Nothing Is Important

[KathyG]

As these last few hours of the year tick away, I'm sitting here feeling lucky to have made it through the end of 2007 - but can I make it through 2008? I'm used to setting goals and having a plan for my life. But now I can't even think past next week. Or even tomorrow.

I used to be good at setting priorities and separating the important things from the trivia. But since Bill has gone, nothing feels important anymore. Even though I know certain things have to be done, and I'm doing them one at a time, I keep asking myself why because it feels like nothing matters. If I keep going through the motions, will I ever start to regain feelings?

Except for scattered moments when I feel Bill's presence or when someone does something especially kind for me, I'm just existing, not living.

[Mrcelloboy]

Dear Kathy,

I've also experienced that feeling a bit lately, as well as rare moments of feeling more clear and hopeful then I've felt for a long time (since I lost my Kathy). It seems that for what might be a long while I'm just going to have to learn to live with the ups and downs. The up moments (as well as my kids and the love of friends and family) keep giving me the will to hang on for the long run.

I truly believe we all have the potential of recovering our lost feelings and equilibrium.

Maury

[DesertBob]

I sure know those feelings, Kathy.

Today the local funeral home sent me another monthly installment of Transitions, a newsletter that doubtless goes out from thousands of funeral homes around the country, to survivors -- but it's not too bad really. Today's headline was "Who am I Now?". It talks about how you are a thousand piece puzzle and you can't figure out how the devil to put it all back together. The advice was "Keep turning the puzzle pieces over. But don't keep trying to put them back into the same picture ... there is a new picture to be made of those scattered pieces. Search for that scene ... the new you ... the person you are becoming."

For some reason that felt right to me today.

One of the gifts Linda gave me is that she literally taught me how to enjoy life. I am the child of depression-era parents, so I learned well how to put one foot in front of the other but had the vague idea that enjoyment is somehow ignoble. She delivered me from that mindset somehow. I was sure of it yesterday when I found myself hiking a mountain trail above town, something that would never have entered my mind before Linda. (Yes, I was quite a dull fellow fifteen years ago). I am discovering that I am not returning to my old, pre-Linda self now that she is gone. That is a rather nice discovery.

I have several things on my plate the next couple of months, most of them involving reaching out to people and relationships I've had to neglect these past few years. I am not that social of a person, nor do I feel that much like it right now, but it is oddly theraputic every time I extend myself like this, and every time I do it I'm motivated to "rinse and repeat".

Everyone's different, but you say that it helps when someone does something kind for you. It may work just as well if you reach out to someone else. Worth a thought anyway. I am slowly overcoming the sense of "wrongness" about taking any happiness from life. I think that's one of our important tasks in finding our way out of this wilderness.

Feel better,

--Bob

[lorikelly]

Kathy

I can understand about the exsisting not living , i felt like that for so long. i can only say take one moment at a time ,. We are all here for you. Lori

[WendyJ]

I too understand about the existing and not living, I have been saying that from the beginning. I do what is necessary to get by everyday and work to keep money coming in to pay the bills and get up the next day and start all over again. No hopes, no dreams just getting by. Why bother with hopes and dreams, where did it get me the last time? They were taken from me in a heartbeat ! My hopes and dreams are gone now. I was telling William last night that I had a dream the other night that Steve was still here and I was told it was all a mistake and he never died and I was so happy and all I kept saying to him was "How am I going to tell the group I never lost you and it was all a mistake?" It was so wonderful, and then I woke up and realized it never happened and got all depressed again. Life is just so hard and so cruel, no matter what happens society tells you that you must go on no matter what, you must pay your bills or you will lose your house or your car...etc. NO sympathy for you, they don't care, your bills are due and they must be paid whether you lost an income or not ! If it is this bad now I wonder what it will be like for our children later on, or their children. Sorry,I guess this is my Pity Party for the day !

Love,

Wendy

[suzanne]

I know all too well the feeling of just existing, not living. But we have to keep going forward. One of my bosses told me yesterday who is 86 and his wife has alzheimer's, "do the best you can with what you have got to work with, that's all we can do." She is no longer mentally with him and does not recognize him as her husband, it breaks my heart when they come in the office. I admire his strength as he cares for her daily. I truly believe somehow we will find that light at the end of this long dark tunnel. One small step at a time and mine are really baby steps right now but I will keep on walking and when I stumble and fall hope for the courage to get up and try again as I do for each of us.

Suzanne

[kayc]

Bob,

I wish I had read this post before I chattered away in my previous postings, because this so much more aptly puts what I was hoping to say...

"It talks about how you are a thousand piece puzzle and you can't figure out how the devil to put it all back together. The advice was "Keep turning the puzzle pieces over. But don't keep trying to put them back into the same picture ... there is a new picture to be made of those scattered pieces. Search for that scene ... the new you ... the person you are becoming."

Kathy,

I think the feeling of existence is a step to the feeling of living, it just doesn't happen overnight. You are a goal-setting person, a planner...yet perhaps you need to break those goals down into more bitable hunks, that is, getting through this day, this week and not worrying just yet about this whole year. To a person who is deeply grieving, a whole year is too much to think about, it's overwhelming.

fondly,

KayC