I've Never Felt More Alone In My Life

[Tori]

I’ve been reading these forums off and on for over a year but seldom post. Many times I’ve gained the strength to continue to exist by coming here. I’m desperately in need of someone who gives a damn and this is my last resort. It’s taken me weeks to get up the courage to write this!

May 1 2006 at 12:05 AM, The unthinkable happened. I clung tightly to the hand of my husband of 53 years as he breathed his last breath. Numb with grief and loss I sat motionless as the hospice nurse made the arrangements for his body to be removed and left my daughters and I to make the final arrangements.

Previously we’d discussed cremation with the girls and unable to make even the smallest decision, I left the arrangements up to them. At that moment I couldn’t bear the thought of planning a funeral. I had no desire to see or talk to anyone much less attend another funeral! There have been too many funerals of loved ones in recent years and I’d come to think of them as meaningless barbaric rituals.

There was no funeral, though family and friends did come by, the church members brought food and I sat in a corner. I don’t even remember who was here and only spoke to two longtime friends who I hadn’t seen in ages. My husband’s ashes still sit in a box on my mantle and I’ve only recently decided that after I’m gone my family can put both of our ashes together in a cemetery space made especially to hold the ashes. (I’ve given it so little thought I don’t even know the proper name.)

In the first months after my husband’s death, I managed to take care of the necessary paperwork with the help of my daughters and struggled to keep going somehow. A couple of months after his death I had a close call with a far distant relative on drugs who'd entered my home with the intention of robbing me and doing me bodily harm. I was only saved by the arrival of my daughter and 6'4 son-in law. This episode led to even more fears and mistrust of my own judgement and led to the installation of a security system.

Sadly I’ve managed to outlive all my longtime friends and I have no one my own age to talk to. The last remaining friend I have (my husband’s sister) lies in a hospital hooked up to a respirator and I can’t even force myself to go see her.

For the following year my life consisted of the occasional meal out, sometimes with family but usually alone with a book, and shopping every couple of weeks out of necessity. I can’t or won’t drive anywhere beyond five miles from my home. The rest of the time I’m shut up alone in a dark house either on the computer, reading a book or sleeping. Most of my sleep is in the daytime since I go to bed around 3 or 4 am and get up between 7:30 and 8.

Since my oldest daughter passed away just before Christmas in 1993, I’ve dreaded the holidays every year. This last Christmas with a 3 year old great grandson to enjoy, I’d finally begun to become more aware of the world around me and even put up a tree.

Things were looking up a little!

Just before Christmas my youngest daughter who has diabetes and Rheumatoid arthritis began having bouts of vomiting and excruciating pain. She’d previously had many abdominal surgeries and hernias and the probable diagnosis was another hernia. Another surgery was not an option and she was treated with tons of medication! For three months she couldn’t get out of bed except to go to the doctor, who simply changed her medication!

The pain and nausea was so extreme that she lost 70 pounds. After the 3rd time she was rushed to the hospital in agony, the decision was made that even though she was a surgeon’s worst nightmare—surgery was the only option.

The surgeon informed us that if she lived through the surgery she would have a long recovery ahead of her. This was in April of this year.

This is when I gave up on trying to have any sort of a normal life. I knew that if my daughter didn’t survive, I wouldn’t either! Within days of coming home from the hospital her incision opened and she has had to pack and treat it every day with very little progress.

Then she had fluid build up around her heart due to the rheumatoid arthritis and had to have a shunt put in to remove the fluid. That surgery site became infected with the antibiotic resistant strain of MRSA, which required massive doses of extremely strong antibiotics. She’s suffering extreme pain in that surgery site and is on morphine constantly.

The doctors have told her that until her rheumatoid arthritis is under control, she will not heal as she should and yet the treatments for the arthritis interfere with healing.

She’s had to begin IV treatments for the arthritis so she can even manage to get back and forth to the doctors.

While this has been going on with my daughter; the spare old car that I’ve been letting my granddaughter use was stolen and she had to use mine to get back and forth to work.

