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Very Lonely Right Now


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Hi All,

It is so very hard right now because I am so very lonely... My parents were everything to me and I just can not make myself get out there and make friends... Since I was younger I really did not have alot of friends and this is one of the reasons I have none now... I am just so shy... The lonely feels just wears me out and I feel like I am in a very deep hole....Shelley

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I know what you are feeling I am in that hole to. The night seem to make it even harder. I am getting 2 to 3 hours sleep and iam so drained that I can't remeber anything.The days are all the same. People say it will get better but I would like to know when, for I have had it. I just want things the way they where. I live my mom last day over and over thinkg i could and should have done something and now it's to last and i let her down and she is gone.

Tracey

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Shelley and Tracey,

I know how you feel too. I feel so lost without my mom. I go out to do the things I have to, and I take care of everything, and even try to have some fun, but I just feel like a huge hole is in my heart. I still can't believe that both my mom and dad are gone! I know things will never be the same in my life, but I have had to tell myself that I'm still here and I have to try to get on with my "new" life. I have gone to lunch and shopping with my neighbor several times (who is 84) because I know I have to get out and it also makes her happy to have something to do. I have been in contact with an old friend I haven't seem in awhile and we are getting together next week (he's my age). And there are others that I talk to or see once in awhile, of all ages. My point here is that I realized that friends don't have to be your age. Just connecting with other people, no matter what age they are, helps you to feel less lonely. So look around...there may be someone you wouldn't think of as a "friend" that might end up being one. I know it's hard. Sometimes I just want to be alone and also I don't really trust people much anymore. I have had several friends that proved they weren't friends, just when I needed them the most! That hurts. But take a chance and broaden your horizons and it will help you feel less lonely. Good luck!

Hugs,

Shell

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Shelley: Shell is right. You can never exactly replace what you lost but you can fill the hole with bits and pieces here and there just as a start.

Staying in the house gets to you and makes it worse. We dwell over and over on the same stuff here. Take a walk, go to a store, a movie. Rent them and have them sent by mail to you if you cannot get out. I don't drive, but I forced myself to make new connections. A lot fell flat, some give me a day/night out occasionally. It changes my perspective. That is the key. Getting a different perspective. I got Netflix and watch the movies I'm really interested in. If I lose concentration I don't miss the plot, I rerun it. I stop it when I want to. That feeling of control over my life helps too, because I can take it at my pace. Start anywhere. It doesn't make a difference where. You'll do it. Don't be hard on yourself. This is very very difficult. Doublejo

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Shelley

Just want you to know that i am always your friend and you always can come to this site and have us.

how about joining a group of some kind? maybe even volunteer work? sometimes doing for others help us. do you belong to a church? do they have any groups?

maybe even a part time job just to get your mind off things.

Remenber i am always here for you. Lori

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Shelley,

Doublejo had a very good point, about the feeling of control over your life. I realized recently that I am now in charge of my life totally. It hit me like a ton of bricks. But I also have found that with each decision I make, each hard thing I do, each new experience, that I am a little proud of myself that I got through it. Even tiny little things enpower you. So try to pick one little thing that might be a little bit hard or uncomfortable to do and go do it. You will feel more sure of yourself each time you do this. You have already tackled some fairly big things and done us all proud, so you will work through this too!

Hugs,

Shell

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I have been something of a hermit since Chandra's death too. But I am gradually adding little activities that get me out of the house. I walk the dogs every day, and that is wonderful therapy, but it's also something I do alone. To get out with other people I am volunteering two days a week to walk with developmentally challenged adults at a nearby center. It only takes an hour or so each day, so it doesn't require a huge time commitment. And I find it very helpful. I've even met a woman who I think I could become friends with. This is only a summer activity, so I decided to sign up to volunteer someplace else too. Next week I am going to the local library for an orientation. The library has always been special to me. Even as a child, it was a place I could go and lose myself in other worlds and other people's lives. These are small steps, as we talked about before, but each is another step forward.

There is a wonderful quote by Victor Frankl that you might find insightful as you look for ways to combat your loneliness: "When we can no longer change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves."

