Guest moparlicious Posted December 28, 2007 Report Share Posted December 28, 2007 Hi friends,I have not been on in such a long time, I have been having a hard time getting out of bed.My beloved husband of 20 years, died on Aug 20, 2007.He got cancer a year ago and treatment was working and then the seizures began, and it spread.He was my world, my life, my inspiration. We have been together since the 9th grade! We have been blessed with 3 children.20,19 and 16. I cannot seem to stop thinking about all the things I wish I would have done differently. I got angry and frustrated with him in the end and yelled many times for him to go to bed. He was at a inpatient Hospice for 3 months prior to his death, the doctors all told us there was still hope and he would be going home, but home was with Jesus, I wonder if that is what they meant? I know would of, should of and could of will not change anything, but I have so many of them. He was only 41 years old! I feel like my life has no meaning, no purpose and I really hate being here and having a hard time excepting the fact he is gone. I want to move on with my life, because he begged me and asked me to, I PROMISED!!!! Everywhere I look I seem to find something that reminds me of him, and always hoping from a sign from him, am I hoping too much, why won't he come to me? They say till death do us part and I keep thinking about that, I don't think that holds true to me, because I will never part from him, he is always my soul. I was with him when he took his last breathe, as well as our son.That image haunts me so much, it was horrible!!!!! He could not eat for 3 months and had a feeding tube,catheter, and a continual pain pump.He was only given 3 months, but survived 13 months. Treatment was working and so many people were praying for him, in every state, but it wasn't enough,why? He lived that long, to stay here with his family.Thats all he ever wanted.I am babbling and thank you for listening.All of you are great people, thank you. Kim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dpodesta Posted December 28, 2007 Report Share Posted December 28, 2007 Kim,I know what you mean, it is so hard to continue without our loved ones. Right now you are still so new in this experience and it is difficult to see a future. I can still remember like it was yesterday the day my wife died, she was 45 and had a heart attack while we were on vacation in another state. I still remember everything that went on very vividly. For the first 9 months I was in a funk and it took every ounce of energy to go from day to day and I didn't want to live. However I have an 8 year old son that needs me and it was he that kept me here on this Earth. Now that is has been over a year and a half I am able to see a future, I am getting ready to go back to college to get my degree which is something I have wanted to do for years. Give yourself so time, I promise you it will get better. This time of year is very difficult for us because of the memories. You are right the should of's, could of's, would of's would not have changed the outcome. You did the best that you could with what you had to work with at the time. I know it is difficult not to think about that, but once you can you will find some relief.Love alwaysDerek Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karenb Posted December 28, 2007 Report Share Posted December 28, 2007 Hi Kim, I'm sorry about your husband, he was so young. It's tremendously hard to go through this, but we're forced to do it. My husband has been gone for over two years and, believe me, the pain lessens with time. Be patient with yourself and allow those feelings to come out - up one day and down the next, or "hour" for that matter. You will move on with your life, but it takes time. You need that time to heal from this most difficult loss - the other half of your life. Take good care of yourself, surround yourself with those that loved him and know that in your heart you will always love him but you will go on. Let us know how you're doing.Your friend, Karen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
suzanne Posted December 28, 2007 Report Share Posted December 28, 2007 KimI am so sorry for the loss of your husband. It is the most difficult thing to go through I could ever have imagined. My heart goes out to you. I am just approaching 10 months so I am still realatively new in it. Try to be strong for your children as well as yourself. I keep reading from those that thave journeyed longer that it will get better. We need to hold on to that hope. One day at a time. Take care.Suzanne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DesertBob Posted December 28, 2007 Report Share Posted December 28, 2007 Kim,My sincere condolences on your loss.I lost my wife, Linda, about three weeks before you lost your husband, and the circumstances were similar in many ways. Pain and suffering complicates grief and loss of this kind. Complicates it greatly. Having it go on for decades doesn't help, I can tell you.Like with your husband, many extraordinarily spiritual people were