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My Future


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Hi All,

I am just wondering what is going to happen when I die... Since the two real people who loved me the most are dead... I just wonder who will be there to see I am taken care of.... My family is so tore apart that no one cares for anyone but their selves now.... I hate the thought of being put in the ground in a pine box with no one there to care for me... Shelley

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I'm not entirely sure what to say, though when I struggle with my future and the ripples it will cause in my family I find it helpful to talk about it. It's happened so many times though I can just see my husband's attention waver and his eyes roll back into his head, not really, he always listens, just sometimes better than others. When I feel like he's not ready to deal with whatever it is I write it down. For instance I have a Will, where I say to who the few things I have should go. You could also write any burial requests down, such as perhaps you might not like to be buried at all perhaps you'd prefer cremation, or maybe you'd like a well maintained plot where they always have flowers put out for holidays etc. (they might not be real, but flowers all the same). Keep in mind though that anything you write is a request not a mandate, and doesn't carry as much weight as if you plopped down money and paid for everything ahead. Oh and anyone under 18 would be subject to whatever their guardians would desire, but at least the request would be written.

Shelley, I know this is a hard time for you and that sometimes it feels as though your stuggle will never end, but it will, things will get better. There is a silver lining, and in your case it's a big wide ribbon sparkling through the sky. You might not be able to see it with the cloud cover, but I sure can. What plans or thoughts have you given to the future? The future might mean tomorrow, or next week, this summer, or five years from now. Sometimes feel so wrapped up in the here and now that we forget to look beyond, it's okay to reach out. Just think of that old musical Annie, when she sings "The sun will come out tomorrow, tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar." Oh and you have to have seen it. If you haven't rent it, if only so you can roll your eyes and laugh at that part. :wub:

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Hi Elizabeth A,

Thank you ever so much for your kind and caring words you have replied back for me... It is so nice to know that people care about others and it gives me hope that in the end my own face will surprise me and I will also be cared about... Take care and God Bless you Shelley

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I'm sure you're cared about, now wait seriously here.

It's a hard thing with sisters. I have two sisters one is seven years younger and the other is nine years younger. The one with the seven year age gap used to make me completely crazy. It was hard for her after I moved out, because she had to be the big sister, but later would I would visit the way she would say something or tilt her head I felt like I was the one with TWO mothers. It would drive me up a wall, and that's with my mom still alive.

It must be hard for your sister to have gone and made her own life and then with the loss of your parents then not only did your life turn upside down, yours did to. I'm not trying to sound like I'm on her side. I just know that no matter how rough it is or how awful it seems, your sister loves you or she wouldn't have let you come stay with her. Yes it's what families do, but when my husband and I were considering adoption there were plenty of stories where no one in the birth family wanted or was able to care for some of those children.

Oh yes it's hard, I'm sure it's the meanest hardest kind of hard. :huh: But even if you feel like your sister doesn't always "care for you", her children sure do. ;) Kids are amazing in the way they give love. They can even run around and say "I hate you" or "you're such a meanie", but having you in their lives gives them a solid foundation, unlike any I can explain. Rather like a wall of a building I suppose. Someone that is always there, even if they don't acknowledge it, you are so much a part of their lives now. When I talk to my own daughter about the things we did that day, she talks about who she sees and what she did. Does she ever mention what she did with me? Nope. I am so much a foundation of her life that just like that wall she doesn't see it. That's why I worry about what might happen if I'm gone. As I'm sure happened when you lost your parents, it would be like a wall in her life fell down, and in your case you lost two walls, I bet that makes the darn world seem awful heavy sometimes. I know, I feel it sit on my shoulders too. ;)

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Hi All,

I am just wondering what is going to happen when I die... Since the two real people who loved me the most are dead... I just wonder who will be there to see I am taken care of.... My family is so tore apart that no one cares for anyone but their selves now.... I hate the thought of being put in the ground in a pine box with no one there to care for me... Shelley

The thought has crossed my mind too. Linda is gone; my parents are gone, my oldest brother is gone and my two surviving brothers are 10 and 15 years older than me and I will almost surely be the last survivor in the family. I am not close to my nephews and nieces. That leaves my son and daughter who have busy lives that has already taken my daughter to the opposite coast. My son is borderline autistic and not comfortable giving comfort, if you get my drift.

