Lost The Best I Had - My Granny :(

[Nettan]

Hello all!

I have been trying to register here for a long time but just suceeded the other day.

Anyhow..I don't know how to describe everything perfectly but I'll try.

My granny suddenly got seriously ill on the 1:st of Jan 2008. On the 31 Dec she was just fine! Mum woke me up on New Years day with the call I've been dreading all my life. She was admitted the same day in the hospital and never came back.

She held on till the 20:th of Jan and then she left us all. During this time we lost all contact with her with that I mean she couldn't speak or respond though I think she heard all we said.

All this happened soooo suddenly!! She was so healthy and just woke up the next day completely gone!! She was the most energetic, lively 93 year old I've ever known!

On friday we had her funeral. It was beautiful but so painful..

The thing is I'm not doing well with this at all. She was my everything from the time I was born untill now and I don't know how to live life without her! She was my soulmate!

I don't feel like living! And it gets worse every day...am I healing wrong?

When my brother called me and told me she had died at that moment I felt such peace and even happy that she was out of suffering because she suffered sooo much those last days but now I cant think like that I just miss her in a way thats driving me crazy!!

Everyone says to be happy for all the years I have had with her but thats just about impossible right now when my heart is breaking and I miss her all the time..

Don't know what else to say....hope somebody will write to me....if you have any questions feel free to ask cause it' s hard for me to write about this so I understand if it's all a bit blurry...

My main question is will I ever be able to love life again like I usually do? Can a person heal from loosing such an important person? I know you can heal loosing someone thats close but granny was MORE than close, we were one!!

/Nettan

[AnnieO]

Nettan,

I am glad you were able to register and start posting. This site has been a huge support for me. There are wonderful people here.

I am so sorry about your granny. It's wonderful you had so many good years with her and your happy memories will help you get thru this. I lost both my parents recently, but I am writing to you because you sound like you had the same relationship that my daughter had with my mom. She also called her grandmother, her soul-mate. They were so close and my daughter was devasted when she died. Its been a little over a year and my daughter is doing very well. She still misses my mom , cries often about her, but she is also able to laugh at funny memories or funny stories about my mom.I know not a day goes by that she doesnt think about her and wish she could see her, but she knows my mom wants her to be happy again. So, yes it will get better and you will love life again..it will just take time. Keep posting.

[Nettan]

Thank you for writing AnnieO and I'm so sorry for your loss of your parents!

I long for the day when all the beautiful memories don't hurt this much. That seems a long way ahead and I guess it is too. Thanks for sharing about your daughter that gave me a bit of hope.

So far I feel as though I am letting my granny down. I know she would not want me to be depressed, she would want me to live a happy life. That makes me feel even worse. I'm 25 and feel like I should be able to handle this more like an adult but on the inside I feel like a child who just wants to be hugged and comforted by her granny.

I keep memories of her around me, little things like a book, her Bible, pictures of her...so far even those things just make me cry...should I put them away for a few years or keep them out ? Though looking at her pictures even makes me feel a lot of love ...at the moment love mixed with a lot of grief

[Cindi]

Nettan:

I grieve for you and your loss. I lost my mom unexpectely about 5 months ago. I know that our loved ones would not want us to be so sad, but I think it also lets them know how near and dear they were to us and oh how much we loved them.

I was thinking today about letting go (which I doubt I'll ever be able to do, but think about when our parents had to let us go and we in turn had to let our kids go (as they grew up and onward). I hate that my kids grew up but I always knew the time would come when it was inevitable.

I know that in my lifetime, I never thought about the time coming where I would have to let go of my parents. The pain is so unbelievably hard to bear and it just sucks because there is not a thing we can do about it.

I spend as much time as I can at this website...I helps me to realize that there are many others feeling the same as I do. This site validates me.

Hoping this helps!

Cindi

[shell]

Nettan,

Welcome to the board. I'm so sorry for the loss of your grandmother. I was like that with my mom, who I lost in June. I always wondered how I could possibly go on without her, but now that I've had to face that, I find that I am, just because I have to. My mom always said, "You do what you have to" and now I truly understand what she meant. It will take a long time, but you will make it, so don't get discouraged. What you are feeling right now is perfectly normal and as time goes on, you will learn how to cope better with her loss. You will never get over it, but it will become a part of your "new" life and you will heal.

Hugs to you,

Shell

[rosanne]

Dear Nettan,

First of all let me say, that I am so glad you found this place, you will find comfort here, you will cry when you read other e-mails, and one day you will even laugh. I lost my precious mother June 10th 2007, she was my soul-mate, we knew what each other was thinking without saying a word, we spent so much time together- I remember about a couple of months before she passed away, we were sitting on a swing on her porch watching my 25 year old daughter paint a chair in the yard (my daughter idolized my mother) and mom said, where has all of the time gone, it seems like yesterday she was a baby (I am crying as I write this)

I never even considered living without my mother- and then she is gone.... it has been 8 months, I think of her every day!!! I still cry!!! I miss her so much sometimes I want to scream..... but, Nettan we have to go on- there is no choice in that. Take it one day at a time- Feel what you feel and do not question yourself- you will have crazy feelings... and think you are going crazy but your not, it is just part of the process. Your life is forever changed because she is gone- but, your life was forever changed because she was such a big part of your life! One day at a time!

