Delayed Grief...

[sync]

Hi everyone!

I need to, finally, tell my story, so please bear with me.

My father died on May 28, 2006. I cried for 4 days. After the funeral I stopped crying and really haven't cried about him since. He died suddenly, and even though he had 2 kinds of cancer - he was responding well to treatment, and had gone back to work the month preceding his death. He said he was feeling good. Things were turning around.

On Saturday, May 27, he cleaned and organized his garage, a place he loved very much. That evening had a stroke. He went into the hospital that night, and I visited him there. He seemed stable when I saw him, and even though his speech was slightly slurred, I spoke to him about the fortunes of his favourite hockey team that night, and he told me he'd see me tomorrow - so my mother assured us we could see him in the morning.

Me and my girlfriend went home to get some sleep. The phone rang Sunday morning. It was my mother. She said, "it's not good." I can't describe to you the vacant, strange feeling I was under as we drove back to Hospital.

My family gathered at the hospital. The doctors told us my father suffered massive brain trauma over night and was effectively brain dead. He was being kept alive by a machine.

After what seemed like a frighteningly short time, the family decided to "pull the plug". I got to spend a few minutes with him, alone, and I said goodbye, and I crossed his forehead with some holy water from a styrofoam cup that the hospital priest had blessed. After everyone had some alone time with him, we all gathered, and with a nurse, shut down the machine that was keeping him breathing. I will never forget the sound of his death rattle. I can hear it so clearly now even as I type this. And just like that he was gone. He was 65. I went outside. The sky was ragged.

The rest of 2006 was a blur. After the funeral, I feel like I never felt anything the entire year. Yes, he was dead. I could say it as matter-of-factly as stating the sky was blue.

In 2007 I was engaged in a plethora of social engagments that kept me busy all through May, June, July and beyond. I would say certain things about my Dad, mainly in an effort to deflect any negative emotions that were in me or in any of my family. But while my mother and sister seemed to be going through a hell of a time, it seemed like business as usual for me.

Now it's 2008. Since the beginning of May I have been hardly sleeping. I got some pills from my doctor but I hate taking them. It makes me feel like I am weak to need them. Sometimes I can't sleep for 3 days. I'm not sure what's going on.

Strangely, I went to Vegas for a week, and slept fine there. Came back home, no dice.

I am beginning to feel like I have not properly mourned or grieved my father's death. When I am rested, I don't think about him. I just busy myself with other stuff - but when I get tired and am going on 6 hours sleep over 3 days - I can't keep my emotions in check. Things start to come out.

Is this classic delayed grief? How can I start letting my emotions out? It's hard for a male sometimes to be vulnerable, even in front of my now fiance. She likes to tell me I have to move on. But how can I when the process isn't complete yet?

I feel like I've built this wall around myself - I feel like I am mostly passive in dealing with this - that somehow it will magically just work itself out if I just sit here and do nothing.

There is a folder on my computer right now called "dad". I know what's in it because I scanned all the pictures before his funeral 2 years ago. I have looked at the folder several times since then. I have never opened it - not once. The DVD I made of these pictures - I can honestly tell you I'm not sure where it is right now.

I think I am slowly starting to realise that he is gone. He is gone. It has been raining here for nearly a month straight.

How can I start this journey?

[KathyG]

Sync,

First of all, I'm deeply sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is never easy, no matter how old or young you are when the time comes.

What you describe does sound like delayed grief. Counselors and books on grief usually say two things about unexpressed feelings related to loss:

-- Grief does not allow itself to remain unexpressed. We all have to let ourselves grieve eventually, the longer it's deferred, the more likely we are to be damaged by it in some way. And when we finally let loose suppressed grief, it's often more intense than if we had grieved when the loss occurred.

-- Often when someone defers grieving, he or she still has unresolved feelings or issues about the person who was lost. For example, someone who witnesses a death (especially a traumatic one) may suppress grief because the memories of the circumstances around that death cause too much pain. Or another person who fought with a loved one shortly before they died may have regrets that he or she never had the chance to settle the dispute and reaffirm their love before the loved one passed.

