Mom's Gone - Now Lets Move On?

[D21613]

I lost my mother 5 days ago to cancer. It was "anticipated". It was "for the best". It was and is the most horrible experience I have ever been through.

I'm sitting here at work - in my executive office, behind my executive desk, looking at my executive papers and wondering how I am supposed to continue to be what I have been. How am I supposed to keep doing what I have done. I went to her grave this morning and I see her name on the temporary marker and all I want to do is sit and stare. Then its time to go back to work and I come here and pretend.

I pretend for my father. I pretend for my kids. I pretend for my coworkers and I pretend for myself.

How do I move past where I am to get to someplace I want to be again? How do I move on when all I want to do is go back?

sorry for rambling.

[AnnieO]

Hello,

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom Dec 06 and my dad Oct 07.

At 5 days, I was still in total shock. I am glad you found this site. You will find wonderful people here. I wish I knew the words to help you...you are not alone. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[LoriW]

First of all....you cannot expect yourself to ever be the same again. You can't expect yourself to not feel the loss of your Mom just because it was anticipated. You have lost a person who has been close to you since your birth. You will not be the same but you will have gained wisdom and in turn....you may find yourself helping someone else.

I wish more than anything my Mom was still with me. It's now nearly 2 and a half years. I have certain times where I still cry....but it's better. By losing my Mom, I have been able to help friends who have lost a parent or a close family member. It's easier to know what to say and do.

Go easy on yourself....I wasn't even back in the office 5 days after my Mom died.

Edited April 15, 2008 by LoriW

[Deb]

I am so sorry for your loss. My grandfather passed away 7 months ago. I tried to pretend for everyone too... but the hardest person to pretend for was myself. Please take some time for yourself.

[leeann]

D

So sorry for your loss.

I will echo Lori here and say.. I don't think you will ever be the same... not sure that is possible. For myself.. I let go of that as 'goal' and accepted that I will be a new me by the time I process and heal up some from this loss.

An anticipated loss... is still a loss. The fact that it was expected doesn't diminish the pain of it one bit. This was your Mom...

You have not "done" life without Mom ever. So this is all new territory. You're doing life without her for the first time.

5 days ago... I must tell you this is still real raw for you and I would think it is more than perfectly understandable that you may be experiencing some shock at it all. This is VERY recent..and if you are feeling absolute numbness and excruiating pain....sometimes seconds apart... that is probably normal for right now.

Trying to focus on ANYthing is a challenge in the early days. And the importance of "work" takes a serious drop... You just lost your Mom hon.

No paperwork in the world is going to seem as important as that. So the feeling of like acting like some machine at the moment is probably normal too.

Sure we all have to perform daily tasks that seem SO mundane and un-important in the beginning. And we plaster the smile on our faces when the need arises. Trying to kinda fake it til we make it at times.

But honest to goodness... we are human beings and we must feel what we feel.

I would encourage you to allow your self some time to feel this. Take that blackberry and schedule yourself some time everyday to just be and feel. So while you are doing what has to be done everyday.. you will at least know.. I can go home and have my time.

I try not to pretend too much around my hub and kids. I figure my hub deserves to know where I am at and the kids need to see me express my grief so they learn how to express theirs.

I know companies will say "death in immediate family=5 days".. but realistically.. I don't think people (well people who have experienced a significant loss anyway) expect you to be on top of your game on day 6. And I doubt your family expects you to be unaltered by this and back to "normal".

Normal for right now?? Painful.. no two ways about it.

For me, even now more than a year later.. I still am asking for help when I need it. You can do that too maybe. I delegate when I'm not feeling too good or am having a 'grief attack'. I understand that I have limitations right now and that is ok .... makes me just like every other human.

I'm almost wishing you could take some additional time off. But I understand that may not be possible. But I would try to go as gently as possible with yourself while at home and make the most out of your weekends as far as squeezing in some time to just process this... or even at this early stage... try to accept all that has happened in the last few weeks. I try not to over schedule weekends and leave in some down time, as much as is possible. We all need to decompress and relax.

So it is very early & raw days for you but I'm glad you found us.

I have found this site to be extremely helpful and such a warm and caring place. People here definitely "get it" in my experience.

So please come back and let us know how you are doing.

