysit me. She came to town today and dropped off her little westie but went home. She ,too, has her life to live. I don't like her travelling in the weather we have. It is 34 below with wind chill of 48 below. I will be thinking of you Jane

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Jane,

34 below is very cold. I do not like the weekends either. With work it is usually the time to do something with our loved ones. It hurts because I am 25 and of course no one around me can understand how I feel. I am glad you have your friend who can understand what you are going through. I too feel like it has been forever. My family and friends who knew my husband say doesnt it feel like only yesterday we did this or that. I guess that is because they have their lives with their husband or what not. To me it feels like forever. Lonliness makes things seem like forever as well. I hope things can get easier. I am at 7 months today so pretty much at the same point as you. Take care

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Dear Ones,

You may be interested in visiting online Web sites that address the special interests and needs of young widows and widowers. I've listed some of them on the Death of a Spouse or Partner page of my Grief Healing Web site. Here are direct links to just a few of them:

Young Widow

Young Widows and Widowers

Young Widows or Widowers (YWOW)

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Jane - I completely understand what you are saying. I lost my husband just over 2 years ago. We co-owned a motorhome with his sister and brotherinlaw and we used to go to the lake and the Colorado river together almost every weekend. We had been going to the river for a couple of years prior to Charlie's death and there were lots of people (couples) that we hung-out with there. Since I've lost him I don't frequent "the river" very often. It's just not the same since I don't have him to go with anymore. My inlaws still go, we still have the motorhome and all the friends still meet there. They were all terribly saddened when we lost him and all of them came to the "life celebration" we had for him. He had been ill and all of them knew it.

It's the "couple" thing that is so hard for me, too. Everyone there HAS someone and now I don't - it's awful! I love all our friends there and they are always so wonderful when they see me. I get big hugs and am always asked as to how I am doing. I try to go about once a month and it has gotten easier (until I see couples hugging or something....)to be there. I just try not to dwell on it too much. All of them are so understanding (well, as much as someone can be that hasn't experienced this) because they all loved him too.

I hope in time going to your lake house will become easier for you. I would LOVE to have a house on a lake! It's so peaceful.... I'm thinking that Rick would want you to continue to enjoy the place that the two of you loved together. They want us to continue on with our lives and not mourn for them forever.

I hope this has helped, atleast a little....

Hugs to you and you are in my thoughts.

Patti

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Jane,

I too lost my special someone last May. She was my entire life and no one will ever compare to her. As far as going to the lake home, we spent many summers at Daytona Beach and as a tribute to my angel, I took a trip there two months after her death. I thought it would kill me to spend time in the same places that we shared over the years, but I found it to have a healing effect. Reliving past memories and visualizing the smiles that it brought to her face made me feel that even though we had a short sixteen years, we lived it to the fullest. The last four and a half years with cancer killing her made us even more aware that time should not be taken for granted. Remember that anywhere you share those good memories is worthwhile visiting again. My wife and I discussed what we would do if something happened to either one of us and made a promise to each other that we would not left grief take control of our lives. Our relationship was much more valuable than that! Ask yourself if you would want Rick to shut himself away from the world if you had been the one to pass away and I know you would say positively no!!! Relish in the good memories and enjoy your life to the fulliest if you want to show how much he really meant to you. You will still cry at times and loneliness will still hit you once in awhile, but if you truly loved that man, visit that lake home once in a while and take friends along. I started socializing after six months for companionship and found I am still the vibrant and fun person that my angel married many years ago. I have beautiful children and grandchildren that need me as much now as they ever did and life can still have special meaning. If you try hard enough, you can still manage to find a reason to smile every day that you wake up. Just remember, many people go through their entire life without finding a special person to love. We that have experienced that special someone have already been blessed and, as short as life is, will see them again someday. Hope this helps to ease your pain.

Rick

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Thanks Rick for responding. I hope that in time I will be abe to go there to spend some time. I did go the week after Rick died, but it was too hard as we had been spending as much time as we could there, knowing he was so sick. We were there 3 days before he died - we just came to town for his eprex shot and intended to go back out right after, however the wind came up and I suggested we stay home until Monday, after Father's Day. He agreed and thank God he did as he died on Father's Day. Rick had not felt too bad on the Wed and gave me my first boat driving lesson. When we went out the next week I went into the bedroom and all I could see was the "sick" Rick lying in the bed. His clothes that he had just worn were there and still smelled of him and I just had to leave. A major thing for me was driving on the ice road this winter (our camp is on an island about 20 min from town, so the only access is boat in summer and ice road in winter).I know that he doesn't want me to mourn him long but I just can't let go yet. If you look in the memory board spot you can see the poem he picked for his obituary and it is so him. He was a humble, fun loving man and enjoyed his life. At 57 he wasn't ready to die, and even tho I could see him going I tried to pretend it was ok. He'd say not to worry it was just a bump in the road and we'ed get through it and that it wasn't his time yet. The doctors were all surprised when he died -it wasn't expected yet - he had stage 4 lung cancer and had only just retired three months before we knew he was sick. I'm glad that you enjoyed going back to your special places after your wife's death. MA part of my problems with lonely weekends is that all of our friends are out there and I don't really know where I fit in now, and besides it hurts too much not to have Rick there with me, I also feel so envious that they still have each other and ask why did this happen to us ? It is always supposed to happen to someone else. That sounds terrible but I really feel like that sometimes. Sorry to ramble and thanks for caring enough to respond - it does help to have someone listen. Jane

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Jane,

Remember - there is nothing wrong with feeling envy. As a married couple you actually became one body and soul. You still fit in with the same friends. They were as much your friends as they were Rick's. You will eventually move on with your life sharing it with someone else(if you are a kind and loving person). Until then, lean on these friends for moral support. You will never replace Rick with someone else. Rick will always be a part of your life, but that doesn't mean that you won't care for someone else ever again. God did not mean for any of us to be alone. That is why he created a help mate to share life with. Companionship is the most important thing you will need in life to share the good times as well as bad. It is what makes us whole and gives our lives meaning. You may never find another man like Rick, but who's to say that's a bad thing? There are many good men out there, but none of us is exactly the same. The important thing is that you find someone who makes you feel complete! I'm truly convinced that if you are a good person - you will be rewarded thoughout life time and time again. I get my strength from years ago when my grandmother reminded me of the trials that Job went through in the Bible(I am not religious by nature). If you feel as though everything has been taken away from you but keep your faith that there is good reason behind it - you will be given more than you had before. Without faith we are no more than animals walking through this life. I miss my Brenda, but I cherish what she made me - a good and honorable man who still loves life as much as she did. I will honor her death by sharing what she taught me about making the best with what you are given. I will wake up tomorrow as I have since last May with a reason to smile - I have one more day to make a difference in someone else's life. If I have helped you understand a little better or lightened your load - then let me thank you for giving me a reason to smile today.

Rick

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