You might want to start by reflecting on your relationship with your father, his death, and how your and your family's lives are different since you lost him. Ask yourself what you miss most about your dad - what meaning did his life have to you? Think back to your initial reactions when he died; were you sad, angry, numb, relieved, etc.? You can use the answers to these reflections and questions to help determine what feelings you still need to express before you'll be ready to move forward. The answers also may point you toward things you can do to pay tribute to your dad and achieve some closure. For instance, people I know have expressed their grief by doing things like:

-- Taking on a project their loved one couldn't finish or always wanted to do

-- Adopting a habit or behavior they admired in the other person. This doesn't have to be something big; one of my friends always returns shopping carts to their collection point because her late husband always thought not doing so was inconsiderate.

-- Having a private farewell ceremony with no other participants. The ceremony can be something as simple as going to a loved one's favorite place, quietly thinking about him or her, and silently saying goodbye.

And one thing that always fhelps with grief is talking about your loss and your feelings about it. Sadly, many people shy away from conversations about the dead. But you can see a counselor, join a support group, or start a journal to say what you need to say in writing. Good luck to you, and God bless.

[leeann]

Welcome sync

So sorry about the loss of your Dad. Very tough for you to have to adjust to the quick change in his condition I imagine.

KathyG gave you many great ideas.

And yes I agree you probably are experiencing delayed grief.

You asked:

How can I start this journey?

You have.

You have already started your journey by coming here and telling us about your beloved Dad and his passing. You are on your way. You are talking about it. And you are feeling it.

Many of us here have had trouble sleeping.. many. And we also have sought out our Doc's to help us. So you aren't alone there. (And 'good on ya' for going to see your Doc!) You are in good company.

Talking about it as Kathy said is good. And one way you are doing that is by sharing with us here. And she gave you suggestions for finding additional ways to share your feelings and experiences.

How can I start letting my emotions out?

Well I found that by just sharing here I was able to express some of the emotions. I also found that by just reading other people's posts here helped me release some of my emotions. But the biggest thing probably I did to help myself express the emotions was to avoid judging myself or my grief. I tried really hard to just accept that this was going to hurt. I finally let the shoulders down.. and let the tears rip. I stopped fighting the expressing of the emotions. I thought Why am I fighting this? It hurts.. period. I am only human and I was a well loved human.. so.. I miss them awful and I'm going to just allow myself to Feel that missing. And I let the tears be what they were.. I didn't judge them. It is INtense sometimes, but I was affirmed here that was ALL normal. And that the intenisty will wane over time. But.. it smarts pretty bad.

I learned I had to actually sloooow down & make some time to be by myself to just think and remember those I had lost. I needed time to just plain figure out what I was feeling and then try to express those feelings.

I still find the more I ignore my feelings .... and refrain from expressing them.. the worse I feel, the harder it is to fall asleep.. etc>>>

That file.. someday... when you are ready to open it, you will make the time to do that. And I bet when you need to find that disc... it will be right there... where you left it last. And you again will make some time to look at the pics... but again...only when you are ready.

This is your journey and you are in charge of it. You call the shots.

The memories you are having now from those last precious few days... I bet they are vivid for you now. Mine were very vivid too when I started this journey in earnest. (I too experienced some delayed grief with my Mom's passing.) There was some trauma and I also had some anxiety that my Doc helped me cope with for a brief two months on an anti-anxiety med. In time though now I notice.. yes.. of course I still remember what the scene was like when I found her on the kitchen floor.. but the !!!!!!! feelings & the flashbacks I had when I first started to think about that night have softened and are no where as intense as they were at first. But.. I think I still needed to go through that !!!!!! part to get to where I am now. If you know what I mean. I have more focus on the other more postive memories now rather than just that night.