So I had this fleeting image of me lying alone someday in a bed in a corner of some institution, but it was just not a sustainable image. Why? Because it's in the future. And whether that future is decades or months or one day away, I will deal with it when it arrives. Or if I can't deal with it, then I will surrender to it.

In the future, my worst fears *may* be realized. They may just as well not be realized. Either way, I'll have no choice but to face whatever comes, and any amount of worrying now will not change that. At least my wife set an example for me to follow. Her worst fears were realized. Every last one of them. She faced them all with courage and dignity. If she did it, so can I. But the odds are, I won't have to. I don't know why she got to carry all the world's bad karma on her back, but most of us don't have to.

Once I am dead, they can bury me in a plastic bag and forget where they put me, I won't mind. I won't be there to mind. If I care about such things by the time I die then I have done a lousy job of letting go.

When it comes down to it, life is all about letting go, and pain and suffering comes 100% from hanging on.

--Bob

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I think I know what you're saying, Shelley. It's simply torture to feel like no one on the face of the planet really, really LOVES you, for who you are and no matter what. It can be the loneliest and most despairing feeling in the world.

Having said that, I also take great comfort from having read many times and having heard first-hand from the man I know who died on the operating table and came back, that when we leave our physical shells behind, we no longer feel bound by the worries of this plane of existence, and end up surrounded by so much love it's unbelievable. It's the Love of our Source, of the whole Universe, including all those who have loved us before. This friend of mine wasn't worried about earthly concerns, but just felt he had unfinished work he had yet to do here with certain people, so he returned, despite already knowing how difficult life on this plane is, by stark comparison. I also trust I will be returned to THE closest of re-unions with those who have loved me and whom I have loved, so will no longer feel alone and lonely.

The last thing we're going to be thinking of is what happens to our former shells. It will just be so inconsequential a matter compared to what we're then experiencing and where we'll then be. In fact, many people have said they experience things AS IF they still had physical bodies, even though they don't, so I gather we don't miss our earthly forms at all. So from my perspective, I can hardly wait until I get to leave here, whether there's anyone here to mourn me or not. I will be HOME again, finally, at last, and thank goodness!

It only hurts while we're still here, but it does hurt, I know. But in a way, it's almost better if you're not leaving anyone behind who loves you immensely...because then we'd also be currently worrying about how they're going to feel should we depart! There's hardly any winning with common, difficult feelings when we're still in the physical, unless we can surmount most of them, which is often a lifelong project. Bob is talking about letting go of "attachment", a well-known and wise philosophy. It is because of attachment to things (even feelings) that we suffer. But it's one of those "easier said than done" things, and on the other hand, we don't want to let go of the LOVE we have experienced, only the pain attached to the love. One fine day we'll all 'get it', though. It's just a matter of whether that will be here, or not until we get beyond the physical.

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STARKISS, you are kind and loved or will be loved. If you have specific wishes for final arrangements perhaps pre need planning my be a source of comfort for you. Survivors will not have to deal with deatils and your wishes should be respected. Just a little food for thought.

s

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Thank you Susan K,

That is something to definitely to think about.. I might feel better knowing that I have planned everything and they just have to do what I have planned... Thanks again Susan K... shelley

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  • 1 month later...

Hi All,

I have decided to see the Funeral Director that dealt with my parents arrangement to help me deal with mine...This way I will be at peace when it is time for me to join my parents and other family members in Heaven... I just need to follow my own heart when I decide to move forward on this..take care Shelley

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  • 6 months later...

