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Taking Someone Over To Close A Circle

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This Sunday will be my birthday. My first husband died 10 days before his 58th birthday. He said he didn't look forward to getting so close to 60. Well, he didn't. My second husband died one month before he turned 57. He said he just knew he wouldn't live to be 58 like John. Well, he didn't. He died one month after we married.

I feel I have a special duty on this birthday, to carry over two men who didn't make it to their 58th birthdays. I will be be taking them with me as I turn it. Whether this completes some sort of cycle I do not know. I fear it may complete mine.

Will I become 58? Will it end something?

I am the survivor. They left me something inside myself that I have carried forward.

Is this a logical thought? Yes. Because these things did happen. Is it rational? Probably not. I am doing my job. It was accepted without thought or concern. Will I suddenly become different?

The mind is active with it's histories inside its' self. The journey of life continues on in its' own strange ways with all the peculiarities it entails. Slowly someone here is going to turn 60.



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I wouldn't want that much pressure, it'd fill me with trepidation so I'd tell myself it's just one more day and 57 or 58 is just a number. Fortunately, I didn't have to go through that because George was younger than me...but George died when he turned 51, so when John turned 51, I got nervous. Fortunately, he's still here. :)

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Looks like there are a number of March birthdays, here! Mine is Tuesday and I never thought about the magic number. Lou was 21 years older than me (you would never know it!) and thinking that I might go at the young age of 66 does not bother me so much; in fact it almost bothers me to think I will have to wait that long to end this life that seems so pointless!

I keep praying that God will give me purpose in my life so that I have something to really live and work for.

I wish you the very best on your birthday!


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