I think talking about it or writing about it helped me get to feeling more calm about it all the quickest. It was like a mini burden lift each time I spoke or wrote about it. It didn't take the weight completely off of me.. but kind of lightened it for me .. at least temporarily. So I hope you can find someone you can share with a bit too. Or another outlet to express it all within.

If not.. we're here for ya for sure.

I talked to my spouse and two really good friends and occasionally my sister.

I think I am slowly starting to realise that he is gone. He is gone.

Yeah.. I can relate to that realization and the sensations & feelings it brings up within me. There's this ache... there is at times an emptiness.. and sometimes it is an achy emptiness. And sometimes.. it throbs. But I have learned that whatever it is.. it is what it is and it is mine to feel and express in a way that I am comfortable with. I had to learn to just accpet wherever I was along the way on this journey.

It has been raining here for nearly a month straight.

Inside and out I bet.

The Sun is still out there though... and it will shine upon your path soon enough. You are on your way and we here hold out our hands to help you along.

(((((Hugs)))))

leeann

[sync]

thank you so much for the kind replies!

on the advice of my sister, who is very active in her grieving, i took some paper and pen last night and just wrote - stream of consciousness - all my thoughts on the paper. it was strange and frightening and interesting what came out.

then i burnt it.

i actually fell asleep last night, albeit after a few attempts - no pills - and got a good 5.5 hours in.

my sister also told me that she thinks that my recent bouts of insomnia could also be due to that fact that i am now planning my wedding, along with my beautiful future wife, of course, and that whether i realise it consciously or not, my father is not going to be there. such a major event in my life and he is not going to be there. it's a tough pill to swallow.

yesterday, i called my local hospital's grief support and made an appointment with them to be placed in a group setting. i am going on monday for a 1 hour meeting. my voice was cracking as i told the person on the phone, "yes, i lost my father...yes, in may of 2006". why is it that i can stifle my emotions around my family and friends, but when a complete stranger offers me their ear i break down?

my employer actually put me in touch with his therapist, who he raves about, and said he would cover the cost of 1 session a month for me for a year. he loves her, and told me she can definitely help me.

i must admit that i am scared to take these first steps - because i'm like that - i normally run away from things. always have. i think i am also scared because in my family i am usually the happy, joking, energy guy. but right now i don't feel like i can be that. it's funny how someone's death can make you take a long, hard look at yourself as well.

i guess i just find it hard to ask for help. and i need it. why is that so hard to admit? even as i type this, i'm thinking, no, don't tell them you need help!

but i am feeling the love of all you. it's quite powerful really.

i hope this dialogue can continue.

Edited June 11, 2008 by sync

[MartyT]

Dear Sync,

You say that when a complete stranger offers an ear, you permit yourself to feel your feelings and you "break down." It's probably because strangers don't know you and hold no expectations for how you are "supposed to" behave around them. You've observed the power of the support you're feeling from the members here who've responded to your post ~ and this is the same power you will feel in a grief support group. No one in a grief support group (whether it's a virtual one or an "in person" one) is there to pass judgment on you. They are there for the same reason you will be there: to share their stories with one another, to learn something they may not know already about what is normal in grief, to discover more effective ways of managing it, and to support one another on their individual journey. If anyone already knew the best way to do this, trust me, there would be no need for all the books, articles, Web sites, counselors, support groups and everything else you can find devoted to the process of grief. There simply is no right or wrong way to do this, and there is no time frame for it either. Unresolved or delayed grief doesn't go anywhere ~ it just sits there and waits for us to deal with it ~ but the good news is that it's never too late to deal with it! Most men in our culture are just like you ~ socialized to be strong, in control, independent and fully capable of handling life's emotional problems without seeking any outside professional help. It's the same reason most men hate to ask for directions when they know they are lost. Somehow they think it's unmanly to admit they need help. But admitting that you cannot "do" grief by yourself is one of the most important steps you can take to heal yourself, my friend ~ and you've not only done that, you've also made plans to attend a support group and you've found a good counselor. All I can say is Good for You! And please know that here, you will always find fellow mourners who are eager to support you in any way we can.

