One Year

[Jester]

A year ago today, I lost my mom to cancer. Some of you may remember I used to post frequently, but due to lack of internet at home and restricted internet in the office, I have been absent since last year. But I couldn't miss posting here today as it is such an important day.

A year has passed, and some things have changed. Although I am not done grieving, and my therapist says I haven't let go, I don't feel as bad as I used to the first couple of months. The loss of a loved one is never forgotten, we just learn to live with it. Time does help. The sad thing is we can't fastforward time when we feel hopeless. But I assure everyone who is experiencing a recent loss, time does help.

This year has been a very very tough one, probably the toughest year I have ever lived. The emotional rollercoster has driven me an inch from insanity, the sadness, the anger, the guilt, the urge to hold on to memories and not let go, the darkness, the feeling of not being understood, the loneliness, you all know how that goes. But there are things that do help you move on. Like celebrating birthdays, or Christmas or special events, there is no need to feel like we are celebrating without them. Talking to my mother in those special events, cooking the meals she used to love and following the traditions she used to celebrate are ways to honour and feel our loved ones are still here with us.

I also like to do things she would be proud of. For example, asides from the therapy I take, I participate in a voluntary support group. I am taking a very interesting course on pagan religions, a topic my mother was nuts about; and I recently skydived, dedicating the jump to my mother, who would've flipped out if I had done this while she was alive.

All of these activities are part of moving on, without leaving behind. It's called living. To visualize my mother watching me do all these things makes me feel like she is still here and very proud of me.

I still have many tears to shed, especially the trapped tears that come out disguised when watching a movie or a TV show.

But life goes on, and I assure all of you, in time, this too shall pass, and the day will come when we will be able to remember our loved ones fondly without the pain in the chest.

Hold on to hope. Don't quit.

[AnnieO]

Jester,

I am sure today is a very hard day for you. I hope it helps to know that your post has given me encouragement and made me smile today. I lost my mom Dec.06 and am really struggling right now. Sky-diving! You are very brave!

As you go thru today, hopefully with happy memories of your mom, know that you have helped with my healing.

[MartyT]

Victoria, dear, how lovely to hear from you again. Your message of hope and healing is a precious gift to all of us. Thank you.

[Trudy1964]

Jester,

You give me such hope. The 16th of this month was the 9 month mark of my Mom's passing. I miss her so much I can't stand it. I am hoping the anticipation of the next few months will be harder than the actually coming and going of these days. Her b-day, Mother's day, my daughter's 8th grade graduation ceremony, finding out she was sick, loosing her so quickly and finally the 1 year mark of her death. I do laugh sometimes but there is always something missing. Thank you for a glimpse of our grief journey into the future. It truely gives us hope that some peace can be found.

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

[STARKISS]

Hi Jester,

As you go through your journey and it becomes the one year anniversary, I think the things you did were great... I would not even think of skydiving... I am just past the two year mark of my mom's death and again I spent the day quietly and peacefully as I finished the day sitting in her old favorite chair and bringing out the book of her and my dad that I made as part of a special group through our local hospice office... I sat there and just remember the times we spent in Las Vegas her special place she loved to go... She loved Las Vegas so much that she ended up dying there too... SO as your Journey does continue and mine too we do know that grieving does not leave us completely but days do get alot better.... Take care and I to look for the day when I can say things about my mom and dad and not cry for them but remember the really good times ... Take care Shelley

[shell]

Jester,

What a wonderful and insightful post. I'm so glad that you are coping as well as you are. You truly are a gift of hope.

Hugs,

Shell