Another Way Trying To Cope..

[Stallyn]

The last week has been terrible, I can't sleep anymore, I cry every night for my

Myrna, and now my body is fighting against me, The pain is everywhere, and being so tired all the time, is this what it all amounts to?? My counselor says it will get easier, I worry that my body won't hold up until a breakthrough occurs, I think how lonely it is without her, and is death going to come for me in my desolation? Am I going to die forgotten, not carrying on her memories and spirit? I feel forced to move on, wanting to go back and relive the 8 years again, to touch her, to smell her, to see her big smile in reality there is nothing I can hold onto anymore, only the memories.

[dpodesta]

Your counselor is right it will get easier, it just takes time. I went through the same sleeplessness so I talked with my doctor and she prescribed me some sleeping pills which helped a lot. Even with those I found it hard to get up in the morning. It was prpbably around 6 months when I started sleeping better. How long has it been for you, I am sure you have said in other posts. It has been almost 14 months for me since my wife died. It will be a struggle for awhile, the pain will be great but you can get through it. Just take it one day at a time.

Derek

[karenb]

William,

You know your lovely Myrna would not want you to be suffering so much. Maybe you need some kind of sleep aide so you can at least get some sleep. Maybe your counselor can help with that. You need to eat, sleep and try to take care of yourself....at least for her if not yourself. Holding on to the wonderful memories is what I do. I don't allow myself to think of his suffering and death. Sometimes it creeps in but I consciously replace those thoughts with the wonderful ones. I had an annual physical with the same doctor we both used and it was so nice that she said, you were married to a wonderful man and you'll never forget him. You never will forget Myrna but you need to grab on to the good things with all your might. Your life depends on it! I hope you have something that can keep you busy and that you enjoy or try to enjoy. Keeping busy does help me. I have my gardens and my wonderful companion, Sadie Mae, our big black lab. You keep trying, William, and you will make it. Please take care.

Your friend, Karen

[Stallyn]

Its been 2.5 months, I was doing okay the last week, Myrna would be upset if she saw me the way I am right, now, in life she always got on me with my health issues, and I did to keep her from stressing out, this time is different, everything seems misplaced and I don't experience happiness anymore like I did in the past, I am in the "basic survival autopilot mode" to just get by, day by day.

blessings to you,

William

[karenb]

I had forgotten it was so recent. You do need more time. I cried for the longest time, didn't sleep and everything you're going through and I still do have those times. Please take care. It just does take time. This whole thing is something!

Karen

[Stallyn]

Thanks Karen, I feel like its been 6 months to me, time has been slow, in the past weeks I THOUGHT I made some kind of breakthrough, apparently I might have been internalizing it, I don't know what to do that doesn't cost money and accommodates my chrohns, been too tired anyways to really do anything, I should've been prepared better while Myrna was ill, I refused to see that she was dying in front of me, even thought she was coming back from Guatemala in a month, what was I thinking??? why did it put its grasp on me now? It made this thing so much harder

[karenb]

You just hang in there. We're all with you.

Karen

[kayc]

What you are experiencing is so normal, and we've all been through it. I think the loneliness for me has been the hardest for it seems unending. It DOES get better but it DOES take time for it to...in the meantime, try to not place undue expectations on yourself, allow yourself your ups and downs...you will have them, don't expect that you need handle things perfectly, none of us do or can. Allow yourself to experience the pain, the missing her, the anger, the feeling overwhelmed, whatever it is that you run across. It's okay to feel that way. And with time, it will ease some and you will learn to go on and to tap into strength that you never knew you had. With time you will overcome and survive, but it will be one day at a time. Right now try to surround yourself with positive people and try to find something, anything, that you can enjoy. We are here for you to cry out to, we're here to see you through this.

[Stallyn]

KayC,

Thank you so much for your encouragement, I don't get it from my father, he blurbs, GET OVER WITH IT!, Now I am distancing myself from him now, His way of thinking is machoism, my family considered it a no-no to cry. I learning now that my support is here and the grief counselor, I hate bottling it up though, the loneliness, depression has been a burden carry everyday, some things in this world really is sad.

William

[kayc]

I have heard it said that bravery is not the absence of being afraid, but looking fear in the eye and facing it. Grief is like that. It takes a strong person to go through what we go through and come through it. Avoiding grieving is not bravery, experiencing and surviving it is. In a lot of cultures it is considered weakness to cry. That is unfortunate. We all know that bottling everything up is stressful an hard on our bodies...it is also lying to ourselves. It doesn't mean you can never be around your dad, but for right now, it is good to be with those who are positive and supportive. I had to be very guarded about the time I spent with my mother the first year after George's death. She would say stupid things and she also ascribed to the thinking that you shouldn't mourn. Listen to your inner self and you won't go wrong.