[sync]

thanks so much MartyT!

i have been realising lately that i have not really spoke about my father to anyone at all in the last 2 years.

hardly at all. i mean, i've mentioned him, and said things like, "oh, dad used to do that"...but i haven't really sat down and talked about him or my experience.

and i wonder why i can't sleep at night?

[leeann]

Sync,

You made me smile..

Nope I have NO idea at all why you can't sleep. LOL

Yeah I remember sitting at the Doc's office trying to explain to him how I was feeling. I told him I had this inner racing going on and that I couldn't seem to get my heart rate below 100. And I was puzzled as to what was wrong with me. And he's looking at me like with this "Oooookkkkk" look on his face. LOL He knew of course that I had just weeks previously found my Mom dead and the circumstances surrounding me finding her etc. He probably thought I had a screw or two loose!

Nope.. I couldn't imaaaaagine what was wrong with me.

Man.. it's funny now.. but then.. I seriously couldn't see the forest for the trees.

So yeah.. talk about him some more.. Tell your intended (Congrats by the way on the upcoming nuptials) all about your Dad. Let her in on your grief if you haven't already. She's about to walk your life journey with you.. so no time like the present to grab her hand and take those first steps.

And your sis sounds like someone else you could talk to as well.

You may not feel like you are doing ok... but you are handling this very well IMO. You are being proactive about your grief and seeking resources to help you. And I think you are an inspiration to us. So keep going and keep us posted on how you are doing.

leeann

[sync]

thanks leeann!

i just wish i would have taken these steps earlier instead of waiting so long!

i am certainly enjoying this dialogue and i will of course keep posting!

((((((hugs!)))))))

[leeann]

Well Sync, maybe you weren't ready before now. It's ok. We all do this in our own way and in our own time.

leeann

[sync]

i did some more stream of consciousness writing last night.

i think i have a long road to go yet - whenever i tried to bring up a memory of him, nothing would really come. it's kind of like staring into a pool of murky black goo - you know there are all these memories and feelings just under the surface, but they won't come out.

after several tries i did get one memory out. but i was shocked by how little i can recall of him right now, apart from the horrible events surrounding his death.

i called my sister and she asked me if i had a picture of him to look at. i do, somewhere. but then it got me thinking about that - i haven't really looked a picture of him in 2 years. not really sat down and looked. glanced, yes, a fleeting, self-protective glance, but not a good, long, hard look at the man who gave me so much.

[allalone]

Hi Sync

I want to extend my condolences on your father's passing. (((HUGS)))

Your message tugged at my heart because I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you. I agree with various individuals in this and other threads in that sometimes we are unable to express things shortly after they happen because it's just too painful to do so. When internally we've healed to a sufficient degree it does seem that a catalyst appears to knudge us into that place where we really don't want to go but need to - to accept our loved one's passing.

For me, tomorrow will be exactly 11 months since my dearest Mom died. I've been a wreck, but at the same time, I thought I would have a nervous breakdown and I did not - at least not thus far. I am still scared that I may have one at some point, but perhaps understanding that I am emotionally frail keeps me on this side of sanity.

I believe we all have various coping methods that we don't fully understand and I am grateful for that. I am prone to analyze or rationalize most things, but I don't want to understand this process. I just am glad each of us has a unique way to make it through.

This group is wonderful and I know it helps so many people - especially myself. I hear so many of my emotions in other people's posts. Also many words of wisdom help me through. I hope you will gain as much as I have from many of the incredible people here.

[firefly]

Hey,

I'm really glad I found this entry. It really touches a cord in me. I can always tell when something hits home...that horable nauseas feeling erupts in my stomach. My throught aches as my automatic defenses come up. I remember repeatedly as a child, my mom telling me I was a drama queen. I was ignored if I was showing emotion while I was communicating. My mom loved me very very much and we are great friends now. She has stiffled her emotions forever. So why would she be comfortable with her daughter showing hers? My husband has the same tendencies, however we talk about it and he then sees that he needs to show his emotion, and needs to validate mine.

