When Does It Get Better

[J.Anne]

I haven't been here for quite a while. guess I thought I was doing okay but I'm coming up on 6 mo. since I lost my significant other and it just seems to go on and on. I can't remember the last time anything was "fun". I go to work, I come home to an empty house and I work on projects that we had talked about doing. I've been making myself go out to dinner with friends but can't say it is any fun. People ask how I am doing and I feel like since I am functioning and it has been so long, they expect me to say things are fine. So I do say I'm okay and keep plugging along. When does it finally get better?

[jackietnd1]

Hi J.Anne,

I am sorry you are having a difficult time, it will be 3 months for me on tomorrow, I am not sure when this pain ends or if it ever will, however I do feel like for me I have good days and bad, it is just that simple for me.

You touched my heart this morning and I want you to know you are not alone,

we are here for you and with you. I have the same feelings, and someone told me that my feelings are not facts.

Please be good to yourself and hang in there.

Love You All

Jackie

[kayc]

J.Anne,

I am sorry you are hurting. I know it feels like this will never be over...some of it will, some of it won't. The pain won't continue with the same level of intensity, but for many of us, even though we eventually reach acceptance that it's happened, there is a kind of a sadness that lingers just beneath the surface...maybe not all the time, there are times that joy can burst through, but it's never quite the same and we now it and we know it won't be. I don't imagine it's the same for everyone, some seem to fully adjust and move on, but for those of us here, I'm not sure that is the case. Those who have moved on are less likely to visit websites such as this. You have here a whole lot of people who understand what you are going through, I hope that brings some comfort. Just keep trying, a day at a time...

Love,

KayC

[Jan Thurman]

Hello, it has been 3 months for me. I am doing the same thing you are going to work, coming home to an empty house and working on projects that we had talked about doing this year. One good thing with me is that my daughter and grandson live on the next property and my 90 year old mother lives on the next property so I can just go over there if I am feeling down and play with my grandson or go talk to my mom. I go to a support group which I really like to do once a week. But this is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. How long were you married. Write me if you would like. Where do you live. Jan

[Dusky]

Jan,

I do not believe it gets better – it just gets easier to deal with the pain of losing the one you loved so much. At first, everything makes you cry. Moreover, at first everyone around you understands. Then things change and you are expected to get over it and move on. Others around you want you to feel fine – they expect you to feel fine – when the reality of the situation is that, you are not the same person you were before your loved one died. So many around us do not understand that the person we were before our loved one died – died with him or her. Their expectations that our old self will somehow re-appear is a fantasy. The new person you are about to become is the one that hopefully others will be willing to accept. You have been forever altered by this death.

You will never get over it – you will learn to live with the pain (in that sense – it gets better). Furthermore, grief has its own timetable, which is different for each of us. However, it is not something that you can just move on from. You need to be able to recall, and remember your lost love in order for you to be able to lessen the pain of losing your partner.

This process is, as much about the struggle with making others understand the grieving process as it is with actually moving through the process ourselves.

I think it would be beneficial for you to visit a web site I created for my Jack following his death. You can find it by going to the following link:

http://findingmybananabreadman.com/

The web site is a tribute to my Jack – but it also has some music, poetry and an inspirational section. It was set up to promote a book I wrote following Jack’s death. I think the book would help you as well. Reading was very beneficial to me during this process. If you are interested in the book, there is a link to my publisher on my web site. It is entitled “Finding My Banana Bread Man.” It deals with so many of the problems we all face on our journey through mourning.

I wish you well,

John – Dusky is my handle on here

Love you Jack

[DesertBob]

When does it finally get better?

For me, things got a lot better when I was able to accept my wife's death.

The insight that was key for me is that acceptance doesn't equal liking or approving of it. Acceptance is just not rejecting your loss as reality and obsessing on the death as if doing so could somehow change that it happened or make it seem smaller. Also acceptance is NOT the same thing as forgetting your partner or not loving them anymore. It is simply accepting the fact of their death. It is, you might say, the end of "NOOOOOOOO!" I can now say "yes, it happened". Once I can do that, then I can begin to ask, "now what?" So much of the wasteland of misery that is grief is being trapped and unable to do anything to respond to the loss. Once you can start to respond realistically, you can start to feel better.

When you stop to think about it, when we first start out we MUST reject most of this new reality because it's way too much to digest. Gradually, we can accept more and more of it. The need, for instance, to blame ourselves, God, the doctors, or even our deceased partner eventually fades. We no longer need a throat to choke. There are other aspects to it as well.

But this is something you can't rush or do at anything other than your own pace. However, it may help to hold it in mind as a goal.

Of course, you have to define "better". I define it as "less suffering". That isn't necessarily the same as "easier". It may come as a surprise to you that the level of suffering hasn't got much to do with how different or how much more difficult it is living without your partner. I still miss Linda, and my life is totally different, and continues to change. But I am not in agony over it any more except for brief flickers here and there. It's like a lot of things in life that aren't easy ... it's just there and you cope. But you can still experience life positively, experience new things, etc.

I could tell you that I started really gaining ground at "X" months and felt like I was substantially established in my "new normal" at "Y" months but that really doesn't mean anything for anyone but me. Every situation is different. My guess is 6 months is the very earliest most people could expect to see some genuine easing of suffering, and getting to a place where the loss does not color your every waking thought. But even if you experience some relief that soon, it will be spotty. And it wouldn't be unusual to take 12 or 18 months to start finding your way back into the land of the living. It wouldn't be rare to still be stuck at 18 months and need to seek help to get unstuck.

Hang in there and give it some more time -- be patient with yourself. It won't get easier but it will get better.

--Bob