[missingcharlie]

William - I think you need to slow down.....it's only been 2 1/2 months since you lost Myrna. That is a very short time. No one here expects you to be getting over it by now. Maybe distancing yourself away from your father, right now, is the best thing for you. You need people that are supportive and it doesn't sound like he is. IT'S PERFECTLY O.K. FOR YOU TO CRY!! It's a form of healing and letting your emotions out. Bottling up everything will just make things worse.

If I read your post correctly, you have Crohn's Disease? If that is true, stress is the WORST thing for you. I have a very good friend that has Crohn's and when she gets really stressed out, she ends up in the hospital. I don't want to hear of that happening to you. YOU need to take care of YOURSELF!!! That is MOST important. Don't be concerned what unsupportive people believe or have to say. THEY are not living the life that WE are. They have no idea unless they have experienced losing the love of their life. If someone tells me I should be getting over it by now (I'm on 2 1/2 years), I just don't pay any attention. They have no idea what I have lost, therefore, they should have no opinion on it. (You know what people say about opinions....)

I have the most supportive family there could ever be. And mostly, they are my inlaws. My mother in law tells me all the time that I am her "4th" daughter. They love me because I loved their son/brother, took care of him and made him happy. They love me because I AM one of the family.

William - please take care of yourself. YOU are very important and you need to stay as healthy as possible. You know that WE are ALWAYS here for you - we want to be there for you.

Hugs to you.

Patti

[chrissy777]

William,

Crying is such a good thing to do. There were days where all I did was cry. Things get much easier, but the pain will never go away. I am at 11 months and I must say I am just starting to enjoy my life again. My father was the same way, but I think it was just because he didnt know what to do or say. Unfortunately not many can understand the type of life we live now after losing our spouses. All I can say is time is the ultimate healer.

Take care,

Chrissy

[Stallyn]

Hi all, for some reason I didn't a notice of replies to this post, yes I had chrohn's about 5 years I think, I was hospitalized 4 times 3 years ago, then it went in slow motion since, never really quieted down to the point that I could do much even with the cocktails of drugs. Its been getting gradually worse since

Myrna passed, and now I have my brother in law in Guatemala lashing out on me concerning how I was in my marriage,and my life, how I failed to care for my wife sufficiently in the last month preceding her death? Now what complicates the problem is I was on SSD before I married her,I made it known I am disabled in the beginning, She was the breadwinner, and he until now had a problem with the fact that she supported me financially and she supported him most of the time also, he knew it too, I didn't agree with it, he was older than myself, now the problem is after her passing I am the villain, I wasn't a good husband, I didn't love her?? I wasnt good enough for her. I tried my best for her, being medicated for bipolar disorder didn't help matters either, I slept most of the time, so she had a friend to help out, until the end they accuse me of infecting her with the cancer! I am constantly reminded on how "satisfied" I am now, that I to suffer alone with the thought I some how killed her! I cannot comprehend all this, and its dragging me downhill everyday, I loved her more than anything, she was my life, I never intentionally hurt her and and yet I am being vicariously attacked, when does it ever end?

I have grown mentally and physically exhausted, I can't cry anymore without losing it.

Thanks for your support everyone..

William

[karenb]

William....You've had too much. It simply has to be so very hard. Think of what you might be able to do so that these unthinking, uncaring people can't get to you. My Jack's 3 children have never contacted me since his memorial because I followed his wishes to be cremated instead of their wishes for him to be next to their mother. They even asked for a copy of his will and had their youngest child write me an email saying I'm breaking up their family. I thought they cared for me but, boy, was I wrong. When I got over the hurt I put them on a back burner and let God take care of them, not me. Maybe you need to put some people on your back burner, too. It obviously is not good for you to think you've done anything wrong, it's their problem. The Good Lord died so we wouldn't have to go through these things. He went through evwrything for us. Please try to take care of yourself and keep us updated.

Your friend....Karen

[missingcharlie]

William - You have to know that what your brotherinlaw is saying about you having infected your wife with cancer is ridiculous. That isn't how people GET cancer. I actually had a doctor, recently, tell me that everyone has "cancer" in their body....just not everyone's will begin attacking their own body. It is not something you can pass from one person to another like he is indicating.

If I were you, I would "put him on the back burner", just like Karenb said. You need to work on YOU - staying healthy; physically and mentally. You can NOT let others bring you down. My feelings on your brotherinlaw are that he's angry, now, because he has no one to support him. Now he is going to have to figure out how to get by without his "breadwinner". And for him to lash out at you isn't right.

As I said before, I know how stress can make Crohn's flareup. You need to take some time for yourself - breathe...... Your hurt is still so new and you don't need people adding to that.

Please take care of yourself. Keep coming here and "airing" your feelings. We are here for you!

