Web Of Tears & Fears

[akhockeymom]

I lost my oldest son on July 20th 2007 when a car hit him while he was out riding his 4 wheeler. He was out just having a good time and bam he was taken away from us. My 17 year old son was just gone. We were all together that day having a wonderful day and then the world came to a stop for us all. A car going 65-70 mph not paying attention to the road did not see my 6 foot 2 son on a red bike with his brother on a yellow bike and a friend on a red bike with dust coming out with them, she did not slow down.She hit so hard it crushed his whole left side. Lucky for us he had his helmet on and he looked great. No blood. He lived for awhile on that road side. His brother begging him to hold on. The boy that was with them raced to the cabin screaming that Brandon had been hit by a car and I fell to the ground, his dad got to him with in minutes. I just could not go. That was my baby. My best friend. My first born. I would have made things worse. Had I known I would have. I would have placed my son in the SUV and taken him to the hospital a few miles down the road, but hin site gets us no where. It took the ambulance 45 minutes to get there. They could not get it started.....When they finally got there, I was there with him at that time-he was pretty much gone-(brain dead?, they kept his heart going but there was not enough oxygen going in) they got him in the ambulance and the damn thing dead twice in route to the hospital only 35 miles out.

My middle son, Jeremie, sitting with his oldest brother,Brandon, crying to have his brother "just hold on." What a memory that poor child will carry for the rest of his life. At 14 he will live with that. As a mother I carry that too. I lost a son, my other one carries the heavy heart that he could not "save" his brother and their youngest one, Codie, who is 10 carries the worry that it was his fault that mom and dad were not there for Brandon because we had to go back to the cabin early because he crashed he bike and we left the "pit" early to take him back to the cabin to take care of him and left the boys. Pretty messed up huh? It was a day...... It started out with such wonder. It was so happy and they were all getting along. I took so many photos that day. What a great day it was.

I miss out on graduation. He was a senior. Honors. I am trying to get them to let him graduate. The school did not have a problem but the school board does. He took the exit exam. He has 18.5 credits. Honors classes. The school is letting me get his tassles, cap, honors ropes. But the school board will not let his name be read or let me have his diploma. But I will keep fighting it. He is dead what will it hurt. I just think he worked so damn hard just let me have it. Even if it is just a "honorary degree" for his family.

I cry so much right now it is not funny. I miss my son. The holidays make it hurt more. He should be here. He was a good kid. There is so much evil in the world why do our good ones have to be taken away from us? It just does not seem fair. If everything happens for a reason, I would really like to know what the hell the reason for all of us having to lose our wonderful children is and the evil people who kill and rape that get to live is? Because that just does not seem to make a whole lot of sense to me or any of us.

We work so hard to keep them safe and to teach them to be good people. It does not seem fair. This really hurts. I have lost my father, grandparents, and my cousin but nothing hurts as much as losing a child. The pain that burns inside so deep.

[MartyT]

My dear one,

I'm so very sorry for your loss of your beloved son Brandon, and I can only imagine the depth of your pain. You're so right ~ it isn't fair ~ there is nothing fair about it, and even if "everything happens for a reason," there is absolutely no reason in the world that will ever make this right. We are not supposed to outlive our children, are we?

I also cannot understand the incredible insensitivity (dare I say ignorance?) of your school board members. I think they may need some education and enlightenment about dealing more effectively with the death of a classmate in their school. (See, for example, Encouraging Your School to be Grief Friendly.)

I hope by now that you have found your way to The Compassionate Friends, whose mission is to assist and support families in the aftermath of the death of a child. You will find links to this and many other helpful resources on the Death of a Child or Grandchild page of my Grief Healing Web site. See also the links listed on my site's Child, Adolescent Grief page, as you may find some of them helpful in assisting Jeremie and Codie with their grief.

At the very least, know that you are most welcome here, and know too that you are being held by all of us in gentle thought and prayer.

[rosanne]

akhockeymom,

First of all let me tell you how truly sorry I am for your loss.

I lost my mother June 10, 2007- You are so right, life is not fair, why do criminals people that do not even know they are in the world still breath?

I do not know the answer to that. I know when I go to my mom's grave, there is a town drunk that is usually walking down the road, or shall I say swaying all over the road- and I think WHY??? WHY??? are you still breathing and my precious angel is gone... There are no answers in this lifetime!

