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Just Find It Hard To Leave The House


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Hi All,

As most of you know it has been two years since I lost my mom and almost two years since I lost my dad... I am finding it still very difficult to deal with certain things like returning to Bowmanville where I lived with my parents for twenty six years and visiting people who are friends of mine but just can not find away of going and seeing them... I have also cancelled out plans I have had with certain people and just want to stay at home... I go to the mall and go on walks but other than that I just want to be at home... If anyone else has gone through this please help???? It has been almost two years and I just feel like I am going backwards and not moving forward like I should be by now.... I still have very emotional outbreaks at bedtime two or three times a week as well Please help if you can Shelley

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You know, I don't know if I can help but I do want you to know I feel sad that you're having this bad time. Maybe it might help to just know that we're here for you and pray for your progress. I do hope some things have gotten better over these two years. It will be 2 years on July 27th that my husband died. I have tried very hard to find my way in this and it has gotten better but I will always miss him and love him. Try to take it easy and look for some good to come. Take care.

Karen

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Hi Shelley,

My posts seem to be thread-killers, so I'll try to keep this short(er).

Because I too find it difficult to accomplish certain things that I used to do with my wife--something as simple as watching a particular tv show, for instance, I've been reading your posts with interest. Fearing that I will sound preachy, I want to stress that I am moving along this recovery road at a snail's pace too, and this post is meant just as much for myself and is largely thinking out loud...except it's not out loud.;)

If you make plans and they don't work out, feel too difficult, or simply can't be done, do you have an alternate plan? Maybe something simpler, or more accessible? Plans with an almost guaranteed successful outcome might help. Setting yourself up for guaranteed success for something might help change things up for you. You've mentioned that things can be difficult at home, but that you want to spend most of your time there. To me, this sounds as if you could be in a rut of sorts, something I identify with completely. If you're in a pattern or situation of repeating disappointments, there may be no one else who can successfully address your status, and it might ultimately be up to you to make changes, as difficult as that may be.

Victor Frankl said, "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."

That sounds true to me, and I'm trying to take it to heart myself. If you see anything that speaks to you here, I hope you'll try it.

Steve

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Shelley,

I think Steven gave you some great ideas. The fact that you do go out for walks and to the mall is a good sign. I would rather stay at home too. Being around people is sometimes just too much for me. I think it's perfecty normal and two years is not that long in the grief process. I think it also depends on what kind of personality you had before the loss. If you were shy or reserved for example, I think it gets magnified when you suffer the kind of pain we are all going through. I also think it's hard to talk to anyone unless they have had the same experience and truly understand what you're going through. Don't be so hard on yourself...just go with the flow. I read somewhere that it's like being in the ocean. If you just let it carry you along, you'll be fine. If you try to swim against it, you'll wear yourself out and get nowhere! There is no timetable that says you have to be doing this or that by a certain time or you're not progressing! I can personally see that you have progressed a lot in the time I've "known" you. Just relax and do what feels right for you.

A big hug,

Shell

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Shell

I went through that the first 6 mos but i was having severe anxiety/panic attacks. i would shake uncontrolably and become sick to my stomach. after 2 weeks of no sleep, constant attacks, severe wt loss i decieded i wanted to live and asked for meds. i have been on them since jan and they have really helped. i think if i didn't take them i would not be writing this. i was in the darkest place a soul can go.i still have anxiety but they pass quickly and nothing like befoe. i still don't like to go everyplace but i do alot. i am proud of myself for knowing it was ok to ask for help. i hope this has helped. lori

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Thanks Everyone for your help,

I find just the fact of keeping promises to do things the worst right now.. For instance I said I would help with our church program during this weekend and I backed out because I just could not go and do it and I knew I could not do it.... I seem to speak before I think more now than I did before... I guess I will have to learn to listen to what my body is saying and not just my words.... I used to love to go and help with the children at church but now I just can not imagine me doing it.... During the summer my sister's family is at the cottage more on the weekends and now I have them to myself so maybe that is why I stay home so much because of the fact it is a comfort area and without the family it is a safe place for me... Take care All and thanks for the support and the kind words Shelley

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Lori,

I went through the same thing with the anxiety/panic attacks and went on meds too. Like you, I feel I couldn't function without them and they have helped me so much. I just find I'm soooo tired (but I know it's normal after everything that's happened in the past two and a half years!) and so being around people too much is just too taxing. I know what you mean about being proud about getting help, I feel that way too. I do everything I have to and am trying to work up to going out to do something just for the fun of it, but I really would rather be at home, where I can relax. But, I figure everything will happen all in good time...we tend to rush ourselves to get back to "normal", when it will never be the same as it was before, ya know? It takes time to get used to the new normal. Thanks.

Hugs,

Shell

Lori, I just realized you may have meant that post for Shelley, not me. If so, you got my two cents worth...hahaha.

Edited by shell
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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi All,

This week coming up the family will not be home and I think it will be good for me that I did decide to stay home because now I can find out how it is sort of like living alone... I will decide what I eat when I eat and what I will do and when I will do it... So Thank you all for your understanding and replies Take care Shelley

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Thank you Shell and Stallyn,

I too think it will be great to have time to myself... Right now though I am missing them ever so much... It is hard to believe I miss them and still want the time to myself... Take care Shelley

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi All,

Well the week started out kind of lonely and sad. By Tuesday my sister called and said they were coming home for the night my nephew had some kind of allergic reaction and needed his puffers so they came home for the night... The next day she called back up to the cottage and it was raining bad up there so she decide to stay in town another day... My sister and I were talking the first night she was home and she told me that Mackenzie my neice had a total melt down the night before they came home... Mackenzie really missed me and wanted mom to call and ask me to join them up there... The next day they did come home and she wrapped her arms around me and came me the biggest hug and said I love you... I gave her a pillow that you could add a picture to and put a picture of me in it and told her to hug it when she missed me... I did well for the most part of the week but did not sleep very much and found it hard to focus on any particular job I was doing... I was glad I stayed at home but was equally glad when they came home... I did go to Oshawa to visit my old boss's family for dinner and that was fun... My old boss is like having a second mom.... Take care Shelley

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Shelley,

Wow, that must have made you feel good, that your neice missed you so much. Maybe things will get better between you and your sister and her family. I think, all in all, the week went well for you and was good progress. You're getting there!

Hugs,

Shell

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Dear Shelley,

Isn't it wonderful that u have a niece who loves u so much? Children always have their unique ways of expressing their love. I remember, i got the most loving comfort from my 3-year old nephew when i was still waiting for some news about the status of my beloved husband's health. i was very very scared and anxious. i told him to come to me and if he could give me a hug, he willingly embraced me tightly and showered me with kisses...

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I've been watching what's been happening in your life lately and I'm so glad that things are better. I have a home business that keeps me on the computer a lot but I just wanted to tell you that. Keep going...you're doing great.

KarenB

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Hi Karenb,

It is nice to know that people care and I am one of the people who does not think that I am doing well so it is nice to know that I am doing better than I think... Take care and Thank you Shelley

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