How Do You Get Over Feeling Guilty All The Time

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

Right now I am going through severe guilt, I am blaming myself for my mom and dad's deaths... I do this because it was my fault they died... The trip we went on that my mom died during was supposed to be a happy event but it did not turn out that way... The trip was a graduation gift for me... I think that the long airplane trip and my mom's health did not go together and I should have suggested that we do not go but I was selfish and did not say anything so I know the stress of the trip did not help my mom in anyway... and with dad it was just the stress of the trip and the extra tip spent looking after mom and all the details put him in stresses way too... So you see I do blame myself for their deaths and no one can change that Shelley

[lorikelly]

Oh Shelley it is not your fault. i know i also blame myself wishing i could of kept my mom alive longer, should of taken her to a different hospital and not of put her in the nursing home/hospice for her last month. i did this b/c my siblings threatened me. i should of stood up tothem. i have learned that some days this will bother me alot and other days i feel better about it. you did nothing wrong and could not of stopped death. none of us can do that. please be gentle with yourself, your a good person and your parents would never want you to feel this way. Remenber that always. Lori

[STARKISS]

Hi Lorikelly,

I know the feeling of how siblings treat each other after parents pass away.. It is like they turn into monsters and treat everyone so hurtful... I still feel guilty about my mom but somedays are better than others... In my dad's case I felt guilty when I left him all alone when I went to work... One day he fell and hurt his arm bad just trying to answer the door... Luckily a neighbor heard him and came to the rescue... I find it hard that it was a neighbor and it was not me that came to his rescue.... I should have been there for him and I was not.... guilty as charged I guess Shelley

[DoubleJo]

Shelley:

I just read this today, so forgive me for this late reply:

If you deliberatly wanted and planned to hurt your parents then you could feel guilty. Did you tell the pilot to make the airplane flight extra bumpy? Make the wind extra windy? Did anyone know in advance that they would not be well? No. It was expected to be "a happy event". Would you have preferred to quit school rather than celebrate such a wonderful occasion? Do you not think you were deserving of a celebration for this achievment?

Did your parents choose to go on this trip with you? Yes. It was THEIR gift to you. Did you have to go to work? Of course.

If your parents were so weak that this trip caused their deaths, then anything they would have done on their own would have caused their deaths.

Do you count too? Yes. Should you have stopped living your life because you had ill parents? No. Because they gave you life so that you could live it.

Guilt is a too common feeling we trap ourselves in. We cannot be around another person 24 hours a day, nor can we anticipate what MIGHT happen.

I am sure things happened to you when others were not there to help you, whether it was a fall from a bike growing up or a trip on the stairs.

Whatever happened, it is over. Please try to not let it take your life too by eating you up.

My very best- Doublejo

[STARKISS]

Hi Double Jo,

I just wanted to write that what you said is all true, it is extremely hard for me to say this but I know that my parents were their who persons and what they did is what they wanted to do... I just miss them so very much that I am just trying to figure out what if it was different???? Thank you for being honest and for the support you have given me... I am trying very hard not to feel as guilty now... Take care Shelley

[DoubleJo]

Dearest Shelley.

I suppose things could always be different. Would different be better?

This reminds me of a story: A man greets a Rabbi. Rabbi asks, "How's things going?" The man, Ben, says: "Well, Rabbi, yesterday my horse died, my wife ran off with another man and I don't feel so good. Things could be better".

The rabbi replied: "How do you know?"

In other words, we don't know if they could be better if different, they could be worse in another way. Sometimes in our pain we are spared more or worse grief that could have occurred . There are so many "differents" but none of them count. All our lives have "could haves" but only one occurs at a time and that is the one we deal with. Sometimes I think how I would feel right now if I did not know all the people gone from my life. ( I lost both parents and 2 husbands in the span of 4 years) I would have nothing to miss because I never knew them. If I never knew them my life would have been terribly empty and sad. Maybe we need to try and stop comparing our past fulls with todays empties. We must try to refill ourselves with new (and perhaps different) pieces of paste and glue to settle and harden over time rebuilding our strength so we can look back on this period many years from now with the same feelings of fullness and contentment.

This really really hurts. But if we have the capacity to carry so much hurt then we can use this capacity to feel comfort in that we knew them and look forward to feeling happiness and peace again. As long as we feel we are open to feeling good things too. Don't let your burdens crush your soul. It is too precious. Doublejo

[TeresaBennett]

Shelley It wasnt your fault there is only 1 person that powerful to bring death he also brings life god has his reasons .He didnt want them to be miserable and suffer so thats why god took them ,Teresa Bennett

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

The time has come for the third anniversary of the deaths of my dear parents... I still feel a little guilty about them dying but now realize that God knew they He needed them up in heaven for some reason and that He took them to be with Him... I do believe God only gives us things we can handle but it is hard when it means the loss of both of my parents at the say time... Anyway I just want to say to all those people who are grieving over their loved ones at this point it does get better after some time... Take care and God Bless Shelley

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

How is everyone? I am still here and feeling guilty all the time... I feel guilty about the way mom died and I feel guilty that dad died all alone... I feel guilty that I should have done more for both my mom and dad... Tearfully Shelley

[Boo Mayhew]

Shelley

I have lost both my parents, and now my husband. Let me share with you that my counsellor told me that guilt is a natural part of the grieving process. Guilt is my worst demon, without a doubt. I am happy for you to read the entry about it in my blog, if you feel like reading it.

http://boomayhew.blogspot.com/2009/04/worst-demon.html

Wishing you strength,

[cubby]

Hi everyone!

Shelley, Please don't feel guilty. You did all that you could for your parents. If your mom did not want to make the trip, then she wouldn't have tried it. She wanted to be there for you. SO don't feel guilty. Moms love their children as no one else can. As a mom I know I would do absolutely anything for my children.Your mom wanted to do things for you and wouldn't want you to be sad or to feel guilt about anything. It is unfortunate that you have lost both parents. I know it is difficult but TRY to think of all the good memories that you shared with your parents. Maybe it will help. I know it helps me to think of the good times with my mom. We all will have our moments when we feel guilty, but it is part of our grieving process. Hang in there and know that there are many people who are here to support you.

Cubby

[STARKISS]

Hi Cubby,

Thank you for your reply, I have decided to do is to write a letter to my mom and dad and maybe if I can write my feelings down maybe it will help me not feel as guilty and more... Thank you Shelley