Deborah

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi All,

Does anyone else hate weekends as much as I do??? I just feel ill when I know the weekend is coming.... I literally made myself leave the house and go to the movies today... I went to see the new Harry Potter show... I did manage some good times throughout the day but at night it is so terrible... I have tried everything... I watch tv, listen to music, drink warm milk, exercise throughout the day so I am so tired I can fall asleep faster but nothing takes away the feel of pain and loneliness.... Shelley

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Shelley,

Nights can be hard. Or anytime when you can no longer distract yourself from thinking about your sadness. I've come to sort of just accept that I will always have that feeling of loss in my life and the sadness that comes with it, the emptiness. But I'm trying my best to get on with my life and try to fill my days with some joy. I don't always make it, but sometimes I do and I focus on my successes instead of my failures. I'm afraid that that's what they mean when they talk about learning to live with grief or loss. It's just that...learning to go on and live, even though it's always going to be a part of your life. I think we have to accept our sad moments and not make a big deal out of them, I mean not feel that we are hopeless or regressing, but that we are just going to have them. Just like we will have happy moments too. Just fully appreciate our feelings, no matter what they are. I'm not sure this is making any sense, but hope it helps. If it's one thing I've learned it's that life is going to constantly change, but on the bright side, it's also will change for the good from time to time, so hang onto that thought.

Hugs,

Shell

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I hate week-ends, too- I hate Friday afternoons when everybody at work is saying see you Monday- Have a good week-end......... Sometimes I want to scream at the top of my lungs HOW CAN I HAVE A GOOD WEEK-END MY MOM IS DEAD!

I have not gotten to the point of trying to do something for myself, yet- I just do household chores and take care of my dad the best I can.......... I really do not feel like I do anything well, anymore- it is like the old saying a lick and a promise- you do a little and promise to come back to it one day....

There was the carnival, this past week-end, it comes once a year and my family kept on asking me if I was going to go- Mom and I never missed this event- I did not go- I have realized, if I do not feel comfortable I am not going to force myslef to do it- right now.

I also am disappointed in people that I thought were friends, that have just gone on the merry way- that I felt like should have acknowledged my circumstances...these people are in my church group-

Shell,

Do you feel like, going through your dad's death first has helped you to deal with your mom's easier? I hope you don't miss understand me.... you just seem to have it so much more together than me, I know people deal with death different- but I seem to be going backwards- and I do want to do better.

My mom and I went shopping every week-end..... just where ever we wanted to go- now, I can not go into a store without breaking down- I just can't do it. I have no desire to do it.....

I don't even want to deal with the holidays........I don't want Thanksgiving, or Christmas this year........ I have grandchildren, I can't even think about putting up a tree, right now- it makes me sick to my stomach to think about the holidays!

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Rosanne,

I think that going through my dads death did help me, yes. I already knew what to expect, as far as the stages of grief and all that. I was exactly the same way with my mom as you were. She was the most important person in my life and I'm even surprised how well I'm doing. I think that one thing that has helped too is that my mom was really "gone" from the day my dad died, so it was almost as if I started grieving for her then, if that makes any sense. And I also had to be "on my own" from that day forward, even though we were still together 24 hours a day. There were moments when she was almost herself and I cherish those and yet at the same time they make it sadder. Like being given a fabulous gift and then having it snatched away.

I think the main thing that has kept me "together" (because believe me, I have horrible moments when I fall apart) is that I know she didn't want to live anymore. She said so and I know she meant it. So, when I get really down, I remind myself that she didn't want to live like that anymore and I can only pray that she is now at peace. And, of course, that she isn't in pain and sick anymore helps. All of this has happened for two and a half years (and I had so many others that died too) that I guess after awhile you just find some sort of peace with it, in between the misery.

Don't feel like you are not getting anywhere with your grief progress. It takes a long time and you will go up and down...the old rollercoaster ride we talk about so much! I was eating cantaloupe tonight and started crying because it was one of my moms favorite fruits! So I may seem to be together, but I also put on a good show sometimes. I'm telling you this because I don't want you to think you are not "doing well". That may be another thing, now that I think about it. I tend to shut off my feelings and go through what I have to do like everything is alright, and then I'm crying over the cantaloupe! But sometimes we have to pretend, to get through the rough times. What's the old expression, "fake it until you can make it"?

Anyway, hope something here helps. You are doing fine...really. You will get there when you are ready

HUGS

Shell

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Roseanne

I agree if you can't do something don't push yourself. only do what you can at that time. i stopped worrying what people said, i learned that they just don't know what to say so they somehting totally stupid.

I was my moms caregiver for 18 mos. she was completely bedridden and could not even eat on her own . her mind was there, her body gone. for me this made it harder because for so long i was her round the clock nurse and then she was gone. i was totally exhausted mentally and physically so people would say oh it should be a relief. well it wasn't i would give anything to have one more day of round the clock nursing.

from the time she died july 3 2006 til about march of this yr i was a total mess. i put my mask on and went out into the world but inside of was lost. i say it was the darkest time of my life. i was having severe anxiety / panic attackts and i use to wait in fear for another one. i finally had to go on meds which have helped me greatly. i never had the attacks before my therapist and dr said the stress of lossing my mom just pushed me over. i also have lost my family. we don't speak , i have 4 brothers and sisters and no contact. in away it is good b/c the relationships were strained. some of them don't talk among themselves. i can from a very dysfunctional family. but however there are the time i just needed them so, i need someone to talk about mom to. my husband and boys are wonderful but they didn't grow up with her. i just miss her so, i am crying now.

anyway i am just saying take it day by day, the sun does start to come out and the pain does get easier. i think we finalyy realize our lives will never be the same and we find the strength to go on with that knowledge.

take care of yourself. Lori

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Lori-

I feel your pain. The only thing that keeps me even half way sane, is knowing that my precious mother does not have to live one more day in this life- life can be good but, it can also suck- and she was always trying to make everything alright for everyone and you can not do that in this lifetime!