Hi All,

I should mention to Starkiss, that I know what you mean about being mourned and worring about your future.... and I thought this topic is a great one for me to post in as I was going to label my post "my future"; I am not trying to diminish your anxiety about this and getting the funeral director involved was a very wise decision and something I will be looking into myself soon.... however I digress to talk about my condition for a bit....

I have not posted in a very long time, there has been a lot going on here... I found this new branch of this site for anticipatory mourning the loss of .... and I felt that I needed to post.... if only to catch up.

I was diagnosed in June 2008 with syringomyelia, which is a very rare spinal cord disorder. It means I have a cyst inside my spinal cord taking up space that should be occupied by my nerves as the spinal column connects our body parts all together. Anyway, there is no cure for this condition and any surgery will only possibly stop the progression of this disease.

Needless to say, my outlook is GRIM and I have been fired from my last two jobs due to poor performance (my pain level is an 8 most days inhibiting me from concentrating) so I am currently unemployed and seeing doctors on a weekly basis. I have an appointment at The Chiari Institute in New York as they are specialists with this disease and hopefully they will be able to help me....

My future is GONE.... I can no longer do the things that I LOVE, my future includes a wheel chair and possible paralysis I am grieving the loss of that future and of my healthy life!!! :(

I know tons of people have meaningful lives while living in a wheel chair but that is not the future I had in my mind for myself; neither is being paralyzed...

Anyway, I thought this would be a perfect place to post this as my future is also frightening to me. If I live longer than my husband then I will have a hard time taking care of my self financially... which is also scary.

Thanks for letting me share my grief and anxiety about my future... this is certainly a hard thing!!!!

I forgot to mention that I am only 40....which makes this condition that much harder to deal with.

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My dear tattoodlb,

While I'm delighted to "see" you back with us again, I'm shocked and saddened to learn of your very serious illness, and so very sorry to learn this awful news. I cannot imagine how frightening this must be for you, but I know that here among the rest of us, you will find some of the most loving, compassionate support you will need to get through whatever lies ahead for you.

As one who has lived with pain most of my life, I understand completely that it is difficult, if not impossible, to concentrate on anything else when you are in pain, and I encourage you to discuss management of your pain with your doctors ~ and if your doctors aren't sensitive enough or educated enough about effective pain management, feel free to ask for a referral to a physician who is. (See some of the pain management Web sites I've listed on the Caregiving page of my Grief Healing Web site.)

I know it seems as if your future is gone, but the reality is that your future (as you see it now) is just not what you expected it to be ~ and that, my dear, is something you have in common with every single member of our GH family here. As we so often tell one another here, don't try to focus on the rest of your entire life ~ just try to focus on today. You've been given an elephant to eat, and there is no way that you can swallow this all at once. You must take it in a little piece at a time, so that you can chew on it, digest it, and eventually incorporate it into your system.

I do believe that at this point, your concerns about living longer than your husband are valid, and you might want to have a conversation with him about term life insurance. Other than that, I strongly encourage you to take this one baby step at a time, gathering all the information you can find about this disease and what can be done to help you cope with and manage it. And please keep coming here for the comfort and support you need and certainly do deserve.

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Marty! Hi!

Thank you so much for your very thoughtful post and response. I am greatful for your kind words and I am looking at other avenues to help me cope with this new situation. I am seeing a psychologist on a weekly basis and he has given me some very wonderful ideas, most of which I have tried and met with success.

I am thinking of new hobbies I can do, but unfortunately, my endurance for thinking, sitting and manipulating things with my hands is very very low. I started to make Christmas cards the other day and made a grand total of 2 and I had to go lay down.... that is depressing.

I have been writing poems (angry, mean ones and depressing, scary ones)and that helps, however I always end up sleeping most of the day away, which does not do anything for my self esteem. I love shopping and yard sales however driving is painful and being able to concentrate on driving is difficult some times.

