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My Momma


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I'm having so many different emotions.........mostly heartache. My mother was sick for over 2 years and the doctors said there was no hope. I feel like I've been grieving all along just knowing she would be going soon. I tried to spend as much time as I could with her. I lived almost 100 miles away, had 2 little ones at home, and also took care of my handicapped "significant other", so it wasn't as often as I would have liked. I am feeling guilty for not finding babysitters, caregivers, and taking more time off of work. I loved my mom, but all my siblings were there with her so much more than I, and I feel like they somehow loved her more. I can't stand that thought........it hurts so bad.

Luckily I was able to go last weekend and be with her as her time was close. She told me she waited for me and for me not to go. I told her that I wasn't leaving and was spending the night. During the night she seemed worse. My sister asked me if I thought she should call Hospice and of course I said Yes. The nurse came at 5:00 AM and listened to mom's heart and said it was still really strong and that mom would probably linger on a few more days. I had to get back to my kids, so I said my goodbyes, I love you, and told her it was okay to for her to go be with her Momma in heaven. She had been calling her all night. I felt at peace on the way home, asking God to take her and not let her "suffer" anymore. I didn't dream it would happen in just a few hours after what the nurse said. My sister called and said she was gone. I was so mad at myself for leaving when I could have spent those last moments with her. I just didn't know.............I just didn't know............I'm so sorry Mom. I can't help wondering why it happened this way. Susala

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Susala

Please know that I am so sorry for your loss. Know that even though you weren't there physically for your Mom, you were there spiritually and your Mom knew that.

My Mom died a little over six months ago. She was in a coma for the last week of her life and I was with her 24/7. Although she could not respond to us, I have to believe that she knew we were with her. There is no doubt that losing her has been the hardest thing I've ever dealt with and believe me, I've had some extremely rough times in my life.

There is a song called "Mama Knows" by Shanindoah (sp?) that has a good message that might ease your pain for not being able to be there when her time came.

You are facing some difficult times now as are all of those who participate in this forum. It is a good place, and you will get lots of support and learn to understand that your feelings are real and we are all here for you.

Keep coming back...this forum is my lifeline.

With love,

Cindi

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Susala,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I left the room for literally 30 seconds(I had just changed my moms panties and had to run them out to the trash) and when I came running back into my moms room, she was gone. It just killed me that I had left for that 30 seconds! But, a book I read (called "Final Gifts" and a wonderful read) said that sometimes people wait until you are gone to die. They don't want to upset you, so they wait until you aren't there to go. Maybe your mom did that. She saw you and that's all she really wanted and maybe she thought you would be the most upset at seeing her die. It may have been a blessing to her that you left. The more I think about the way my mom acted, the more I am convinced that she wanted me to leave the room because she knew and didn't want me to actually see her last moments. Anyway, I hope this might help you a little.

Hugs,

Shell

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Susala

I am so sorry for the loss of you mom, the journey is a long one. i lost my mom on 7/3/06 and it feels like yesterday. the first six months for me was complete hell, i call it my black hole. it just takes time, i know that doesn't seem to make sense right now but it will. i never believed it when people told me but time does soften the wound. i believe that wound never heals but it just doens't bleed all the time.

I went through so much guilt and still do, i wish i had done things differently. i think this is part of the process. Your mom knows how much you love her and nothing will ever change that. keep that always with you.

My thoughts, prayers and love go out to you. Lori

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To all of you that have lost your mother, your friend- God Bless YOU! I have never in my life been through anything that hurts so bad, my joy is gone- I feel low all of the time. My mom died of cancer June 10th 2007- every day is a struggle, and as life has added more family struggles on me I miss her so much more, just to hear her say everything is going to be alright, just her saying those words did make it alright, because I knew she was on my side, always rooting for me. I just don't know- anymore

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I believe that too, that the person does not want to pass when you are in the room.

With my dad, I went into the hallway to get a pepsi and dads breathing was heavy.

I came back like 30 seconds and there was no breathing.

Then there came the gasping for breath - I wish I would not have seen that, by my doctor says its a reflex that dad was not in pain, so that is comforting to me.

I too lived about 200 miles away and did not always get home as much as I wanted to, but I made sure I was there for his birthdays and christmas each year.

I have not yet gone home to my mom and brothers, its just too soon to go home and dad not be there. I hate the thought of going home. I cant do it right now, but I have to soon to see my mom, she is not taking it well at all. They were married for 58 years. I have been with my husband for ten years and its been a great life....so I know how she feels.

She calls me everyday crying, that she misses him, and I do too, but I try and stay strong for her. I have not cried with her, maybe I should have.

My mom thinks because I am not crying 24 hours each day seven days a week that I am not grieving. I dont dare tell her that I am grieving, I am also not functioning. She has no idea that I drive to work each day and drive right by the office, and when I get to the end of the city, I am lost, not sure where I am. God, I hope each day gets better...

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Shell,

I sincerely appreciate your kind words. I can't help feeling like maybe my mom did want me there or at least someone, because both my sisters were there and 1 of my brothers. I've had several people tell me the same thing you did, but I can't help feeling like I failed her. I guess my head understands, but my heart says I wasn't there when she needed me most and my sisters were. It could be that she thought maybe I couldn't handle it and maybe they could. I don't know. Susala

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Susala,

I know the feelings you're having, and it's hard to let them go. I strongly believe in fate and that things happen the way they are suppose to, but I still regret those few seconds and probably will for the rest of my life. But, we just have to know that there is no way of "fixing" it, so we have to let go of the guilt and give ourselves a break. I can't know for sure if my mom was waiting for me to leave the room, but I think she was and so I cling to that. Don't be so hard on yourself, please. Your mom knew how much you loved her.

Hugs,

Shell

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