He also tells me I need to just "move on" concerning my brother's passing. He means well, but he has never lost someone. He doesn't understand.

I feel bad for going to other resourses besides my husband with something so deep. I try to just keep him posted on anything I discover elsware.

I would really like to contact someone perfessional and try to talk some things over. I am so bottled up, I totally relate to what you were saying about letting go to a perfect stranger better than your family. I really don't get much out of talking with my family. Accept to tell them that I am there for them. That has been my role for a long time.

I also related to what was said about how people with delayed grief often had issues at the time of the event in their relationship with that person. Levi and I were very close as kids. We really almost never fought. I adored him. He was only 2 years older than me. He grew up to be rebelious. He moved out of my parents home at 16 or 17. My parents enjoyed having him over to our house. But I could never go hang out with him at his house or with his friends. And I can understand my parents concern. He drank, did some recreational drugs etc. But he was a sweet heart. After I was old enough to make my own descitions I put off getting to know Levi on a deeper leval. I was too busy with my friends, my fiance, getting married, just when Matthew and I settled into our apartment after getting married, I got the call. My dad...saying there has been an accident...it's not good. and thats it. no more chances. And I dont' know where he is right now. I am not seeking guidance on that issue. I think that this cite is more about discussing our feelings than arguing our specific beliefs.

no more chances to share times, love, laughter, the every day things, I don't know his favorite food, drink, movie, color, what he thought of Bush. I know the big things. We did see eachother frequently, but it was always in groups, never just coffee in a shop, never sharing a cigarate even though I dont' smoke and never would want to. Just to do it to live with him. I would smoke packs just to see his smile.

thanks

"peace out" as Levi would say

[Rachael_NI]

Hi Everyone, I am new to this Forum, from Northern Ireland. I was searching on the net for some info about delayed grief and I came across this post and thought it really struck a chord with me.

I just wanted to share my story also as I have been reading in this forum and you all seem so nice and supportive.

I lost my mum to cancer almost 10 years ago, when I was 16. Since then I have had an almost depressive mood, which comes and goes in its intensity. The past 8 years I have spent 'searching' in all manner of spiritual and self-help books and courses and workshops for the reasons for my unhappiness, without looking at the obvious. So many of them said the route of your unhappiness was childhood grievances and also attachment to other people - so I spent years and years searching my childhood for small grievances, feeling like such a victim and being annoyed at others for this, and then also trying not to have any feelings towards any other people as that was 'attachment' - and anytime I did have feelings for people I beat myself up for that. It was such a vicious circle pushing me deeper down, but I couldn't see it.

Only a few months ago I reached suicidal for the last time and a friend introduced me to her mum who is a counsellor. She said at the start she suspected I has unresolved grief issues, but it has taken me almost 4 months to see it myself. I feel such a strange mix of emotions, but mostly 'silly' that it has taken me 10 years to really realise my mum's death. Only now I am having thoughts like - I am never going to see her, ever again. The reality of that thought is only dawning on me now - 10 years later - is this possible? It just seems so weird to me. But it chokes me and is so painful. It actually feels like I am being stabbed in the middle of the chest and sometimes I can't breath properly.

I have spent so many years being angry at my mother, I had completely blocked out any good memories of her, I felt so guilty about this, but my counsellor said perhaps it was easier to be angry at her than miss her. This is certainly true. Now the feelings of missing her that are coming up are so painful and intense I am finding it hard to hold myself together somedays, especially in work, and I feel I can't really share it with others because they will think I am so weird - crying over something that happened 10 years ago??