praying for Linda over the years and other than giving us a warm fuzzy now and then that people cared and were pulling for us, I can't see that it accomplished much of anything. And so there are all these "why, why why's". Why was this cherished soul, who lived an extraordinarily good life, tormented and humiliated at every turn, year after year, with no relief?At some point I just realized, "Look, there just isn't an answer. No rationalization exists in heaven or in earth that will change the utter wrongness of this, so there is no sense in driving myself mad searching for that kind of closure". My mantra has become, "it is what it is". Death and suffering are just part of life, and we don't always see or even glimpse the cause and effect behind it. And for whatever reason, God or the universe or whatever you conceive that to be, isn't necessarily there for us in our hour of greatest need. Sad but true.One thing I'd say to you though, it's way too soon to be brow-beating yourself for being unable to move on as you'd like and as your husband wished. It happens for each of us at our own pace. It has been known to take years. The most you can do is be swept along with it and try not to get in the way. Let grief have its way with you and don't fight it. You've had a tremendous loss. Give yourself credit for getting through it this far. It gets gradually easier. You get insights. You adapt. But you never stop loving the person you've lost, and so in a sense you never entirely stop hurting.Your heart is deeper and wider than you think. It can love others, enjoy other things, and explore new things, even while holding the love for your husband that will never die. It just takes time to really believe and accept that. You'll get there.One last thing. Congratulations on coming all the way from ninth grade with your husband. That is a beautiful thing. So many of us don't have that. We envy you. But, that does make the loss all the bigger. It's a bigger loss of identity. If you had interests, or hobbies of your own, even little ones or long discarded ones, consider taking one or more of them back up, even if you have to go through the motions at first. It's apt to help and may be a lifeline.Best,--BobPS: "Moparlicious"? You've got to tell us about that one. I've got to get this image of you eating Mopar auto parts outta my head ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest moparlicious Posted December 28, 2007 Report Share Posted December 28, 2007 Bob,Thank you so much for your thoughtful words!!!!! You along with everyone elese, who I now consider my extended family, are my rock and strength!!! I am so sorry to hear of your loss as well!!!! You made me laugh today, and I thank you for that!!! Ok.,the Moparlicious thing is,my husband and I are were and are big Dodge fans, in regular vechicles and in Nascar!!!! I of course, drive a Dodge and being a women, I am Moparlicious!!! Ha ha. So, next time you want to send me a cam or some hemi part for my cereal, let me know!!! LOL. Hard on the stomach. Thanks again, that really cracked me up!!! God bless, Kim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Art Posted December 28, 2007 Report Share Posted December 28, 2007 Hi Kim,I sincerely feel for your loss of your husband. I know how hard it is to move on. Everyone keeps telling me I have to, but they just don't tell me how. Today marks 10 months since I lost my wife in an auto accident and it seems like yesterday. I can't stop thinking about the "what ifs" and I can't stop blaming myself even though I know there was nothing I could have done. My emotions are still on a tightrope ready to go crashing at any time without warning. I just can't help it I still cry and sometimes I can't seem to do anything else. I have had a really hard time with the holidays and I just can't imagine the new year without her and having to look back at this year as the year that I lost her. Please stay in touch with us here. I gain so much of my will to carry on from the knowledge that I am not alone on this lonely road. God bless you and all who walk here with us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teny Posted December 29, 2007 Report Share Posted December 29, 2007 HI I like to believe that our heart can love others enjoy and explore new things.may that be a wish for the coming Year.Thanks Bob .TENY Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest moparlicious Posted December 29, 2007 Report Share Posted December 29, 2007 Teny,That is so true and a great thing to hold onto for the new year!!! I thank all of you for being who you are!!!! God Bless!!! Kim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest moparlicious Posted December 29, 2007 Report Share Posted December 29, 2007 Thank you Art and all who continue to post and walk this hard journey together. I am so blessed to have so many people from accross the world, who care so much about each other. Its too bad tragedy has brought us together, but then again, on the other hand, I would not make it through some days, if we all did not share our story and be together