Hugs to you, William

Patti

[kayc]

William,

Please take care of yourself, first and foremost. It sounds like you will need to distance yourself from anyone that is not positive and supportive, you just don't need these unfounded attacks. Of COURSE you love/d your wife, and did all you could for her! She knew your physical situation when she married you and she loved and accepted you as you are. You have enough to deal with in your grieving and your physical condition without having to deal with thoughtless ill-meaning people. It sounds like he is going through the anger part of grieving and directing it towards you. No matter how much he misses her, it can't compare to your loss, and you will need to protect yourself from him. Please do not take to heart these horrible accusations, consider that he is not himself in his grief and let it go. You don't even need to retort to him, you don't need to waste the energy right now. Know and remember the love that you shared with your dear wife and that SHE knew you and that's all that counts.

[Stallyn]

KarenB, MissingCharlie,Kayc,and everyone I failed to mention;

I am so sorry for such a rant, you hit a point in my soul, so deep this touches me,

you are absolutely right, I am trying to force my self to move on now before this does me in, I worry about the Chrohn's a lot, it worries me that I pay pass

out again with the renal failure, this time I feel I might not make it through, your rationalization on this is something I need to heed, right, why I should he and anyone one else sink me below, yesterday was so bad in itself, I was so exhausted and barely could walk, I want you guys know I love you, your compassion and understanding with me, your support has been unending and within my core of being, I wish I could somehow to convey how I feel now with your love and understanding, these mere words cannot show this is saving me from myself, I am at a loss..

Thank you sooo much from my heart...

William

[karenb]

Please, please get some medical help if you feel you need it. We all care for you, pray for you and want you to take care of yourself. My heart just goes out for you. You really must watch your health. Don't give up...please take care. Let us know.

Your friend....Karen

[Stallyn]

Karen,

I am finally getting to see some doctors now, I hope to find everything in one piece, I admit I wasn't doing a bang up job taking care of my health I lost 20+ pounds and keeps going, is that normal part of the grieving process? BTW I got an emergency appt with my POC with the help of my primary physician, I guess I didn't look to good yesterday..PTL!

William

[dpodesta]

I lost 20 pounds myself during the begining

[karenb]

Yes, I lost weight, too. I just couldn't eat. That is a part of it but it can't continue on. We're so glad you're seeing a doctor. Stay with it and take your meds when you need to! Take care.

Your friend...Karen

[Stallyn]

I am trying, I missed 2 days of my meds somehow, I been thinking alot about what has been awesome support and advice, here and my grief counselor. It feels like I am a square peg being pushed into a round hole, the square peg being all the hurt, sorrow, betrayal, and negative experiences, out becomes a rounded person with a new essence, outlook, appreciation and apprehension of my enemies, I bear the stripes of wisdom, experience and newfound love towards my wife and those who have reached out to my broken soul. my thoughts are this; why should it matter anymore the less, they failed to see what I am through a window than a reflection of themselves

on a dirt encrusted mirror? Why consort with them if they have not a single shred of who I was and am, Myrna loved me for what I am, unconditonally and without a single doubt, you are right, they were not happy with my bond with Myrna and they tried unsuccessfully in the end to destroy it, her final hours

before departing to her homeland, I remember today vividly, she didn't speak english no more, I was confused and hurt she didn't communicate to me, a friend of hers I remain a friend with, translated "Take care of William" to me, several times she said that, I realized how painful it was though she was still thinking of me at her last thought, through the drugs and pain, and the process of actively dying. I now know they will never, never take my memories or dignity away, ever. P.S. I hope to lose another 80 anchors of weight

Your friend,

William

[kayc]

I lost 16 lbs in the beginning but have since gained it back. I went through a not caring about my health (or anything) to wanting to take control of it, to letting it go again...I am just now at the point of wanting to seize the reins on my health again. It's an arduous process. We care about you and what you feel for those on this site is just understood, we all feel this way. It has truly been a lifesaver for us, as I've said many times and undoubtedly, will again. We wish you the best in dealing with your disease as well as your grief.

"I was confused and hurt she didn't communicate to me"

I don't think it's uncommon to lapse back into your native language when that ill. It's like doing what is most comfortable and easiest.

Edited June 5, 2007 by kayc

[Stallyn]

KayC.

Always a big thanks for your compassion, I don't know what I would do if I didn't land here, coming to understand if neglecting myself is doing a disservice to my late wife, I was always told to do what she wants, and knowing

she is watching me I don't wish to disappoint her as she did everything to keep

me in a safe place, I am lost without her, forced into a life of many unknowns. I still think to this day, this should have never happened to her, my hopes and dreams with her were shattered.

[karenb]

I know what you mean. I would have taken care of Jack forever but he's been called to do more wonderful things elsewhere. It also would have been selfish for me to have him here, so sick, just so I could be with him. We sure go through some very different emotions and feelings but it is good to know this group has so much caring and insightfulness in them. Take your meds, William!

Your friend....Karen