Am I Preventing Myself From Moving On ?

[WendyJ]

Hello everyone, I have a question to ask. It is now going on 15 months since Steve passed and except for finally throwing out his clothes hamper, giving away a few coats and selling his motorcycle everything else is still where it was left in his drawers in the closet and in the barn. I am curious do you think that maybe subconciously I am thinking he is coming back? I seriously hope not because if the pain gets any worse than this I don't think I can handle it when reality sets in. I just wonder if keeping everything where it is gives me comfort to have his things around me or am I just preventing myself from moving on? Am I the only one who has done this? Am I delaying the worst part of the grieving process? Please let me know your thoughts or tell me how you finally let go of your loved ones belongings.

Thanks,

Wendy

[jackietnd1]

Hi Wendy,

I really don't have an answer, however I have talked to people, and one friend still has all her husband things just as he left them and it has been 9 yesar, I have moved some thing however alot of his stuff is where he left them not yet 3 months for me, however I do want to move them and move on or at least use the room. I beleive whenever we are ready we will do it so don't be hard on yourself and think there is a time limit for you to do it, it's not in your way so what is it hurting. Just my take on it only you know the correct answer. Give yourself a break and do it when YOU are ready.

[Dusky]

Wendy,

I do not think you can measure progress by how much of your loved ones possessions you have given away. As for clothing, I have only given Jack’s shoes away to his son, and that was because I could not wear them. Since we were both men, I am in a slightly different position than my opposite sexed partners on this site, as I can wear Jacks old cloths. However, that being said, with few exceptions, I really do not wear his clothing. I did have a number of his shirts made into a beautiful 7 x 9 foot spread – which I proudly display on a huge trunk that contains numerous personal articles of Jack’s – such as his wallet, locks of his hair, the blankets and pillows he died on, his death notices and other bits and pieces of who he was. They are not in full view – but rather all contained in a piece of furniture (the chest) which sits in my living room.

I do not feel like any of us have to get rid of things to be seen as having moved on. I truly believe – with all my heart – that healing comes from recalling and remembering your loved one – not in letting things go. When you remember - sometimes, you will cry and sometimes those same memories will bring you great joy. The book I wrote, and which can be reference at www.FindingMyBananaBreadMan.com , details transcending grief by remembering and recalling as opposed to letting go and burying the past.

I truly do not believe you can judge your progress by how many of Steve’s possessions you have disposed of. He was a living breathing person who deserves to be remembered and recalled – and if you do not do the remembering and recalling (as his spouse), who will care as much as you did and do. The magnitude of my ability to remember Jack for all that he was, as a human being, cannot be matched by anyone else. I shared the same intimate nest with him for 27 years. No one is going to miss him as much as I will. Therefore, I am in the best position to carry on the essence of who he was. If his possessions bring me comfort – so what.

I truly believe I have moved on with my life – and in so doing so many bits and pieces of whom my Jack was moved on along with me. I believe that is progress. However, I do not measure my progress in terms of disposed items, but rather maintained treasures.

I try not to push the book I wrote (Finding My Banana Bread Man) on this site. However, there are times when I do feel that both my web site and the book are my best complete versions of self-help that I have to offer to each of the members of this site. Consequently, if you are so inclined visit the web site (listed above) which is free - or purchase the book. I wrote it to help people just like us. It helped me heal and realize that you can move on and remember at the same time despite our society’s continual drone to let go and bury the past.

Let all Steve’s belongs provide you tears and joy – life is a combination of both these emotions. Like death and love, they go hand in hand. Jacks chest of belongings reminds me of him each day as I pass by it in the living room. Sometimes I cry – sometimes I smile. Our life together was the same way. Moreover, when it is tears that come, I am reminded of the quotation that I have seen on this web site from a member (Steven or William) that says:

“There is sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief … and unspeakable love.” Washington Irving

Even in tears, I find comfort … “in the unspeakable love.”

John – Dusky is my handle on here.

Love you Jack

[Corinne]

Dusky,

I have read your book and while I was reading it I was wishing that I would have had it 11 years ago when I lost my Jimmy or even last year when the girls and I lost their Dad. You offer so so many awesome suggestions as ways to truly remember our loved ones. Thank you so much for writing the book and letting us know about it. ((((BIG HUG))))

Wendy,

My good friend if you have not read Dusky's book, you should, it really puts a lot of things in a perspective that is really helpful in dealing with loss.

Also, I do not think having Steve's things around is holding you back, it is keeping his memory alive. When the time comes (and only you will know) you will sort through his things and keep the most important and special things and let the rest go.

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne

[dpodesta]

Wendy,

It was around the 15 month mark when I had Karen's family finally go through her clothes and costume jewlery and then get rid of what they didn't want. There are still a lot of her things around. For me I don't look at it as holding on. Some of it is I just haven't had the time, a lot of it is the decour of the house and I don't want to change a lot of that yet as redecourating can cost so much. Only you will know when you are ready to start changing more of the things around your house. Do what is confortable for you.