I was in church and the preacher talked of the holidays and how hard they would be on people that have had loss (we have had a lot in our comm. this past year) of course, I cried all the way through the service, my feelings are still so raw. He talked about loosing a child and how that was the hardest and most painful thing to ever go through in life, when I looked across the congregation I saw a middle aged couple that lost their daughter two years ago to suicide and they just hung their heads as he spoke.... I felt so for them...... There really are no answers, there is no right way or wrong way- you just have to go through it! You just get tired of always being sad and there being no joy in your life. I pray that you have a very supportive family and friends- that will help you..

This is a good place to come, there is a lot of support and love here.

I am thinking about you!

Rosanne

[AnnieO]

Hockeymom

I am so sorry about Brandon. I just wanted you to know I will keep you and your family in my thoughts. I hope you can convince the school board to let you walk across that stage and get the diploma your son worked so hard for.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss.

[Dolores (forever Sean's Mom)]

akhockey mom

I am so sorry for the loss of your son. Yes I do know of your pain. I lost my only child Sean March 5th, 2007. It will be 9 months Dec. 5th. This is my first Christmas without him in 18 years. You are right its not fair. He was also one of the good kids. Going to college, working. Everything going for him in his life. He had to have that motorcycle. His dad and I didn't want him to get it, but he said mom I'll be okay. He had it 2 weeks and that was his third time on it. I knew in my mothers heart that was going to happen. See he and I also were mother and son , friends. He was the light of my life. Keep up your fight for his honors. You as his mom should have the honor of hearing his name called and going up to get his diploma. I had that. But I'll never have anybody that has my blood in their veins, no grandchildren, no one ever to call me Mom again. I know its not right. It's just not. The light went out of our lives that evening. It will never be the same. Walking wounded is what we are. I know Sean has pushed me to do things, I never thought i would do. I just don't know why I'm still going. But I am. My saying now is "Living Life For Sean". I plan to see my son again some day. That is my reason to go on, I guess. I will keep you in my prayers, believe me from someone who didn't pray alot, I wouldn't still be here without them.

It has got some easier, but then you feel the guilt because you forgot for maybe a few minutes. But I prayed for god to help with this unbearable pain. I guess the saying is we are never happy huh!

Hugs and Prayers

Dolores (forever Sean's MOM)

[karenb]

My heart goes out to you....I cannot imagine that kind of loss. I am so very sorry. I have 3 children and I can't imagine losing any one of them. Again, I am so very sorry. I just really don't know what to say...I just shake my head. I'll pray for the peace you all need. So sorry!

Karen

[chandrasmom]

I haven't posted here in awhile, but something brought me back. Probably the holiday season. Everyone is so merry, and all I want is to get through it. My 36-year-old daughter died February 9, 2007. This has been the hardest year of my life with many ups and downs. People have started telling me it's time to move on, but to me that sounds like they don't want me to remind them of my loss anymore. Soon I will have to get through the 1-year anniversary of her death. I am trying to "move on", but I'm still so sad so much of the time. It's difficult to find joy, to feel normal, to return to my life. There are days when I feel better, but there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of her several times. The couple of weeks before Christmas I felt like I had taken giant steps backwards. I cried almost every day, sometimes over stupid stuff. I started telling people not to drop a hat cuz I'd probably cry over it. Since I've managed to survive Christmas I'm not so weepy. But I'm dreading February 9.

No matter how many years we had with our children, there weren't enough. Nobody can understand how much this hurts unless they have walked in our shoes.

[DesertBob]

It must be our charming wit and magnetic personalities.

Welcome back. Don't be a stranger ... pop in often. It helps.

Don't let people's impatience with your grief control you. You're doing the right thing, feeling what there is to feel as it comes up.

Remind us all when Feb approaches, won't you? We'll gather around and circle the wagons for you.

Best,

--Bob

I haven't posted here in awhile, but something brought me back.

[chandrasmom]

Thanks for the "welcome back" Bob. I think the reason I drifted away is because I find the message board format cumbersome, though the people are charming and witty. I have trouble remembering where I posted and which topics I've already read. I was part of a similar format for caregivers of loved ones with cancer and found that one difficult to keep up with as well. Fortunately, a small group of us from that site formed an email group, which is nice because they are all just there when I check my messages. We have listened to and supported one another through the deaths of several of our loved ones. Being able to talk with others who have been through this helps more than anyone who hasn't needed it will ever know.

Deborah