Rosanne

[Nettan]

Thank you Cindi, Shell & Rosanne and I’m so sorry for all your losses.

Your words are all very soothing for me and yes you are right I have found much comfort on this board even before I managed to register. Just reading through and recognizing myself with many….

I am totally surprised at how many people are not at all by my side since the death of my granny. In the beginning people were calling, writing, sending flowers now it’s all quiet and I feel even more alone because of that. Not to mention angry.

Me and my family (mum,dad and brothers) are not close so theres no support there either…

Life feels even more lonely because of that. I’m scared of the future without granny….me all alone without family. I have my boyfriend but I mean a caring mum and dad. It’s just simply hard and sad to know that I don’t have anyone left whom I love so dearly…

I hope I manage ok even though I'm alone in this...

I am trying my best to take it one day at a time even though I’m the kind of person who wants it all to be over now. I’ve spent such a big part of my life depressed and angry I just want to feel happy again….patience is even more difficult because of that…

I feel my feelings are like a rollercoaster one minute I feel a bit of happiness and the next so sad...then 5 minutes later a little happy and maybe the rest of the day sad....it's sooo unpredictable...worst is when the tears just come rushing down without warning at work. I that usually can control such things very well..

[drew]

Nettan,

I am so sorry that you lost your grandmother. It is so difficult when you lose someone so close to you. My mom died in Dec. 2007, and she was my very best friend. I can totally relate to the emotional rollercoaster. My friends and family don't know how to act around me. One minute I want them to be funny and the next I want them to be somber and cry with me. Then sometimes i want to be alone, and others I wish someone would call me. Just take it one day...one moment at a time. Be easy on yourself. Treat yourself how your granny would've treated you.

Take care,

Drew

[babybrat07]

Hi Netten,

I lost my grandmother in May of 2002. We were really close. She lived far away from me so I didn't get to see her all the time like my cousins did. When she passed away I felt sad and angry. I felt angry because all my cousins had stories about time they shared with grandma. They talked about fun stuff and being at her house. It hurt because I couldn't measure up to the time they got with her. I felt angry because they had more time with her then I did. But I realized that the time I did have with her was special because none of the other cousins had what I had. I feel blessed everyday of my life to have had the grandmother that I had. I think about her all the time. I see t.v. shows or movies that remind me of her. I try to think about the good stuff. The hardest part is everyone saw her before the morphine took her away. I was the only person that didn't make it to see her. All my cousins and my aunts and uncles saw her before she died. I made it to her house five minutes to late. I later decided that she had waited for me, she knew I was coming but she didn't want me to see her go so she went just before I arrived. Whenever we'd go visit she'd meet us at the porch door. When we'd leave to go home she'd stand at the porch door and wave until she couldn't see us anymore. That day I knew that she was at the door with the lord and she was waving until she couldn't see us anymore. The lord has always been on my side and he will always continue to be on my side. You just have to know when to let him in. I hope I've helped you. God Bless!

Katie

[Nettan]

Drew thank you for your words and I'm sorry for Your loss! I'm trying my very best to take it one day at a time and to take care of myself. Somedays easier than others...

babybrat07 your reply was very touching. I admire people who have faith in God and I wish I could too. Once upon a time I did believe now I'm not sure. My granny was a very strong believer so I want even more to believe now!

On friday night I dreamt about my granny. She was dead in the dream but the phone rang I answered and it was her. Of course I don't remember the whole dream now but I told her I miss her and want to be with her and she said something like "oh no it's not your time yet" and I asked her how she was and she said "I'm ok".

On saturday morning I woke up sooo happy and at peace after that dream because I (even though it sounds silly) took it as a sign that she is in heaven waiting for me! By the time evening came I had convinced myself otherwise and was all sad and upset again

And last night i had terrible nightmares of her and her last days. How she suffered but even worse in the dream ...it was awful!!!! So today my whole day was ruined and i've been angry and cried and hurt all day...

Thank you all for your support it really helps!

[babybrat07]

I too have had dreams of my grandma. It's weird because in most of them she was there but she didn't say or do anything. So even though she was there you could tell she really wasn't there. I remember one dream we were at her house and she lived on a lake.. well my brother had pushed me in and I was so mad so I went and told my grandma and she didn't say anything to me or do anything like get me a towel. I thought how weird is it that she's not doing anything. My guess is she wanted to be there but obviously she couldn't be. She was there in spirit like she always will be. Please feel free to message me if you ever want to talk.. I'm a pretty good listener. Bless you..

Katie

[DanR]

With as rough as losing anyone is for any of us, it's different for every one of us. It may take a long time to the point of thinking of never being happy again. Feeling the world has been ripped apart and anything bringing the pain up at a moment's notice...