My granddaughters husband who hasn’t worked in 4 years has been hospitalized with three bouts of the antibiotic resistant disease MRSA and has finally been diagnosed with posttraumatic stress syndrome, not military related. His psychiatrist has declared him unsafe to care for their now 4-year-old child any longer. He’s not a bad person or into drugs or alcohol, just mentally ill.

My granddaughter has developed a severe case of asthma and has suffered a couple of recent bouts of pneumonia due to the stress. Since she’s the only one contributing to the household the entire burden is on her.

The four year old has also suffered three bouts of hospitalization with MRSA and has developed severe behavioral problems due to his dad’s mental illness. He has been put into day care for the last four months and has shown quite a bit of improvement though he too will need extensive counseling.

With the cost of the counseling, hospitalizations and repairs on the car which was thankfully returned but written off as a total loss, there is no money for the greatgrandson’s daycare. It’s wracking up on my credit card and there’s no means of repayment in sight. The cost is $640 a month and I’m paying $300 but I can’t continue or I won’t be able to support myself. She informed me today that she would have to take him out of daycare. But there is no one to watch him but his dad and this could actually endanger his life and will most certainly tremendously increase both of their emotional problems.

Now my daughter faces another immediate surgery to close the incision.

If my husband were here we’d figure this out together but as it is I can’t take any more heartache and there isn’t a soul in the world that gives a damn. I have absolutely no one that I can talk to about this. My phone doesn’t ring unless it’s my granddaughter calling to check up on me and share her concerns, my daughter calling to tell me she’s in the hospital again or my other daughter that lives 150 miles away calling for her weekly check in.

If I weren’t here, they could sell my house and the great-grandson could go to a private school and get the counseling he so desperately needs, and I wouldn’t have to be here to watch my daughter go through this endless suffering.

My faith wouldn’t even allow me to think about suicide, but I’d just be happy if I had another human being in my life that wasn’t so close to the situation and actually gives a damn!

[AnnieO]

Tori,

I wish I had some helpful advice or comforting words. All I can say is that I care, and you are in my thoughts and prayers. As a daughter who struggles with a chronic illness, I can't tell you how much I depended on my mom's love and caring, your daughter needs you, your grandchild needs you. I lost my mom in Dec and my dad died yesterday, while I cannot begin to understand your loss , I just wanted to let you know I care.

[suzanne]

Tori

I am so sorry for the loss of your dear husband and daughter and your youngest daughters illness. Just know that I care and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I can not even imaging the pain you are going through with so many heartaches. I don't know if I would have the strength to endure what you have. But just try to hang in there for your family. I'm sure they love you so and need you now. Please keep up the courage to write again.

Suzanne

[Corinne]

Tori,

I am so sorry for all of your losses and the health problems your family are going through. I can offer my prayers for you and your family for these things. As for the child care for your great-grandson there may be a program in your state to pay for it. Here in PA it is called coordinated child care. You may be able to find info for help out there through the welfare office in your area. I hope this is a little bit of help to ease some of your pain.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family!

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne

[dpodesta]

Tori,

I am saddened to hear of the difficulties you are facing, that is a lot to cope with on top of grieving. Pleae know that we are here for you anytime you need to vent and I am sure there will be some helpful advise as well. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Annieo,

So sorry to hear about your dad, especially so short after the loss of your mom, you will also be in my prayers.

Love always

Derek

[walter/Erica]

AnniO I am so sorry to hear about you losing your parents in such a short space of time. Tori my heart goes out to you. Your grief is so complicated . I wish there was something I could do....I sense that we are all going thru a really bad time in our grief...

[karenb]

Hi Tori...

Your life has seen tremendous difficulties, and I'm so sorry about that. Being married for 53 years must have been wonderful, ups and downs, I know, but wonderful, and you must miss him so much. It's obvious your children and grandchildren need you so much, you must be the "rock" that holds them all together. Just reading the comments made here must let you know that we care, we understand and pray for things to improve for you and your family. Please come back, Tori, and let us know how things are going.....take care of yourself.

Your friend, Karen

[northern duke]

Tori,

I don't think I've ever identified more with anything that anyone has said to me than with what you've said in the last sentence of your post.

Edited October 4, 2007 by northern duke