Love always

Derek

[LarrysGirl]

Wendy, as you may know Larry died alittle over 2 years ago. Everything is pretty much still in the same place since the day he died. His closet is the same, his drawers still hold his shirts and so on. For me, I draw comfort from seeing his jackets, jersey's and stuff because they are wonderful memories. Of course, some things remind me of when he was becoming sicker and I hurt for him and how he held on. I want so badly for everyone to remember him, he was here, he existed, I love him and thats the way I've handled it so far. Deborah

[DoubleJo]

Wendy: There are 2 issues here. One is that a person is gone. The other is that this person was here. Accepting that a person is not coming back doesn't mean that they were not here. It can be warm and comforting knowing you had someone special with you. Trying to erase the fact that they existed can just make big empty holes where good fine memories can fill them up. Even without the items serving as reminders, they are a part of your home. This person did live with you. All these things were part of your existance. Someday, on a strange timetable of its' own, you will look at something and suddenly say to yourself, "Why am I keeping that? Its' old. "

" I don't need it here anymore." "It takes up too much room," or simply, "it doesn't represent him anymore." Dusky is correct. Objects shouldn't be used as measurements. If they fit, they stay. If they suddenly don't, you'll know what to do with them.

The people we meet change us, in good and bad ways. The ones we loved stay with us internally, no matter what we do with ourselves or with things. We have grown with them and in so doing we carry within us parts of them.

Time is relative. My best- DoubleJo

[leeann]

Wendy just wanted to pop in here and give you a (((((Hug))))).

I agree with what the other's have said.

And when you are ready you will deal with the "stuff". Some of it may end up staying and some may not.. but you are in charge and you alone. It is in your own time and in your own way. This is your grief.

So go with your gut feelings.. can't go wrong there.

XO

leeann

[WendyJ]

Thanks all my good friends who have responded. Please understand in no way do I want to erase the memory of my Steve I just wonder if not dealing with letting go with alot of the things that were his was a sign that I could not move on or that I was refusing to accept the fact that he was gone. You all gave me such wonderful advice and John I must get your book, every time you write, your words go right through to my heart and I cry ! Thanks again everyone !

Love you all,

Wendy

[leeann]

((((Wendy))))

I'm not sure it is even possible for you to erase the memories of Steve.. no matter what you do or don't do.

I just wonder if not dealing with letting go with alot of the things that were his was a sign that I could not move on or that I was refusing to accept the fact that he was gone.

Forgive me, but the first part of that sentence sounds a bit self judgemental Wendy. I think you don't deserve that judgement.

You have been very busy letting go... very busy letting go of him not being here. His "things" around you may indeed be helping you let go. When you no longer need or want some of those things.... you will deal with them and but not a minute before you are ready.

Try hard not to compare yourself with others' processes of grief or what "society" may say is an 'appropriate time' to go through their things. The love you two shared is, in fact, totally unique. So therefore your grief will be as well. There is no use or value in rushing this.. so please take your time. Your time.

The second half of that sentence... Ya really think so???

I seriously doubt that you are refusing to accept that he isn't here anymore. And I doubt it because.. you are hurting. You wouldn't be hurting this badly if you were refusing to accept his loss.

You are accepting it.. the pain and weight in your heart testifies to this.

So Wendy.. please.. don't judge you. You wouldn't judge us or our journeys... so treat you like you treat us.

XO

leeann

[WendyJ]

Leann you are so right and as usual thanks for keeping me in line with ,I guess I have been too hard on myself. I think the fear of feeling worse than I already do scares me as I know how horribly bad I am missing him and can't believe that chapter of my life is over now. If the pain were any worse I don't think I could handle it. Thanks so much for the Hug too, I really needed that especially today as my Mom is getting fluid building up around her heart again and may have to go to the hospital again. This is so hard on her dealing with not only the cancer but the Lupus too, which seems to get aggrivated by the chemo and radiation. Please keep her in your prayers?

XOXO,

Wendy

[leeann]

Oh for sure.. I'll be sending Mom some good thoughts and prayers and of course to you too. Poor Mom.. what a pain ... If only they could come up with medications that killed the cancer without making people feel so miserable! Here's hoping she can stay at home where I bet she feels most comfortable and feels better really soon.

I think the fear of feeling worse than I already do scares me as I know how horribly bad I am missing him and can't believe that chapter of my life is over now.

Hey.... how about just dealing with today? I have to remind myself of that ALL of the time. I have to say to myself, "Don't think about getting through more than this one day in front of you." If I do slip & think about the future I can scare myself silly too. So try to stay in just this one day.

I have said to myself so many times.. "I can't believe it's over." I don't know why that thought comes.. but it is crazy isn't it? I mean how far down the journey are we and we're still saying, "I can't believe it..."But truly.. I think that again is just part of our process. When I do say that to myself, I have usually just had some fine memories come up. So then my tendency is to maybe cry a bit but I quickly move on to trying to be grateful for the love I experienced with my lost loved ones. (And I made the rule... like "I called" it is OK to be thankful and cry at the same time. LOL )

Feel free to use my rule.

XO

leeann

[WendyJ]

Thanks so much Leeann. The doctor increased the dosage on her Prednisone and then as she feels better she has to decrease it back down again and it seems to be working. Basically that is what they would do in the hospital. It is a shame that not only does she have to deal with the cancer right now but that seems to be aggrivating the Lupus. Thank you for keeping her in your prayers.

Love,

Wendy