Did I Make The Wrong Decision?

[Sagie]

It's been almost a month since I lost my husband and best friend. It shouldn't have happened, I can't stop thinking that. Hospice took such good care of him, but maybe if I taken him to the hospital they could have done more, I don't know. Everybody tells me there was nothing anybody could have done, the cancer had taken its toll and it was his time. I miss him so much, it's just not fair. We were suppose to grow old together, now what? I'm so lonley and alone. Will I ever smile again??? Will this go away? Now what do I do?

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest!

Reatha

[tessa]

hello Reatha..guilt is a normal emotion in this phase of a grieving process, also an anger, so it is not strange you feel that ..but it will pass..you couldn't do anything and you certainly do everything you could do...but the questions such as : if I only do that? why didn't I ? ..etc..are normal..you are trying to find who is guilty..but it is nobody's fault..and they told you there was nothing else to do...

will you ever smile again? yes, you will...that's for sure..you will have better and worse days..one day you will feel an enormous pain and you'll think you can't bear it but another you will smile at some joke of your friends...it is a healing process and whatever you will feel is normal ..just feel it..don't try to avoid it because it will wait for you sooner or later..

I'm very sorry for your loss..come here again and write about your feelings..it helps..

love, tessa

[PattyAnn]

I'm in the same boat. It's been over 5 months since my husband died and I am tormenting myself with guilt. Did I make the right decisions? Could I have done something more to help/save him? A million things swirling in my head. It's quite a responsibility to take care of and make major decisions for someone who is so ill.

Then we are alone with all the memories of the illness and death and it's sometimes just too much for our minds to deal with, especially if we don't have strong support from family or friends.

I feel for you, but you are a loving and caring person or you wouldn't even be asking these questions. Could your husband have done any better if the situation were reversed? He probably would have done just as you did. You made the best decisions at the time on his behalf and it came it all came from love. Your husband was lucky to have you there for him. Try to focus on all the good things you did for him. Be proud of yourself for being strong during your husband's illness. You've been through quite an ordeal.

My heart and sympathies are with you.

[LarrysGirl]

Even alittle after two years, my mind still questions sometimes, how, why, did I do enough... Larry was ill for a few years, waiting for a tranplant, and I was his caregiver with little support. His family started showing up the last couple of days of his life and pretty much has disappeared again. I made decisions about his treatment, changing hospitals and doctors, hoping that I was doing the right thing. He was too ill to decide. I loved him and begged him to hold on. He was strong and courageous and withstood more than any person should have to. I hope that I made the right choices. Its hard to be sure, when he died. Thats still haunts me. I do know that he knew I loved him and was trying with everything I had to keep him alive until he got his transplant. Even with all of that said, you still have questions. I try not to concentrate of that part of his life too much, I get too upset. You know you did your best and I think thats all we can do under the hardest of circumstances. Deborah

[Dusky]

Sagie,

It is very normal to question your self and ask the question "Did I do enough" or "why wasn't I better" or "if only .....". However, the answer to all these questions and the bottom line is that we all did the best we could given the circumstances we were faced with. Many times I was angry because of what was happening to Jack - what was happening to me - and as a result I was not always as kind as I could have been. I went through months of applying self forgiveness to myself after he was gone. I also had to make the decision to take Jack off Chemo - a daunting decision for one human being to have to make for another. I questioned myself about that as well.

Over and over again we punish ourselves - for being human - and once again we need to remind ourselves that we did the best we could given the circumstances we were faced with. We end up being harder on ourselves than anyone else would be. In the end I finally came to the conclusion that Jack would have been the first in line to forgive me for any of my self imposed feelings of guilt that I had.

Sagie - you did enough - I am sure. And it is very normal for you to have these feelings.

I am anxious for my book to be available to each of you and for the web site I have created to promote my book to also be available to you as well. It deals with so many of the issues we have all faced on this web site as we struggled with the days, months and years following our loved ones death. Soon I hope this is available as a instrument of help and healing. It healed me to write and I hope it lends assistance and healing to you as well.

John - Dusky is my handle on here

Love you Jack

[karenb]

Hi Sagie,

As you have read here, this grieving process takes all forms from no sleep, guilt, lonliness - many, many feelings and emotions. They're all hard to deal with, but talking about them here with people who truly understand does help. It's important to take good care of yourself as much as you can and just let the feelings flow - it's very natural. I'm down the road 2 1/2 years with the loss of my husband and I can tell you these things will diminish over time. I will always love and miss Jack but I have to go on and I can now. Take care and let us know how you're doing. Hang in there.

Your friend, Karen

[suzanne]

Reatha

First of all I am so sorry for the loss of your dear husband. I wish none of us had to experience this. We all question our decisions. I had to decide to take my husband off of life support. A decision I will have to live with for the rest of my days here on earth. I hope I made the one he would have wanted. We had talked about it and he had told me so many times to never leave him on life support if all hope was gone. I'll never know if he felt that hope was gone but I must hold on to I made the best decision I could for his sake to end his suffering. He had a living will and he trusted and loved me enough to make those decisions for him. I'm sure your husband knew you would as well. Take one day at a time. Keep posting, this site has been a life saver for me in many times when I thought I could not make it through one more day. You are not alone. It's a long hard journey but better walked along side of those traveling down the same road.

Suzanne

[Sagie]

Thank you all very much! Reading your replies has made feel better. I'm not alone in these feelings and I guess that means I'm not crazy. Al suffered for years with this cancer, he beat all the odds, living longer than anybody thought he would. I'm trying to remember that and the good times we had together. I'm going to take advantage of this website because I know I need the help. Family and friends are all doing what they can, but talking to people who have gone through what I'm going through is the only way I'll be able to get over this feeling of guilt.

Thanks Again!! I feel like I've made new friends!

God Bless all of you!

Reatha

[WendyJ]

Reatha I am so sorry for your loss and you are right, you have come to the right place. One thing to keep in mind, you said you feel better talking to people who have gone through this. What makes this site so wonderful is that we are all going through this at the same time as most of the people here posting are newly widowed to just a couple years into this. So you are making friends with people who are going through this with you at the same time, keep in mind that just because you are new does not mean that you will not being helping us too as we are all here together to help and support eachother.

Hugs,

Wendy

[DesertBob]

Personally I think Hospice is much more humane than a sterile (and often ineffectual) hospital. I wouldn't be surprised to find that people live longer in hospice than in the hospital. After all, hospitals are excellent places to get nasty infections, to have records and meds mixed up ... why, the possibilities are endless.

Hospitals are service garages for the body. Hospices are places of comfort for the soul. It was the right place for your best friend to spend his last days -- finding acceptance rather than fighting the inevitable. Life is all about letting go, and heroics in this case would have been fighting to hold on. There is a time to do that, and a time not to do that.

You did the right thing.

--Bob