I am hanging in there and glad I have forums that I participate in as I have met alot of really wonderful, nice supportive folks.

Thank you again for your kind words and support. I am currently waiting for insurance approval for Botox injections for pain management for my severe neck muscle spasm.

Hugs to you, too.

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  • 1 month later...

Hi All,

I often wonder what my future might bring since the deaths of my dear parents. I have been really thinking about myself dying and what will happen to me after I am gone... So i am getting intouch with the funeral director that we had for my parents... I have known him for a very long time and think he might be able to get me started so that when it does come to my time I will have it all settled and my family will know what I want... Shelley

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I'm having my church take care of my service after I die. I wrote down on paper what I wanted and gave it to my pastor. My wake is at church with the service right after. The padtor told me the church even has a grave for me. My church has help me so much. I could not have live without the church. I have no family close by. All out of state. I hope this helps.

God Bless,

Russell

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Hi Russell,

I have gotten back to church recently, and my church family means alot to me... I will talk with my pastor because I want them to have something to do with my funeral and also the funeral home that my parents were at...My family will have to read the note I leave and hopefully everything will be dealt with before the faithful day... Take care Shelley

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Hi All,

As I finished yet another Sabbath day, I spent it with some very special people who I call my second family... Now instead of the fear of my future I am having a hard time with the fear that I will lose two special people...My friend Gloria and her husband I met fifteen years ago and they have been there for me with things have been rough and really there for me when my parents died... Now the fact that they will die someday fears me bad knowing that they are special to me and The grief journey will have another twist in it again... I just do not know if they die what I will be able to cope with... Shelley

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I too have fears about my future : Fear of being single and alone, fear of the twists life holds for me on my own , fear that I am always going to feel sad and empty and directionless and hopeless, fear that my relationship with God will be affected more negatively,....its just so hard,but having said all thsi deep down inside I trust God to not only get me thru, but get me thru well

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Hi All,

I guess we all have so kind of fear of our futures and that I guess is part of the grief journey... I think we have to get by the fears to move forward and to get through this... I say this now but also have major fears of how things will turn out with my life Shelley...

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  • 3 months later...

Hi All,B

I have been wondering how much I am thinking is actually grief talking or just me thinking loudly... But I have been really thinking of my future and how my life is turning out, I watched as both my parents got ill and died... My mom had breast cancer and survive that only to get ovarium cancer and slowly get past that to develop diabetes and die of complications of that... My dad who has always been a brick wall to me and has rarely been sick in his life to have gotten nonhodgkins lymphoma and die so quickly after being diagonosed with it... Now I am looking at myself in a mirror and watching my life and discovering how it has turned out which is high cholestrol, a little high blood pressure some times, weight problems like my mom and now prediabetes and wonder what God has in plans for me... I have been seeing a dietatician and a diabetic nurse to help me get back on the right road but has anyone else wondered how much we actually get from out family backgrounds.... Shelley

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Shelley, dear, it seems to me that the best thing you can do, given your family health history, is to take good care of yourself, both physically and emotionally, and listen to and follow the good advice I'm sure you're receiving from your dietitian and diabetic nurse. You do have choices here, Shelley, and you have quite a bit of control over how healthy you want to be and what sort of lifestyle you choose to live.

I read an article online this morning that made me think of you: Four Friends for the Grief Journey, by Claire Perkins. If you go to Claire's Web site, http://www.deepwaterleafsociety.com/, you can read about her work, and if you click here, you can download and read excerpts from her book, The Deep Water Leaf Society: Harnessing the Transformative Power of Grief: http://www.deepwaterleafsociety.com/dnld.html. (See especially the Preface.)

See also this uplifting video, I Have a Choice: http://www.customcraftedsongs.com/content/...ybehindthesong/

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Hey Marty,

Thank you for the information I checked it all out and found it very helpful.... I have been so in thought of my parents lately that I think that it has something to the affect of me coming to terms with it all finally and doing something with the remains finally Shelley

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