Nothings Getting Better

[Teri]

This is only my second time posting and I'm still not sure if i'm doing it right. My husband passed away of stomach cancer 2 1/2 years after his diagnosis. He has been gone since May 19th @ 905pm. He was 51 years old. Every year Michael would say that he wanted to get a new snowblower. Seems like I always managed to talk him out of it. I feel so bad now. He never really asked for anything and now he's gone. I feel so guilty about so many things. I'm a nurse and I should know something. i should have made him see the dr sooner. He was losing weight but on a diet. Although, when the weight kept coming off I knew something wasnt right. I did everything I could for him. He was in the hosp for three weeks after his 1st surg (17 1/2 hrs), and an emerg 2nd surg a week later. I would go to the hosp at 830 every morn and stay until I had him settled for the night 9-10 pm. It's not that I didnt trust the floor nurses, but they have a heavy load and I knew noone could take care of him like I could. We had a good year in between all the treatments and I know I should be thankful, but I dont remember alot about the day he passed and I cant remember what we said to each other. My 3 boys and I were all with him in his final moments. Even our dog was there. The hospice nurse wanted to transfer him to a hospice bed , but he didnt want to go and i didnt want him to go. He passed away in his chair. The chair he spent so many hours in watching baseball and football with the boys, reading the paper, sitting with the dog, watching tv or one of our favorite movies with me. I know I should be thankful, but I cant get his last 3 breathes of life out of my head. I hear them all the time. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy. I miss him so much. My life is so empty and I am so alone no matter how many people are around me. I feel like I will never be happy again or even just "not sad". I would settle for not sad. Please someone tell me I'm not crazy.

Teri

Edited November 4, 2007 by Teri

[Gail_R]

Teri my name is Gail and my husband Bruce passed away on Jan 20 of this year. I'm here to tell you that you are not crazy. You here Michael's last three breaths and I see Bruce laying in the snow with his eyes wide open just staring into space and that is a look I will never stop seeing as long as I live. My husband was a few years older then yours he was 53. We had no signs that there was anything wrong with him he walked out of the curling rink to get my hair clip and died. Like you I feel guilty maybe if I didn't said him to go out to the truck he would still be here or maybe if I didn't say hey lets but a team in with the kids and go curling this would not have happened but it did and I cann't change it just have to learn to live with it and that is one of the hardest things I have ever have to do. Bruce and I where married for 30 1/2 years and have 3 grown kids. I thank god every day that he brought Bruce and I together. Sorry for going on so much just wanted to let you know that you are not a lone we at this site have all gone through this with the guilt and the should haves woulds haves and could haves. So just know that we will be here for you come and post and say anything that is on your mind and we will help the best that we can. Gail

[suzanne]

Teri

It is still so soon for you. You are not crazy. My husband Will died on March 2nd of a septic infection and internal bleeding. He was 61. Like you, I will never get the image of the last heart beat on the monitor out of my mind. I just wanted to reach out and say stop. If I had not found my way to this website I don't think I would have made it. I see people here who have been on this journey longer and I believe from their postings it will get to where it won't be so raw and fresh. We all have times we wished we had said something else or did something different. Be patience with yourself. You are not alone.

Suzanne

[karenb]

Hi Teri,

My name's Karen and I hope you continue coming back here. These people are so understanding and caring and it helps to talk with others who are feeling just as you do. Of course, you're not crazy, just going through a mix of emotions and feelings. I'm glad you have the boys to help you through this, children are a blessing. I have a lady friend whose husband passed away 6 years ago and she still feels sad, mine passed away a little over two years ago, and I feel sad. Our guys had "their" chairs, huh? I sit in Jack's chair all the time - it's so comfortable and "well worn." It's so hard, I know, but we all will keep of plugging forward.....we have to. Come back and let us know how you're doing.

Your friend, Karen

[Teri]

my oldest son, 20, spoke at Michael's funeral and ended with "noone will ever fill that dent in his chair". Sometimes I sit in it and close my eyes and imagine him hugging me. To say that the chair is comfortable is an understatement.

[LarrysGirl]

Teri, I know you are hurting. It is difficult to lose the one we love, our partner, our best friend. What you are feeling and thinking is part of the grief journey and it does take alot of time. You do feel crazy, but your are not. I used to think, just let me go insane, it would feel better than this. I still feel disbelief and will be at the 2 yr. mark very shortly. I've had a very hard time adjusting and don't know if I ever will. You aren't going to be able to make sense of much for a while, so just keep writing here and reading the replies and support. There is plenty of understanding and love on this site. Deborah

[Art]

Hi Teri,

I honestly don't know if you are crazy or not. I do know if you are crazy then I certainly am. I too am new to this site. I lost my wife in an auto accident on February 28th of this year. I went to work that morning without even telling her how much I loved her. About an hour later came the call. I never got to say another word to her or hear another word from her.

We had been married for 34 years and I swear she never asked for much of any thing and never complained that we couldn't afford a lot of things. She was completely devoted to me and our daughters.

I now feel so guilty about all the things I could never give her and will never be able to now. I feel guilty if I catch myself enjoying anything. I can't watch the ball games that she and I loved so much. I never see a moment that she is not on my mind. I'm sad and lonely all the time. I don't know how to turn it around.

People tell me it will get better and I pray it does. Right now all I can do is try to stay in faith and keep on believing that God will lead me out of this cold, crazy, painful world and into something warm and meaningful. I pray that for you too.

[kayc]

Teri,

Welcome to this site, you have found a good group of caring people here. I am so sorry you lost your husband, it is the hardest thing in the world, but you will get through this. I'm glad he had you and your children, and even your dog with him when the time came. I go away once a year with my sisters, and as luck would have it, that's the weekend my husband had his heart attack...I lost him just after his 51st birthday.

You feel you should have known, yet you also know you did all you could. I think it's common for us to wish we'd have done something different, but in actuality, we all did all we could. No, you aren't crazy, your feelings are entirely understandable and normal for these abnormal circumstances. I wish you the best as you progress through your grief journey.

KayC