in time of need. WE are all walking the same road of despair. We may never truly understand why this happened to any of us, or why the people we loved more than life itself,were taken from us, but sadly it happened and we cannot change that. Love, Kim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 3, 2008 Report Share Posted January 3, 2008 Kim,I am so sorry you are missing your beloved husband. Like Bob said, unfortunately, I don't think there are any answers. Some people believe life is by some great design and some people believe it is random, but whatever it is, it is up to us to deal with it and it feels like there's just random shots coming at us sometimes. My husband, George, I considered also to be my soulmate, in fact, we had it inscribed on the inside of our wedding bands. I think if I had not had some extenuating circumstances in our situation, I may have never moved on, I don't know. I do know, that however we choose to live our lives, they remain with us, forever. I have learned to take comfort in that and to remember the good and try to let go of the bad. Here resides a group of people, all going through their own journey, and yet reaching out in compassion to the rest of the group, and that has kept me going and given me inspiration to continue with life and have hope. My hope and prayer for you is that your tomorrows will begin to show you some light at the end of the tunnel and give you reason for living.Love,KayC Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest moparlicious Posted January 4, 2008 Report Share Posted January 4, 2008 KayC,Thank you so much for your kind words!!!! I was sobbing reading your post!!! I am so touched and blessed by everyone here and knowing amazing,great people like yourself,help another person through this incredibly hard journey, touches my soul deep!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you! God Bless,and yes today I have alot of tears,but with all of you I can make it through another hour of the day.Dan always gave so much, and I feel he is still giving,for he is guiding me and brought all of you in my life.Amen for that!!!!!! Love, Kim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest moparlicious Posted January 16, 2008 Report Share Posted January 16, 2008 I appreciate all of you!!!! I just can't tell everyone enough how much you all mean to me. I went to Hospice yesterday to visit all the nurses and wonderful staff who took care of my husband in his last 3 months. The nurses said he was only going to be a inpatient for a few days and after 3 months he never went to his home with his family, but to his home with Jesus.It was so hard to walk through the door and I cried my eyes out after leaving. I feel so hollow without him!!!! Found out yesterday my mother in laws cancer is acting up and it is now in her pelvis. My mother and father in law both have cancer and my sister in law has lymphoma.Our 16 year old daughter is having symptoms, just like her dad in her esophogus. Trying to get biopsy scheduled, she has one every 3 months anyways, for she has problems with it anyways and cannot eat certain foods, it is not a allergy, but it does make her villi flat and not wavy, causes her alot of vomiting, pain and distress. I need all of you, especially today, as I continue on and try to function at work.Thank you for your support. Love, Kim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lorikelly Posted January 16, 2008 Report Share Posted January 16, 2008 Kim About your daughter, just a thought for you to ask the dr. have them check her for celiac disease, she has alot of the syptoms. it is done with a biopsy. both my boys have gi problems and have been sick since birth, we have been through alot. just thought i would mention it . lori Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corinne Posted January 16, 2008 Report Share Posted January 16, 2008 Hi Kim,I am sorry that you are going through so much right now. I just want you to know that I am keeping you, your daughter and your in laws in my prayers.Hugs & prayers, Corinne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 16, 2008 Report Share Posted January 16, 2008 KimWow, you certainly have your plate full...just want you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers...Love,KayC Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest moparlicious Posted January 18, 2008 Report Share Posted January 18, 2008 Thank you everyone for your kind words and helpful insight. I wouldn't know what I would do without all of you. I get on here everyday and read every post.I feel such despair in my heart and I am having a really hard time, but I read what you all post and the support everyone has to offer each offer and my heart is warm!!!! I scream in my car with the radio blasting, I don't care if people think I am crazy its the only place I know to be alone and away from all the stares and stress we go through every day. I can never thank you all enough.Love to you all, Kim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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