I was going to ask "is this genuine, can I really be feeling this", but I guess I have to stop asking others for the answers as I've been doing for so long. This is real, I feel it. And since recalling her death, the amount of good memories coming flooding back in unreal, things I can't even remembering happening before, all the lovely times we shared and the amazing amount of kindness and sweet things she used to do for me on a daily basis. How could I have forgotten all this? And I'm sure its no coincidence that in the attic last week I found a box of photo's and things, all my birthday cards from her, from my first birthday to my 16th, as well as the little plastic bracelet she wore in hospital when she gave birth to me. I tried to make myself feel something with these but I couldn't, I guess that will come in time, I have been pushing it down for so long.

I am only really understanding why I did not grieve, it is a mix of reasons: I was never actually told my mum had cancer for the 3 years that she was ill, even though I sort of worked it out myself, we were not allowed to talk about it - it was taboo. My mum was trying to be brave to protect us from the hurt and worry. And my dad who is very emotionally absent was uncomfortable with others expressing their emotions, so that wasn't allowed. My mum went into the hospice, I was allowed to see her for about 15 minutes [in a crowded room] then sent home to bed, and in the morning my dad got me up, told me she had died and told me to go and get dressed for school as I had an exam. [i was doing my GCSE's, not sure what your american equivalent is but these are the exams everyone needs when leaving school to get a job - so quite pressurized.] Anyway, he drove me to school and then told me to get out of the car, I started to cry but he told me to stop crying and go and do my exams because everyone would remember me for being such a brave girl. The next few weeks of exams were like this, then when I finished school my dad sent me into an office to work for the summer. We were not allowed one single day off school or work. For some reason I seem to have had it the worst, my brother and two sisters all had time off, I think because of the importance of these exams I was doing I was 'not allowed'. Then my beloved grandfather died 2 months later, and then my granny, my mother's mum just a few months after that. I don't think I have any memories of that year or the one after. My dad is still like this, shouts at you for showing emotions and being 'weak' and if you feel sad you must just get up and do something to take your mind off it. This is how I have been subconsciously running my life the past 10 years too, just making sure I go to work, keep busy and dont miss any appointments, but it doesn't work, there is too much grief, it spills out at the most inappropriate times! And I have been getting more fragile as the years go on. I guess now I have to start the journey of dealing with it consciously so I can get on with my life again. Just not sure how yet!

I also lost a baby sister when I was 11, but again when my dad told me and I started to cry he said "stop crying, who would you rather have died, your mother or the baby?" I can still remember that so vividly. That was the end of that. Apparently! But I found a little story I wrote when I was 11 about the sadness I felt over it - I can't even remember this - when I think of the little girl who wrote that letter, I feel so sorry for her, she certainly felt a loss, but was on some level told she was not allowed to. I think there must be some burried grief with this too. I don't know how to access that or deal with it either.

Well I know this is a long post, but even just writing it has helped me. So thanks to anyone who reads and listens. I do sense there are so many compassionate people here, that alone is a comfort - it feels like a safe place to share.

Thanks to all and blessings to each...

Rachael.

[Elaine1982]

Hi all,

I totally relate to this post.

I lost my mum (my best friend and whole world) just under 2 weeks before my 21st birthday. It was sudden and unexpected. When it happened i was brave for dad and didn't want to get upset in front of him incase it upset him more. He was crying all the time, a total state and i didn't want to do or say anything that would make him more sad. So i just tried to ignore that it ever happened. I don't know how i did it - i just blocked it out. Worst mistake i could have ever made. I didn't even realise i was doing it but i suppressed my feelings so much that i felt fine most of time - for the first few years anyway - everyone couldn't believe how well i was doing - not even me! But then, last summer, just before it would have been 5 years since mum had gone, the panic attacks came. I was so ill, i was convinced i had heart disease like my mum. That i was gonna die any minute. These feelings went on for months, with me visiting my doc nearly every week.

The panic/ anxiety is still with me now and i have to take medication every day in order to function which i hate. But am having hypnotherapy and walking at least 2 miles a day to try and overcome this. Have tried counselling but it didn't seem to help me (maybe i left it too late - only started having it after my panic's started last summer) but the hypno is good.