Thank goodness, this is just a short journey we are on- and one day we will be better. Do you ever feel like your mom just vanished? I know that sounds totally crazy but, that is how I feel sometimes, I just pray that she is happy ----- No one deserves it more than her...

God Bless YOU

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Rosanne,

I forgot to mention another thing that is helping me. Like Lori, I am taking an antidepressant, Lexapro. I have suffered from panic attacks on and off since I was young, and when my dad died, I started having panic attacks constantly. After a week and a half I had to admit to myself that I couldn't handle it myself. I called my doctor and he put me on Lexapro. Like Lori said, it was just too much to handle. They saved my life, I swear.

Today was the 2 month anniversary of her death. I kept it together pretty well...a couple of crying jags and a long talk to her, but ok, I guess. Like you, I just hope she's happy and you said it best, that no one deserves it more than her. We both had wonderful moms and I just try to do my best, because I know that's what she would do.

Hugs,

Shell

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Lori,

I am so sorry for your lose... and also sorry that you have problems with your siblings. God bless you...

I understand what you are saying- I am up and at work.......but I am just here in body, everything is like that- my mind my heart nothing is connected right now.... People say stuff like God is good and he will sustain you- and he won't put more on you than you can handle... I know all of that, Lori-

but, when they say stuff like that I just want to scream and say IS YOUR MOTHER STILL LIVING- HAS YOUR WORLD BEEN RIPPED APART- UNTIL THAT HAPPENS TO YOU, WHAT YOU ARE SAYING TO ME IS NO COMFORT!

Mom's birthday is Sat. and right now, I feel like just staying in bed all day!

I am trying to take care of an invalid dad that has a kind heart, but only thinks of himself........ He has issues..... and if he is not considerate of me enough to go to bed by 10:30- so I can go to bed to get up at 5:30 for work, I don't know what I am going to do. I AM EXHAUSTED! mentally.........

I will pray for you, please pray for me

Shell,

I am trying to take that same med. you are on and it does seem to help, some. I had a fight with dad last night, and walked out! I don't know how things will end up..... I am tired of all of this and see no end in sight- my life sucks!

Please, pray for me

Rosanne

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Rosanne,

I'm glad the medication is helping. I'm also glad to hear that you walked out on your father. I know that sounds awful and cold, but it is a really important step. At this point you have to take care of yourself and if that means walking out when your dad is being difficult to deal with, then that's what you must do. My mom had Alzheimers and would get really ugly with me. I used to argue and cry and let it get me really down. I finally learned to "walk out" (I lived with her, so it would be just to go to another room) and try to remember it was the disease talking, not her. I don't know if your father is the way he is because of something like Alzheimers or if he's always been this way, but in either case, you have to help him without letting it demolish you. You have to be selfish about taking care of yourself...honestly, you do. And it's not really selfishness. You can't take care of him at all if you become exhausted and sick, so you're really helping him too. I've been where you're at and it's a rough, exhausting, guilt-filled road, but if I learned anything, it was that I had to take breaks when I needed them. So try to take good care of yourself too!

Hugs,

Shell

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I agree with Shell about taking care of yourself. this is something i never did and i think it really effected me alot. i tried to do everything and by the end i was a wreck. then my mom dies and it just whamed me in the face. the pain of her loss, the loss of a family and me being so exhuated mentally. physically, emotionally and even spiritually. i was the worst i could ever be. keep trying rosanne, we are all here for you. take care of you. Lori

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi All,

I am much better now, I am not feeling as lonely... I only feel really lonely now at bedtime or if I am in the house alone... So when I can I leave the house and go out for a walk or go to the movies or go shopping... I have seen some great movies lately... When I can not go out or it is really late I get involved in a movie and fall asleep that way... Take care Shelley

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Did not have a good week-end at all....

Starting the week staying with dad.... I am tired-

He has his mind, but dad as good hearted as he is is very selfish, my mom was never that way....she always put herself last. He sleeps during the day and wants to stay up at night-then he won't go to bed until 12:00 p.m. I can not sleep with the T.V. being up so loud- I keep telling him to turn it down.............. Any suggestions?

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