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Will The Pain Get Easier?


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((((((Joy))))))) <Big hug for you.

I am so sorry for your loss. This is so very recent for you and the fact that it was so sudden I'm sure is contributing to your pain right now.

I must tell you it does hurt very badly at times.

And yes... that is normal and you will indeed in time feel less overwhelmed. In my experiences, the pain's intensity lessens. The missing.. well, I think that goes on always.

I know it is important not to judge ourselves or our grief. It is just important that we feel it. Cry when we need to.. as those tears are healing. And be patient with ourselves as we are trying to get used to life without that person physically here we us anymore.

As I have said before... we wouldn't hurt so badly if we weren't loved so well

or loved well in return. So I try to be grateful through my tears.

I can imagine you must be feeling so very raw and fragile at the moment...

I mean sometimes we all,no matter how old we are, just wanna curl up in a ball and wail that we want them back.

And I have found the best I can do sometimes is to curl up and wail.

As far as "getting over it" goes... I'm not sure one can "get over it". I think one just learns to live our lives without that person here. I think we assume that loss within our lives in time and continue on our journey here.

But take confidence in that we all know what this is like and you are indeed in good company. I think you will find the folks here helpful and understanding as I have.

I'm very glad you found us!

So do keep us posted as to how you are doing.

And poke around the site here. I have found reading other's posts can really help me along.

leeann

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Joy,

I'm so sorry for your loss. Leeann said it all and gave you great advice, so I can't add anything to that. Just know this a great place to get your feelings out to people who have also been where you are and truly understand your feelings. Hang in there.

Hugs,

Shell

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Joy:

I am so sorry for your loss. My Mom died six months ago today (almost to the hour) and here I am where I find the best support and caring that I know is out there.

I couldn't go to work today and I've been crying since the weekend. Also, during the weekend during one of my few attempts at motivating myself to do something around the house that needed to be done, I broke something my Mother had given me which just made me feel worse.

I read something published about grief recently. I don't know the source other than that it came by mail to me from my oldest son. One of the things I read is that we will never really be the same person we were once we experience the loss of love and life of someone significant to us. It changes the nucleus in some way of who we are.

Will the pain get easier? I don't know...I'm still hurting a lot. I do know that I've had some better days and some worse. I've even had days where my humor shines through.

Although I've had few dreams about my Mom, lately, I hear her voice at times when I'm sad. She keeps telling me "I'm here, I'm here." And I know that but at this time in my life, its just not tangible enough for me.

On a more positive note, my daughter and grandson moved home and my grandson adds some sorely needed laughter to the house.

I wish you moments of peace and moments of joy, and the right to feel the pain and sadness whenever it comes around.

I think that our friends here at this site are, at times, sending us messages from our loved ones. The trick is to figure that out.

I share your pain as my mom's death was nothing we could have anticipated and that made the pain all that much worse.

Love,

Cindi

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I think that our friends here at this site are, at times, sending us messages from our loved ones.

Cindi, dear ~ I just have to share with you that this statement of yours brought tears to my eyes and touched my soul. I cannot think of a lovelier way to describe what happens in this very special place, and it warms my heart to know that you think of it this way . . .

Thank you so very much for sharing such a beautiful thought with all of us today :wub:

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Joy,

I'm sorry for the loss of your Dad. I remember the place you are at right now. I lost my Mom unexpectedly in November 05. I had just seen her 5 days before and she was fine.

You must begin taking this minute by minute...then hour by hour....day by day....week by week....month by month. I cried every signle day, sometimes several times a day when it first happened. I worried for my Dad who was left behind....it was bad. I couldn't sleep well,couldn't think straight and I would replay the day and the details of her death over and over in my mind. Milestones of the first year of her being gone became a stressor....somtimes the buildup to the actual day worse than the day itself. 2 examples were her first birthday being gone and the day of her death. I felt peacefulness on her birthday....I spent it with my Dad and some of their friends, we went to dinner and talked about her. The year anniversary of her passing I was much more emotional on the day prior than the day of.....I kept reliving how normal my day was one year prior and how much it changed the next.

Slowly but surely and with a great group of friends to let me speak of my grief....and this site.....the grief got better. I began not to cry everyday...memories of Mom would come and would be sweet. Kind of like little love notes left in the mind. I cherish each one! Now, it's nearly 2 years and 4 months since she died, there is not a day that goes by that I do not think of this woman I loved so much, who did so much for me and loved me all of my life! I miss her terribly....but often I feel her. Know that your Dad is with you...you are a part of him. It will get better, even though it doesn't feel like it now. Do not deny yourself your grief...cry when you must and feel that loss and in the end you will heal. Things are never quite the same as they had been, but a "new" normal will emerge.

