Fighting My Feelings

[Mrcelloboy]

I just need share this with those who may understand and possibly be able to help me see my way to the other side of this.

At work, when I'm not occupied with tasks, I sometimes stare out the window and want to just float away. I sometimes fear that someone is going to "call me" on doing what seems like barely anything, and I'll lose my job, my home, etc. and fall into a REAL depression.

I find it hard to truly appreciate the gifts that I DO have in life. A wonderful son, friends, family, even another love in my life. I feel like I need to push away sadness as self-indulgence; that I'm just ruining my own happiness by what feels like wallowing in self-pity.

YES, I wish I could be back where I was a little over a year ago, with Kathy, and not have to be dealing with all these changes. Yes, I know I can't. Why is is so darn hard to really, truly appreciate what I DO have? Or maybe what I do experience as happiness these days is all I'm capable of for now.

At times I just want to curl up into a ball and disappear, but all I seem capable of is a short cry now and then, and more feeling sorry for myself.

Maury

[Corinne]

Maury,

What you are feeling is totally normal. I was at my therapist yesterday and I told her exactly what you just said. She said not to be so hard on myself, it does take time to heal, especially when our loved ones die in a traumatic way.

So, don't be so hard on yourself, it is normal and it is just another step in the grieving process. This time of year seems to bring on more of these feelings than normal. We just need to remember to take one day at a time and we will get through this.

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne

[suzanne]

Maury

I understand. I have hosted many a pity party for myself. Had to change my withholding to single yesterday for the coming year. I never would have thought something so simple would hit me so hard but it brought on such a fresh new wave of grief. The reality, the holidays, the isolation, the agony, the exhaustion, the absolute raw feelings of a fresh wound opened and the outside world can't see the wound. Only those of us who are there know it. I could not make it without each of you. I know I have much to be thankful for and I am trying so hard to focus on it. It's a rainy, gloomy day here and I suppose that adds to it. I wish I could sleep through these coming days until Jan 2 - but sleep is not my friend right now.

Suzanne

[Mrcelloboy]

Thanks Suzanne.

I'm sorry for your loss. As you probably also experience, when we are able to lend a hand to others it gets us out of our own grief if just for a moment.

Maury

[kayc]

Suzanne, be prepared to have a way smaller check, it hit me when I had to do that and I got about $100/month less and could ill afford it. I don't understand why the government punishes us like this when we're already down.

Maury, your feelings are very normal, but they will get better. I know we're all tired of hearing it, but it takes so much time...

KayC

[suzanne]

KayC

Oh my gosh. I'm glad you warned me. Can we claim head of household if we own our home? I thought I read that in the form. Maybe that would help some. You are so right, Social security and government really takes its bite on you when you are down. Proclaiming your maritial status when in our hearts we are still married.

Suzanne

[Criskz]

Maury,

I've been feeling the exact same way lately...I'll I want to do is dissapear, just vanish, stop being me. If I could just only sleep all day long. I also don't quite undestand why I'm finding it so hard to be greatfull for what I do have. This week was one of the hardest week for me in a long time...it's like a dark cloud has come over me..and I don't even know why, this week I got a promotion in my job, I got a salary increase and i got a bonus...I should be soo happy and gratefull, but I'm just not. I've just been crying all week feeling sorry for myself and being really rude at work everybody. I'm soo angry...what the heck is wrong with me!?

[karenb]

Maury,

I do that staring thing and Jack's been gone for over a year now. I do it out my garden window and when my black lab, Sadie Mae, sees me do that she barks and nudges me with her nose....I come back then. It's such a wonderful comfort to have a loving pet. You're going to be fine. Try a little bit of positive thinking, even if it is hard, it does help and if you're consistent it can become a very healing habit. Just hang in there, you're doing what we all do.

Your friend, Karen

[LarrysGirl]

Maury, I wanted to add that I'm sure you are grateful for what you have but you are grieving and thats going to take time. Even as life progresses grief has its own time table and it wouldn't be normal for you to feel any different than you are. I know its difficult, so try not to be too hard on yourself. Deborah

[DesertBob]

I do know that you can still file jointly in the tax year in which your spouse dies. After that ... I'm not sure what "head of household" constitutes. Linda walked me through the taxes the past couple of years but this will be my first solo flight ... Turbo Tax is my friend.

--Bob

KayC

Oh my gosh. I'm glad you warned me. Can we claim head of household if we own our home? I thought I read that in the form. Maybe that would help some. You are so right, Social security and government really takes its bite on you when you are down. Proclaiming your maritial status when in our hearts we are still married.

Suzanne

[DesertBob]

I do so much staring / thinking / pondering that it's not funny. Fortunately I work 100% from home and as long as I get my work done for a fair price I'm not going to get in trouble for it. I am not as efficient / effective as I should be, but don't find that unexpected at this point.

I see all this as perfectly normal, though. There is so much to absorb and adjust to, and it would be so unhealthy to drive it underground.

Depression -- everyone is different, but you have to allow for the difference between clinical depression and reactive depression. Any sane person would be depressed (and demotivated) by grief. It's a natural, healthy response. Give yourself time. If it's really bad, get on some meds short term to help you over the hump. If you are prone to clinical depression you're probably already on meds, but that won't prevent you from feeling worse in response to loss.

--Bob

[teny]

I was so desperate when I started reading todays post.It did not help not finding any positive message but in a way I found that im not the only one loosing my mind.Holidays are hard and wish you all strength and more hope for the coming year.TENY

[kayc]

Suzanne,

I think filing head of household is for those with minor children at home.