Scared Nervous Tension Sad - All At Once

[shubom]

I haven't written in a long time. I lost my dad, 47, a few year ago, and my mom, 56, in Jan of 2006. Never got to say goodbye. They died unexpectedly. It's been a hard rode. Um...I'm writing because my Great Aunt ( My Grandmother's twin sister) is in the hospital, sick, in her last days. Her body is shutting down, she's not coherent at all. I visited her 3 days ago, and she did open her eyes and smile at me. But now, nothing. They called the family together last night to the hospital to pray. It's been really difficult. All the thoughts and emotions of the hell I went through after losing my parents is coming back in one gigantic freaking mountain collapsing. I can't eat, sleep. I'm nervous, shaky. I don't know what to do. I can't stop thinking, screaming. Last night I went to the cemetary and yelled at my parents. Seeing my great aunt like that, and then watching other family members crumble, just hurts. I can't bear it to think that they are going through what I went through losing my parents. And now we are losing another family member. My great Aunt is 78, just like her twin sister (my grandmother). My step grandfather is 81. So is it just going to be one big ripple effect?! I'm so afraid. My grandmother was there for me when I lost my parents. Is this what I'm looking forward to.

I just attended the funeral of my best friend's grandmother. It's been so sad and stressful.

I'm freaking out. Any advice from anyone? I can't bear all this death!

[leeann]

(((((Shubom)))))

I don't think it is weird that you feel all upset by these events at all. It can be scary, sad and stressful. Course that probably doesn't make you feel much better. But if it is any consolation to you.. I know how one death or a pending death can bring up all kinds of emotions about our own past significant losses.

And I also know how sometimes.. for whatever reason.. there seems to be many deaths going on all at once in our lives.

It can feel very emotionally draining to attend all of the wakes and funerals that seem to pile up on us at certain points in our lives. In the summer and fall of '06 we experienced one those points. We had 9 deaths in our circle of family and friends. I remember going to two wakes two evenings in a row one week. It was a hard time. Then we seemed to catch a break for about 2 and a half months where no one died! Then I found my Mom dead. Overwhelmed?? Had enough of death?? You bet.

I know you are thinking about losing your Grand Aunt right now and also thinking about perhaps the future losses of some others.

When I get into a time like that.. I try to stay in ONE day.. or else I would be a mess. What do I want and need to do ..just today. I can't think about more than one 24 hour period at a time. I literally can't "go there" to the future. That can really help me cope.

Also during the course of a few of those 9 deaths.. I decided... I need to just send a note & card and skip the wake and funeral. Or sometimes.. just skip the wake and attend the funeral, or vice versa. And know I could always catch up with those folks later on. Everyone has their limit.

Obviously with some of the deaths it wasn't possible for me to skip them. But with some of them... I knew.. the best thing for me (and our kids)was to stay home.. pray for those that lost someone and leave them in Someone else's capable hands. So that is always another option if the need arises. People understand. As you well know.. sometimes we need all of those people that attended the events weeks and months later more than we needed them at the wake or funeral.

But what helped me most I think was just staying in one day at a time. I focused on today and let "tomorrow take care of itself" as my Gram used to say.

So if you feel like you are freaking out.. as I too felt.. I found that taking a wee break from it all helped. Doing something completely different from dealing with all of the sadness refreshed me a bit. So maybe think about taking yourself on a walk.. to the mall to window shop.. soak in a tub with some good tunes going.. whatever little gift of time and activity you can give to yourself to take a respite from the sadness may help.

But truly.. I do not think what you are feeling is odd... quite normal I would think. Things are stressful right now... so take some time to refresh yourself a bit.

[drew]

My dear, you've got to get out of there for a minute. I totally can relate to what you are feeling. Its almost like a heaviness you carry around with you. Like the rest of the world is going on like normal, and you can't enjoy anything. The ONLY thing that kept me going was getting away from it all every once in a while, even if just for an hour. A friend would take me to lunch, and we would ban all talk of death, sickness, doctors, etc. I just wanted to hear things that normal people talked about! Or I would go to a movie, or go shopping. I just needed to do something with someone who wasn't involved in any of it.

I hope this helps. I wish you the very best and I encourage you to nurture yourself as well as those you love.

Drew

[shell]

Shubom,

It's good to hear from you again, although I'm sorry it's under such sad circumstances. You might remember I went through six deaths in two and a half months, and two more later on down the road, so I totally understand where you're at. It is completely overwhelming. And the worry of future deaths only adds to the anxiety. I remember your story and all the struggle you went through. I'm so proud of you that you have come this far. It is normal that you would feel everything you are feeling right now, but I know you will get through it, because you have already gotten through some tough stuff. You have strength, Shubom, and it will get you through this too. Underneath all the anxiety, sadness, fear, shakiness, and everything else you are feeling is a strong core. Hang in there and keep us updated.

A big hug,

Shell

[shubom]

Thanks for all your support. My Great aunt passed away last night at 11pm. It's been really tough. I stopped visiting her last Saturday because I was having panic and anxiety attacks with memories of my own parents. It was horrible. I was afraid to drive and the closer I got to the hospital the worst it got. And the thought of her passing when I was there, brought memories of finding my mom's body. I just couldn't bare it. I felt really guilty, but I had to take a breather for a few days. I called other family members to check on them.

Now, she's gone and I'm really sad. I'm really nervous seeing everyone and going to the funeral. It was so tough with my mom I just don't know.

I'm going to try my best to relax and hopefully the panicking will subside.

There's a new grief group starting next month. I'm going to go again. It helps to talk to others.

Thanks for your support here on the board.

[MartyT]

Shubom, dear ~

I just want to add my voice to the others who are encouraging you and giving you permission to take care of you right now. It's okay to admit (to yourself and to others, if necessary) that you are in grief overload right now, and you alone are the one to decide how big a dose of it you can tolerate, given all the loss you've experienced already. I'm also pleased to learn that you intend to participate in another grief support group next month, which in itself is evidence of good self-care. No one knows yourself better than you do, my dear, and your first responsibility is to take good care of yourself.

[shubom]

Thanks for your advice. And you are right. No one knows me better than I do.

Today is my Great-Aunt's wake, and I'm more than likely not going to go. It will be at the same place my mom's was, and the painful memories and feelings are still raw.....picking out the casket.....crying like crazy......and all eyes staring at us..... Ugh....thinking about it just gives me the creeps!!! I hated every moment of that horrible crappy time.

I told my grandmother yesterday, and she understands. I feel really bad, but I want to make sure I don't have a nervous breakdown.

The funeral is tomorrow at an unfamiliar place, so it'll be better for me.

That's about all I can say right now........ I'm crying so much, I miss my mom.

[shell]

Shubom,

You have to do what's best for your emotional health, so it's wise of you to skip the wake. I'm sure everyone would understand, and if they don't, that's their problem! I hope the funeral went ok for you. Take care of yourself first.

Hugs,

Shell

[leeann]

(((((((((((shubom))))))))

I think you are making good choices for yourself. Most people understand and if they don't.. someday.. they will. But worry not about them.

Go ever so gently with yourself and talk to Mom & your Great Aunt; that may help ease your intense missing feelings.I'm sure they are right proud of you. Take things one at a time and go slowly.

Thinking of you.

leeann