BTW.. I can't see where you were "rambling". Now that could be because I do it all the time and don't know it. lol But be assured that you don't have to worry about sharing anything here... I'm very grateful to all here as they are so supportive and kind.

I'll be thinking of you.

leeann

[Midnight]

I feel your pain - I lost my dad Feb. 21/08 and it is still so raw.

My advice is take time for yourself - get your hair done, get a massage - I find this helped me.

Don't rush things - people tell me that I should be over it - but I am far from it - I have never had anyone close to me die-this is the hardest hit I have taken.

I went back to work 5 days after dad died - and I could not function - could not concentrate - could not do anything right - I could not even sleep -

I finally reached out to my doctor and he was great - gave me some sleeping pills and a mild dosage of anti-depressants to get me back on track.

Take care of yourself - do something each day that makes you get through the day - I know this was hard for me to do, but each day I am starting to feel better - when I get the thought of my dad in my mind and him in the hospital bed taking his last breath, I automatically think of a good time we had together - each day will get better - it just takes time.

You are in my thoughts - and I find this site is the best - people going through the same thing - making no judgements on you -

Take care - better days will come

[Matthew618]

I know how you feel. When my father died, I just basicaaly sat at work and did nothing for weeks. When my mother in law committed suicide, I was luck to find some busy work that lasted a couple months. My mother died just 1 week ago and again I am unable to work. I go to work and luckily have some great guys who work for me. I told them i would be on autopilot for a while and that they would need to take up the slack. They are great people and will do that. I suggest you set your goals a little lower and ask those closest to you to help you while you are recovering. True friends won't even question that. I suspect you'll find out how many people understand and care about you. Nobody is expecting you to jump back into things so quickly.

My sincere sympathy on your loss. I can tell she was very special to you. and I'm also sure she knew how good of a son you were to her.

[MariahC]

Hi there,

I'm very sorry for your loss. It's all going to be very raw for you. I can identify with a lot of the feelings you've described, as I lost my father last month.

An anticipated loss doesn't make it any less painful at all. I hope that you do take some time for yourself. For a while you'll find yourself running on autopilot and things will seem so different. Your mind will be preoccupied for some time. I'm sorry to hear that you have to pretend to everybody.

I would recommend taking some time out to see your family doctor and possibly a counselor. It's so important to be able to communicate how we are really feeling. Having to pretend for other people only makes us feel worse in the long run.

Take care. I'm thinking of you. Anytime you want to "talk" feel free to come here and let it all out. The kind people here understand.

[JoyL]

you expressed yourself so well. i can relate to what you are saying "pretending to everyone". lost my dad feb 23 08, and i have come to the point where i don't want to talk with anyone. the pretending got exhausting. the path to healing feels so very long and hard, but i hope you find some comfort coming to a place where others can relate to your grief!

[shauna marie]

My heart goes out to you, D.

One of the things that has amazed me on this "journey" is the fact that people think that though my mother was my mother for 27 plus years, I was supposed to be over her in a week. Every day is a new challenge without her. Has it gotten easier? To some degree, yes. But in other ways, no.

I've actually had to divide my life into two parts--before my mom died and after my mom died. Everything since I've lost my mom has been bittersweet. A lot of it wouldn't have happened if she had not died and that part kind of rips my heart out. My recent birthday isn't the best I've ever had--it's the best since 27. That way, I feel I haven't ruined my memories of my mommy.

I'm not the same person I was before she died. In fact, very little is actually the same. I don't shop at the same stores, I don't watch the same shows on tv. I can't listen to music, period. Church is so very painful as well. So it's taken a long time to find a new me.

You need to find an outlet for your pain. Having a place like this is great, but you need someone that you can talk to as well. I can't imagine the pain you went through with your mom having cancer. I know my mom suffered and I know that ripped me apart more than anything.

Take care,

Shauna

[JLD]

Eventually you will be able to move past some of the grief, but it takes a lot of time. (And even still, you never completely move on.) Five days is not long at all, even if the death was "expected." I don't think you can ever be prepared for the death of a parent, no matter how imminent it is. Everyone else here has offered superb advice. The only "advice" I can come up with is that it takes time, and you just need to let that time pass. I lost my mother 8 years ago to cancer. It was "expected" but at 18 years old, I wasn't nearly prepared. It's hard and the hurt never goes away, but day-to-day does get easier.