I just miss my mum so much and i think i just can not accept the long term 'ness' of her her not being here. I think she's gonna come back. I think that's how i got on so well to begin with with. But now it is dawning on me that i can't see her and i will have to spend the rest of life without her, which is a really awful thought.

I'm so fed up and sad of feeling so physically and mentally ill and i try so hard to get well - i just don't know what i'm doing wrong. I just want to feel normal again. Then i realise i will never feel normal again - cos how can things ever be the same after such a massive loss. I try to be positive and think how lucky i am (cos i am expect not having mum) but i still feel so ill and can't seem to control it. People say to me ' if you didn't want to have panic attacks you wouldn't have them, you just don't want it enough'. This makes me so sad. I really want to be well but i'm starting to think that i'm never going to feel 'safe' again.

Why do we have to die? Why can't i just cry and deal with it that way instead of feeling like i'm gonna die all the time. I sometimes don't see the point if this is how i'm gonna feel for the rest of my life.

Thanks for reading guys, sorry for long post.

xxx

[Rachael_NI]

Elaine, ah, you poor thing, I know EXACTLY how you feel! [And we must be about the same age too].

I was having panic attacks too, but haven't had them for a few months now because I let myself release some of the pent up emotions - that's all the panic attacks are, there is so much emotion and grief you are holding on to, pleeeease dont listen to those people saying that if you didn't want panic attacks you wouldn't have them, that is the biggest load of bs ever. You did very well to the suppress the grief for several years, trust me, I know, I managed to deny it for the past 9 years, and now its all coming out. The grief never goes away, and if you want to move through this honey, so that you don't have to feel like this for the rest of your life, well, as I am learning, you are just going to have to let yourself get emmersed in it for a while. I still feel so much grief, I feel like my chest is going to cave in at certain times of the day, this is the power of suppressed grief, like I said it never goes away, it just festers and comes up as different symptoms until you deal with the original trauma. Not wanting to have panic attacks means you won't have them??? What is that! That makes me so angry! It clearly comes from people who do not understand. [unless of course they are implying that if you don't want to have them, then let yourself cry, properly, from your gut, really sobbing and verbalising the whole thing. Silent tears and little wimpers don't work, it has to come with force!] I have seen others in life who have never really dealt with the original loss and it goes on to continue affecting every area of your life, relationships, career, friendships, your whole mood and emotion about your life. And they have no idea what is truly 'wrong' with them, what the underlying cause is. I know what mine is now. And I think you do too....

I read books for years about everything being down to the power of your thoughts and if you really didn't want to be depressed/sad/panic attacks etc then 'all you have to do is change your thoughts about it'. Ya, right! It doesn't work, take it from someone who has tried for years. You need to let yourself feel it all and release it all fully. And one session of crying isn't going to do it either as I have learnt! I am still in the thick of it, I don't know how long it will take me to get over it, but even thinking like that is being impatient with yourself at a time when all you really needs IS time and patience with yourself.

I would suggest you try ocunselling again. It is the only thing that is really helping me to keep moving through this, and not jack it all in telling myself its in my head and all I need to do is have a positive outlook... [that reminds me, I wrote a little poem I will post later]. Perhaps it felt like there was no-one there for you when you needed to grieve, so you put it on hold - well now is the time to find someone who will let you do just that. Put your intention out that you will find a good counsellor suited to your needs and with the experience to understand and help you move through this, because it is so very real. Believe that. I still wonder sometimes am I just 'thinking all this up' again to feel sorry for myself, but then I have to get real. Our mother's died - the most significant person in our entire lifetime, the one who brought us into this world and led us through it - and we did not take time to grieve. How immense is that? We both need support and understanding with this, we could lend that to eachother right now.

Arms open wide, let it all out honey. That is the only way through it.

Sending you much Heartfelt Blessings, and understanding,

Rachael.