Hope

[doubledd]

I guess that by reading these there is hope that things will get better. I want to thank all of you for sharing your stories. I am having a hard time believing that it gets easier as every day is such a struggle. I have to force myself to get out of bed.

Amanda and I had been working on OUR new place and were planning on moving in on March 8 (two days after she passed). The two children we have had living with us were temporarily staying with their father until we moved in that Thursday. Now, I am without a place to live b/c I certainly can't afford it on one income. Had to back out of that and I am sure that there will be reprecussions. I am trying to find a rental now, currently staying with Amanda's mother and stepfather.

Amanda's brother committed suicide almost five years ago (on May 11). Terry (Amanda's mother) has never really dealt with the grief of Billy's death. So, I believe that this is hitting her two-fold and she is struggling with it terribly. I am so worried about her. On top of that, she had surgery one year ago and it was botched so she has this medical condition where she is in constant pain. I had convinced her to start counseling and she went once but the counselor stated one thing she didn't care for and I don't think she will ever go back to another. I am not sure how to help her with this. She would like me to stay there and I am so conflicted with that. I love her very much. I also need to be with my children and there is not room for them in their home. I have been looking for a place and hopefully will have one shortly as I have applied for a few...but I haven't the nerve yet to talk with her about my moving.

Four weeks ago, we had our last night together. I miss so much hearing her tell me when we went to bed how lucky she was, how much she loved me. We would debate over it. I just don't sleep. Eating is so terribly difficult. I seem to get sick from everything. This has been four weeks, should it have improved by now? I am in therapy and she stated that it is different for everyone. I understand that, b/c it must be related to how serious or deep the feelings. But I have been feeling like I just can't handle this. That I won't be able to heal. I have lived through some difficult things but this one.....good grief...I feel dead inside.

[ustwo]

Doubledd, I am so sorry for you loss. We've all heard those words and they don't bring comfort to the spirit. I am approaching 2 years in March and I still find it hard to believe I am still breathing...that I have survived this long without my husband. You are at the beginning of this terrible journey. All you are feeling is what everyone here has felt. I couldn't put a thought together for first three months. The pain is undescribable and time does ease the intensity. There are so many peaks and valleys to go through and then more in front. Be patient with yourself...treat your self gently and grieve your way. There will always be someone here who listens..who understands each step of your path. Only those "left behind" can understand the depth of this pain. My first three months I was in shock..withdrawn from everyone and everything. I can say it took the first year to finally "accept". The pain doesn't go away but the intensity and duration...the time between the ups and downs gets further apart in time. I wish you did not have to suffer through this lonely journey. But you will always find friends here. Expressing your feelings does help a lot. And having people understand those feelings can help get past those terrible, seemingly unending moments of pain. I wish none of us had to feel this pain.

Always Gene!

Always!

[dpodesta]

doubledd,

I remember so well what it felt like when I was in your stage of grief. I can relate to everything you said. It is all perfectly normal. It will be a year for come this Friday and I can tell you that it will get better. Right now you are probably feeling like you are in a tunnel with no light at the end of it, or like you are in a think fog where you can't see your hand in front of your face. I remember feeling as you do, like there isn't any future ahead you. I can tell you that these feelings will go away, it will just take time. One day you will wake up and look back and realize that yuo are no longer in that tunnel or fog, you will look back and these past few months will seem dark compared to where you are at that time. You will probably even wonder how in the world you have made it through it all. I can tell you that you will make it and despite how it seems now it will be better. I still have my ups and downs and I know there will be more to come, but my downs are not as bad as they used to be and they happen further and further apart. Just hang in there and keep posting on this site even when you don't want to. There will always be someone here that will listen to you and support you.

Love always

Derek

[kayc]

Doubledd,

I feel for you...we have all been through this. It does get better although it doesn't get over completely. We have ups and downs. It does take time, although I remember how I hated hearing that, it didn't help the NOW I needed to get through. Try one day at a time...any more is too much. You may need to break it into hours or minutes even. Be gentle and kind to yourself. You love Amanda's mother, but you need to think of your own needs first and foremost. You can make suggestions to her, but can't do it for her. A counselor would be of help, but only the right one. I, too, didn't hit it off with my counselor, he seemed insensitive and said inappropriate things...he hadn't been through it.

We are here to listen and will be here as you go through it. It's been nearly two years for me but it's still hard. The beginning was the worst. You will experience all kinds of things and may doubt your sanity...this is all normal. Keep coming back here and posting, it helps to let it out. We care. Good luck finding a place and getting your children back with you.