Peace to you

Lori

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wow you all really get how i feel! thank you.

my father was 71 and was not expected to die when he did. he was generally in fair health - he was recently diagnosed with AML and they were going to start chemo in a week to put him into remission. he looked otherwise very healthy (wasn't even gray haired yet). he developed phenmonia and was given oral antibiotics. within a day he developed a fevor and we felt it wise to have him checked into the hospital. the day after he was there they were going to send him home because he was 'fine'. dad felt that one more day would be helpful. what a mistake that was. he developed sepsus (bacteria in his blood) possibly from phenmonia or from the IV or catheter. within 5 days he was gone. he didn't have the chance to fight AML. his prognosis for aml was 6 months to 3 years. that was hard enough to imagine but now i would take 6 more mins. the end was brutal. my sister and i were at the hospital 24hrs/day to make sure he was always comfortable, eating, drinking etc...our family is/was incredibly close. i would talk with my dad at least 2ce a day (if not more) and see my family at least 2ce/week. some may say i am so lucky to have had such a warm, caring, gentle, supportive, empathic ,altruistic, funny, loving etccc father..and i agree i am lucky, but i feel as though he was taken too soon from my life and i miss him with every ounce of air and blood in my body. my 7 month daughter will only have photos to remind her of the great papa she had. i still can't believe it!

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Joy,

In a book I read on grief, the woman had lost her husband and everyone kept telling her how lucky she was to have had that kind of love for the years she did. She said she felt like asking them how they would feel if someone told them they had won a million dollars, and then came back the next day and said it wasn't true. I think of that often. So I know how you feel when people tell you how lucky you were to have him that "long". I get told the same thing about my parents (they were both in their eighties when they died).

The "I still can't believe it" part lasts a long time. My dad died in '05 and my mom last June and I still can't believe it. Hang in there and take care of yourself and your feelings.

Hugs,

Shell

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oh shell you really said it well. having had so much and then have it gone feels almost worse if you never had it at all! i am so sorry that you now have no parents. i can't imagine how horrible that is.

i also can't believe that i am able to go on living..how does that happen!? i go about my day, play with my baby, talk to my friends and family on the phone and .. carry on. it seems sometimes it's not real. i think he will call me any second. i still have his voice on my answering machine singing happy birthday. in december my dad was on vacation in nassau and he went down a water slide in an inner tube..he was soooo not ready for life to be over..he loved life...

who here believes in life after death?

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Joy,

Yes, we do carry on and it does seem unreal, but in a way it's good. Like we're on auto-pilot or something! I guess that's how we get through it. I believe that when people die, their spirit is still around and they are still with us. I don't know if that's exactly what you meant about life after death, but that's my idea of "life after death". I read somewhere the theory that when people die, they just shift to another level. So they aren't really dead, just on another plain.

Hugs,

Shell

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Midnight:

Don't let other people try to control your grief. It is yours and you are entitled to it. If it lasts two years or ten years, it belongs to you and you alone.

Spend your feelings here with those of us who understand exactly what you are feeling, will support those feelings, and help you start to heal.

I lost my Mom unexpectedly a little over six months ago. I find that just recently, there are times I can laugh and just as easily, I can spend three days crying.

Know that we care, and that we are so sorry for your loss. Grief is something you need to talk about and if others can't or won't see that, talk to us.

With love,

Cindi

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  • 3 weeks later...

a little over 5 weeks since dad died and still find myself in total shock that he is gone. i think the first month is total

survivor mode. then the reality sets in (that is where i am now). i miss so much! i am now very angry and

everyone and find myself loosing my temper easily. i guess i am going through the stages

thanks to everyone for helping

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  • 2 weeks later...

Joy - I'm so sorry for the loss of your father. I lost my dad 6 weeks ago.

Reading your posts, I can emphasize with a lot of your feelings. I too, feel in deep shock and also have the horrible feeling in my stomach that you've described. The emotions and feelings you're going through will feel overwhelming. You've done the right thing coming to this site - the people here are so kind and helpful and they understand.

I can't offer any advice on how long it takes to heal - as like you, I've only just begun my grief journey. I still can't believe that he's gone. I keep thinking that this is a bad dream that I'll wake from and all of this won't have been real.

The pain is really bad most of the time, but the only way to heal is to let these emotions wash over you. I've found that talking to certain groups of people helps. I've spoken to my family doctor, the Chaplain at work and will be speaking to a bereavement counselor this week. The advice and support on this site is invaluable too.

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Joy

You and I are going through the exact same things. It is 7 weeks since I lost my dad. And the days dont seem like they are getting any better. Some days I have to ask myself if infact he did pass away - then when my brain kicks in - it hits me like a brick across the face -

The last while I have been so angry and full of rage - not me at all.

I was throwing things at my husband - breaking dishes - you name it.

I was irritable, snapping at people for no reason, pretty much not caring about anyone including myself.

I finally broke down and told my doctor who has been my support - (and this website)that I cant function. We had a good long talk - and assured me that grief does this to people, and with me not having ever to deal with a death, this is the reason I am having a hard time of it.

I am on a mild dosage of antidepressant - now for two weeks not sure if it has kicked in yet, but I find myself a little calmer....a little bit...still have so many bad days. But each day I have confidence that it will get better.

My dad is at peace, and I have to find peace too.

My family and friends think that I should be over it, but it will take time - lots of time -

I am taking my time to grieve - and staying away from people who have the attitude get over it.

To make me feel better, I went and had my hair done, went for a massage and took a me day to help me. It did wonders.

I wish you better days ahead, just be patient with yourself and take care of yourself. You are in my thoughts..

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